The Jaded Heat Magnet: TNA Underground aka The Luchanning (Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, Dixie Carter, Impact)

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Warning: The following column is for mature readers. It contains content and views which are soley of the author, Jaded Seth Malice, and Inside Pulse and it’s affiliates, do not support, nor endorse. Please read on at your own risk.

This will be a random thought spread out out on a multitude of things currently going on in the world of pro wrestling.

First off why did we need Brock Lesnar to stand on the steps while Paul Heyman did his thing. Yeah, it was a damn good promo, but why waste an appearance by the Beast Incarnate?

Meet Neville. WWE champion Neville. Yeah, I would have shocked the world by putting the title on Neville for a week, or two. Get people talking. Make things interesting. And to my naked eyes, Seth’s shoulders were still down when the ref just stopped counting. Timing, I guess. Instead, I guess the Future of the WWE will carry his feud with Cena into Summerslam. Doing the job again, Seth?

At least King Barrett is on a winning streak as he took down that legend in the making Zack Ryder. Remember when Ryder was superover and the fans were chanting his name during the Rock’s promo? Yeah, Vince had his hands covering his ears the whole time. Get over on your own will ya, well we’ll just see about that dammit!

And please just forget about that cold fish Lana. Yeah, she was a great heel who got over, but who gives a fuck when there’s that money machine in the making, Eva Marie. I got around to watching her second debut in NXT and boy did she “silence her critics” with a suplex and an armbar. Sadly, her opponent tried her best to make Eva look good. IT WILL NEVER FUCKING WORK. The bitch can’t wrestle! She’s as awkward in the ring as a virgin nerd in a slutty sorority. 

Speaking of the Slutty Sororities, we just got the Submission Sorority. Wait. Where have I heard this one before. Oh, yeah. It’s a porn site! Good job, Creative. First, Michael Cole called Sasha Banks by the name of “Sasha Grey” and now this. Keep it up guys your doing PG proud.

And now to TNA. Sad, poor TNA. Al Snow confirmed what we’ve been reading for monthes now that the checks are late. I know the Meccanites have been calling the rumors lies and slander. I’m sorry guys but the truth is the truth. But never fear, the Meccanites are now taking the stance that whatever happens behind the scenes doesn’t matter, just what happens on the wrestling show. Well, it does damn well matter. I’m not a TNA hater, and I sure as hell ain’t a fucking WWE supporter, either. Late pay gives you a bad rap. That kind of stink is hard to wash off. It’s time now more than ever that TNA gets their fucking shit together. And having EC3 and a broken down Matt Hardy as your main event will ’cause thousands to just not watch, which is what happened for this week’s ratings.

TNA is struggling right now. Each week another star leaves. The ratings suck. They tape a thousand shows in a week. And we honestly don’t even know if TNA will have a tv show come September. I hate to say it but I’ve seen all of this before, with a company called WCW. TNA is WCW around the begining of 2001. That should never have happened! Look at all the great talent they have had: Kurt Angle, Sting, AJ Styles, Jeff Jarrett, Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, and I could go on and on. Yet, TNA has been stuck in neutral for near on it’s total existence. Now it’s going in reverse with a huge concrete wall behind it.

But the Meccanites will point out that TNA has lived longer than WCW, or their other target ECW.

Now let’s look at the facts. Has TNA been more successful than either WCW, or ECW? From 1994-1999 WCW made profits. They made a huge profit in 1997. That year’s Starrcade did over a million buys on Pay-Per-Fucking-View! I doubt if all of TNA’s PPVs over the years could beat that number! WCW crushed the WWE in the ratings war for two damn years. They nearly put the WWE out of business. Has TNA done any of that? If memory serves me right their war head on with the WWE ended in less than month. With no rating victories. Hell, the last week of Monday Night Impact got as many views as they do on Destination America. 

I’m just dealing with facts here, people!

Now let’s take a look at ECW. The first ECW did a low six figure buyrate for their first ppv. From what I’ve heard, TNA’s most successful was in the low 5 figures. ECW didn’t even have a major network deal when they did their first PPV! I was lucky enough to have America One so I was able to watch ECW in the late 90’s. Tommy Dreamer said that ECW made a lot of money. The problem was that Paul Heyman needed a good accountant. Yeah, ECW nowhere near lived as long as TNA, but deep down we all know that ECW made more money. ECW should never have died as fast as it did, but that was due to Heyman’s bad business, losing talent, and getting the tv deal with TNN. It is sad to know that a tv deal didn’t help ECW, but only lead to it’s demise.

So if TNA has only had one year due to reports to have turned a profit, how much money has the company lost? This is a touchy subject with the Meccanites. Mainly due to the jaw-dropping figure put out by Paul Heyman in an interview with Stone Cold. I honestly hope that they didn’t lose that much money. Sadly, if you think about it, TNA more than likely has been losing all the years of it’s existence. Times that to 13 years and, well, I’d say the amount by now is scary bad. More than likely still not the figures put out by Heyman, but still enough to make your balls hurt.

So ECW died owing less than 10 million.

But I honestly didn’t write this to condemn TNA, far from it. I want to save TNA. But the company needs a lot of TLC. First off the bat is the total removal of Dixie Carter. She tried. And she failed. Not once, but many times. So long, Baby Princess. Next the show itself. TNA needs really good talent. Badly. But where do you get good talent.

Funny that you ask ’cause now I shall explain this week’s title. Drum roll please. . .

Lucha Underground.

Sadly, things look worse for Lucha than TNA. But that can be made into a positive. Lucha has been putting on really good shows that most have never seen. The casket match between Fenix and Mil Muertes was the best damn casket match ever. And I mean E-E-EVER. It was a 5 star casket match. And the iron man match between Johnny Mundo aka John Morrison and Prince Puma was a match of the year candidate. And then they did Ultima Lucha. I shits you not that was the best damn wrestling show of the year. It was so fucking good you would believe that their were wrestling gods! And Mil Muertes vs Prince Puma was another moty candidate.  

So if Lucha Underground is no more, then Dixie Carter would you please call Big Daddy Carter on the phone tell him that Jaded Seth Malice said to buy the rights to Lucha Underground! Cut the damn check! Baby Princess needs it! Get all of the talent if humanly possible. And get the writers, too! And most of all get Dario Cueto. If Quentin Tarantino decided to do wrestling his first thought would be Dario Cueto! Just imagine Dario buys TNA! He could do an awesome promo where he says that he likes tits, ass, and most of all, action! You would totally redeem yourself, Dixie. You would be my hero, wind beneath my wings, and BFF forever!

Just imagine the Knockouts with my favorite licker, Catrina, along with Ivalyss and Sexy Star! Hell, get Melina, too! That would be like wrestling porn. Remember the Fappening? Well, TNA gives you the Luchanning! That’s just so damn wrong, it’s just damn fucking good. If being a jobber meant being licked by Catrina then make me Zack Ryder!

#TheLuchanning

I honestly hope somehow Dixie reads this and totally steals my ideas. Taken them. Buy Lucha Underground! Do it now. Hell, I’ve seen Mama Carter, Big Daddy needs all the love of the Luchanning the most! 

#DixieBuyLuchaUnderground

As always I end these things with an inspiring quote that hopefully inspires:

 “Sometimes you try to help people, and it backfires on you, and then they try to take advantage of you.”

— Bill Cosby

You look kinda sick. Let me get you a Benadryl with a New Coke. When you start feeling better I have some great Jell-O pudding pops. Give me a second as I put on this white robe. . .

 

 

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