Mystery Wrestling Theatre $9.99: WWE Summerslam 2015 Roast w/Penny & Pat Metalhead

Features, VS.

Tonight, from the IP Slack lounge, Pat Metalhead and Penny Sautereau destroy Summerslam.
pennykins 4:02 PM Hi I’m Penny. And John Stewart is actually playing the crowd well. And here with me is Pat Metalhead, who, fair warning, may pass out before the show ends.
Here’s hoping they at least TRY to top Takeover.
You can tell John is a legit fan. He got all the names right.
patmetalhead 4:04 PM May? Almost certainly will. Try? What is there to try, Cena wins, Taker wins and everybody at WWE will pat themselves on their backs, congratulating themselves on a job well done.
pennykins 4:04 PM Holy f**k it’s Foley
patmetalhead 4:04 PM Oh Mick is here, don’t boo the diva’s!!!
pennykins 4:05 PM You horrible people all hurt Mick’s feelings. YOU MONSTERS!!!
Aaaaand there’s the cheap pop.
patmetalhead 4:06 PM I don’t even know why this conversation IS happening…
pennykins 4:07 PM They need to segue-way to the obligatory Rock cameo SOMEhow.
patmetalhead 4:07 PM Jerry Lawler: What? Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
pennykins 4:08 PM Ah. They kept it short AND we don’t have to deal with Kung Pao Chickensh*t.
patmetalhead 4:08 PM Good point. OK, I’ll forgive it. This once.
pennykins 4:09 PM That’s uncharacteristically generous of you. How much HAVE you had to drink already?
patmetalhead 4:10 PM Yes I know, I should stop drinking chocomilk, it’s bad for me.
You do realize it’s started since 10 minutes and we have yet to see an active wrestler?
pennykins 4:10 PM Yes, all that lactose will give you almost 5% as much painful gas bloating as sitting through a Sheamus Promo.
This surprises you? What product have you been watching the past 20 years?
patmetalhead 4:11 PM NJPW, why?
pennykins 4:12 PM That explains it. You’ve been corrupted by actual wrestling.
patmetalhead 4:12 PM Aaaaaaaaaaaaand we start we Orton vs Sheamus. I don’t know if I have to cry or just be relieved THAT will be out of the way soon
pennykins 4:12 PM Speaking of painful gas bloating, it’s Two Strikes on his way to the ring.
patmetalhead 4:12 PM Yes I know, I’m actually banned by WWE.
pennykins 4:13 PM Well they know they can’t put it on AFTER Cesaro/Owens in front of a Brooklyn crowd.
You KNOW someone in that arena brought rope.
patmetalhead 4:13 PM Good point. Well would be funny if they had tried that.
pennykins 4:13 PM Funny and very very bloody.
Brooklyn crowds WILL riot.
patmetalhead 4:14 PM Well I don’t care, I do not live in Brooklyn, I just want something fun to watch.
pennykins 4:14 PM I’d pretend to care about their 65’000th match on PPV but that requires commitment to acting I just don’t have.
patmetalhead 4:15 PM Oh goodie, Sheamus is gonna talk.
pennykins 4:15 PM Why are you watching this show then?
patmetalhead 4:15 PM Mmmmmh, ermh, because logic isn’t my strong suit?
pennykins 4:15 PM “And you’re all poopyheads too and I’m telling!!!”
This Sheamus promo written by a cranky 4 year old who skipped his nap.
patmetalhead 4:17 PM And you know the opening match often sets the tone for the rest of the show.
Mighty Sheamus? Oh dear…
pennykins 4:17 PM Am I the only one who gets annoyed when the announce team try to talk over the chants thus preventing me from figuring out what the crowd is chanting?
If this is the tone they want to set you may as well go pass out now and spare yourself the sleep dep.
patmetalhead 4:18 PM Well it’s WWE, they’re trying to control everything…
pennykins 4:19 PM Not completely. Orton naturally can’t emote worth a damn, so they don’t have to control that.
patmetalhead 4:19 PM Wow 4 minutes and they already need a rest.
pennykins 4:20 PM I’m a fat crippled epileptic 41 year old woman with asthma and I wouldn’t be this gassed after 4 minutes.
Methinks someone needs to introduce Orton to the magic of Chapstick.
patmetalhead 4:21 PM Lol, this is funny actually, it’s not even that it’s bad, it’s just the same match we’ve seen in 2015… and 14… and 13… and 12 ect…
pennykins 4:22 PM Shh! That’s a secret! We’re actually watching a pre-taped match while they all play a drinking game watching it from the back.
patmetalhead 4:22 PM Is Randy Orton going to tap out??? Oooough, the suspense is killing me.
Oh so THAT was WWE’s evil plan to fool us all.
pennykins 4:22 PM gets defibrillator pads out for you CLEAR!!!
patmetalhead 4:23 PM Doesn’t work, I’m already half a zombie
pennykins 4:23 PM Anyone else notice how convenient Sheamus’s mohawk was for Orton to grab?
I love how Cole says “Here comes the viper!” when Orton is walking AWAY from Sheamus.
patmetalhead 4:24 PM Sheamus mohawk is convenient to grab… and mock… and convince people NOT to watch WWE
Out of nowhere? even my cats saw that coming
pennykins 4:25 PM Okay, I understand Sheamus needed the mohawk to play Rocksteady on TMNT 2, but he didn’t need to KEEP it.
Obscure reference alert; Every time I look at Sheamus’ beard braids I have fond memories of watching Yellowbeard with my parents as a child.
patmetalhead 4:26 PM Wait, what’s happening…
pennykins 4:26 PM Google that one kids.
patmetalhead 4:27 PM Did Sheamus just pick up a win???
pennykins 4:27 PM Wait what?
Well that was unexpected. Boring, but unexpected.
patmetalhead 4:27 PM Goddamned i’m already 0-1 on the TRA open
You couldn’t just lose like you usually do Sheamus? OK, now you know they’re planning something with that briefcase
pennykins 4:28 PM Well they know they need to keep Cena away from another title run.
patmetalhead 4:29 PM I love how jake and Josh are getting boo-ed lol
Aaaah now we get to see Big E dancing. We’re so lucky.
pennykins 4:30 PM jolts back out of sleep
What was that? I’m sorry, Big E causes Narcolepsy in me.
patmetalhead 4:31 PM Really? I thought those hip moves would cause nausea, not narcolepsy… (edited)
pennykins 4:31 PM Oh dear, this is going to get really really ugly. I hope Uncle L isn’t in the crowd.
Those hip moves would cause my hip to dislocate.
patmetalhead 4:32 PM yes, that too.
pennykins 4:32 PM Okay I hate to admit it but this is the best heel promo in years.
That was a thing of beauty.
Look, it’s Not-Mystico and Not-Rey.
patmetalhead 4:34 PM Well it’s The new day, they make positivism look like a Randy Orton match.
pennykins 4:34 PM And the Twin Titos, and the gay dude and his brother George.
patmetalhead 4:35 PM ermh, great strategy? that was just silly.
pennykins 4:35 PM Dear fucking Goddess what the fuck are those ghastly things on Kofi’s feet?
patmetalhead 4:36 PM I dunno… maybe he stepped into something on his ay to the ring?
pennykins 4:36 PM Sadly it was probably the most original and creative idea wqe’ll see all night.
Kallisto is living proof that Vince is a goddamned idiot. Vince hates “flippy shit” and hates pushing guys who do it. But the crowd LOVES it.
patmetalhead 4:39 PM Yeah but, it’s Lucha. Lucha is bad. Orton is good.
Woods is gonna have an heart-attack if he keeps this up.
or give me one
pennykins 4:41 PM He had one three weeks ago. He was re-animated by sacrificing Wade Barrett’s career to Cthulu.
patmetalhead 4:41 PM Didn’t that happen three years ago?
I tried to listen to what Woods was saying
It made no sense whatsoever
pennykins 4:42 PM Don’t try that, it’ll cause an aneurysm.
Ladies & Gentlemen, the man Batista thinks should be world champ.
patmetalhead 4:43 PM I kinda of like when Titus is trowing everyone around. At least something fun is happening
Wait… Batista thinks???
You sure???
pennykins 4:44 PM That’s a rumour I’ve heard yes. Not that anyone’s actually confirmed it.
Wait, is it just me or is Torito dressed as Masked Kane?
patmetalhead 4:45 PM Mini-Kane
Kane not believe Torito is still in WWE
New Day Rocks!
I’m 1-1 on the TRA open!
pennykins 4:47 PM LOL
What was with that seizure Kofi was having after the pin?
patmetalhead 4:47 PM New Day’s celebration is more exiting than anything that happened until now…
really? Edge does all that? I never knew, I thought he was an actor now
pennykins 4:49 PM I feel as if I’ve missed something here.
patmetalhead 4:49 PM The ad for edge razor cream
was a stupid joke i know.
pennykins 4:49 PM Ah, sorry, I had to go to the loo
patmetalhead 4:49 PM hey its almost 2 am, don’t expect too much from me
pennykins 4:50 PM I doubt I missed much.
You’re doing better than the announce team.
And more coherent too.
patmetalhead 4:51 PM Yes but my cats are more coherent than the commentary team
pennykins 4:51 PM A dead inbred monkey is more coherent than the announce team.
patmetalhead 4:51 PM How can a on screen couple have so little chemistry.
pennykins 4:51 PM My cats on the other hand are more coherent than me.
patmetalhead 4:52 PM The announce team has more chemistry, that says it all
pennykins 4:52 PM Because so far as I know she’s still dating Rusev offscreen.
patmetalhead 4:52 PM And why are we talking about the announce team so much? Are we crazy?
Ah yes, that must be it.
pennykins 4:52 PM Because there’s nothing else on screen worth talking about?
patmetalhead 4:53 PM Ziggler is afraid to get his ass kicked for real.
pennykins 4:53 PM Of course we’re crazy, we’re sitting through a main roster WWE PPV.
patmetalhead 4:53 PM Good point.
pennykins 4:54 PM Rusev just… does NOT look right in those little baby Backlund booties.
patmetalhead 4:55 PM Lana’s off screen boyfriend is beating the crap out off lana’s on-screen boyfriend. I wonder what Freud would have to say about that.
Rusev does not look right period
pennykins 4:56 PM He looks like Benoit rose from the grave with Bruiser Brody’s facial hair.
Oops, sorry Vince!
You can bill my fat ass for that slip.
Dolph is selling so much Wal-Mart is sending a manager to name him Employee of the Month.
patmetalhead 4:58 PM I love how USA is always chanting for USA. In belgium we just chant for more beer…. (edited)
pennykins 4:58 PM In Canada we chant for Beer, Shatner and Poutine.
patmetalhead 4:59 PM Don’t drag Shatner into this, things are bad enough as they are.
pennykins 4:59 PM Okay either Rusev is really stiffing his shots to Zigglypuff’s shoulders, or Dolph has the single most fucked-up sunburn I’ve ever seen.
Shatner could only improve this show. Preferably by doing Dolph’s theme in spoken word.
patmetalhead 5:00 PM Beam me up scotty
pennykins 5:00 PM Scotty’s dead, he can’t save you.
It’s your own damn fault for wearing a red shirt to this thing.
patmetalhead 5:01 PM Rusev is crying, nothing can save me now…
pennykins 5:02 PM The ref made Rusev sad.
patmetalhead 5:02 PM The problem with this match is I’m just waiting for the catfight to begin…
Perhaps I should have watched submission sorority instead….
pennykins 5:03 PM We should have watched ANYTHING instead.
I could be watching paint dry as we speak.
Rusev spilled all that Mountain Dew the announce team aren’t actually drinking.
patmetalhead 5:05 PM Oh for the love off….
Double count out?
pennykins 5:05 PM Crowd is going to revolt soon.
patmetalhead 5:05 PM Ah there we go… PANTY SHOTS!!!
pennykins 5:06 PM I suppose as a woman I should scold you for that crack, but as a lesbian I was rather enjoying DAT CRACK.
patmetalhead 5:06 PM Oh good one
pennykins 5:07 PM Thank you.
patmetalhead 5:07 PM OK, that’s one feud that will continue forever
pennykins 5:07 PM Oh look, finally something I’m interested in.
patmetalhead 5:07 PM Stardust?
pennykins 5:08 PM Oh good goddess I hope not. That match alone took four years off my life.
No, Stephen Amell.
Goddamn I have so many typoes to edit out of this.
patmetalhead 5:09 PM Hey, it was your idea, I’m just doing the typos
Video package is actually not bad… In a cheezy way.
pennykins 5:10 PM Sure, blame me for my own ideas.
patmetalhead 5:10 PM Well…
pennykins 5:10 PM It was an awesome package, but they drew Neville to look like the Purple Man.
patmetalhead 5:10 PM Cosmic King? is that like an extra large burger?
pennykins 5:11 PM I think it’s a BK seasonal special.
That exhale Barrett just did on the top rope was a clear “Okay let’s get this over with so I can go slit my wrists at the hotel.”
patmetalhead 5:12 PM Intergalactic special. It’s superhero time, try to keep up penny
Barret is so getting buried this night
pennykins 5:12 PM Stephen brought the shovel.
patmetalhead 5:13 PM Oh look Barrett is trying to impress the guy who pinned him in one minute…
pennykins 5:13 PM Well they were running late, they had to sacrifice SOMETHING to get the Amell segment in that night.
patmetalhead 5:15 PM I don’t even remember what happened that ight. hell i don’t even remember what happened until now
pennykins 5:15 PM Barrett induced Amnesia.
patmetalhead 5:15 PM Lol, Cody is actually selling this well.
pennykins 5:17 PM I really don’t get the Cody hate. He’s more than good enough in the ring.
Tonight the part of Ricky Morton will be played by Stephen Amell.
patmetalhead 5:17 PM Yes, but those Stardust screeches are just weird.
Sounds like someone is getting a colonoscopy
pennykins 5:19 PM I think weird was the idea.
patmetalhead 5:20 PM Neville is awesome, Amell is just crazy and Barrett gets buried.
pennykins 5:20 PM Amell did a damn sight better than pretty much every other celeb guest ever.
patmetalhead 5:21 PM Yes but, I dunno, I’m not a fan of such things. Look at the change of pace once Neville got in there….
pennykins 5:21 PM And probably gave more than a few CW execs a coronary.
patmetalhead 5:21 PM LOL probably yes
pennykins 5:21 PM Well that’s a given, Neville isn’t human and we’re lucky we can see him moving at all.
patmetalhead 5:22 PM But OK this wasn’t bad for what it was
pennykins 5:22 PM Our eyes are not designed for his natural speed.
patmetalhead 5:22 PM True
Oh not those guys again, isn’t it enough I have to review them once a week???
pennykins 5:23 PM And Amell did well for a guy with minimal training.
patmetalhead 5:23 PM Enough already TE
pennykins 5:23 PM They know you’re watching Pat. They’re trying to break you.
patmetalhead 5:24 PM Well they’re succeeding. I’m looking when NJPW’s next event is right now.
It’s the Big Show….
pennykins 5:25 PM It’s the bathroom break
This is one of those moments as a wrestling fan where I think “I could be doing dishes right now…”
patmetalhead 5:26 PM WWE hates me, they’re not even going to show me Owens vs Cesaro before I fall asleep….
I couldbe doing my taxes right now
pennykins 5:26 PM They’re testing your resolve.
I could be doing… pretty much anything else.
I like Daniel Bryan as the evil traffic director he was in that bit.
Hey do you remember Damien Sandow? Yeah me either.
patmetalhead 5:29 PM Miz with beard?
pennykins 5:30 PM I think that was it yes.
Well this seems like as good a time as any to go make food.
I suggest you drink heavily until I return. It will dull the pain.
patmetalhead 5:31 PM Don’t say that when The Big show is around, he’ll just come after you
pennykins 5:34 PM True.
I brought cheese. I figure any constipation the cheese may cause will cancel out the constipation caused by watching this show.
patmetalhead 5:34 PM So that was pretty pointless.
pennykins 5:35 PM Of course it was, look who was in it.
patmetalhead 5:35 PM Until now we had a decent tag team clusterfuck
a group couples therapy
Big show trying to wrestle
And i’ve forgotten the rest
Oh Stewart and heyman
hahahahaha, heyman and Stewart are awesome
the David Letterman pique was the best thing of the show until now
pennykins 5:39 PM Dammit I missed it, phone rang.
patmetalhead 5:40 PM It’s bound to be in the highlights
pennykins 5:40 PM Figures, something funny on purpose happens and I miss it.
patmetalhead 5:40 PM You should know by know penny, as soon as Heyman appears… trow your phone out of the window
Damn Ambrose is over.
Damn Reigns isn’t over…
pennykins 5:42 PM And of course the one who’s least over is the one pushed most.
patmetalhead 5:43 PM WWE logic do not try to understand. If you do try every lasting consequence is in no way the responsibility of WWE or its parent companies.
pennykins 5:43 PM That was more continues than I used playing Contra Cole.
Yes I’m that old, Shut up.
Ambrose is a goddamned lunatic.
patmetalhead 5:45 PM Didn’t say anything:innocent:
pennykins 5:45 PM The second coming of Foley.
patmetalhead 5:45 PM Course he is, that’s why people love him. Nothing more over than a lovable nutcase
pennykins 5:46 PM Has this match actually officially started yet?
This is a far more entertaining trainwreck than I expected.
patmetalhead 5:47 PM With Ambrose and Harper? You knew that was gonna be fun, the other two are just following their lead
pennykins 5:48 PM I actually like all four, I just hated the weak build-up.
patmetalhead 5:50 PM Well, everything had a weak build up so…
pennykins 5:51 PM Goddamn I love this crowd. “Roman’s Sleeping”. Comedy gold.
patmetalhead 5:51 PM Yes, and boo-ing everything he does. That NEVER gets old
pennykins 5:51 PM Roman? Do you not know the definition of insanity?
patmetalhead 5:52 PM yes keep doing the same thing while expecting a different result
pennykins 5:53 PM Exactly.
The announce team failed to recognize the Doomsday Device. I am disappoint.
That was actually a pretty decent match.
patmetalhead 5:54 PM Not bad. But changes nothing for Roman.
And  another point in the TRA open! I’m on a roll!
Wow they’re putting Cesaro/Rollins pretty high up the card
pennykins 5:56 PM If Cena/Rollins is next, I guess that means Brock/Taker is last?
patmetalhead 5:56 PM Oh look, Cena sucking up to the New Yorkers
pennykins 5:56 PM If so good, we can BOTH go to bed early.
patmetalhead 5:57 PM Well of course it is, it was alwys gonna be last, biggest thing ever to happen, remember?
pennykins 5:57 PM He’s just channelling Vince like the good corporate lackey we all know he actually is.
patmetalhead 5:57 PM Well it’s 3 am here, as fun as this is, I’m afraid its not gonna last much longer…
pennykins 5:58 PM You’re a trooper Pat. I’m sure the readers are as amazed as I am you lasted this long.
I expected you to slip into an alcoholic coma an hour ago.
patmetalhead 5:59 PM LOL, it’s the cats fault. How can you not get sleepy when all your cats are sleeping happily around  you
pennykins 5:59 PM Point.
patmetalhead 5:59 PM Or its just WWE’s booking that puts me to sleep.
one or the other
pennykins 5:59 PM Seth Rollins; a better Guerrero than Chavo.
patmetalhead 6:00 PM WOW Cena comes out, crowd goes BOOOO
John cnea sucks, catchy tune, no?
pennykins 6:00 PM Oh yes, ever so memorable.
Somewhere Kurt Angle is consulting a lawyer.
patmetalhead 6:01 PM Ok I’m actually getting an headache, so the rest is for tomorrow
pennykins 6:01 PM Gimmick Infringement is srs bznzz
Alright. We’ll end the column here then.
patmetalhead 6:01 PM Good thing is I won’t have to suffer trough the first half… BECAUSE I ALREADY DID!!!
pennykins 6:01 PM I’m impressed you lasted as long as you did.
patmetalhead 6:02 PM Rollins gets cheered, love this crowd lol
pennykins 6:02 PM Heh
Night Pat.
patmetalhead 6:02 PM Have fun
well, try to…
pennykins 6:02 PM You wound me with your taunts.
patmetalhead 6:03 PM I would be ashamed but i’m half asleep so …

And with that we end our snarking, because my cohort passed out. Lucky bastard gets to escape this Cena match.

Maybe next PPV some of you other Pulse writers might care to join us?

Penny is a now divorced intersexed disabled lesbian in BC Canada. She's been watching wrestling and reading comics since she was a kid, and knows her stuff. She lives with her pets and passes her free time writing, drawing, doing paid photoshop work (including logos done for Pulse's Own Mike Gojira), and is a part-time Queer model.