The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 10.07.96
Holy shitballs, it’s gonna work tonight! IT’S NOT BUFFERING! This is actually my eighth attempt at doing this particular show over the past month, each one aborted like a prom night dumpster baby less than one paragraph in due to unwatchable buffering. And even better, it’s a NITRO DUMP this week as well, as they finally start throwing every episode they can into the archives.
Taped from Hershey, PA
Your hosts are Kevin Kelly, Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler
Marc Mero v. “Diesel”
Big Daddy Dentist pounds away with elbows in the corner, as I’m reminded once again of Jim Cornette’s story about training Jacobs to play Kevin Nash, as they watched hours of video and only needed to perfect four moves, including the hair flip. Mero quickly dumps him and follows with a dive, but walks into a half-assed press slam back in the ring. Diesel takes over with offense even more boring than Kane and we cut to a promo from “Razor” that sounds like Scott Hall doing an impression of himself while stoned on pills. We take a break and return with the crowd more quiet than a Divas Revolution match while Diesel retains control, but Mero makes the comeback and clotheslines Diesel to the floor, then hits Razor with a dive instead. And then inevitably Razor comes in for, as JR dubs it, the “insider” beatdown and DQ. This was just a total embarrassment from start to finish, although Jacobs wasn’t a particularly bad worker, just really really miscast in this role. * Also, how dumb was the WWF at this point to come up with their own version of the nWo invasion angle and then have the invaders LOSE all their matches right away? And they weren’t even real WCW wrestlers! They were literally two guys under contract to the WWF who had never even been in WCW!
Meanwhile, we get a promo video for the return of Mr. Perfect in two weeks. Which of course doesn’t happen.
The Smoking Gunns v. The New and Improved Rockers
So now the storyline is that Sunny has dumped the Gunns until they can retain the tag titles, as Billy wants her back and Bart doesn’t. Billy slugs it out with Leif Cassidy, who is miraculously getting more bulked up somehow, likely with good eating and lots of weight training, or possibly some sort of magic potion, and looking more like the Al Snow we know and love. Bart comes in with a slam on Marty, but it’s reversed to a cradle for two and a backslide for two. Bart chases them outside the ring and Leif gets a clothesline on the floor, making Bart a face (?) in peril. I’m really kind of lost as to what the deal with the Gunns is exactly supposed to be at this point. And the crowd appears to be equally confused as well. Leif with a uranage and Marty drops a fist for two as I believe Dave Scherer is in the front row with a “Read the Lariat” sign. That’s gonna be a “no” from me. So now the Gunns suddenly decide to cheat and take over on Marty with some double-teaming as you’d think this match couldn’t get any more boring, but here we are. Leif gets the hot (?) tag, but walks into the Sidewinder at 8:50. *1/2
Meanwhile, we meet the REAL DOUBLE J, Jesse Jammes, and another real Double J, Jim Johnston. So who’s the REAL, real Double J then? So for those keeping track, the storyline here is that the Roadie assisted Jeff Jarrett in falsifying his music career and actually sang Jeff Jarrett’s song that everyone hated, and this is somehow supposed to make him a babyface. Next week: Jesse Jammes tells us all what a coward that Jarrett really is. You know, just before he debuts in WCW and all.
Meanwhile, in a promo for Livewire, we see Vince Russo hanging around in the background while Vince answers softball questions. “When is Bret Hart coming back?” Oh, HOT TAKE!
Vader and Jim Cornette join us, and Cornette raises a good point: Vader beat him clean last week, so why does he have to go through Sid to get a title shot?
The Sultan v. Aldo Montoya
Yes, it’s the legendary showdown of the guys with athletic supporters on their faces. Aldo gets some dropkicks, but Sultan overpowers him with a belly to belly suplex while Backlund freaks out on commentary. Backlund ranting about being forced to wear sunglasses to prevent him from convincing the plebians not to do drugs is far more entertaining than anything in this bullshit match. The camel clutch finishes at 3:30 while Jim Ross takes credit for bringing in guys like Vader, inferring that he’s a WCW mole or something.
Meanwhile, the Playstation Slam of the Week is Mr. Perfect doing a bunch of Perfectplexes six years previous.
Sid v. Goldust
Goldust gets some ineffective offense as Sid shrugs most of it off, but Goldust goes to a neck vice, and we take a break. Back with Sid making the comeback with a chokeslam before finishing with the powerbomb at 5:18. That was a whole lot of nothing. DUD And then speaking of terrible, Vader comes in for the attack, at which point Sid completely no-sells the Vader bomb and chokeslams him to end the show. And then they wondered why no one bought the Buried Alive show.
I struggled for a month to watch THIS piece of crap show? Next week, however: Steve Austin v. Shawn Michaels!
Tags: Fake Diesel, Fake Razor, monday night raw, Sid v. Goldust, SmarK Rants, SmarK WWE Network Raw Rant