Break The Walls Down: 10 Thoughts On… Eva Marie

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10 Thoughts On… Eva Marie

If you’re a Total Divas fan, and I’m not ashamed to say that I am, then it’s been impossible this season to get away from the fact that Eva Marie has been training in an individual programme under former Tag Team Champion, The Brian Kendrick. This has resulted in some deliciously engrossing bitchiness on behalf of the ladies of WWE, but, from a broader perspective, it’s now starting to manifest itself in storyline fashion over on everyone’s favourite non-indy indy – NXT. Let’s face it, Eva Marie is hotter than curried lava with extra jalapeños, but translating her undeniable beauty into a pro wrestling entertainment talent isn’t necessarily a sure fire thing. Here, I examine my thoughts on All Red Everything since her re-debut into the squared circle.

First Thought
Nothing about this woman is natural. Nothing. Obviously the hair. But watch her hit the ropes. Hell, just watch her run. She looks like she’s terrified she might fall over. And that’s just when she’s running, which, as an athlete, should be the first and most instinctive thing you’re able to do. She’s got the body of an athlete but not the overall presence or mind-set. If she was 19 you could forgive it, but she’s in her 30’s and still acts physically like she’s just out of the womb. Metaphorically. Otherwise it’d be infuriating having to clean the ring of amniotic fluid every match.

Second Thought
Eva is like a fired retail assistant. She can’t sell. Now you may not have noticed this, but she seems to reserve nursing her faux injuries solely for post-match celebrations, where, every time without fail, she holds the right side of her mid-section. It’s bizarre. She embraces herself there like an expectant mother protects her baby bump. Unless she’s pregnant in the lower rib area in some sort of anatomically impossible scenario, it’s just weird. Although let’s not put anything like that past WWE, as I’m haunted on a regular basis by Mae Young giving birth to a hand. Mark Henry’s hand child aside, it’s not as if Eva Marie’s opponents have targeted that part of her body, or that her finisher requires her to take a hit there a la Rob Van Dam’s stomach after a Five Star Frog Splash. She just seems to think “Ooh, I forgot to sell during the match, I’ll do it quickly now before I head to the back.”

Third Thought
Have you ever done paint by numbers? Yeh that. But all the paint is grey. And the numbers only go up to 4.

Fourth Thought
There are a ton of similarities between Dana Brooke and Eva Marie. Both have great looks and are new to the ring. But Brooke is just way more watchable. She has charisma and style and she makes me feel something. Her pat on the head for announcers after she’s been interviewed makes me hate and love her at the same time, and yet when Eva Marie is on screen (unless it’s in Total Divas) I just shrug. The Total Diva, which is a ridiculously confusing moniker for Dana considering she’s not on Total Divas, has a natural chemistry with an audience, whereas Eva Marie looks like she’s in a training ring during every performance. She tried to react to the crowd against Carmella at Takeover Brooklyn with a retaliation of “How you doing?” but it somehow came off oddly, even though it was entirely the right thing to do. She’s like a dud firework, in that a natural spark is conspicuously lacking.

Fifth Thought
In Eva’s bout with Cassie on NXT, a first row fan in Finn Balor merch summed it up. He didn’t boo, he didn’t shout or scream. He just shook his head. The amount of apathy for her character is palpable. In that same match, the crowd chanted for Cassie – a Diva with zero progression on the show so far. It’s not because the diminutive Aussie is the next big thing, it’s because Eva Marie is so super bland the crowd will happily cheer for anyone that isn’t her.

Sixth Thought
The Divas Revolution is in full swing. Now while many people have been critical of how the storyline has panned out, the airtime that the hugely talented NXT alumni have received is nothing short of amazing. Some of the matches have been incredible, and it’ll be a travesty if at least one – Sasha Banks v Bayley comes to mind – doesn’t get nominated for Match of The Year. For me, the revolution is about great wrestlers getting to wrestle and from that standpoint, it’s been a success. I can’t help but feel that Eva Marie is the antithesis of this. Aside from eye-catching hair, what does she have? This woman has no stage presence, no ring awareness, a grating voice, mechanical movement… The plus side is it really highlights how excellent the other Divas are.

Seventh Thought
For every move she performs, I have a simile.

Her Octopus Stretch looks like a glorified cuddle.
Her Running Senton looks like a child rigidly jumping into a pool for the first time.
Her Roll Throughs And Cartwheels look like a broken robot on a last hurrah.
Her Sliced Bread looks like a slow motion replay of someone doing a bad Sliced Bread.

Eighth Thought
Eva Marie is All Red Everything. But her nails aren’t red. And that just flat out annoys the crap out of me.

Ninth Thought
Having watched Total Divas, I wonder if any of this is her fault. If you read between the lines of all of the seasons, you begin to question why she was brought into the company. The flame haired femme fatale has been thrown under the bus at every turn. She lied about her dance experience to become Fandango’s dance partner and ended up looking like an idiot. She butchered her in ring announcing and ended up looking like an idiot. She had tag matches and wouldn’t even get tagged in and ended up looking like an idiot. There’s absolutely no way a sane individual would make that many glaring errors. I think she was originally brought in as an entertainment figure for a new wave of modern reality TV within WWE. And that’s brilliant. Because as cringe worthy as these moments were, they were hilariously entertaining. Now for some reason the powers that be have decided they can launch her into the actual wrestling element too, but the NXT audience is not the same as the Total Divas audience. While I’m one of the Venn diagram crossovers, the majority of fans will get on her case because she’s greener than an envious frog in the grasslands.

Tenth Thought
I’ve slayed the chick. Crucified her. And I’m generally pretty positive about the talent and the business in general. So it’s worth noting that I still have a ton of respect for the woman. She’s clearly working hard. She’s always had a great figure, but go back and look at the difference between her body before she hit the training hard, and now. Compare her matches from last year to now. She’s working her ass off, and for all the negativity, that’s something to respect. Sometimes though, is hard work enough?

I had to go back and watch all of her matches to write this. So have a little thought for me, doing the gruelling stuff, for you.

Comedian, luchador, professional eater. You can follow me on Twitter - @RedNextDoor. Or Instagram if you like pictures of clouds - @RedNextDoor