We’ll I had to cancel my tea time with the Queen to write this article. It’s tough being the only one that keeps Pulse from turning into a 24/7 nerd battle page. Last night’s event was good over all, I still felt that I was watching Raw though. So lets start.
Bully Ray and Reverend D’Von would’ve won the tag belts, but those guys are too cool to exist. Instead we get the moronic Dudleys and their stupid table gimmick that we all know WWE is going to limit on TV. New Day were nice enough to bring Xavier’s Trombone. Xavier’s hair was great, and it’s an insult to compare him to a homeless fairy tale kid. Also I can’t believe people remember “Hook”. Do the youngsters cruise the internet looking for forgettable mediocre movies to watch? Oh right, we’re supposed to be talking about the match…
Nikki Bella gave Charlotte Flair another chance at the Diva’s Belt because Charlotte thinks she deserves two chances at everything. She lost clean on Raw. Don’t give me that Twin Magic bs, Nikki and Brie don’t even look alike. That rumor was probably started by some NXT mark, sitting on his fat ass. Probably someone from Philly. Do some push-ups you slob. Charlotte won, after pretending her leg hurt, so that Nikki would go easy on her. Ric comes out crying, and emotional. Yeah, were was Flair when David won his belts? It doesn’t matter that Nikki isn’t champ because she beat the record of that quitter, AJ Lee. CM Punk had to get a job in UFC just to support AJ’s opulent lifestyle. Finally, why doesn’t Beie Bella have grunge entrance music? I mean she’s married to a guy from Aberdeen, she wears flannel, and Kevin Dunn loves Seattle Pop. I can’t believe she doesn’t even get an alternative music entrance.
Kevin Owens won his first title after Ryback was thinking about sandwiches, and lost focus. I told you all that Owens was a true professional and dresses like a don.
Ziggler fought Rusev because…Bulgaria. Again Ziggler looked like a complete asshole, and won. Why did Rusev leave Russia again? Putin gave him a medal and everything. Ha, maybe Russia will annex Bulgaria because Rusev lives there?
The kick-off match was Stardust, and Ascension Vs Neville, and Los Matadors/Lucha Dragons (You choose).
We also Chris Jericho, Dean Ambrose, and Reigns lost to The Wyatts. Ambrose, and Reigns sat on the apron looking stupid while Jericho was bear-hugged into unconsciousness by Xanta Klaus. Jericho carried the whole match, and didn’t even get a thank you. I can see why everyone hates Roman Reigns, he’s a jerk just like his cousin The Rock.
Also there was a music number, Beck really rocked the arena. He did all his his, like “Loser”, “Two Turntables and a Microphone”, and “New Pollution”. Then it was time for our main event.
Seth Rollins lost the US Belt to Cena, and Cena’s dopey canvas belt. I wonder why Charles Robinson wasn’t officiating, isn’t he the Head Referee? Nick Patrick left? Anyway we needed Charles Robinson, or Nick Patrick out there. I trust them both to help Rollins cheat, which is totally fair because Rollins had to defend in two matches. Sting lost, and was really injured. As Rollins celebrated, Sheamus came down to cash-in and kick Rollins in the face. Rollins is out cold, and Sheamus is about to win the WWE WHC, and so Kane comes out to mess up everything. Kane is mad at Seth Rollins for some reason, instead of Kane exacting his revenge by letting Sheamus win the belt from Rollins, Kane goes into old man rage and attacks Sheamus(who looks awesome by the way), and then Seth. Why does Kane bother with the wig, and mask. His mask looks like eatable underwear, it looks so stupid with his nose all smashed down, Christ. Kane is an embarrassment now. He moved like a drunk angry Sgt Slaughter.
Top Guys That WWE Won’t Ask To Retire
4) Kevin Dunn
3) Pat Patterson
2) Jerry Lawler
Tags: Bully Ray, Charles Robinson, Forever Heel, Kevin Dunn, Nick Patrick, Pat Paterson, Reverend D'Von