Hello. I’ve been solicited to recap TNA Bound For Glory 2015. I did a couple preview articles, one of them a message to what remains of TNA’s fanbase, and the other running down the card. I recapped TNA’s last PPV, which had Jeff Jarrett main-eventing and winning a title TNA created and named after one of the most poorly-conceived matches in wrestling history, so that Jarrett could promote his competing wrestling promotion, so that Jarrett would agree to sell the rest of his shares in TNA, in one of the most poorly-conceived matches in wrestling history.
The card actually looks half-decent, but to be honest, given the unreal amount of talent that’s left TNA this year, the tiny amount of talent that’s left, the uncertainty regarding their network deal at the beginning of next year after just losing their last network deal at the end of last year, I’m more excited about the reaction of TNA’s remaining fanbase.
Let’s get ready for some TNA, the company that so often proves that not all messes are hot.
TNA Bound For Glory 2015
We get an opening video package and… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Josh Matthews says this is the greatest wrestling roster ever assembled in North Carolina!!!! This is awesome already. He is commentating with The Pope. I thought they were supposed to have a guest commentator too? According to his Twitter, the 3rd man is an action figure of The Pope… okay, so obviously that was not a real thing. Was it a troll? Was it something TNA screwed up? It’s impossible to tell with this company. Lame troll, if it was a troll.
The arena is quite dark, and it doesn’t look horribly empty, but it also doesn’t look full. I think I heard they didn’t sell out the arena, which holds 5000 people, besides putting both hometown brothers, the Hardys, in the main event. So the Hardys couldn’t sell out a 5000-person arena? Maybe getting the Dudley treatment in WWE isn’t looking so bad to them right about now.
Ultimate X Match For TNA X-Division Championship
Tigre Uno (c) .vs. Manik .vs. DJ Z .vs. Andrew Everett
Some really good action in this one, but definitely not in the upper tier of X-Division matches TNA has had over the years. A good match is a good match though, so no complaints from me. Highlights were DJ Z flying onto Manik with some crazy dive, followed by an awesome corkscrew over the top rope from Uno onto 2 of the other guys. Then Everett does a diving moonsault onto both guys. DJ Z does this crazy suplex where the guys’ face lands on his knee, which was good. “This Is Awesome” chant broke out, just before Everett does a move with so many revolutions that I don’t even know what to call it.
Match ended when Tigre Uno climbed on top of the Ultimate X posts. Everett tried to stop him and took a crazy fall, and Tigre got the win.
Winner & Still X-Division Champion: Tigre Uno
Oh God… Hurricane is here. And let me tell you, the man looks like absolute shit. The crowd has NO fucks to give about this, but both guys are turning their heads to look at the crowd at the same time like they’re fucking Hogan and Rock. Anyway, they tease Fat Hurricane beating up Tigre Uno, but shakes his hand instead. Josh Matthews calls this a great show of sportsmanship, which is odd because Hurricane was not in the match, and to my knowledge is not actively competing.
Now this EC3 guy comes out, and he tries to make the crowd mad, but it doesn’t sound like a lot of people care. This EC3 guy uses these mic skills that everyone loves talking about but aren’t there. It’s just overacting and overcompensation. He tries to get heat talking about the Hardys because they’re in North Carolina, and this works for a few seconds and then doesn’t anymore. He then goes on WAY too long and says “we’re in North Carolina right… woo.” That’s supposed to be a Flair thing I guess.
Bound For Gold Gauntlet Match
Ken Anderson .vs. Eli Drake .vs. Mahabali Sheri .vs. Tyrus .vs. Aiden O’Shea .vs. Abyss .vs. Jesse Godderz .vs. Robbie E .vs. Chris Melendez
Most of these wrestlers are horrible, aside from Eli Drake, who should win, but won’t, because TNA is just like that. I can’t believe most of these losers are even in line for a title shot. This is how you know TNA is not going in a good direction. Ken Anderson gets confused when his mic doesn’t come down, and then does his HORRIBLE opening schtick. That I didn’t miss.
Anderson and Jesse start off, and it’s lame, and then Eli Drake comes out. Drake takes out Anderson, some more boring stuff happens and…
Surprise entry… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FUCKING AL SNOW IS IN THE MATCH!!! Anderson and Al Snow eventually take control, then Aiden O’Shea comes in and starts working on Anderson. More of the same… punches and kicks… until Robbie E comes in. Then this Shera guy comes in, trying to dance or something, and then 3 wrestlers start dancing with him. Then ALL the wrestlers in the ring are dancing. Um… what is happening? Why are all the wrestlers dancing now? Josh Matthews says this dance has been trending worldwide since Shera started in TNA. It’s called the Shera Shake. Then they start fighting again. Well, that was retarded.
Just like literally everyone else to enter the match, Tyrus takes people a bunch of people out as soon as he gets in the ring. So I know they call this a Gauntlet Match, but it’s basically a Royal Rumble where the last 2 competitors fight under normal match rules. I bring this up because Aiden and Eli get eliminated – lame. Chris Melendez comes out – he’s a one-legged army vet.
Another surprise entry… Tommy Dreamer is here… and he’s wearing Dusty Rhodes pants for some reason. All righty then. Dreamer cleans house, and when he fights Al Snow some ECW chants break out. Dreamer does some Dusty elbows and Abyss comes out. Oh, and Shera got tossed somewhere. So far this match is just literally EVERYONE who comes in cleaning house with a couple random eliminations.
Then… from the commentators desk… Pope says to hit his music and that he’s putting himself in the match. I guess that’s totally cool, because they do. Tyrus and Brodus then look at him… and he leaves the ring. It’s as if he didn’t know they were the match before he decided to enter, which isn’t possible because he was just commentating the match.
Tyrus and Abyss then both powerbomb some guys, and this gets a TNA chant, because TNA fans have a standards problem. Tyrus then eliminates Abyss, then Dreamer and Anderson both work on Tyrus. This is really fucking lame. Robbie E is then eliminated, which is fine because he really sucks. I guess Al Snow got eliminated somewhere, and now Dreamer is eliminated after a Mic Check by Anderson.
We’re down to the final 3 – Anderson, Godderz and Tyrus. Josh Matthews says there are no more entries tonight – what, you mean they couldn’t get Stevie Richards? Shame.
Godderz gets tossed by Anderson, and then Tyrus takes out Anderson for the win.
Winner: Tyrus (Brodus Clay, if you didn’t know…)
Fucking amazing. So far we’ve seen Hurricane, Al Snow and Tommy Dreamer. I guess in wrestling, success is about timing – for instance, TNA is apparently running a wrestling show in 2001.
Christ… here comes EC3 again. If you didn’t know, Tyrus is EC3’s bodyguard. EC3 comes out, and hypes up Tyrus a bit, and says now Tyrus can challenge for whatever title he wants (they said earlier it was the World title…) He asks Tyrus what title he’ll choose. Oh, and the mic work was still horrible.
Tyrus goes “aw man I’m so tired” before displaying some horrible mic skills of his own, before saying that even though EC3 got him into TNA, that he’s going to challenge EC3 for the “World Heavyweight Championship Of The World”. Ha, okay. EC3 looks dismayed and walks off. So they might literally do a World Title feud between EC3 and Tyrus? Christ.
TNA World Tag-Team Championship Match
The Wolves (c) .vs. Trevor Lee & Brian Myers
We get a video package of the GFW Invasion – apparently Lee and Myers (aka Curt Hawkins) work for GFW, and won the tag titles, taking the belts to GFW. Wolves would win them back, highlighted in the video package by Josh Matthews yelling “SPIKE THAT SON OF A BITCH AND GET OUR TITLES BACK!!!”… but Lee and Myers have a rematch clause, so here we are. One would think that wouldn’t work if you weren’t employed by TNA, but it’s TNA so who knows.
Silly premise aside, this was a fun match. Lee and Myers aren’t great – Wolves are always a lot of fun to watch. Definitely not good enough to be on TNA’s penultimate show of the year, but not a bad match either. This is TNA, so let’s take what we can get.
Winner & Still TNA Tag-Team Champions: The Wolves
Fun fact: TNA recently inducted Earl Hebner into the Hall Of Fame… inducted by Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins… who now works for TNA Creative. Awesome. Check out these pictures. Just craziness.
Backstage, JB talks to Drew Gallway, AKA Drew Galloway – his mic skills are as bad as you remember, and his ring attire makes him look like he’s off to hunt wildlings. Or maybe white walkers, since TNA has brought back 3 cadavers tonight in the way of Al Snow, Tommy Dreamer and the fucking Hurricane. Gallways says he’s WILLING TO DIE to be TNA World Heavyweight Champion.
TNA King Of The Mountain Championship Match
Bobby Roode (c) .vs. Lashley
I like Roode, but “It Factor” is possibly the worst nickname imaginable for him. I don’t mind either of these guys, but crowd was pretty dead for this, and I don’t blame them. It was the quietest crowd to never do a “boring” chant, at least until some of them started doing a “boring” chant. Then, after a bunch of other boring spear shit, some TNA fans actually start to chant “this is awesome”. It’s just amazing. Anyway, skip this – it was the worst match so far, but only because that horrible Gauntlet had so much awful shit in it that it was hard to get bored. This was just straight up boredom.
Winner & Still TNA King Of The Mountain Champion: Bobby Roode
Roode and Lashley shake hands after the match.
Backstage, JB has Matt Hardy with a shirt that says “NEVER SAY DIE”. Matt says his entire career has been a rollercoaster, presumably talking about how he beat the shit out of his girlfriend, wrecked 3 cars in 2 days, and published videos of himself trying to get fired, drinking beer while training, setting his brother on fire, showing everyone his paychecks, and saying he was going to kill himself. Then he mouthfucks North Carolina for a while. Matt says Jeff has won a few World Titles and he hasn’t, and now it’s his time, and then he talks about how his entire family, wife and new baby are here. If that doesn’t set up him taking out Jeff when Jeff won’t count for him, I don’t know what does.
Then Billy Corgan comes to the ring, and talks about Earl Hebner. They do a giant video package for Earl Hebner, and then Corgan brings him out. We’re about 5 minutes in so far… seriously, how is this getting this much airtime? Some fans actually have Earl Hebner t-shirts.
TNA Knockouts Championship Match
Gail Kim .vs. Awesome Kong
They actually do a really good video package of this next match. I was expecting a fucking awesome match, because I remember the matches they had years ago, and they blew anything TNA or WWE had done in women’s wrestling before or since. This was… not that. Started out pretty slow, and for some reason Kong was trying to mat wrestle Kim. Kim tried to fight back but Kong dropped her, Kim tried a hurricanrana from the top but Kong didn’t move, so Kim fell and Kong splashed her but only got 2.
Then shit got weird again… Kong tossed Kim outside the ring, then she went out and started looking for weapons, which is silly because she’s dominated almost the entire match up until now. Then Gail Kim’s celebrity chef boyfriend tried to stop her, and TNA Hall Of Famer Earl Hebner started yelling at the chef. The chef guy yelled “DO YOUR JOB!” at Earl a bunch of times. Then Kong drops Kim on a bunch of chairs, and the chef yells “THAT’S MY WIFE!!!” at Earl. Earl tells him to sit down. This is so fucking stupid.
Kim gets a bit of life when she got a hurricanrana, but Kong punched her face in. Kim got in some more weak offence, but Kong chokeslammed her from the top rope. Kong went down after her, then Kim got a rollup for the pin after getting all offence.
Winner & Still TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
That was horrible. Knockouts have always been up and down, but Kim and Kong have delivered in the stuff I’ve seen. Very disappointing.
Backstage, JB is talking to Jeff Hardy, who has is painted up like a referee. He does a lame Jeff Hardy promo.
No Disqualification
Kurt Angle .vs. Eric Young
So Eric Young is called “The Bearded Terror” now. So that’s pretty awful, but not as bad as his promo, because apparently everyone goes to EC3’s acting school, and the results are evident. Crowd was pretty stoked for Angle, who announced this match was now No-DQ, and the crowd goes nuts, which is REALLY dumb because when Christy Hemme introduced the match, she ALREADY said it was No-DQ.
About 5 minutes into brawling, there was a piledriver spot and they do the injury spot where Angle is hurt again and now they’re calling off the match. Then Eric Young beats up all the medical personnel as they’re carrying Kurt out. Kurt keeps saying “Eric, it’s over” to Eric, but Eric doesn’t listen and hits Kurt with a chair. He beats Kurt up some more, and the fans are so bored they start chanting for Eric or Kurt to use this fan’s Captain America shield.
To the surprise of only idiots, Kurt battles back with a german suplex. They battle back for a bit, Angle hits an Angle Slam for 2. Eric takes control back, and apparently the referee forgot that they said Kurt couldn’t continue BEFORE another 10 minutes of offence by Eric Young. The commentators are being all “just pin him, Eric” like Kurt didn’t score a near-fall on Eric with the Angle Slam like 2 minutes ago. This is so fucking stupid. Now Josh Matthews says that if anyone was at ringside for Eric Young, they’d be throwing in the towel. Kurt is transitioning from acting like limp dead weight to kicking out of pins, to limp dead weight, to fighting for offence, and the commentators are basically wondering aloud what people will say about Kurt at his funeral tomorrow. Fuck.
Then Kurt rolls around and hits the Angle Lock. Young taps after a while.
Winner: Kurt Angle, even though they called the match for Young like 15 minutes ago.
That. Was. Atrocious.
TNA World Heavyweight Title Match
EC3 (c) .vs. Drew Galloway .vs. Matt Hardy
with Jeff Hardy as Special Guest Referee
They show a video package that has audio issues, that they abort because of that. Josh Matthews apologizes for the audio issues, and says they’re “working on making sure there are no more audio issues.” TNA has audio issues? Shocking. Swayze (that’s right, Swayze) tells me that Tyrus is with EC3. Matt hugs his baby at ringside. Jeremy Borash (who is probably TNA’s next Hall Of Fame inductee) does the intros.
By the way, it wouldn’t be a TNA recap without…
SWAYZE: Jeff looks like the Baseball Fury that washes the rest of the guys’ jockstraps, and… OH MY GOD. Matt’s wife. She had a kid with Matt too?! What the fuck is wrong with her?! I mean, if you’re cool with Matt beating you up, then fine, but don’t create another person for Matt to beat up.
Tyrus interferes early and Jeff kicks him out. Crowd seems fairly lively for this. Typical one guy down while the other 2 fight stuff, and the announcers remind me that in TNA, 3-ways are elimination rules – which is an improvement over WWE’s 3-way rules for sure. Still some pretty lame 3-way stuff though, with EC3 doing a lot of his lame over-acting after a couple near-falls. He does take a pretty ridiculous bump on some stairs, but is up after not too long afterwards. Matt stumbles into Jeff, and would have pinned EC3 if Jeff wasn’t dazed, but no go.
EC3 has horrible fucking offense, which is unfortunate because he’s in control for a while. Crowd is probably more into this than anything since the X-Division match, and it’s not the worst 3-way I’ve ever seen, but it’s kilometers away from the main event of your best PPV of the year. They do some stuff where EC3 is trying to get DQ’d, but Jeff won’t DQ him because Jeff hates EC3. Jeff eventually takes a chair away from EC3 after EC3 yells “HIS BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!” and then Jeff beats up EC3 with a chair. Matt then hits the Twist Of Fate on Galloway, and Matt gets the win.
Winner & New TNA World Heavyweight Champion: Matt Hardy
Matt brings his baby and his battered wife into the ring, and then Jeff helps their dad in the ring wearing flannel, overalls and a cowboy hat. The poor old guy doesn’t look entirely sure what’s happened, what he’s doing in the ring, why the crowd is screaming, or what is painted all over his kid’s face. It’s like a UFO just brought him here to this strange place.
To be fair, I’m confused as well. Matt Hardy is TNA World Champion in 2015 because TNA couldn’t sell out a 5000 seat-arena in the Hardys’ hometown? And yet TNA fans are making fun of WWE fans because Kane is main eventing a WWE PPV in 2015?
You can say Kane main-eventing in 2015 is dumb (and it is) but I’m pretty sure WWE isn’t putting the belt on him.
And even if they did, I’m pretty sure his next opponent will not be Brodus Clay.
EC3 goes back and yells at Dixie and shoves some fat dude. Some more celebrating, then it’s credits and we’re out.
Man, I seriously figured TNA would throw out a more decent effort here, especially on their biggest show of the year at such a crucial time for them. Like… Night Of Champions was horrible, but this was actually worse. How is that possible? Even the card looked half-decent, and it was nice that the majority of the card focused on wrestling, but this is what happens when you lose most of your best wrestlers. I mean, it’s not like my hopes were THAT high for a card that was only a Jinder Mahal away from a 3MB reunion, but seriously.
BD
