The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2015 – 11.22.15
Live from Atlanta, GA
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL
Lillian Garcia sings the national anthem to start, to show those rumored terrorists that this is still AMERICA, dammit! Take that, baseless speculation!
Semi-Final #1: Roman Reigns v. Alberto Del Rio
Reigns gets booed out of the building and the crowd is mostly indifferent to Del Rio. ADR pounds away in the corner and they fight to the floor, where Del Rio sends him into the post to take over. Back in, a flying whatever from the top gets two. Reigns comes back with a powerslam for two, but ADR gets the enzuigiri to put him on the floor again. Back in with another flying punch thingie off the top for two. Del Rio hits the chinlock, but misses a charge and lands on the floor, and they head back out there for another quick brawl. Back in for the Reigns comeback and he sets up for the superman punch, but ADR reverses into the backstabber for two. The low kick misses and Reigns gets a samoan drop for two and they head up for a superplex, which SHOCKINGLY gets reversed for Del Rio’s stupid foot stomp. That misses, and the superman punch and spear are blocked with a superkick that gets two. That spear took forever to set up and the crowd didn’t care. Del Rio tries the armbar, but Reigns reverses into a rollup and powerbomb for two. Del Rio gets another armbar, but Reigns escapes and spears him to finish at 14:04. They worked hard, but the match didn’t have much of a story to it. ***1/4
Semi-Final #2: Dean Ambrose v. Kevin Owens
Now this is a much bigger crowd reaction, with both guys getting huge star reactions. They trade rollups to start and Ambrose puts him on the floor with a clothesline and follows with a dive. Back in, Owens crotches him on the top and follows with the cannonball for two. TKO gets two. Owens lays in the quality trashtalk and follows with a senton for two. Elbow gets two and we head to CHINLOCK CITY, but Ambrose escapes with a backdrop suplex and they slug it out, but Ambrose walks into a stungun. Owens goes up and misses a moonsault, and Ambrose follows with the flying elbow for two. They fight to the top and Ambrose keeps fighting up, but Owens brings him down with the fisherman’s buster for two. Owens yells at Michael Cole to “Tell Ambrose to stay down”, but that bit of de-motivation doesn’t work and Ambrose hits the lariat and a dive to the floor. Owens bails to the other side of the ring and Ambrose tries another one, but Owens drops him on the table and gets a pair of superkicks. Powerbomb is countered into Dirty Deeds at 11:18 to send Ambrose into the finals, however. Hell of a finish to that one. ***1/2
Survivor Series match: Ryback, The Lucha Dragons & The Usos v. The New Day, Sheamus & Wade Barrett
The New Day monologue is as always the highlight of the show, leading up to Sheamus grabbing the mic in excitement and declaring that they’re going to “get jiggy on them” while the New Day shoots him horrified looks. Xavier has a new hairdo and immediately warns the Usos NOT to touch it. And they do JUST THAT! He just said not to touch it! Kofi gets double-teamed and Sin Cara gets some highspots on the heels, and the babyfaces all hit them with dives. Including Ryback, which is a thing that happened. JBL declares that he has “the glide path of a falling sofa” and that about sums it up. Back in, King Barrett works on Jey Uso, and that means it’s TROMBONE CITY. Barrett gyrates along with the New Day and it’s a total midcard geek act but sometimes you need those. Hot tag to the other Uso and he thoroughly messes Xavier’s hair, but Sin Cara eliminates Barrett with a swanton at 7:50. Kalisto gets flipped onto Kofi for two, but Jimmy comes in and gets double-teamed by New Day for the pin at 9:20. Big E spears Sin Cara through the ropes and Sheamus finishes him with the Brogue Kick at 10:41, which has Big E annoyed. Ryback comes in and puts Big E down with the clothesline, and the Uso splash finishes him at 11:30. The New Day protests and carries Big E back to the dressing room, leaving Sheamus alone with the babyfaces. So Sheamus works on Kalisto for a bit, but he makes the tag to Jey and he runs wild, but Sheamus keeps fighting as this match drags on needlessly. Ryback comes in and gets rolled up for two, but comes back with the Shellshock to win at 17:32. That match went off the cliff once the New Day walked out. *1/2
WWE Divas title: Charlotte v. Paige
They slug it out on the apron and Charlotte hits the post, allowing Paige to take over with an abdominal stretch in the ring. Charlotte puts her down with a big boot, but Paige cradles for two and follows with a superkick for two. Charlotte takes her down and gets the figure-four, but they spill to the floor and Charlotte chokes her down in the ring and does the really cool headscissors on the mat where she throws Paige around with her legs. Now THAT’S the kind of stuff she should have been doing on the main roster all along, not playing Ric Flair Jr. Back to the floor and Paige takes over out there and works a wacky submission hold in the ring. The crowd is so excited for all this that they half-heartedly cheer for Sasha Banks in between long silences. Charlotte with a neckbreaker for two and they slug it out, with the crowd decidedly on Paige’s side more and more as the match progresses. Charlotte hits Natural Selection and Paige rolls out of the ring to escape and they fight on the floor again, which results in Charlotte spearing her off the railing in a very dull highspot. Back in, Charlotte gets the figure-eight this time, and Paige taps at 14:15. This was OK, but felt very dull and lifeless. **
Tyler Breeze v. Dolph Ziggler
I see this got bumped up from the pre-show to fill time on the main card. They trade poses and Breeze tries to flee, but gets a lucky cheapshot and takes over. Elbow gets two and Breeze rolls into a half-crab, but goes up and lands on a dropkick from Ziggler. Dolph makes the comeback, but Breeze blocks a sunset flip in the corner for two. They trade near-falls and Dolph gets a backslide for two, but Breeze finishes with an Unprettier at 6:38. This was nothing. **
Undertaker & Kane v. The Wyatt Family
Having finished The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt this afternoon, I now want to see Bray Wyatt’s audition tape for the Apprentice. So after 15 minutes of ring entrances, the Vintner attacks and gets laid out, and we end up with Bray and Luke Harper as the tag team. The Brothers beat on Harper to start and Taker goes old school and drops the leg on the apron. This brings in Kane, who immediately gets tossed into the table by Brawny Strongman to allow the Wyatts to take over. Kane is World’s Greatest Director of Operations In Peril, but he quickly tags Undertaker back in for the comeback. The Brothers stop to chokeslam Brown Snowman through the Spanish table, and Bray gets Sister Abigail for two as a result of the distraction. Bray does his creepy act and everyone sits up at the same time, before a double chokeslam and tombstone finish Luke Harper at 10:15. A complete squash for the babyfaces. What a pointless waste of time this whole feud was. *1/2
WWE World title finals: Roman Reigns v. Dean Ambrose
They slug it out to start and Reigns is clearly the heel with this crowd. They fight on the floor and Ambrose hits him with a dive and works on the arm in the ring. He slugs away in the corner, but Reigns powerbombs him for two. They fight to the top and Ambrose gets a sloppy sunset flip, but comes off the top and gets punched out for two. Reigns with another one, but Ambrose counters to the rebound lariat, only to have Reigns spear him for two. Jesus, they’re doing the finisher kickouts at 5:00 into the match?! Another spear is reversed into a rollup and Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds for two. They slug it out in the corner, but Reigns spears him to win the title at 9:00. Incredibly disappointing. **
After the confetti shower (hopefully not perpetrated by ISIS, or else they’re REALLY getting soft), HHH comes out to offer congratulations, but Sheamus attacks and cashes in.
WWE World title: Roman Reigns v. Sheamus
Reigns kicks out of one Brogue Kick, but walks into a second one and Sheamus gets the title at 0:30. So that was pretty much the worst case scenario.
So we had to sit through that shitty tournament and wound up with SHEAMUS as the champion? Thumbs down just for that.