Wrestling Opinons from a Sleazy Guy
Ever since my last column my life has been complete and utter chaos, I was thrown in jail for pissing dirty for weed (I mentioned the failed drug test in my last column). I was in there for twenty-five days and it was legitimately a traumatizing experince. They keep it absoultely freezing cold in the jail, don’t allow you any of the benefits of Prison like working out or being able to buy more food whenever you want, they keep you starving the entire time you’re in there, and its populated with mostly dumb blacks who are going to Prison and thus, don’t care about getting more time, or dumb Mexicans who want to be just like the blacks. I am not a racist person, I think that racism is pretty disgusting and an embarssing stain on history, but with that being said I can completely understand why someone who stays in jail for a long period of time could become racist. The black people in there live up to the exact stereotype that people think of when they think of dumb, gang street thugs. They have their own little language, their own slang, and its impossible to try and have a conversation with them if you speak proper English and slang bullshit.
I think, that in this day and age, being locked up for failing a drug test for weed is completely ridiculous. Its 2015, not 1955 and almost everyone agrees that Marijuana has less serious side effects on you than Alcohol or Cigarettes. Now, I’m one of those people that absolutely loathe those terrible Weed Documentaries trying to push down your throat that weed should be legalized, or people that, its all they think about. But now that I’ve witnessed first hand how this terrible, backwards Republican mindset leads… I definitely have a better understanding of the flaws and corruption in the legal system. No matter who I talked to, whether it was another inmate, a guard, a cop, they all thought it was completely inane to lock me up for TWENTY FIVE FUCKING DAYS!!!!
For those of you who don’t know, I was put in Probation due to a Burglary of a Structure with Ajducation Withheld. What happened was my friend Connor robbed his neighbor’s house for a bottle of whiskey. He made it seem like it was going to be a smooth operation and shit, I wanted to get drunk. So I agreed to be the lookout. His crazy ass Mom ended up catching us (she likes to spy and snoop, you see) so we ran back to my house. After a couple hours at my house we started to relax, we drank the bottle and decided to leave the house to go get some weed. We go buy the weed and a few minutes after a cop car starts following us. We both started running like crazy, I thought we had ducked the cop so I stopped to take a breather BUT NOPE THE FUCKER WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME!!! He tackled me to the ground and I got to spend the night in jail. So far, so good right? Yes, I shouldn’t have been part of a burglary and I deserved to spend the night in jail, I get that.
So after months of bullshit SOR fines and having to go every day at 9:00 am my case finally gets decided. I get Felony Probation with an Adjudication Withheld, I didn’t really realize how serious they take Felony Probation at the time… To shorten this a bit, I had a cool PO, seemed pretty laid back, told me not to drugs and shit but didn’t drug test me once and wore Sublime shirts and had Rolling Stone covers in his office. I figured, “Aye, I can get away with smoking a little weed. As long as I don’t get into any serious trouble I’ll probably be okay, and HEY I heard they don’t even violate you for your first failed drug test. I’m around people who smoke weed all the time anyway, why not get stoned?” So I go into the PO office one and all of the sudden I have a new Probation Officer, a fat, black bitch who didn’t like me at all, and of course she drug tested me that day. I failed the drug test for weed (and just barely, after I got out of jail I got my results back and the minimum to fail is 15 ng and I failed for 18 ng, so I was barely over the “legal limit” so to speak) and was pretty panicky for a couple of weeks. After a whole month went by I started to relax, my friend’s David and Tyler had both been on Probation and they failed drug tests and weren’t violated so I’d be fine right? Wrong, I woke up to two cops standing over my bed at 7:00 AM telling me I was being arrested for a VOP.
God I hate this hick ass place. Well I’m going to stop rambling about my life to jump into Survivor Series, I’m going to be doing this one live so I can get it in fresh.
Survive If ISIS lets you
WWE Network is still low rent trash, taking forever to load. At least I know there’s some stability in life.
Now this has to be the most interesting show they’ve done since BattleGround, Seth Rollins has pretty much been WWE in 2015. On Raw and all of the PPV’s he was very heavily integrated into the main event picture. The thing is though, Rollins title reign was so bungled, so badly done. He looked uncredible, a coward, and never got to have any edge to him. He was second banana to John Cena and all of his actions were very predictable. Seth Rollins is great but the way he was being booked was terrible. This show is exciting because it forces WWE to take a new direction and no one’s completely sure what Creative is going to come up with their long term plans being thrown out the window.
1st Match: Roman Reigns vs Alberto Del Rio
To the outside and Del Rio throws Reigns into the barricade. This is an interesting match for two reasons, the first is we get to see some Mexican on Samoan violence, and secondly Del Rio is very technical and psychological in his approach to wrestling so if he works over a body part its going to be a big part of the match and should affect Reigns in the main event.
Del Rio kicks Reigns in the face and throws him into the steel steps. Del Rio is just beating the shit out of Reigns and its great, really is great to have Del Rio back. People can bitch about Del Rio’s lack of personality or that he’s boring or whatever but he is GOLD in that ring. Del Rio goes to Chinlock City, Reigns powers out with punches. Reigns misses a spear and eats the post. Del Rio works over Reigns arm with kicks but Del Rio misses a dropkick and ends up on the outside.
Reigns goes outside and hits that sick double boot stomp on the apron thing he does. Reigns rams Del Rio into the Commentator Table, back inside and Reigns hits a big clothesline. Reigns with ten clotheslines in the corner and a big boot. Reigns sets up for the Superman Punch but Del Rio dodges and hits a backstabber for two. WORK OVER THE ARM DEL RIO!!!
Del Rio DOES go after the arm with some kicks and a SICK DDT for two. Del Rio is so… 2011. He hasn’t changed at all since then as far as character. Reigns with a Samoan Drop for two. JBL talks about how Reigns is like the Buffalo Bills as he could only get close to winning the title but not actually winning it. BRO, Reigns is like, what, three years into his career? Holy shit, give him a break! Del Ro misses his extremely weird new finish and Reigns hits him with the Super Man punch. Reigns is getting ready for a spear but takes the time to do his stupid roar bullshit so Del Rio kicks him the face for two! Fucking sweet! YOU DON’T TAUNT WHEN YOU’RE WRESTLING DEL RIO GODDAMMIT!!!
Rio goes for the Armbreaker submission deal but Reigns reverses into a rollup into a one armed powerbomb for two. That was a pretty cool spot but how many variations of reversals can they do before Reigns hits a spear for the win? DEL RIO WITH THE CROSS ARMBREAKER OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE!!! Reigns picks up Del Rio and puts him in the ropes, Del Rio comes off the top and Reigns hits him with a spear for the win.
3.5/5.0 Pretty good match here with a really well done near falls sequence at the end. There was a lot of arm psychologhy in this match and that might cost Reigns later in the night… I also like how they’re using Reigns right now. He’s not an invincible Superman who powers up and can win whenever he wants like Cena, Reigns actually has to work to win the match and can realistically be beaten. He is still a limited wrestler but they stick to his strengths and he has proven he can work well as long as he’s in there with someone who’s good.
Who the fuck is JoJo? Where’s Rene Young!!?? I really hope that Owens goes over here and becomes the Unified Champion. I don’t care if it fucks up my three points in the Round table, it would be SO worth it! Kevin Owens talks some shit to Reigns and tells him that he’s going to win the title. Owens outclasses Reigns on the mic on such a level that its comical.
2nd Match: Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens
Owens theme song is so sick, that metal riff is the shit. I’m sure Metalhead digs it. Owens with a headlock to start and a shoulderblock. Ambrose with armdrags and a rollup for one. Owens gets his own roll up for one. Owens with chops and some spears in the corner. Ambrose comes back and clotheslines Owens over the top, hits a suicida to the outside. Back in and Ambrose hits the CM Punk bulldog combo. Ambrose up to the top but Owens cuts him off by crotching him. Punches in bunches by Owens and Owens hits the fat splash in the corner for two. Owens into chinlock city….
JBL will not stop talking about how WWE would look bad with Ambrose as the champion because he’s too unpredictable. DID JBL NEVER WATCH THE GODDAMN ATTITUDE ERA WHERE THE CHAMPION WAS A DRUNK REDNECK WHO MADE HIS BOSS PISS HIS PANTS WITH A FAKE GUN!!???? I just hate that lack of continuity. And would someone take Lawler out to the back and take him out with a gun? Put Rene Young on commentary, at least she has a sexy voice.
Owens makes fun of Ambrose for kicking out of a clothesline and goes into CHINLOCK CITY BABY!!!! Trips is watching this match…. probably trying to find a way to make himself win the tournament. Owens misses a senton…. and double clothesline spot. Ambrose looks like Reese Connor.
Ambrose with chops and jabs but eats a stun gun. Owens hits a GTS Gut Buster but misses a big moonsault from the top. Ambrose up and hits a nice elbow for two. So Ambrose has the clothesline/bulldog out of the corner spot AND he’s doing an elbow off the top? Really dude? Ambrose brings Owens to the top, Owens takes Ambrose off with a headbutt…. Ambrose jumps back up AND KEVIN OWENS HITS A FUCKING MUSCLE BUSTER OFF THE TOP ROPE FOR TWO!!!! Holy fucking shit, that was the most TNA thing I’ve EVER seen in WWE!
Owens tells Cole to tell Ambrose to stay down, which is pretty funny. Who the fuck listens to Cole!? Ambrose with the clothesline off the rope spot and a suicida. He goes for another but Owens catches him and THROWS HIM ON THE TABLE!!! Owens goes for the powerbomb…. Ambrose reverses with a rana… Dirty Deeds and Ambrose wins. LAME AS FUCK!!!!!
3.5/5.0 Just as good as the last match but fuck am I’m dissapointed that Owens lost. With Owens losing this is making the PPV come across as very predictable so far, I’m pretty sure everyone in the Roundtable predicted Reigns/Ambrose. Also, it looks like Ambrose is turning heel tonight.
That TLC promo is delicious, 8 Bit Roman Reigns running around like Mario is has gotpretty great.
25 years ago The Undertaker was a total badass with a lot of mystique. Now he’s an old guy that can’t take too many suplexes from Brock Lesnar. All cynicism aside, Taker might not be the greatest worker but he has gotten by on the atmosphere he creates, the unique Wrestlemania matches, and being cemented in the WWE as a truly badass force that very few people actually can beat. We can get very cynical in the IWC but I have a soft spot in my heart for Taker because I started watching in 2006, and even then Taker just had a certain aura to him, he seems like he sometimes channels something more, something from BEYOND and I don’t think anyone or anything can really match that atmosphere.
3rd Match: Ryback and some Lame Asses vs THE NEW DAY!!!!! and some other dudes
Kingston starts cutting a promo about how his team looks slick as…. ooops, can’t say bad words. Wade Barrett’s the KANGGGG OF THE RINGGGGGGG!!!!! Big E makes fun of the Uso’s saying they put band aids on… and Sheamus is feeling it, and he’s going to get jiggy with these posers! New Day stops in a pretty funny moment just doing the typical black guy hanging out with dorky overly pale irish guy thanggg.
Xavier Woods has a fresh new dooo nigga and doesn’t want anyone touching his fresh cut, ya dig son!? The Mexicans jump in and attack the black man! Why they always trynna keep a brotha down, son!? The Mexicans jump onto the Negroes and the two white guys, and shit, it feels like I’m in jail again! There’s even the dumb, white bald buff guy!! Ryback doesn’t have any of those colorful swastika tattoos though…
Xavier Woods plays the troumbone and everyone except for Sheamus dances. Sheamus is just afraid that the black people won’t accept him, WHY CAN’T YOU JUST EXCEPT THE PALE IRISH GUYS!!??? HE JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED AND LET IN THE BLACK ONLY BARS!!! YOU RACIST BASTARDS!!!!
Ahem, I was watching Far From Heaven today so excuse me if I’m bit too passionate about brothers and sisters holding hands! The All-State Guy was just trying to get some of that white women Juliane Moore Ass! WE SHOULD SHARE OUR WHITE WOMEN TO PEOPLE OF ANY COLOR! I think that was the moral of the movie…
Big E in with Kalisto and Big E spears Kalisto to the outside in a pretty sick spot. Big E’s singlet…. that blue looks too damn tacky. Sheamus tags himself in and takes out Cara with a boot. Sheamus and Big E are getting pissy with each other, C’MON BROTHERS, WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!!!??
Jay Uso in and takes Big E out with a frogsplash. Kofi Kinston is having a fucking fit about it… Xavier Woods hair does look beatiful… New Day decides to take Big E backstage leaving Sheamus by himself. Makes sense, one for all and all for one. Sheamus is about get his ass whooped. So you have a three on one advantage on Sheamus, and you have a small Mexican in Kalisto, an average sized Samoan in Jey Uso, and a huge white Aryan in Ryback. So of course they start Sheamus off with the smallest fucking guy, Kalisto. Idiots, if they wanted to take Sheamus out they should have just had Ryback finish him off. Kalisto gets his ass beat for a bit but gets the hot tag to Jey. Jey with the ass splash for two.
I feel just because of this match Sheamus is cashing in tonight. Sheamus with the Small Penis Backbreaker for two. Ryback in to boos. I am NOT transcribing a match between Sheamus and Ryback, I still have SOME taste left.
After some three on one shit Ryback puts Sheamus away with a Shell Shock. I’m saying it right now, Sheamus is cashing in.
4th Match: Paige vs Charlotte (C) for the Women’s Title
I don’t think either of them are hot but Paige looks hot in comparison to Charlotte. BTW, where the fuck is Sasha Banks!? I mean really, how much more would we be caring about this match if it was hot as fuck, super cocky, great at wrestling Banks and not Paige, who I think we’ve all had our fill of in the last two years? Fuck Vince and fuck his politics, I want Banks god dammit and I want her…. right…. NOW!!!!!
Something I feel I need to mention, I got this sweet ass new Fleshlight. Shit cost sixty bucks but it was worth it. Its the Pink Butt one which means it feels like a chick’s ass and it is the greatest investment a single guy could make. Makes porn so much better. I think I’m going to start getting all of them for the different feelings, oral and vag, which would also end the limited amount of porn I can watch with my one Fleshlight right now. Shit is awesome, if you’re not getting laid on a regular basis and have sixty bucks, get one.
Charlotte with a waist take down, amateur Angle stlye. Paige breaks it be getting to the ropes and gets some knees into Charlotte’s face. Paige throws Charlotte to the outside and does some taunting. Paige is just too damn obnoxious, all that screaming and shit. Calm down, what the fuck are you screaming about? She also keeps on doing this weird shit with her tongue, keeps on sticking it out like Fred Kruger. Paige into a very… kinky looking hold but Charlotte breaks it with a jawbreaker. You’re not going to break that jaw Charlotte, shit is made of steel!
Charlotte with a big boot and goes for the Figure 8 but Paige reverses with a roll up for two. Paige has a bit of an ass…. Paige goes for the Figure Four but Charlotte reverses into a Figure Four… and man it is weird as fuck to see chicks doing that spot. Paige reverses it but Charlotte reverses her reversal…. Charlotte decides to get all Bret Hart on us and do the Figure Four coming down off the apron. Paige ends up on Charlotte’s shoulders as the Network freezes giving me a kinky shot of Paige’s ass on top of Charlotte…
You try getting your head out of the gutter at 19, PC assholes…. Charlotte with a head scissors and kind of tosses Paige around in it. Charlotte with some spears in the corner but misses one and eats the post. Paige throws Charlotte to the outside on her shoulder. Paige with more obnoxious screaming, she’s not so bad when she shuts the fuck up for a bit… Paige stretches Charlotte out on the ropes.
Paige with a scoopslam and then puts Charlotte in a SICK submission hold, bending Charlotte’s legs over her head. Body scissors by Paige… Charlotte powers out. Fans start chanting We Want Sasha. So do I… so do I. Charlotte with a nice neckbreaker for two. Charlotte and Paige trade forearms to a boo/yay deal. Charlotte with a spear out of fucking nowhere! Paige crawls to the outside and rams Charlotte into the barricade. Again, into the barricade. Paige gets on top of the barricade to…. taunt and stick her tongue out a lot BUT BOOM CHARLOTTE TAKES HER OFF WITH A SPEAR OFF THE BARRICADE!!! That was pretty sick!
Charlotte puts on the Figure 8 in the ring and Paige taps.
4.0/5.0 Very gritty, very un-lady like… very un-WWE diva’s match. I really liked the psychology of the match and how much these two chicks just hated each other from a story point of view. They went all out and were given enough time to tell a story. Great match even if it was a bit choppy at times and Paige was obnoxious.
Ambrose said that Reigns isn’t going to pay his bills…. heel turn?
Why the fuck is Ziggler calling Breeze a millennial? Isn’t Ziggler a fucking Millennial!??
5th Match: Tyler Breeze w/ Summer Rae vs Dolph Ziggler
JBL makes a Game of Thrones reference and Cole and Lawler are so fucking old and have no idea about anything halfway relevant so there’s about a minute of silence.
Was busy conversing with Jake Zigeler and Steve over what’s going to happen at the end of the show. You know Tyler Breeze and Dolph Ziggler circa 2009 are almost the exact same fucking people except Breeze is a little bit more Metrosexual.
Tyler Breeze is really using the Killswitch as his finisher? Aye, at least I get this one in the roundtable!
Why would you want to kick Acid? Acid’s great, I wish I had some right now… this review would be A LOT more interesting for me if I did… You would be getting a twenty-two page essay on the atmosphere of WWE today vs The Attitude Era followed by me being completely amazed by everything and trying to explain it on Wordpad…
The Wyatts better go over tonight, I need it to bump up my Roundtable rank! Really though, the Wyatt Family need this win so they can cement themselves as a serious threat and not the next JOB Squad. I think they did a really good job of selling the supernatural parts of this story and making it seem like a really epic match instead of… you know, some white trash hillbillies getting beat up by two old dudes. If I was a kid I’d be marking the fuck out about this match just because they’ve done such a good job on the atmosphere. Also, Taker/Kane is such a badass tag team, very, very few tag teams can say they’ve beaten them and that adds an extra element of importance to the match.
6th Match: Wyatt Family vs Kane/Taker
Undertaker comes from out of Nancy’s closet. Undertaker’s entrance here is pretty sweet, as you have the burning crosses on both sides of the stage and a huge fucking door that shows all of Taker’s phases. Yup, even Biker Taker. The early 2000s were a strange time…
Rowan tries to attack Taker/Kane which has to be the dumbest shit he could’ve done as he gets taken out with a double chokeslam. Taker and Kane haven’t even broken a set. Bray Wyatt picks Harper to be his partner which is fucking weird. I guess they’re really trying to protect Strauman?
Kane takes out Harper and Taker gets tagged in. Taker with punches and the crowd is HOT for Taker! Taker goes for old school but Harper cuts him off with some punches, to the dismay of the crowd. Wyatt in but he eats a flying clothesline for one. Wyatt tags in Harper. Harper eats a punch and NOW Taker hits old school! Fans chant you still got it at Taker. I gotta say, Taker is looking pretty good here. Taker with the apron legdrop. Taker with a tag to Kane. Think this is a decent time to grab a Pepsi….
Was busy grabbing a soda but it seems like Taker and Kane put Strauman through a table. Wyatt hits Taker with a Sister Abigail and Harper gets two off it. Taker and Kane get taken down for the super duper obvious sit double sit up…. Taker and Kane hit double chokeslams…. Taker sets up for the Tombstone on Harper… hits it, and that’s it. And I lose a point for thinking the Wyatt’s were going to win. Whatever. Wyatts needed the win here but Taker winning makes sense within the anniversary context and its classy for WWE to give Taker a feel good moment for being a great company guy and one of the biggest draws for the last twenty-five years.
They’re having some new WWE Series, Ride Along and it looks fucking horrible. Two superstars sit in a car and act stupid. OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR TWO DUMB BITCHES SCREAM AT EACH OTHER IN A CRAMPED, OVER PRICED CAR!!! That Edge/Christian show looks pretty sweet though. I’m torn on the Austin podcast, I’ve heard nothing but good things about it but at the same time its Wife Beater who I completely soured on, on his 2002 run. I hate his promos, I hate his matches, I hate everything about Austin post 2001. But these interviews actually seem pretty edgy and ballsy, so I’m a bit torn…. Nah fuck it, fuck Wife Beater.
Main Event: Roman Reigns vs Dean Ambrose (WHO IS PROBABLY TURNING HEEL!!!) for the Vacated WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Ambrose with punches and chops but Reigns cuts him off with a clothesline. Fans are booing Reigns…. crowd seems 70/30 Ambrose/Reigns. To the outside and Reigns whips Ambrose into the barricade. Ambrose looks crazy as fuck with his shirt all torn and hanging off his waist. Ambrose goes to the top and hits a dropkick for two. Ambrose goes to that arm (thanks Del Rio!) with an ARM-bar. Ambrose with punches, and then elbows in the corner! Reigns takes Ambrose out with a powerbomb and another powerbomb for two. If creative is listening to the crowd they should definitely turn Reigns as they’re BEGGING to boo Reigns and cheer Ambrose. Ambrose with a sunset flip into a powerbomb. Ambrose goes to the top but runs into a Superman Punch for two.
Hot damn, this is exciting! New WWE Champion tonight, Sheamus could cash in, and someone could be turning heel! I’m geniunely pretty into this right now. Reigns gets ready for the Superman Punch to huge boos from the crowd. Dean reverses and hits the clothesline off the ropes spot.
GODDAMN IT MY COMPUTER’S CRASHING ON THE FUCKING FLASH PLAYER!!! WHAT A HORRIBLE FUCKING TIME TO DO IT!!!!
Fucking shitty Dell laptop, low rent piece of trash…Ambrose with punches and elbows in the corner. Reigns comes out of the corner with a spear and wins THE TITLE!!??? WTF!!???
3.0/5.0 I’m not sure if I missed a huge chunk of the match or what but that seemed short as fuck and just ended out of nowhere. No heel turn, nothing just a decent match that could’ve been better. Is Sheamus cashing in!????
There’s twenty minutes left in this show… is Sheamus cashing in!??? Reigns gets a huge celebration with Chris Benoit confetti and all that good pyro shit…..
And Trips is coming out!!!!! BURY HIM TRIPS, DO IT!!!! Trips raises Reigns hand….. Reigns refuses to shake Trips hand…. and then spears Trips for no fucking reason. SHEAMUS HITS THE BROUGE KICK, CASHES IN….. REIGNS KICKS OUT AT TWO!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
Another Brouge Kick…. and Sheamus is champion. I wanted it to happen… but now that its happened…. fuck, its Sheamus as World Champ. Trips and Sheamus hug. This is kind of like Summerslam 2013 except no one cares. Sheamus’s theme song is fucking terrible. Jesus, we’ve entered the age of Sheamus….
Final Thoughts: I feel like this is the laziest possible booking along with the lamest possible ending. I wanted Sheamus to cash in more because of the excitement and unpredictability of him doing so… but now Sheamus is the fucking champion and it sucks dick. Nobody turned, nothing unpredictable happened. The matches were all decent but this is just… this is just the absolute worst parody of Summerslam 2013 one could come up with. Reigns is not Daniel Bryan, we don’t care about him as much, the Trip swerve was so very obvious this time as well as the cash in, and I mean really I just don’t have the same emotional value attached to this as I did to Bryan finally winning the title and getting screwed out of it. I don’t know if its because I’m just too jaded at 19 but it seems like the best days of wrestling, the ones that I was most into when the stories worked for me, were 2011-14. Ever since Bryan got injured WWE has changed and it just hasn’t been able to invoke that same sense of excitement and importance in me, compared to when CM Punk was the Best In The World, Daniel Bryan was working SO very hard to prove he deserved that title, Chris Jericho being a cocky heel in a lame light up Jacket…. everything seems so lame and timid now. There’s no real rebels to cheer for anymore, or if there are like Kevin Owens they end up losing in the second match of the night and being forgotten about. This show, with almost the exact same ending format as Summerslam 2013 really highlights how little I care about modern WWE. I just can’t get into the shows like I used to…. I think this is a good time to reevaluate if I even want to continue watching modern WWE anymore or just stick to the old stuff.
Because in the end Reigns/Sheamus doesn’t make me upset, or happy, or anything, rather it just leaves me apathetic… and cold… and nostalgic for a couple years ago when there were wrestlers that the fans loved, that was natural, and not this WWE “Superstar” bullshit where they’re going to push whoever they want down your throat. What the fuck happened to the real heroes? The real rebels? Wrestling to me seems faker than ever now…
Reigns is not a beloved by the fans wrestler who is being held down by WWE, rather he’s a hated or at the best, accepted by the audience “superstar” who WWE has shoved down our throats and our trying to create a fake rebel role for him… and it just comes across as so fucking phony.