That Being Said: WWE Royal Rumble 2016 Review

Hello. I was going to offer to recap this show for Widro, but then I remembered that recaps are only fun on terrible shows, and when Jonah and myself were going over this on Trashy Ring Attire, the card actually sounded quite good. My pick for the Rumble is HHH fucking over Roman, which is my least desired scenario aside from Roman winning legit, but with the undercard and the possibility of AJ and Aries showing up.

Anyway, for a show that looks really good, particularly by WWE card standards, I thought just a straight up review might be more fun.




I didn’t see most of this, I tuned in and out. Unfortunately that meant that I unintentionally missed the tag-team 4-way, and I don’t totally get how Dudleys lost to tag-teams that aren’t tag teams.

I wasn’t exactly dying to see anyone in this match, so I obviously wasn’t dying to see anyone in this match enter the Rumble. And I’d rather staple my dick to a shark than watch Mark Henry and Jack Swagger in any capacity, so the winners here were pretty much my worst-case scenario, as well as not who I picked for the Trashy Ring Attire Open.

Obviously, for my article to be complete, I need to check in with TNAMecca to see if they’d lost their minds over the Aries thing yet, and if they would again if the AJ thing went down. So for each match, I’m going to go ahead and get the thoughts of TNAMecca and post the best one.. Here we have…

Naked Cowboy: #ThankYouBob • 29 minutes ago

So, The Dudley’s lost a 4-way tag match against 3 other teams that aren’t real tag teams where the winners get into the Rumble… They must be so happy with their decision to leave TNA

See? I’m not alone. A guy who has TNA’s travel agent as a hashtag in his Disquss profile hated the result too, so obviously I don’t need to worry about whether I have good taste or not.

Can I be honest on something else? I don’t get the panel. Like, at all. The hours of analysis is bad enough when it’s a real sport, but this is fake. We all know it. There’s nothing wrong with it, so don’t pretend to get offended by it.

It’s a bit silly to watch a panel when you KNOW everyone talking KNOWS who’s going to win, and even if they don’t, what insight on winning a Royal Rumble am I supposed to get from Corey Graves, who’s never been in the match, and Jerry Lawler, who’s most memorable Royal Rumble performance was when he hid under the ring for half an hour?



A lot of times I find brawls have odd pacing to start with. It’s not a complaint I see often, but I always thought it was odd – this though, it started hot, and it kept going. Crowd was very hot for it, Owens is insanely over and deservedly so. Ambrose remains one of my absolute favorite guys, and this one definitely started the show as a tough match to beat.

Thoughts from TNA Mecca…

Russian Bear • 2 minutes ago

Man I loathe Kevin Owens. He is the face of these NXT obsessed TNA hating basement dwelling geeks. I love that the TNA haters call the company second rate yet EC3 looks ten times more like a star than pizza delivery Kevin Owens

That’s funny, because I guarantee THIS guy has a huge boiler and lives in a basement.

If you want to elevate the US Title, THIS is how you do it, not have your best workers flying around like a maniac trying to make John Cena passable. Both these guys looked like total badasses fighting for the IC title, and it also looked like both could easily give any World Champion a run for their money (obviously Ambrose already has), and that hasn’t happened in a while.

This was a hard one to pick a winner for, because I love both guys, and I want both guys to move on to better things, but luckily I picked right on this one so I could get a point.

Russian Bear • 3 minutes ago

Credit where credit is due– good match. The problem is there was no story or psychology. Just spots. Where as the EC3/Hardy last man standing match told a story

You mean that ongoing story of TNA still going with WWE leftovers like that EC3 scrub or Matt Hardy IN 2016 for their main event ,while holding down what little homegrown talent they have left that’s actually… like, talented?

I agree though, WWE should not be relying on former TNA talent like this. It’s just not a good idea… hey, what’s a high-profile match on the next Impact?


Seriously… you guys should check out TNA Mecca. It’s hilarious.



Wasn’t the best outing I’d seen between those 2 teams (though still better than average by modern WWE standards) until about halfway through, when it really picked up. Some great stuff from both teams, some very unique team spots around and after Big E’s Dive, which I still love. Again, very hot crowd, a very fun match… 2 in a row! Even this is unprecedented by modern WWE standards.



I thought this was a great match as well, although it did seem like they lost the crowd a few times. They definitely picked up for the high spots, and hopefully this match won’t get forgotten amongst the 2 other good matches so far. I really liked the match, it was a simple story and both guys had great spots, even with a clear-cut face and heel. And it was a close match that was won fairly, with no shenanigans on either side, even though the bad guy had a stable at his disposal. What is happening here?!?!



I really liked the video package and the simple story behind this match, it sold it as something serious and made both girls look good. I could always do without having Flair in between 2 credible women wrestlers which is a rarity in WWE, particularly when he’s sexually harassing people, but this match was still good. I got the feeling they could definitely do better, but cool seeing Sasha finally get some involvement… especially looking more like a badass that is out for herself, beating up both other girls. Major pop too, and still love that finish.



  1. Of course WWE went the “the fans are booing Roman because they like to see DIFFERENT people win every year” very early. Guys… I know it’s been said, but you’re making it worse, and people already know why they’re booing when they make the decision to boo.
  2. So… I like Roman, but he was gassed about 3 minutes into that, after not a whole lot of cardio.
  3. Watching AJ come out and have the fans recognize him like that was AMAZING, for as long as I’ve been watching and enjoying AJ Styles. Seeing the pop, the chants THROUGHOUT HIS ENTIRE TIME IN THE RUMBLE, and to have him eliminate THREE PEOPLE in, like, no time at all, was nuts. Having him on the main roster, and having him eliminated by someone important, FAR exceeded my expectations on how WWE would handle him. It could easily come off the rails, but it was fun for tonight even if it does.
  4. I would have thrown comments from TNA Mecca in here because I’m sure they’re AMAZEBALLS, but the Rumble is too fast-paced for that nonsense. Someone should check it out and post it in the comments for me, or maybe I’ll do an article on it for fun.
  5. “Chris Jericho looks like Dave Coulier.” – Martin Shaw
  6. I don’t understand the point of Kane in 2016.
  7. I don’t understand the point of Goldust in 2016.
  8. I don’t understand the point of Ryback in… well, ever.
  9. “Ryback, and the crowd goes mild.” – CB
  10. “Goldust looks like a gold version of the Blue Beetle.” – Dave Dubya (WrestlingFacts)
  11. Unless there’s a really good reason not to do it, every wrestler should be named Byron Saxton.
  12. I don’t understand the point of R-Truth in 2016.
  13. I don’t understand the point of Titus O’Neil.
  14. “How appropriate that Luke Harper enters at 13.” – Michael Cole … what?
  15. Well, I was expecting something more subtle than Vince just outright bringing a bunch of goons out to beat on Reigns, but that’s fine.
  16. “Is Lord Robert Cecil in this League Of Nations? If not, then I challenge it’s validity.” – Dave Dubya (WrestlingFacts)
  17. Just once I’d like to see a wrestler show a little sportsmanship and wear a different wrestler’s t-shirt.
  18. Watch Stardust again? Sure, that’s an option. While you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, you pieces of shit.
  19. I don’t understand the point of Big Show in 2015.
  20. Ryback was eliminated by Big Show? Did he donkey-punch a Bella? Not that I’m complaining.
  21. Still some awesome AJ Styles chants 25 minutes in. It may be a Bryan / Punk situation where it’s not necessarily up to WWE what they do with him. Crazy.
  22. Large McBighuge (I’m not looking it up) looks like he’d get caught masturbating in the park.
  23. Really? Chunk eliminates Kane and Big Show? The least-talented Wyatt guy? Not that I’m complaining about Kane and Big Show being gone.
  24. Owens / Styles – yes PLEASE. Owens gets HUGE heat for taking AJ out, and AJ lasts almost 30 minutes and is the most popular guy in the match the whole time… AND AFTER! Very few mark-out moments in wrestling for me, this was one of them.
  25. This is a pretty obvious “Wyatts beat everyone so Brock comes in to kill them” spot.
  26. Mark Henry in a Royal Rumble. Wouldn’t it be easier for someone to just shatter his knees with a hammer backstage where there’s easier access to medical attention?
  27. I’m not looking too forward to Beef Chucksteak’s push.
  28. HUGE pop for Brock, possibly the biggest one aside from AJ.
  29. I don’t understand the point of Jack Swagger.
  30. Brock is awesome.
  31. I don’t understand the point of The Miz.
  32. Oh God. Don’t let him talk.
  33. Fuck.
  34. “Miz is going to defeat Fist RockBone via bad commentary.” – Dave Dubya (WrestlingFacts)
  35. Del Rio Lesnar is a match I’d watch… maybe not so much the way it went down, but still.
  36. For a second I was worried about Chunk McBigmac actually giving Lesnar a run or going the distance. Thanks Brock.
  37. It is a refreshing twist to see Bray come out after all the other guys have already been eliminated. Not the usual easy storytelling they’re so apt to go with.
  38. Welp, never mind.
  39. Looks like Lesnar / Bray for Mania then, which IS WHAT I TOLD YOU WOULD HAPPEN JONAH. Which means Roman is going to come back out after having half an hour out, and then HHH can come back out and fuck him.
  40. Not a single person got excited by Miz’s moves, I’d have expected more surprise that Miz can still perform moves.
  41. Roman saved me from having to watch Shaemus, I’ll give him that.
  42. CALLED the HHH thing.
  43. So basically Dean is the only good choice to win this. The Intercontinential Champion… who’s already been in a brutal match… basically guaranteeing it won’t happen.
  44. Jericho is still here? They need to dock that dude a half-hour’s pay.
  45. Well, the HHH / Wyatt interaction was interesting, I’ll say that.
  46. Wyatt would have been slightly less offensive than anyone not named Ambrose, so that’s a shame.
  47. Well, I figured if HHH was gonna fuck Roman, it’d be near the beginning or right at the end, not with other people still in there. Definitely not Ambrose. Doesn’t body well for Ambrose but if he wins… holy shit.
  48. Annnnnd no. So Roman chases HHH to WrestleMania, and basically WWE doesn’t at all understand what happened in 2015 or 2014. Hilarious.


So, although the ending was predictable and lame as all fuck, this was still a good show. It just was. Even the Rumble… lots of suspense.

I really have no idea what other people thought of this show – I find I have a hard time keeping up with fans these days. On a show I hate, sometimes they’re like “amazing psychology, hard-hitting and methodic” when it’s Shaemus and Wade Barrett axe-handling each other to death, and on a show I love they’d be like “there’s no storytelling here, this is a spotfest.” So, I’m interested to read what others thought.


Although, if you’re into “amazing psychology, methodic storytelling”, and are offended by HHH being World Champion… may I suggest TNA’s current main event scene?


If this isn’t enough for you, believe it or not, BRODUS CLAY figures heavily into this storyline. If that’s not enough to get you to tune in, well Dixie should just pack it in right now.

Thanks for reading! If you liked my review, please like / share / subscribe / follow, or whatever.

And if you didn’t, or if you’re a TNA fan and obviously assume I’m some “WWE fanboy” because I liked one show (I’m actually way harder on WWE normally but this was a really good show), please remember to call me a faggot in the comments as the evolutionary gap required to be a TNA fan dictates.


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