The Bachelor 2016 – Ben H: Episode 5 Recap


A full two hours of Bachelor last night and honestly? I took less than two pages of notes. The first bullet was the obvious – Viva La Mexico? It seemed to be rolling off peoples’ tongues like a trending hashtag, and I’m no linguistic genius (I sort of am, actually), but I’m pretty sure that is not a thing. Other than that, the episode wasn’t the worst.

Sure, I was thrilled to see Jubilee had declawed herself and her nails appeared to be a normal length (which could be because she realized how ridiculous they looked, or even potentially because they’ve started to actually fall off her hands from the stress of being on the show, but more likely is because they grew out and there isn’t anyone to fill them in for her) and sure, I had mixed emotions about Amanda’s open toed booties on her one-on-one, but really, overall, I think I spent a lot of time last night…wait for it…totally enamored with Ben.

Retainer aside, could he be any cuter? Could he say any more things that are just the right thing to say? Can he look deep inside anyone else’s soul and find exactly what makes them who they are, and then coax it out with a gentle tug like the last foot of a newborn and look deeply into any more eyes? It’s not even possible.

I actually think he might be the most sincere bachelor in Bachelor history. Thoughts?

With every interaction he had with every girl, I just liked him more and more. Let’s start with his one-on-one with Amanda, who like JoJo last week, almost cried when she got the date card. He woke her up at Four Twens, and of course she looks perfect (not in a terrifying way like Britt did last season fully made up) while the rest of the girls revealed their snaggle teeth, head gear, dragon breath and clumps of hair resting on bedside tables. Yup, Amanda floats out of bed in a cloud of fairy dust and off they frolic to a hot air balloon ride at sunrise. Adorbs.

On a side note, did anyone else think it’s funny that Jubilee and Olivia are bed mates? I can just hear the whispered convos among the other girls when beds were being chosen. Rushed whispers of ‘why should I be the one to be killed in my sleep or attacked by Olivia’s mysterious toes?”

Before Amanda and Ben have even left the ground in the hot air balloon, Olivia’s back at the house wagging her finger at the camera about the fact that Amanda is a mom and therefore not worthy of finding love and that even if she was, it doesn’t matter because Olivia has decided that she’s back – like riding the bidet and speaking about oneself in the third person back – and that means watch out, Bitches! I wonder what Olivia’s mom has to say about her daughter.

So yeah, the balloon ride was cute, as was Amanda accidentally wearing her black mini dress backwards at dinner, but the most adorable part was Ben, just determined to get to the bottom of how Amanda is the way she is (and probably get to the bottom of why every single girl on the show is a victim of infidelity in a past relationship.) I don’t blame her for tearing up with everything he said, because I had a full lump in my throat too. And sidebar, if Amanda and Ben don’t end up together, I’m calling her as the next Bachelorette. It will be the exact same season as Emily’s, which isn’t ideal, but it’s still pretty cute. You heard it here first.

The next day Olivia and Ben go out for their two-on-seven with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B and Leah and a sea of high waisted shorts. Olivia gets way too much camera time, embarrassing herself by calling out the various ways she and Ben have electricity raging between them and forcing us to criticize her horrible posture (I think I actually sit up straighter every time she’s on camera – my mom would be so proud) and stare at her fake, wide-eyed smile that’s held too forcefully for too long over and over again. As most of the girls let the Spanish ‘r’ sound roll off their tongues, Jubilee is completely unrrrrrravelling.

To a certain degree, I don’t want to critique Jubilee, because girl’s got a shitload of heavy stuff on her shoulders, but at the same time, she really just has to chill. After this whole show is over, if Ben were to pick you, Jubilee, how would you react in any social situation? There are always going to be people around who could potentially take Ben’s attention away from you…I just don’t think coping skills are at the top of her resumé.

I do have to hand it to her for almost, sort of, fighting for Ben during the cooking partnership debacle. But of course, Olivia gets her way again.

The evening portion of the date begins predictably with Olivia grabbing Ben before he can even get a word out. Of course, you never know how you’re going to react in a situation until you’re in it, but I feel like if I were on the show at the point, I’d be like ‘really Olivia? After the whole day together? Sit your ass back down.’ Really, I would. I mean it.

So no one did that, but I do have to hand it to Emily. Without question, Emily gets my rose for this episode. Sure, when it comes to Ben she’s still as irrelevant as Madonna’s music any time after The Immaculate Collection, but she scored major points for a) stalking Olivia and Ben on the cooking date and making the joke about Ben forcing Olivia to have some mint to mask her halitosis, b) interrupting Olivia’s night time one-on-one like four seconds after Olivia and Ben sat down, exactly as the evil one herself would, and c) getting the whole ball rolling with all the girls at the final cocktail party. Demerits for calling her sister Hailey and a) expecting sympathy from the girl who just got dumped by the guy she’s still dating and b) needing to call her sister in the first place for moral support. Aren’t phone calls reserved for single parents and family emergencies?!? Oh well, nobody’s perfect.

I thought the rose that night would go to Lauren B whom he clearly has strong feelings for, or JoJo, who said all the right things to Ben once Jubilee could no longer cling to the one-on-one they had four months earlier and was sent home. But nope, he gives the rose to Olivia (it’s okay guys, you don’t have to say congrats…are you fucking kidding me?), who apparently he also gives sweetness, communication, and openness to. If only he gave her some blotting papers and face powder, now those would actually be useful.

For the final one on one of the week, Ben gives it to the other Lauren (S?), who I haven’t really been sure about all along. She started the date off in the tightest jean shorts I’ve ever seen. Ben probably had a whole other date planned but once he saw her in those shorts, he decided to do her vaj a solid and get her into some more breathable clothing.

Despite her nervousness, and him looking decidedly Amish when they played dress up in the store, they both did really well in the fashion show, with her not falling and him looking pretty damn hot (stop it with that wink).

That evening we hear yet another sob story about a guy cheating (seriously, what is it with these women?) and to add insult to injury from her earlier ensemble, Lauren practically wets her pants with every word coming out of her mouth. The night ends with Ben being no closer to establishing any sort of hierarchy in his feelings for the women, because hey, he can see himself with them all.

Meanwhile back at the house I have two revelations. One, I realize that JoJo has implants which explains her perfect laugh-in-the-face-of-underwire boobs (mystery solved) and after seeing Amanda chilling on the bed talking to Lauren B, I also come to terms with the fact that in my world, hairbands have and always will be used exclusively for face-washing and other basic skincare rituals and not for pulling off the cute disheveled look that everyone else around me seems to effortlessly be able to. Sigh.

Cocktail party time rolls around and the only thing less appealing than Olivia’s posture is her ode to menstruation of a dress. I guess it does suit her, cuz she’s always out for blood, right?

Ben spends his time working the room, which includes a really bad kiss with Lauren B, a really sincere convo with Emily about Olivia, and alarm bells flying high when Amanda backs up Emily’s story by spilling the beans on the teen mom comment, which Olivia desperately tried to back-pedal against when she realized it wasn’t the nicest thing to say as the words were leaving her mouth.

There’s pretty much no chance that he’s just going to send Olivia home first thing next week. If he didn’t last week, when every single one of us was perched on the end of our couches waiting for it, I’ve basically given up. I just don’t see him immediately turning on her just cuz the other girls said so, but if it raises some alarm bells, well, that’s a start. I don’t know why these bachelors always seem so surprised that one of the girls in the house is a bullying bitch. There is literally one on every season, yet they never seem to learn.

So now we have to wait to hear what Olivia says to dig herself out of the hole she’s created. Next week, Ben perches on a mountain and the girls freak out. I’m guessing a two-on-one with Becca and JoJo which makes me kinda sad L

And speaking of next week, I’m going on record now that there will be no blog post. Lotsa work stuff going on and I’ll be lucky if I even get to watch the episode. So feel free to share your comments on my Facebook page if you need a place to vent (and if you haven’t liked me on Facebook yet, what the hell are you waiting for?) Over there? To the right? See the little icon? Click!

I’ll be with you in spirit, my people. Namaste.

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