Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for March 31st 2016: The Go Home (You’re Drunk) Show

Columns, Top Story

Hey there, gang. I’m David Spain, this is the Spain SmackDown Report, it’s but a few days before WrestleMania and what the hell is going on? I mean, we’ve sat through a WrestleMania main event Miz title defence, and for a while it looked like WrestleMania XXX was going to be Randy Orton vs. Batista, but what the Dickens?

You know, we’re finally going to see it. We’re finally going to see Vince McMahon sacrifice his greatest creation to prove us wrong. It’s going to be like watching Darth Vader fling Emperor Palpatine into the reactor of the Death Star. Only…Vince isn’t evil or genocidal. Vince just has this stubborn belief that because he made wrestling into a form of pop culture that no wrestling company back then could have envisioned, he now knows better than any of us about anything involving wrestling. We are going to either watch a man have a decades-long delusion stripped from him or, even worse, we’re going to see him sabotage the biggest annual wrestling event in the world, for thirty-two years running, which he himself willed into being, and he won’t realise that it’s his fault.

I’ll be watching WrestleMania, like most if not all of you. And yeah: I’m watching it because I cannot wait to see Becky, Sasha and Charlotte put on an amazing Triple Threat match, and because Shane McMahon is going to make us believe in miracles. Because Brock Lesnar and Dean Ambrose are going to redefine ‘no holds barred’, and because Chris Jericho and AJ Styles are going to remind us how beautiful a wrestling match can be. But, aside from all of that, I’m watching WrestleMania because it’s going to be King Lear starring Vince McMahon. And like King Lear, it’s going to be tragic, it’s going to be emotional, and the moral of the story is that crazy people shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions.

But hey, fucking SmackDown.

You just know that so much of this is going to be recaps of RAW and previews for the big show. And anyone who reads these columns is sitting there and going, ‘well, yeah, isn’t it always?’ Yes, smartass, but this is going to be that same thing even more. Buckle up, motherfuckers.

Lot of accent in that ring

But, every cloud has a silver lining, and here’s ours: an AJ Styles match. Mauro Ranallo and Jerry Lawler are your hosts, and I’ve no clue where Byron is. But here are the Social Outcasts, and it looks like it’s Heath Slater vs. AJ Styles. It’s HickMania! Slater talks up the four of them being in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, which is like bragging about having herpes. I love Adam Rose’s snarky bitch persona as part of this team: it’s so absurdly unwarranted.

Match gets underway, and if Slater manages to injure Styles here, he’s not leaving the arena alive. Tie up, and Slater throws Styles into the corner before backing off. This time, Styles goes behind and throws Slater into the ropes. Heath runs the ropes, right into a dropkick. Snapmare and a knee drop from Styles gets two, then Slater hits a fist to the gut. Styles fires back, gets thrown into the corner and boots Slater in the face. Axel grabs Styles’ leg, and then distraction is enough for Heath to knock him out to the floor.

Styles’ face is rocked off the steps, which gets two in the ring. Knee drops from Slater, then a rear chinlock. Styles fights out, but runs into a kick. Another chinlock applied; Styles fights out of it again, and gets thrown through the ropes. He takes his time coming back in, which is a smart move because Slater starts stomping and choking him. He dodges a stinger splash however, and takes Slater down with a flurry, then hits a clothesline and a kip-up. Corner clothesline, then a fireman’s carry neckbreaker. Pele kick knocks Rose off the apron; Slater rolls Styles up for two. Styles is elevated over the top rope, kicks Bo in the face, and hits the springboard forearm to take the win.

Good match, with the Social Outcasts’ numbers allowing Styles to showcase himself more. 2.5 Stars.

Skipping all of this preview stuff, because I assume you all remember the last few weeks of programming. If that’s giving you too much credit, then I’m sorry.

Well, now I’m so excited for the WrestleMania match

Half an hour later, we have our next match. At least this is going to be a short review. It is Jey Uso vs. D-Von Dudley, because nobody cares if either of these two get injured.

Jey starts off with some right hands, working Jey over in the corner. D-Von reverses a clothesline, but eats a clothesline nevertheless before getting clotheslined out of the ring. Jey drives D-Von into the barricade, pausing to stare down Bubba, and then throws D-Von back into the ring.

Jey misses a charge, sending himself shoulder-first into the corner. Bubba smacks him in the side of the head as the ref’s distracted, and D-Von chokes him on the ropes for a bit before beating him down in the corner. Spinning back elbow takes Jey down again, but he comes back with a right hand, right before D-Von clubs him to the ground. Scoop slam, and then D-Von heads up to the top, missing the diving headbutt.

Jey reaches his feet, coming off the ropes for a high clothesline, then hits a superkick. Dance uppercut, then a Samoan Drop. Samoan Wrecking Ball follows it, getting a two count, and then Jey brings D-Von up to the top rope for a superplex. D-Von reverses it, hitting snake eyes before taking the win with a spinebuster.

This seemed extremely clunky. And I blame D-Von. 1.5 Stars.

Bray doesn’t care much for Rowan

Twenty-three minutes later, it’s time for our main event, which is Dean Ambrose vs. Erick Rowan. The Wyatts accompany Rowan to the ramp, and then just leave him on his own. WELL I GUESS THAT’S NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL, GUYS.

Bell rings, and the two lock up. Ambrose locks the arm, but Rowan swats him away, sending him off the ropes before taking him down and booting away at him in the corner. Headbutt to Ambrose, who fires back with some punches before running into a back elbow. Inspiring stuff from one of our WrestleMania main eventers. Rowan rakes the face, but then eats a boot from Ambrose, getting sent out of the ring. Ambrose runs off the apron and clotheslines Rowan on the outside as we go to a commercial.

When we come back, Rowan eats a dropkick to the knee, but still hits a spinning powerslam. Rowan hammers away at Dean, then wrenches his head back on the ropes. Snap suplex from Rowan, then a sleeper, and right now it looks like Rowan should take on Lesnar. Pendulum backbreaker from Rowan, then a splash for two. The Wyatt Family member wrenches back on the face, then smacks Dean around in the corner for a spell.

Dean suddenly fires up, hitting some offence of his own before running into a big boot. Another sleeper hold from Rowan, and then a pair of fists to the side of Ambrose’s head. Dean manages to get away and keep away from Rowan before hitting a crossbody. He runs into another boot, takes a back elbow from the second rope and kicks out at two. Rowan drapes Ambrose over the top rope and pounds him before hitting a bodyslam, then heads up to the top himself. Dean catches him up there, taking him back down by way of a superplex.

Dean’s up now, and hits a forearm in the corner. Rowan reverses the bulldog, but gets dropkicked out of the ring. Ambrose dives through the ropes onto him, and then we get a slugfest in the ring, which Dean wins. Standing elbow from the top rope gets two, and Dean slides out of the pumphandle slam; Rowan counters the Lunatic Lariat with a Ura-nage for two. Spinning kick gets two, and Rowan gets frustrated, allowing Dean to hit the Lunatic Lariat. Dirty Deeds ends it.

This wasn’t bad in terms of quality. Bit bizarre that Ambrose took so much offence from Rowan, considering the fact that he’s up against Lesnar on Sunday. Really didn’t make him look like much of a contender. 2.5 Stars.

Well, this was always going to be a light show, so there’s not much point in rating it. None of the matches were offensive, so there’s no real complaints. All that’s left now is WrestleMania: see you on the other side, and enjoy the show!

David has a jaded and cynical view of wrestling, which complements his jaded and cynical view of practically everything else. He spends his time writing novels and screenplays, lifting heavy things while listening to classical music, and waiting with bated breath for his next opportunity to say "it's Dr. Spain, actually".

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