Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for Cinco De Mayo 2016: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Happy Cinco De Mayo, everyone. I am, of course, a total professional, so my celebration has been limited to the creation and drinking of a new cocktail which I’ve yet to name. It’s two parts gin to one part whiskey to one part vodka to a half-part Lillet Blanc, and it has put me on my ass, so this should be an interesting reviewing experience.

And to kick us off, here’s the man who introduced Ambrose’s head to a plant pot on Monday: Chris Jericho. He’s here to present the Highlight Reel, which was reintroduced this week. Chris laughs about putting a guy in hospital overnight, and says that Dean’s not here tonight, and that we should all drink in some Jericho.

Jericho introduces Sami Zayn, which is a nice twist. We look at a replay of Cesaro, Miz, Zayn and Owens starting to fight over the Intercontinental Championship. Jericho asks why Zayn keeps attacking Owens, and why he’s getting involved with the Intercontinental Championship picture. Sami seems pretty chipper, and joins in the great tradition of mocking Jericho’s scarf. Zayn says he’s got no problem with getting beat, but Owens had no reason to slap him after the match.

Miz’s music hits, and the Awesome One makes his way down to the ring, along with Maryse. Y2J takes exception to Miz’s appearance, but Miz tells him to wait, instead telling Zayn to keep his grubby Canadian mitts off his championship. He claims that Zayn is trying to ride his coattails, and says that Zayn had better not lay a finger on his title.

Sami, of course, puts his fingers all over that championship, and Jericho tries to start a fight. Jericho’s jacket is also apparently worth fifteen thousand dollars, and that’s, like, ten percent of the value of my entire apartment: that consumerist animal. Zayn cracks wise about the jacket, and Chris leaves, after a brief hissyfit. Miz turns on Sami, telling him that he’s nothing compared to him. Sami doesn’t apparently give a crap, and it looks like there’s about to be a showdown, but Miz bails, leaving Sami standing alone.

Really love this Sami Zayn guy

When we come back, it looks like a match has been made between the two. Miz starts off by grabbing the arm, twisting it. Zayn rolls out of it, flipping Miz over before barring the arm. Miz sends him into the corner, gets leapfrogged and then eats some armdrags. Zayn mounts Miz in the corner, hitting some rights to the face, but Miz drops him onto the turnbuckle, stomping all over him. Zayn springboard-leapfrogs over Miz, hitting a lariat kick to get a two-count.

Headlock from Zayn; the Miz backs him into a corner, prompting a clean break. Miz takes advantage of the break, striking away. He runs into a clothesline, and then takes another to send him out of the ring. Miz drags him out too, and drives him into the turnbuckle. Zayn is able to leap onto the barricade, and backflips onto the Miz…and Kevin Owens’ music hits. Owens heads out , standing on the ramp for a moment to stare down Zayn, and then approaches the ring as we go to a break.

When we comes back, Miz slams a clothesline into Zayn. Kevin Owens is on commentary as Miz hits an axe-handle from the top. Zayn rolls him up, starting some offence, and then low-bridges Miz out of the ring. He hits the running Swanton Bomb over the top rope from Miz, but then stops in order to the threaten Owens. Owens backs off, but jumps Zayn the second the guy has his back turned.

Never really got going. Shame: it could have been good.

Miz and Owens stomp Zayn post-match, prompting Cesaro to come out and deal some uppercuts. He even keeps his sunglasses on throughout. Zayn eats an uppercut too, and Miz just manages to escape a Swing. Cesaro sends Owens over the top rope, and Cesaro alone stands tall, raising the Intercontinental Championship over his head.

We take a look back at the Bullet Club vs. Roman and the Usos, with Gallows and Anderson trying to get Styles to Embrace The Hate. I like how this whole thing has been put together, honestly, even if it does bear a passing similarity to Civil War.

Backstage, Gallows and Anderson are upset that AJ Styles had no interest in whacking a defenceless guy with a steel chair. It’s weird as hell seeing Luke Gallows this eloquent. Styles says that he’s going to have a word with Roman Reigns.

Another Colóns promo. I don’t know what this is trying to convince me about these two, other than the fact that they talk about literally nothing but Puerto Rico. Also, Puerto Rico is bankrupt: they defaulted on their fucking loan. So I feel like these promos are extremely badly timed and, probably, not quite on the money right now. Is that going to be their gimmick: they’re going to try and persuade the WWE Universe to pay off the national debt?

Moustache Mania

We see a recap of Enzo Amore almost getting his neck broken; the Vaudevillains are now our number one contenders for the Tag Team Championships, which is definitely the most sensible thing to do. I also loved how WWE turned crisis into opportunity on Monday, allowing Enzo’s injury to showcase Cass’s capabilities without him: man looked convincing.

The Vaudevillains are facing the Social Outcasts tonight. Axel throws English, but a distraction from Gotch allows English to hit a chop block, stomping Axel. Double chops to Axel as Gotch tags in, applying a chinlock. Axel gains freedom, but both men hit clotheslines. Each man gets a tag, and Bo Dallas comes in strong with a powerslam. Gotch breaks up the pin, tossing Axel out of the ring. Dallas runs into a pair of boots, eats the Whirling Dervish, and that’s all she wrote.

Simple and to the point. The Vaudevillains should be good opponents for the Champs. 2 Stars.

Big Cass shows up after the match, looking pissed. He throws some serious shade and fighting talk at both Vaudevillains. I could absolutely buy him as a singles competitor even this early now. He actually clears the ring of both Vaudevillains, like a fucking badass, and then destroys Curtis Axel with the East River Crossing. He’s like if Edge and Kevin Nash had a baby.

Emma is so much more attractive when she’s evil

Here’s Charlotte and Emma, ready for a tag team match against Natalya and Becky Lynch. Charlotte and Nat start off with a collar-and-elbow tie-up. They mat wrestle for a moment, and Charlotte gets the better of the exchange, followed up by Nat taking the advantage. Some sweet grappling before the tag is made to Becky Lynch, and both women hit the double team leg-snapper before Becky drops some legs. Tag to Natalya again, and Charlotte ducks into the ropes before catching Nat with a big boot.

Emma tags in, stomping Natalya in the corner. Charlotte comes back in, hitting the Flair chops to Natalya. A tag back to Emma, hitting a snapmare and the kick to the back. Face-plant to the mat, and Emma rains blows down on Natalya. Charlotte tags in now, and it’s back to the stomps. She smacks Nat across the face and then locks in a sleeper, before slamming Natalya back-first against the mat.

Emma tags in again, and Natalya manages to tag out as well! Becky comes in hot, knocking Emma all over the place. Flying forearm to the face, kick to the gut, and Charlotte rescues Emma, dragging her to the outside. Becky is distracted by Charlotte, and Emma takes advantage, knocking Becky down and tagging Charlotte in. Charlotte applies some headscissors, smashing Becky’s head off the mat as we got to a commercial break.

When we come back, Becky reverses a Figure Eight into a roll-up, but runs into a big boot from Charlotte to knock her to the ground. Emma tags in, knocking Becky around, with Charlotte hitting a cheap shot. Charlotte tags back in, hitting the Flair knee to Becky before smacking a forearm into Natalya’s face. Emma tags in, taunting Becky before eating a foot to the face. Emma stops Becky from making the tag, but Becky breaks free, hits an enzuigiri to Emma and tags in Nat!

Charlotte’s in too, and takes a bunch of clotheslines and a springboard atomic block! Dropkick and a Discus Clothesline to the face! The Sharpshooter’s applied, but Emma tags herself in and hits a Butterfly suplex! Running crossbody to the corner, with Becky breaking up the pin. Becky tosses Charlotte out as the Sharpshooter is applied, making sure the Women’s Champ doesn’t come back into the ring. Emma taps out.

Good match, and I liked Becky’s smarts in stopping Charlotte coming back into the ring. Looking forward to the next title match. 3 Stars.

Roman Reigns is backstage with the Usos, and AJ Styles walks in. He tells Roman Reigns that, next time he gets a chance, he’s going to chair him into a concussion. And then tells Roman that he’ll be out there for the main event tonight. Roman seems chill with it, and I guess putting a guy through a table is a decent de-stress.

Darren Young is here with a really weird promo. I’m glad he’s alive and all, but this is just freaky. Oh, and Bob Backlund’s here, and he’s going to be Darren Young’s life coach. This whole thing is going to be a giant clusterfuck, but I’m pretty interested in seeing Backlund back.

This is just cruel

Zack Ryder is going to face Rusev. In other news, Santa Claus isn’t real and your pet didn’t go to live on a farm. You know, since we’re killing dreams and illusions. Rusev is the Number One Contender for the US Title, and after Kalisto’s work with Ryback, I’m down with that.

Zack starts off with a massive dropkick to knock Rusev down, and another. Rusev rolls out of the ring, then takes out Ryder when he follows him. Ryder shoves Rusev into the ringpost, and then another one. Holy shit: Ryder’s a fucking savage. And, literally as I type that, Rusev hits a bunch of kicks and then gutwrench suplexes the poor bastard twice. Accolade ends it.

It’s like someone punching a baby in the face. Both by how senselessly cruel this is, and the Zack Ryder put up about the same amount of resistance. 2 Stars.

Rusev has a huge fucking bump on his head, and he doesn’t seem to even notice. Suddenly, Kalisto rushes the ring, lacing Rusev with kicks, ducking a kick from Rusev and hitting a springboard corkscrew to knock the Bulgarian down before running away!

Honestly, Camp WWE looks pretty hilarious. Even the concept sounds amusing, and I’m taken in by how much they keep assuring us that there are parental controls on the WWE Network.

Oh yay: more Goldust and Fandango will-they-won’t-they bollocks. How is Tyler Breeze the least homoerotic thing about this segment? Also, I’m sort of into Breeze’s gimmick of ignoring everything in favour of staring at himself; he’s got to be the first guy to not even notice Goldust.

Was Roman just grown in a lab or something?

Here’s Gallows and Anderson, ready to take on the Usos. Roman and AJ are at ringside: let’s get it on.

Jey and Anderson start off against each other, with Jey scoring with a neckbreaker. Chops to Anderson, who reverses an Irish whip and almost gets pinned off a crucifix roll-up. Anderson knocks Jey down, and throws some hands to the Samoan. Dropkick catches Anderson however, and Jimmy tags in. Double chop and a double elbow to Anderson, getting two, and Jimmy keeps up the chops. Anderson is sent into the corner, but elevates Jimmy right out to the floor!

Reigns checks on Jimmy, and Anderson boots Roman in the head. Wow: I would not do that if someone paid me to do it. Reigns seems to think about it for one second, and then takes Anderson down: we’ve got a brawl and a DQ! Referees separate everyone, and Styles grabs a microphone, inserting himself and Roman into the match. Is that what’s happening now? DQs just don’t stick anymore?

When we come back from a break, it’s a six-man tag match. Reigns and Styles start off this time. Styles applies a headlock; Roman tries to power out, and shoots AJ off the ropes before taking him down. Crowd still hates Reigns, and he eats a boot from Styles. Kicks to Reigns, then a small package. Reigns blocks a sunset flip, trying to hit a Samoan Drop; AJ slides out, right into a right hand. Styles fights Roman back into his corner, tagging in Anderson.

Karl takes it to Roman, sending him into a corner. He runs into Reigns’ elbow, almost getting rolled up, and takes a big boot. Roman tags in Jimmy, who tags in Jey. Uppercut from Reigns to Anderson, getting two. Jey is driven into Anderson’s corner, and here’s Luke Gallows, putting a hurtin’ on Jey. Jey hits an uppercut, getting the blind tag, and Gallows eats a pair of forearms. Jimmy is put out on the apron, is distracted by Anderson, and eats a boot which puts his ass out on the floor.

Gallows whacks Jimmy’s head off the apron, sending him back into the ring. Anderson tags in, hitting a rocket kick to the face. Corner clothesline from AJ Styles, but he eats an enzuigiri from Jimmy! Jimmy tags in Roman; Styles tags in Anderson, and Anderson eats clotheslines! Flying clothesline from Reigns, and then a bunch more clotheslines in the corner! Uppercut to Styles on the apron, and another to Styles! Roman wants a Superman Punch, and catches Gallows with it! Styles hangs Roman up on the ropes, and Reigns almost gets rolled up by Anderson! One of the Usos throws himself through the ropes onto Gallows, and Anderson eats a Superman Punch! Reigns wants the spear, but Styles hits the forearm! Styles is dragged out of the ring, and Roman kicks out! Anderson hits the spinebuster, and Reigns still kicks out!

Holy fuck, Roman is being booked as inhuman, and I don’t even mind anymore. Anderson backs up to nail him again, and he gets broken in half by a spear! Roman gets the pin, and that’s the match!

Seriously enjoyed this: it was just wild out there. Roman’s characterisation is starting to grow on me a little: as long as he’s a badass, I don’t give a shit whether he’s good or bad. 4 Stars.

Roman and AJ end the show staring each other down. I’m pretty into this programme right now.

This was a fun show. Nothing much stupid happened, and there were a couple of moments I could enjoy and/or mark out for. All I ask, really. 8/10.

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