1. We kick off with a bunch of people in the ring about to battle for the number one contendership for the Intercontinetal Title. Shambolic but fun match with Darren Young picking up the win after putting in very little effort after Apollo Crews and Baron Corbin eliminate each other. Bob Backlund is happy.
2. Next up Shane and Steph are out to talk for a while, and that means it’s time to fast forward. A couple of still shots of Lesnar vs Hunt are meant to make us excited for Lesnar vs Orton, when we all know the Orton is held together with craft glue and pipe cleaners.
3. And now Shamus is taking on Zack Ryder in a rematch, and the Irishman is fired up! Despite this, Ryder dominates for most of a short match before Shamus hits the brogue kick for the win. Post match Rusev comes out and beats the crap out of Ryder, officially accepting his challenge for the US Title.
4. Hey, it’s Breezango, and they’re taking on the Lucha Dragons. There is a lot of green and purple in the ring as Breezango get the rare chance to play the power game while the Dragons do that flippy stuff that the kids like. Breeze picks up the pin on Kalisto after a superkick on the top rope. Not terrible, not great.
5. Seth talks in the ring. Seth talks to Roman. I fast forward. Ambrose comes out, and talks. Does anyone remember when wrestling feuds were advanced by actual wrestling?
6. Sami Zayn is escorted away from the commentary table before the Owens vs Cesaro match, and Zayn and KO brawl on the ramp. Good match between the indie veterans, with Cesaro borrowing JBL’s hat for a running uppercut. Owens hits an awesome Burning Hammer variation for the clean win. After the match Zayn comes out of nowhere to attack Owens, allowing Cesaro to hit a post match Cesaro swing.
7. Titus O’Neill is taking on Heath Slater and I don’t care. Titus wins. And now it’s time for an interview with Sasha Banks, who is about to get real. Unlike the next segment, which looks absolutely ridiculous.
8. In a rare moment of WWE trying to emulate TNA, the Wyatt Family are facing New Day in a Final Deletion ripoff. The camera work on this thing seems to be deliberately shitty, and Braun Strowman is not wearing a shirt, which is more disturbing than anything else on display here. New Day eventually get scared off by a bunch of teenagers with lanterns. Ooh, creepy.
9. And now for some actual wrestling, it’s The Club vs Enzo & Cass, with AJ Styles on the outside. Solid match as ever from Anderson and Gallows, while Enzo & Cass worked the match they always work, with Enzo taking punishment for ages and then Cass cleaning house like an athletic Kevin Nash. After AJ takes out Big Cass and the Club surround Enzo, John Cena makes the ‘surprise’ save and actually seems to have the crowd on his side. Okay, that’s new. Do Enzo and Cass really have enough charisma to get John Cena over with hardcore fans?
10. Sasha Banks demonstrates why she should have the belt around her waist as she takes on Dana Brooke, accompanied by Charlotte. Really good match with Banks picking up the submission victory with the Bank Statement. And our main event of the night is Shane, Steph and Vince talking for literally 20 minutes. FTS…
Tags: Cesaro, John Cena, Kevin Owens, sasha banks