The Fantasy Book on You Get a Title, You Get a Title, Everyone Gets a Title! (Eva Marie, Cesaro, Neville)

Hello. Apparently the WWE is still airing a couple weekly wrestling programs. Who knew? Since they are working so hard to put on an entertaining product, I might as well write about it.

I remember back in the day when there was a Raw brand and a Smackdown brand. The wrestlers were supposed to remain exclusively on their own brand but rarely did. And they gave out championship titles like they were candy. Or steroids. Whatever the boys in the back are taking these days.

But that was then and this is now. Raw is still slathered in red and Smackdown is all about the blue. But there are differences, I swear. Look, Smackdown now has another word beside it in the title – Smackdown Live. That is totally different. They also changed up the look of both shows, but it is going to take me a while to let those changes gestate in my head. This time they will definitely keep their wrestlers on their respective brands, right? Well, they did for one week. Of course, Randy Orton had to go and screw it all up. (Sorry, WWE, but I am still not interested in Brock Lesnar versus Randy Orton.)

But the title situation… surely that is different now. After the last time, they made a big deal about unifying the WWE World title, they merged the tag team titles, and even the United States title was retired for a couple years after the Intercontinental title anthropomorphized and kicked its ass in a wild backstage brawl (which was unfortunately never filmed).

*Side note – I just did a quick little search of United States Champions and their reigns. According to my massively lazy google search, the United States title has been vacant 20 times (21 if you count the years it was retired) since its inception in 1975. That is a lot! Does the belt have cooties or something? Nobody wants that thing!

So this time they would keep the number of titles manageable, right? I mean, they split the roster, but it is the same number of people they are employing. I am sure they would be smart and have the World Title, the Women’s Title, and the Tag Team Titles work both shows so that they could establish top contenders on each brand. And then they would have the US title and the Intercontinental title be the main championship on either brand on a week-to-week basis, further building up those belts in the eyes of the fans. That isn’t too hard to figure out, right?

Well, apparently it is. Because now Raw is adding something called a WWE Universal title to its brand. It is also bringing back the Cruiserweight title. And it owns the Women’s Title, the Tag Team Title, and the United States title. Meanwhile, Smackdown LIVE (see how that one word makes all the difference?) holds the Intercontinental title and the World title. I’m still not sure what the women wrestlers or the tag teams are supposed to care about on the blue brand, but chances are they’ll add more titles for them too.

In fact, let’s just do it now and get it out of the way.

Smackdown, go ahead and institute the Divas title and award it to Eva Marie. You know you want to. Trade Becky Lynch, Natalya, and Naomi to Raw for Summer Rae, Alicia Fox, and a Diva to be Named Later (which will be the non-retired-just-injured Bella twin). Have all the bra and panties matches you want over on Smackdown while the women on Raw tear down the house.

Smackdown, you have tag teams on your roster. Give them something to fight for and create a new title. Let’s call it the WWE Global Tag Team Titles. Have a four team tournament with the Vaudevillains, Breezeango, the Usos, and American Alpha. Make the final mach be the Usos versus American Alpha and have the Usos win after interference from The Ascension. Let American Alpha feud with The Ascension for a while and establish some goodwill with the fans before having them go back after the belts on the Usos. I guess Zack Ryder and Mojo Rawley could be another team thrown into the mix. That gives you a little over a year of feuds between those six teams if done correctly. Plus, the fans will start to argue who is better – the World or the Globe.

Smackdown, you really need to add some edge to your brand. No one really wants to watch you, so get a little gimmicky. Bring back the Hardcore Title, just to stick it to Raw’s GM, Mick Foley. Give the title to Baron Corbin, because why not? Let him feud with Rhyno or Kane for a bit over the belt. And resurrect the 24/7 gimmick. That was gold. Make sure every match ends with Corbin hitting someone with a lamp. Then change his nickname to the “Destroyer of Light.” Have Bray Wyatt offer him a spot in the Wyatt Family and then turn on him, beat him down, and fire him.

Raw, don’t worry though. Just because Smackdown resurrected the Hardcore title that doesn’t mean you can’t be Extreme! Bring back the ECW title and have an extreme battle royal where weapons of all sorts are allowed. Have Bubba Ray Dudley win the battle royal to get the belt then immediately have Neville challenge him and win. have Bubba Ray and D-Von do a little more singles work while still being a team (ala reDRagon in Ring of Honor), and have Neville willing to fight all comers.

But don’t be stingy Raw! You have superstars the world over on your brand. Let’s not be so xenophobic with our titles (I’m looking at you, United States title). Let’s bring back the European title! Let’s have a tournament where only non-Americans can enter. Bring your Sheamus, your Cesaro, your Sami Zayn, your Kevin Owens, your Finn Balor, your Chris Jericho, your Rusev, even your Jinder Mahal. This could become the most sought-after title on your brand. I think you put the belt on Cesaro at first and let everyone else come after him. That way, you will often get the best match on the card.

Smackdown, what’s wrong? Just because Raw has an extra hour doesn’t mean they should hog all the belts. Go ahead and show them you mean business. By … bringing back … umm … the Light Heavyweight title. Of course! Just hand it to Kalisto and wait to see if you can sign anyone long term from the Cruiserweight Challenge in NXT.

What about the Million Dollar Belt? We haven’t seen that since Ted DiBiase’s kid was carrying it around. Let’s bring it back and designate it the “technical” title. Do a triple threat match between AJ Styles, Dolph Ziggler, and Shelton Benjamin main event one of the Smackdown Live shows during sweeps week and watch the diamonds on the belt in full HD.

 

Okay, where would that leave us? On Raw we would have:

WWE Universal Champion – Probably Seth Rollins

WWE Tag Team Champions – The New Day

WWE United States Champion – Rusev

WWE Women’s Champion – Sasha Banks

WWE Cruiserweight Champion – Let Bo Dallas pull a full Chris Jericho-esque run with the belt, even bringing the bathroom scale into the equation.

WWE ECW Champion – Neville

WWE European Champion – Cesaro

 

And on Smackdown Live!, we would have:

WWE World Champion – Dean Ambrose

WWE Intercontinental Champion – The Miz

WWE Global Tag Team Champions – The Usos

WWE Diva’s Title – Eva Marie

WWE 24/7 Hardcore Title – Baron Corbin

WWE Light Heavyweight Title – Kalisto

WWE Million Dollar Belt – AJ Styles

 

How about that? Now you have 14 titles for your wrestlers to compete for. If someone can’t seem to beat the World Champion on Smackdown Live, let them go after the Million Dollar Belt. Or if you don’t think the Universal title is your speed (I mean, really, do you think you could beat The Monsterous Martian?), then limit your scope to the US or the European titles. Or something. I don’t know.

Hell, give everyone a title belt. Make it a challenge to see who can come up with the best name. The WWE Underworld Title (The Undertaker). The Pretty Title (Tyler Breeze). The Galaxy Title (John Cena, because he is bigger than the world or the universe). The Hell on Earth Title (Kane or Bray Wyatt). The Jobberific Title (Curtis Axel). The McMahon Appreciation Title (Triple H). The Big Title (Big Show). The Huge Title (Braun Strowman). The Giant Title (Mark Henry). The Maple Leaf Title (Chris Jericho). The Sax-o-mo-phone Title (Xavier Woods). The Participation Title (Alberto del Rio). The Overrated Title (Randy Orton). The Gag Reflex Title (Roman Reigns). And so on and so forth.

And you thought the Brand Extension was going to be a complete and utter failure.

Until next time…

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