Greetings. I apologize for not having a Fantasy Book column last week, but I am here with the Royal Rumble Fantasy Book for your reading pleasure.
Today, I will go through the entirety of the Royal Rumble match and book it (fantasy style) in a way that I, as a WWE viewer and wrestling fan, would like to see it go down. Will it happen this way? Of course not. But one can hope. If the Rumble match did play out the way I am writing it here, I think you will agree that the product would be so much the better.
One word of note first. I am basing this Fantasy Book on the wrestlers already scheduled to compete in the Royal Rumble match. The others included are purely hypothetical on my part. I have zero inside information to base anything. So don’t be surprised if one of my “surprise” entrants doesn’t show up but Gobbledy Gooker does. And off we go.
Entrant number one in the Royal Rumble would be … Dean Ambrose. The Intercontinental champion would be met in the ring by entrant #2, Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler and Ambrose would brawl in the ring and allow Ziggler to display some new heelish tendencies. Neither man would be able to get the other one out though. Then, at the beginning of the next entrant’s theme, Ambrose and Ziggler would make a pact to assist one another.
That entrant that can make Ziggler and Ambrose work together would be Braun Strowman. Strowman would get hit immediately by a flurry of offense from both Ziggler and Ambrose. The monster would shrug them off and nail Ziggler with a big boot. He would then catch Ambrose, who was attempting a cross-body block, and fling Ambrose far over the top rope and to the floor. The crowd would boo that one of their favorites was out, but it would continue to establish Strowman as a monster heel.
The next person to the ring would be Big Cass. Cass and Strowman would face off with Strowman getting the advantage. He would have the advantage until Dolph Ziggler clipped his leg from behind. Cass and Ziggler would work on eliminating Strowman until Ziggler would turn on Cass and try to dump him.
Number 5 would be Big Show. Show would toss Ziggler around at first and then stand nose-to-nose with Strowman. The two big men would trade a few blows but it would be broken up by Big Cass nailing Strowman from behind. Nothing much more would happen until entrant number six made his way to the ring – The Miz.
Miz and Cass would go at it with Cass gaining control. While this was happening, Strowman would rake Big Show’s eyes to stagger him back. Strowman would then grab Ziggler by the hair and lift him up. He would then throw Ziggler not only out of the ring, but into the crowd at ringside.
Entrant 7 would be the first surprise entrant – Shaquille O’Neil. Shaq would enter the ring and stare down Big Show just like last year. But in the middle of their staredown, Strowman would step in between the two men. All three men would trade smacks, slaps, and punches in order around their little circle. The Miz would wisely stay away from the three behemoths pounding away at each other.
The next entrant would be the second surprise entrant – James Ellsworth. Ellsworth would come down to a pop, see Strowman, Shaq, and Show all fighting and decide to take a shot at Strowman. Ellsworth would climb in the ring, sneak up behind Strowman, jump on his back and slap on a sleeper hold. This would pull Strowman back from the fray, freeing up the Shaq/Big Show battle. But Shaq would grab Show’s arm when he was attempting a knock out punch and Irish Whip him towards the ropes. That would be right where The Miz was positioned though, and Miz would pull down the top rope to low-bridge Show and dump him from the match.
Miz would then go over to Shaq and congratulate him, trying to ingratiate himself to the big man. Shaq would listen to him for a little while and then just grab him by the throat and push him over the top rope. Big Cass would then wake up, tap Shaq on the shoulder and start going at it with the basketball star. Shaq and Cass would struggle over to the corner, trying to eliminate each other.
The ninth entrant would then make his way to the ring accompanied by his wife and manager, Lana. Rusev would go right after Big Cass. As Rusev attacked in the corner, Ellsworth would get thrown off Strowman. The next 45 seconds would see Strowman just crushing Ellsworth and lifting him above his head. The tenth entrant would come down and Strowman would throw Ellsworth right out of the ring at him. That tenth entrant would be Chris Jericho. Jericho would just sidestep a flying Ellsworth and then put him on the List of Jericho for trying to land on him.
Jericho would try to start a partnership with Strowman, but would eventually back off when Strowman threatened him. Strowman would then turn to Shaq and almost dump him. Shaq would be hung up on the top rope and Jericho would sneak behind and try to dump both Strowman and Shaq. Only Shaq would go out though, and Strowman would start stalking Jericho.
As Cass and Rusev continue to battle and Strowman stalks Jericho, the timer will go off and the lights will go out. Number 11 will be another surprise entrant – Kane! Kane will go right after Braun Strowman while Jericho will slide over to help Rusev with Big Cass. Rusev will throw Cass over the top rope, but he will land on the ring apron. Jericho will then hit his springboard dropkick to knock Cass to the floor.
Number 12 will hit and it will be Xavier Woods. Woods and Jericho will start to fight and Rusev will go over to attack Kane and Strowman. No one will be tossed until Entrant #13 charges the ring. Number 13 is another surprise entrant, and member of the 2017 Hall of Fame class, Kurt Angle. Angle lays into everyone in the ring and plays to the crowd before Rusev blindsides him. Rusev is in a rage at this point and becomes focused on Angle. Now 3/4 of the ring are involved in one-on-one battles, dividing between Rusev and Angle, Kane and Strowman, and Jericho and Woods.
The next entrant’s music hits and it is Sami Zayn. Zayn looks around at the three brawls going on and just sits in the middle of the ring smiling. With 10 seconds before the mid-way entrant hit the ring, Zayn went over and assisted Kane with Strowman.
With entrant number 15, we have reached the midway point of the Rumble. Number 15 is The Undertaker! Taker comes in and immediately dumps Y2J and Xavier Woods to the outside. He then grabs Rusev and hits a Last Ride Powerbomb on him in the middle of the ring, which makes everyone else bounce and stop to gawk at The Undertaker. Kurt Angle then goes up to Taker and says it is good to see him and extends his hand. Taker just wallops him in the face and charges Strowman who has broken free from Kane and Zayn. Taker hits Strowman with a clothesline and both men tumble over the top rope to the floor. A very short entry for Taker in this Rumble, but a huge highlight of the powerbomb to Rusev and he took out a previously unstoppable Strowman.
This leaves Kane and Zayn and Angle and Rusev in the ring. Zayn goes over to pick up Rusev and Angle tells him he’s got it. Angle then picks up Rusev and hits an Angle Slam to toss Rusev over the top rope. As soon as Rusev is thrown outside, Kane goes after Angle because Kane has elephant blood and never forgets.
Number 16 comes out and it is Sheamus. Sheamus and Sami Zayn do battle and no one is eliminated. Number 17 comes out and it is Luke Harper. Harper and Sheamus start fighting and create a number of interesting sequences together.
Number 18 is used by another surprise entrant – Shane McMahon. There would be a show-long storyline playing out where Shane would be determined to enter the Rumble dispute objections by Daniel Bryan, Mick Foley, and even Stephanie McMahon. After Shane’s vicious concussion at Survivor Series, everyone tries to talk him out of putting himself in harm’s way. In fact, those other authority figures walk to the ring with Shane, continuing to try to talk him out of entering the match. But Shane is stubborn and gets in the ring.
Immediately, Kane punches Shane and goes for a chokeslam. Shane fights out of it and starts hitting Kane with a flurry of right hands. But that is cut off by Sami Zayn who tries to throw Kane out, but is unsuccessful. Shane then turns to Kurt Angle and goes after him. Meanwhile, Sheamus and Luke Harper are putting on a good show on the other side of the ring.
Next up is Randy Orton who surprisingly assists Luke Harper in attacking Sheamus. The two members of the Wyatt family beat down Sheamus as the ring is getting filled up again.
Number 20 is Cesaro who comes to the aid of his tag team partner. This chaos is entrancing the crowd a bit until the clock runs down and number 21 comes out. Number 21 is the beast, Brock Lesnar!
Lesnar gets into the ring and immediately tosses Kane. He then clotheslines Kurt Angle over the top to the floor. Shane McMahon decides that now is his best chance to get revenge on Lesnar from something that happened almost a year ago (which I honestly don’t remember and don’t care enough about to go back and check on) and jumps him from behind. Lesnar shrugs off Shane’s attack, lifts him up and hits an F5 on the Smackdown Live! figurehead. Lesnar then tosses Shane while the next entrant comes down the ramp.
That next wrestler is another surprise entrant, here to promote his upcoming movie, Batista! Batista gets in the ring and gets right up in Lesnar’s face. The two men are just screaming at each other before Batista turns and levels Sami Zayn out of nowhere with a clothesline. Lesnar just laughs as Batista tosses Zayn out of the ring to huge boos. As Lesnar is still chuckling, Cesaro steps right up to him and the crowd goes nuts. Lesnar actually takes a step backwards from Cesaro and bumps right into Sheamus who came up from the other side. As this is going down, Randy Orton signals for Batista to come over and help him eliminate his Wyatt Family brother, Luke Harper. But it is a swerve and Orton hits Batista with an RKO. Harper and Orton then charge Cesaro and Sheamus again before they can really get into it with Lesnar.
The 23rd entrant comes down to the ring now and the crowd goes nuts. That is because number 23 is Goldberg. With Lesnar freed up, he and Goldberg start laying into each other in the middle of the ring. The two men spend the next minute doing nothing but pummeling each other.
Batista starts to come to as entrant #24 comes down to the ring. That person is Big E. Big E tries to dump the weakened Batista, but can’t do it. So he goes after Lesnar. Goldberg is apparently offended by Big E’s assistance, and he attacks Big E. Goldberg and Lesnar both take down Big E so they can continue their battle. Although, Sheamus gets tossed into the two-man battle and goes after Lesnar.
Entrant #25 is another surprise entrant, the former United States Champion Kalisto. However, when Kalisto enters the ring he immediately gets speared by Goldberg. Goldberg just leaves Kalisto laying in a heap and goes back after Brock Lesnar.
Number 26 is Baron Corbin who takes the opportunity to toss the broken Kalisto to the floor. Corbin then charges Sheamus and dumps him over to large jeers from the crowd. As we pan around the ring, we see Goldberg and Lesnar still going at it, Harper and Orton bring their attack back to Sheamus and almost have him out. Batista and Big E are also fighting in a corner of the ring.
Number 27 is another surprise entrant. As his music hits the crowd goes nuts, and Samoa Joe makes his way to the ring. Joe dodges a Batista clothesline and sends him out of the ring. Big E would then go after Joe, but Joe would reverse an attempt to throw him out and send Big E over the top rope. But Big E would land on the ring apron. Randy Orton would catch Big E coming back in though and hit a draping DDT. Meanwhile, Joe would grab Lesnar and throw him out of the ring to massive cheers and shock on everyone’s face.
Kofi Kingston is in next and he jumps over Orton and hits a spin kick to Harper. Kofi then clips Sheamus, knocking him down, but gets hit with a Goldberg spear when he turns around. Goldberg then picks up Kofi and jackhammers him because, why not?
Number 29 is Bray Wyatt and we have all three members of the Wyatt Family in the ring. There is a little bit of teased tension between the family members, but then all three of them grab Sheamus and toss him over the top to the floor. A fight between Goldberg and Bray Wyatt is teased before Orton and Harper attack Goldberg. Meanwhile, Baron Corbin breaks away from Samoa Joe and is able to clothesline Big E to the floor.
The final buzzer hits and the last entrant charges the ring in the form of Mojo Rawley. Rawley goes after Randy Orton, but Luke Harper beats him down and tosses him. The Wyatt Family regroups and triple team Kofi Kingston. Goldberg and Corbin are fighting for leverage in the corner and Goldberg looks to be completely blown up at this point. As Kofi bounces off the ropes and flips over the Wyatts, Samoa Joe nails Orton with a couple wicked forearms and then just shoves him out over the top.
Bray Wyatt spins Joe around and the two men stare each other down. As they are staring at each other, Goldberg ties up Corbin in the ropes, and then double clotheslines Harper and Kingston over the top and out.
At this point, Joe and Wyatt back up a bit as the final four size each other up. Baron Corbin, Goldberg, Bray Wyatt, and Samoa Joe all look at each other from separate corners. Suddenly, all four men charge to the center of the ring and punches are being thrown wildly. Bray Wyatt is able to pull himself and Goldberg out of the cluster and Wyatt hits Sister Abigail on Goldberg. Corbin then hits a surprising Deep Six on Samoa Joe. Corbin gets up and he and Wyatt lock a gaze. Wyatt tells Corbin to help him and both men throw Goldberg out of the ring and the crowd boos viciously.
As Corbin gloats towards Goldberg on the floor, Bray Wyatt turns on Corbin and throws him out over the top. Corbin is livid and accidentally walks into a spear by Goldberg outside the ring.
Inside the ring, Wyatt goes over to pick up Joe, and Joe reverses and slams Wyatt then hits a huge senton. Wyatt and Joe spend a few minutes just bombing each other with big shots, turning the end of the Rumble into a pretty good one-on-one matchup. Eventually, Wyatt knocks Joe into the corner and he does his spider-walk thing. Joe steps up and just stomps on Wyatt’s face, stopping that foolishness. Joe then picks up Wyatt, hits an enziguri to the back of Wyatt’s head (in homage to Bad News Brown?) and tosses Wyatt over the top to win the Royal Rumble in his debut match on the WWE main rosters.
The question remains now is where will Samoa Joe wind up? Will he challenge Kevin Owens for the WWE Universal title or AJ Styles for the WWE World Heavyweight title? We will engage in a number of things in the upcoming weeks here at the Fantasy Book so we can set up a Wrestlemania everyone will want to see.
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment if there are any parts of this fantasy-booked Rumble which particularly appealed to you or you didn’t care for. Or comment whatever you wish. Or don’t. It’s your life.
Until next week, as we pull our old jalopy out onto the Road to Wrestlemania, peace.
Tags: Baron Corbin, Batista, Big Cass, Big E, Big Show, Braun Strowman, Bray Wyatt, Brock Lesnar, Cesaro, Chris Jericho, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, goldberg, James Ellsworth, Kalisto, Kane, Kofi Kingston, Kurt Angle, Luke Harper, Mojo Rawley, Randy Orton, rusev, sami zayn, Samoa Joe, Shane McMahon, Shaquille O'Neal, Sheamus, The Miz, undertaker, xavier woods