7 Things Longer Than The Time It’s Taken For Emmalina To Debut
Since October 3rd, the powers that be in WWE have been teasing us relentlessly with Emmalina vignettes. Displaying sensuous images of the talented Aussie has had both Corey Graves and I chomping at the bit for her supposedly imminent arrival, but every week, the ache grows ever duller. For four long months, the former dance partner of Santino Marella has remained decisively off our screens. Supposedly, Emmalina was originally intended to re-debut in December, with a Raw vignette specifically telling us that was the case. Alas, it was not to be, and still we wait. There’s always the potential that WWE could be pulling a cruel rib, just as they did with Brodus Clay. They could be intentionally attempting to generate heat. Hell, she might never even debut as Emmalina, which would feel like some sort of metaphoric castration. Either way, surely there’s nothing in WWE that’s ever taken this much time…? Oh wait, there is.
The Build To Wrestlemania XVIII
In a move unusual for WWE because it involved significant advanced planning, the main event of Wrestlemania 28 was set nearly a year beforehand. The Rock vs John Cena was billed as ‘Once In A Lifetime’, which, with the advantageous use of hindsight, was ridiculous. With The Rock being mostly absent on WWE programming due to his commitments of being an awesome hero legend elsewhere, the build was drawn out to a degree even further than the nth. And that’s long. When The Rock did squeeze in time for the WWE Universe, the heated feud was remarkably entertaining, and Cena doesn’t often get enough credit for repeatedly besting and even at times, bewildering, The People’s Champ on the microphone on numerous occasions.
Sting Coming To WWE
Sting was the last real star to have never set foot in WWE. The Icon came close to putting pen to paper in both 2003 and 2011, but it took until 2014 for him to actually set foot in a WWE ring. He was 55. Fifty Five. No-one can go at 55. Had The Stinger jumped ship from WCW during the Attitude Era, or joined when his contract with Time Warner expired as many others did, we could’ve been treated to the Undertaker match we’ve always dreamed of. Instead, it took so long for Mr Borden to arrive that when it happened, it was all just a bit too late.
Women Being Accepted As Superstars
The Diva’s Title was flat out bullshit from the very beginning, but even before the derogatory butterfly belt fluttered into existence, so many of the women’s wrestlers were glorified models used solely to attract ogling male eyes to a non PG product. For a hideously long time, WWE essentially ignored the fact that there were female athletes who could perform just as well as their male counterparts, even when those athletes were right under their noses. Now though, times haves thankfully changed and the women are rightfully coined as Superstars. Maybe one day the Cruiserweights will be given the same dignity.
With the pre-show, Wrestlemania lasted 7 hours. One show lasted 7 entire hours. Now I love wrestling. You love wrestling. If you don’t, and you’re reading this, you’re either a family member of mine of you’re very, very lost. Despite our love, 7 hours is insane. That’s almost as long as the amount of time I’m actually awake during a day. I mean it’s not, but with 12 matches, plus Takeover and the Hall Of Fame, it was so long that friends considered putting out a missing persons for me during that weekend.
Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole At Wrestlemania 27
A journalist turned commentator against one of the greatest of all time at the biggest wrestling event of the year. Everyone wanted to see Cole pummelled so hard that they’d still be looking for pieces of him at Wrestlemania 37. Yet somehow, this match went on for 13 gruelling minutes, with a whole bunch of pre and post shenanigans that tolled everything up to the 30 minute mark. It felt like the watching the entire Cretaceous Period go by. Building Cole as anything close to a credible threat was ludicrous, and the image of him attempting to work Lawler’s leg is burned horrifically into my retinas.
The Anonymous Raw GM
Pretty sure this gimmick began when the WWE was still the Capitol Wrestling Corporation. Whenever I hear the bing noise of a nearby iPhone my balls disappear inside me so deep I can taste them, and we all had to endure this abominable idea for so long that most people have blanked out the memory of Hornswoggle being behind the whole thing. Unacceptable.
There is nothing longer, possibly in the entire universe, than The Phenom’s entrance. Now obviously, this is only when he enters from the stage, and not when he appears in the middle of the ring after a gong and a blackout. Because magic. When the gong hits and the smoke fills the arena, time slows to a cryptic halt. It takes about 2 years for The Deadman to even begin his amble into the arena, and when he does finally show himself, he stops for another 6 months atop the stage. He then moves to the ring like a sloth in slow motion, and by the time you wake up from your coma, he’s just about removing his hat and rolling his eyes. They say the Undertaker has reigned in WWE for a quarter of a century, but at least 23 of those years were spent just walking to the ring. Bring back the American Badass and his bike, immediately.
Tags: Anonymous GM, Break The Walls Down, emma, Emmalina, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, Sting, undertaker