Goldberg starts the show and says that KO did what he does best – talk and talk and talk. He says he’s never made a promise he didn’t follow through on and on Sunday, he’s winning the title. KO says that before he came to WWE, he told his family he’d grab the company by the throat and show them what he’s about – and he did that by beating Cena on his first night in. KO brags about beating Dean, Cena, AJ, and Seth before bragging about taking out Jericho. Goldberg wants a fight and KO says fine, they’ll have a Green Bay Street Fight…nah, they don’t deserve it. New Day prepares for a match by shaking their asses and putting shirts on people – as ya do.
New Day cuts a long promo about ice cream and “taking the shine out of the shining stars”. Then a stagehand reveals that they were given the wrong envelope, as the stars face Show later. So this is their way to referencing the Oscars bit. This. Really. They’ll face Rusev and Jinder. Rusev and Jinder look like a before and after steroids photo. Not much happens before the break and a post-break front facelock mixes things up slightly. This isn’t a bad match – but it is completely devoid of anything good or interesting. Woods gets a distraction rollup win over Jinder. Wow is this a waste of everyone in this outside of Jinder. Rusev and Jinder argue – so maybe there’s a WM pre-show match.
Recap of Enzo and Cass winning last week. Enzo is an annoying little shit and he’s so annoying that even Cass is tired of him. Cesaro and Sheamus insult Enzo and Cass before Joe comes in and says it’s good to see Cesaro, but he still can’t figure things out. Joe says that he’s wearing the brass ring Cesaro talks about. Stephanie buries the stagehand from before and then Mick waves to her wearing some bizarre and ungodly-bad purple shirt. Steph tells Mick that she is sorry…for giving him this job because he can barely even stand anymore and as he gets weaker year after year, while her husband gets stronger and stronger. No one ever sacrifice your body or health for anything, because you could wind up like Mick – crippled up and having to deal with this kind of verbal abuse knowing you can’t fight back. This was just depressing.
Tozawa comes out while we hear from Kendrick earlier today about being rejected by Tozawa. I like the idea of this Kendrick promo…outside of the “let’s keep it simple” approach being negated by Kendrick cutting himself off mid-sentence to go to clips being voiced over by four people. Tozawa faces Noam Dar and kicks his face off to start. Dar lands a big forearm before eating chops. Alicia screeches, distracting Tozawa giving Dar a chance to knock him off the buckle. Tozawa stops short a bit on a rana, but saved it and hits the torpedo dive. Snap German ends it. Aries says he has a big scoop and then Kendrick beats up Tozawa. Kendrick says this was another lesson. Kendrick’s promo style simply doesn’t work with a live mic in front of a crowd. It’s great with Big Zeke in the background reading Dr. Seuss though.
Joe and Mick chat and Mick says he hasn’t had a good seven months. Mick says that 13 years ago, he was Joe’s biggest fan and now he just sees HHH’s puppet. Foley make Joe vs. Cesaro, which should be good. Charlotte and Dana come out to face Bayley and Sasha. Why are they doing Person X With Person Y for tag match graphics? They did it for the opener and they’re doing it now and it’s just odd. Charlotte cuts a stilted promo. She thought. That Bayley was. The happy, hugging. Role Model.
Charlotte calls Bayley a one hit wonder and compares her to Vanilla Ice, Buster Douglas, and the cast of Twilight. Well, that was awful and it’s leading to Bayley coming out for some back and forth. This has worse acting than This Ain’t the Montreal Screwjob: The XXX Parody. Sasha comes out to, of course, talk some more. “Stupid face” was used as an insult in 2017 outside of a gradeschool classroom. “I don’t know why we’re still talking, don’t we have a tag team match?” Charlotte makes Nia her partner instead of Dana – doesn’t Nia want the title that Charlotte wants? This makes sense to have Nia beat up Bayley, but doesn’t fit the character. This went on for-freaking-ever.
Nia bullies Sasha to start before doing the same to Bayley. Bayley recovers and gets some corner-mounted punches. Charlotte tags in and chops away. Dana eats a belly to Bayley on the floor and we get a break. Nia misses an avalanche and gets overhand chopped. Charlotte face gets sliced up a bit somehow and Charlotte locks on a figure four necklock. Nis hits the big leg on Bayley to win. Wow was everything about this whole thing terrible. Mick sadly tells Braun that he can’t give him competition. Braun says he doesn’t want competition – he wants a contract. Braun a week ago – I WANT TO KICK ASS. Braun now – I DON’T WANT TO KICK ASS, I WANT TO SIGN A LEGALLY BINDING PIECE OF PAPER. Cass vs. Gallows is next.
Cass hits a big corner charge and a sideslam. Karl bullies Enzo, but Cass isn’t distracted and wins with a big boot. That got the show a couple minutes closer to the grave before the announcers plug the PPV. We see Titus come out so he can face Sheamus, who he insulted by wanting to be his partner after Cesaro gets beaten up by Joe. Lots of clubbering before the match and then Sheamus kicks his head off.
Corey comes out to throw to a Seth-HHH video package. Seth comes out with a crutch and a giant knee brace. I’m astonished he didn’t come out with his leg mummified to further the swerve. Yeah. Give the guy with a bad knee a giant chair to climb into. Great move. Seth’s acting here might be even worse than Charlotte’s. Well, his delivery is better I suppose. Seth says maybe he deserved this because of what he gave up to win the WWE Title at WM two years ago. A giant CM Punk chant breaks out. It stops so a boring chant can break out.
HHH comes down smiling and gets a nice pop. HHH tells the whiny, moaning bitch to man up and own his shit. Of course! Seth tells him that he’ll be at WM and if it’s the last thing he does, it’ll be the last thing HHH does. Seth stews and the arrogant heels leave. Well, this was an abject failure. An ad for the Jetsons-WWE movie airs before the Shining Stars come out to get killed by Big Show. Show punches one of them to make him DDT the other, and then chokeslams the other guy to win. Byron, WWE’s voice of black America, hypes up an MLK Jr. video package. Vince loves MLK, but it’s amazing how once again, only black wrestlers are being used in these videos.
Neville chats with Tony Nese about their tag match against Gallagher and TJP tonight. Austin Aries narrates his own hype video. Well, that was cool. “Did you like my package? IT WAS MASSIVE, WASN’T IT!?” Aries stole the show with that line. Gallagher wins in two minutes tapping Nese out to a wacky armbar. Beth Phoenix HOF video. We see her eliminate Khali from the Rumble while Nattie talks about being inspired by her.
Bayley and Sasha have one of those friendly conversations you always have where you aren’t facing a friend and meticulously recap every event they went through tonight. Steph makes Sasha face Nia at the PPV. Cesaro comes out to face Joe, who is intense and they brawl a bit to start. Cesaro deadlift gutwrenches Joe before uppercutting him. Cesaro hits a crossbody off the top and favors the knee. Joe drives the knee down in a unique way before an ad break. Cesaro suplexes him after the break, but Joe gets a kneebar. Cesaro tries a sharpshooter, but Joe jabs his way out. ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE GETS 2! Joe almost eats the swing, but instead gets double stomped.
Joe attacks the knee, hits the uranage and wins. Charly asks WWE Words and Joe says he came here to hurt people and he has done that tonight. He says this was a message to the roster – he will destroy you. Joe’s Raw promos have been outstanding and this was no different. Sami jumps the guy who just wrestled, like a coward. Sami jumps off the stage, but eats a cheapshot and they’re properly separated. Cole awkwardly plugs the Network and Corey says that if you sign up on Thursday or after, you’ll get both Fastlane and WrestleMania. Wow, they think their audience is so stupid that they actively have to tell you on TV how to best exploit the time to sign up.
Sami vs. Joe is made for Fastlane and we get a card rundown for the PPV. Mick is mid-ring and man has he aged a lot in a few weeks. He looks like he’s in pure agony. Braun tells him to leave and Mick says that his days may be numbered, but until that time is over, he is to be respect. Braun tells him that Stephanie was right – he’s pathetic. Mick says he’s tired of being direspected and he’ll be respected as a legend – GMs come and go, but legends live on forever. Roman and Braun brawl and Roman gets bearhug slammed into the post. They fight into the tech area and Roman spears him through a barricade. Roman gets tossed into the buckle and it goes flying. Roman signs the contract and Braun leaves. This show was dreadful.