WWE Raw 5/1/17 Recap – Seth vs. Miz vs. Balor Main Event

“AFTER AN EXTRAORDINARY PAYBACK PAY-PER-VIEW…” so within a minute, this show is already high on the bullshit-o-meter. The Raw women are mid-ring so Alexa Bliss can be coronated as champion. Bayley pouting in the corner is hilarious. Alexa says that she is the first-ever goddess of WWE. Alexa thanks Mickie for being an inspiration to her and that’s why she wanted her back and calls her old. Alexa lets Sasha know that she can call her champion – or “the one who beat you”. Alexa praises Nia, as she should. Alexa on her little podium makes her a solid five foot six. There’s a great moment where the crowd chants “Bayley” and Alexa says “Yeah, I know her name – THAT’S WHY I’M THANKING HER!” Bayley’s family is mocked, so Bayley beats up Alexa before a break.

After the break, an eight person tag is on – replacing the two on two tag. Emma and Mickie go at it for a bit before tagging out. OH THANK GOD, Alicia and Dana Brooke share a ring once again. Not a whole lot goes on before they argue and bicker on the floor. I hope we get a post-break chinlock after the argument. YES! Alicia has Sasha in one! Alexa runs wild on her before Bayley tags in and beats up Alexa. Everyone does stuff before Alicia flails around wildly. Alexa rakes Bayley’s eyes and hits the snap DDT to win. We see Roman kick Braun’s ass after Payback.

Enzo comes out to face Luke, and he says he’s gonna beat big L in Sacramento. The Club jumps them and we go to a break. Back to live action, and Luke boots him in the jaw. Long hammerlock by Luke. Yeah. Have him mat wrestle for a while. Luke locks on an armbar and attacks the arm some more. Enzo gets his punches in before getting a small package for 2. Karl distracts Enzo and Luke wins it. TJP acts all goofy with Neville saying that Aries proved that he was on the Neville level. Boy is TJ bad at delivering these scripts, before Neville says that the ref was out of position and prevented him from solving their Austin Aries problem. After several agonizing minutes, Neville says that TJ will face Aries tonight and if he wins, he’ll put in a good word for him to get a title shot and NOT AT ALL USE THAT AS LEVERAGE AND LIE TO HIM. Nope. Not a chance. Also, Seth is up next to chat.

Seth talks about the fans being with him through everything. It’s so odd to have him be a true babyface now. He says that he wants Brock and he wants to go to Suplex City. This brings out Balor, who talks about Seth being the one legged man who won at WM, while he was the one-armed man who won the Universal Title. So why are the top babyface cutting a promo about how banged up they are? Dean comes down because…I guess he feels as IC Champion, he’s a top guy. He says that Brock doesn’t fight often, but if they want a title, his title is the top title on Raw. Miz rightfully calls Dean am embarrassment as champion.

Balor talks about how Miz joined the Balor kicked my ass club and Miz says it was a cheap shot and then he owns Dean by saying that he didn’t even warrant being on the card last night. Miz mocks Seth for being gimpy and Seth says he can run circles around him. Miz says it’s not a running ring – he’ll beat anyone up in the WWE ring. Dean takes a poll and says everyone wants to beat up Miz, so Dean calls Kurt and makes a match. Miz vs. Balor vs. Seth happens to determine who faces Dean for the IC Title. A long Braun-Roman video package airs.

Tony Nese comes down to team with Kendrick and Noam Dar to face Swann, Tozawa, and Gallagher. Jack hands them all umbrellas. “This is what 205 Live is all about!”. Nese dominates Tozawa to start. Nese gets a torture rack, but Tozawa clubs his head and then tags Swann in. Dar is in for a side headlock. AN EXCITING CRUISERWEIGHT SIDE HEADLOCK. Nese gets tossed outside onto his partners for an ad break. After the break, Kendrick has an exciting post-break necklock on Tozawa. Swann comes in to speed things up with a crazy flipping fameasser and a splashing version of the rolling thunder. Kendricks locks Jack in the hook, but Tozawa saves with a shining wizard. Jack’s corner dropkick wins it. The commentators joke about umbrellas, with Cole asking Booker what Stevie Ray and GI Bro would do with one.

Sheamus is shown kicking Jeff’s tooth out before the finish is shown and then the heel turn by Sheamus and Cesaro. They are shown walking backstage in new, awesome bomber jackets. They walk out in said jackets and their kilts and man are they awesome. Corey compares Sheamus to Travis Bickle, so Cole does a callback to the WM 21 vignettes by saying “you talking to me?”. Sheamus says he never liked the fans, but Cesaro always had the Cesaro Section. He says the Hardys stole their moment, and a “Delete” chant is noted as “cute” by him. Sheamus trips over his words a bit.

The Hardys come down and thank them for the explanation. He says that they’re hurting and trips over his words. Boy is Matt not good at reciting scripts. The heels retreat. Charly talks with WWE Words to The Miz about. His history. With his. Opponents. And then. Miz. Responds with. Other Words. Dean asks him if his hair gel gets in his eyes during matches and throws to “Gene and Bobby at ringside”.

Heath’s tron being trailers and kids amuses me. Crews talks to Heath about his seven kids before Titus interrupts and mocks Rhyno for eating crackers. I would rather watch Rhyno get paid six figures to eat cheese and crackers than watch this match. Apollo faces Heath in a nothing match. Crews hits the enzuiguri and wins with the torture rack bomb. Titus goes to take a photo with Crews before Rhyno photobombs him. Okay, that was great.

Kurt comes down for a health update on Roman. Roman has internal injuries and Braun tore his rotator cuff. He says he isn’t sure how to deal with it, and then Bray comes down. Cole, to add to this serious situation, talks about how a fridge was dropped on Randy Orton. Bray tells Kurt that he’s not here to hurt him – HE’S A SAVIOR. Bray talks about chapters and rambles for a bit before telling Kurt to walk by his side. And then Bray threatens him and disappears.

Dean interviews Seth, and pitches The Daily Show and The Today Show. Seth and Dean have zero chemistry in this despite BEING INCREDIBLE AS A TEAM. Dean pitches to Gorilla, while Cole calls Dean Sean Mooney. Aries is out for the cruiserweight death slot match. TJ’s theme and tron are great – but don’t suit him as a heel. TJ works on the knee in a tree of woe. TJ has a butterfly lock on before Booker randomly congratulates Cole for beating King and JR in a country whipping match. Booker says he doesn’t like guys smiling and hates Rich Swann, despite liking him earlier.  TJ locks on a half crab on the ropes. Aries recovers and hits the suicide dive. Aries hits a diving elbow for 2 Aries counters the detonation kick into the last chancery and wins. TJ beats him up and locks on the kneebar.

Finn walks backstage, and Dean interviews him. He tells him to eat a carb and then the Drifter plays guitar for a bit. Kurt tells the Golden Truth that their win/loss record doesn’t warrant a tag title shot. Goldust says that Kurt coming back has inspired them and they want a chance to prove that they can be great again. Wow, a nice, simple narrative that makes you care about the characters. AMAZING! Kurt puts them in tag team turmoil next week. Kurt is shown sending Chris off on Facebook.

Balor comes down, followed by Miz, then Seth. Miz has Seth and Finn go at it before they turn the tables on Miz. Miz uses Maryse as a shield! Seth hits a cross body to Balor, who eats a knee to the face. They run off WWE Facts about the IC Title. Booker’s one month IC Title reign really put him on the map…after FIVE WORLD TITLES. Miz eats the Pele before an inverted 1916 hits Seth for 2. Miz attacks the knee in the corner before a figure four leads to a save by Balor. Kneeling superkick gets 2 for Seth on Finn. Cole says Maryse is offering Miz verbal aid – shame Cole didn’t say she was offering oral assistance. Seth sorta hits a double blockbuster and a frog splash gets 2. Joe hits a uranage on Seth on the floor, but Balor hits a slingblade and a corner dropkick. He goes for the footstomp, but Bray throws him off, hits sister abigail, and Miz wins it.

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