Wrestling Opinions from A Sleazy Guy 5.6.2017
Impact Wrestling Review
By Sebastian Howard
Okay, first things first, lets talk about me because its MY column. Still having no luck on the job search but I did find out about this Labor Finders near me. Basically what it is labor source deal where you go in, sign up and they find you work. You have to go in pretty early to find jobs most of the time (you have to get there around 6:30 am) but you do end up getting a job for the day (or possibly longer depending on the work ticket). I went in on Monday and ended up getting labor for seven hours, putting stakes in ditches and covering it with dirt. It really wasn’t that bad though the place we were working at had NO goddamn water so me and the other two workers from Labor Finder were dying of dehydration. Labor is very basic, stupid work and you’re not getting paid that much most of the time but it was nice to go out and do something and make some damn money for the first time in a while. And well, you end up feeling pretty manly, I mean who else on this site even DOES any kind of manual labor at all?
So we worked for seven hours but got paid for nine which was pretty sweet and after taxes I came out with 65 bucks for the day. The only problem I had doing the work was that I haven’t done any manual labor since 2014 when I used to have to mow lawns and do handy man jobs with my Dad over in Wenatchee. So basically my body just isn’t used to it and I ended up with a BADASS sunburn on my neck that is STILL healing. The good news is that I have another job lined up for Saturday, which pays 10 bucks an hour (minimum wage in FL is about 8.25, I was only making 9.50 stocking at Walmart so 10 bucks an hour is pretty good for labor) taking down stages at Sunfest from 11 pm to 9 am. I definitely like that its at nighttime too as my neck won’t really get affected. Back to Monday though and this is why I didn’t write a column up, I had already been up for 24 hours plus at this point but instead of going to sleep I decided to go buy some Jack Daniels and 15 bag of weed and watched Raw with friends while completely fucked off. The next day I was completely hung over (I finished the bottle of course) and didn’t feel like writing SHIT. I didn’t really have any plans to write anything this week but I decided to record this Thursday’s Impact as I haven’t seen an episode since the show was on Spike back in 2014 and I just switched from Comcast to ATT and not only do I now have access to Impact and ROH but I can also record the episodes. I still wasn’t planning on writing anything though but I started watching TN… err Impact and this show was so off the wall batshit crazy that I got that itch to write about it. So lets get to it…
Impact 5.4.17 Review
We start off with a video package showing the rivalry between Josh Matthews and JB. I don’t really care about the story but I will say this, Josh Matthews with this heel push has personality for the first time in his entire career and this story is a lot more tolerable than Cole/Lawler. Also, Matthews, while obnoxious, is nowhere near obnoxious as Cole as a heel. I’m so serious, try watching ANYTHING from early-mid 2011 and tell me you don’t want to just kill Cole. I was watching Extreme Rules 2011 the other day on the Network and Cole had his own fucking plexiglass box and was comparing himself to Batman because he wrestled and commentated in the same night. As a huge Batman fan I was so goddamn pissed.
First match of the night was Matt Sydal against Eddie Edwards with Alicia Edwards. Now THIS is how you catch my interest, just straight up GOOD wrestling to start the show. Edwards was trying to keep Sydal grounded with wrestling and submission holds while Sydal was trying to fly around. Sydal caught Edwards with a knee to the face (pretty much the thing that Rollins has as his finisher right now) and hit him with the shooting star press for the win. Again, great match and according to other reviewers the best Impact match in months. I’d give it 4.0/5.0
After the match Sydal and Edwards shake hands but as Edwards and Alicia were leaving they were attacked by Davey Richards and Angelina Love. Richards fucked up Edwards hand by kneeing his hand into the steel rail and as Love and Richards were taunting Alicia just JUMPS onto both of them and then security breaks up a Love/Alicia fight. I like what they’re doing here, seem to be building up to a mixed tag match that should be pretty decent. Have no idea who’s going over as I haven’t watched enough Impact to really get into the rhythm and beats of the show but if it were me I’d put over Richards and Love as it seems like you have a pretty good heel duo there that you could make money off of.
Magnus (who?), the GFW Champion (I honestly didn’t realize how much they were pushing the GFW thing until I saw this promo) bitches about how he should main event Slammiversary. You can tell Impact’s in pretty bad shape right now as they’re next ppv is Slammiversary which doesn’t happen until JULY! I realize that WWE has too many ppvs right now with the Network but not having another big show for two whole months seems insane to me and the only reason they would do that is if they couldn’t justify more ppvs due to the numbers. Anyway, Matt Morgan interrupts…. wait a second, MATT MORGAN!??? HE STILL HAS A JOB!??? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!??? Matt Morgan is one of the most notoriously bad drug addicts in wrestling, failed to get over in WWE, got released, went to TNA, failed to leave the midcard in TNA and NO ONE CARES ABOUT HIM WHAT SO EVER BUT HERE HE IS ON MY TV!! What the actual fuck!??? How do you even justify giving this guy a contract? So Magnus was bitching about how he should main event Slammiversary and brought up some decent points so Matt Morgan comes out of nowhere and is being a dick so Bruce Pitchard (!?) also comes out of nowhere and makes a title match between Magnus and Morgan. Have to say I definitely feel like Magnus is in the right here. Morgan tells Magnus to get his bumping shoes on, see what he SHOULD have said was go put your jobbing shoes on. I don’t know, seems cooler to me.
There’s a pretty funny backstage bit with KM bullying some dude who’s just trying to clean up trash.
GFW Women’s Title: Sienna w/KM vs. Christina Von Eerie (C)
Sienna looks worn out, older and a little heavy but still definitely bangable. I think she’s trying to go for a Charlotte kind of deal as she comes out in like a bunch of peacock feathers. Christina on the other hand is HOT! She seems to be going for a combination between Ashley and Becky Lynch. I like her Misfit logo on her skirt. Sienna goes over here and it seems really stupid to me to have her go over, Impact is trying to draw a new audience and having a hot women’s wrestler who’s over in the arena seems to be the way to go here vs Sienna who just kind of comes across as a generic heel at the moment. Something I will say that I like with Impact women’s wrestling vs WWE women’s wrestling, Impact actually SHOWS SOME FUCKING SKIN!!! I swear to God, the only women’s wrestler in WWE who is allowed to show off her body is Nikki Bella while chicks who’s main thing SHOULD BE is that they’re hot (Dana Brooke for instance or Emma with her new gimmick) are so covered up that you don’t even care. The only time you get to see anything with women in WWE in this time period is during a botch (I’m thinking, for example, of Hell in a Cell 2016 where Charlotte pulled up Sasha’s trunks and you got a nice shot of her ass). I’m not saying that sex appeal HAS to be part of a women’s division but it definitely helps as far as drawing new viewers and Impact’s capitalizing on the fact that they’re tv-14 so we get to see some t and a in TNA.
Eli Drake wants a title match but instead gets a match with Alberto Not Del Rio and Alberto’s title shot is on the line. I have to say Alberto looks like he’s having a lot more fun here than he ever did in WWE, which is nice to see. ODB is coming back…. look I BARELY cared about ODB back when she was younger and relevant, WHY ON EARTH would I, or anyone else for that matter, care about an old, washed up ODB? JB shows up in the crowd right behind Josh Matthews and is holding a brutal af sign. I don’t really care but I figured I’d mention it in case something happpens with the story later tonight. Karen Jarrett is backstage and announces Alisha vs Love for…. some period in the future. God damn, Angle must be happy as fuck he didn’t go back to Impact. If Karen wanted to leave Angle and get with Jarrett whatever, that’s her deal but to agree to do an angle with Jarrett where Jarrett was telling Angle’s kids that he was their new Dad and making out with Jarrett on TV was just fucking sickening. I’m honestly thinking she was trying to get Angle to kill himself, either that or she’s such a fucking attention whore that she doesn’t even care how Kurt reacts. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with anything right now but I can’t see her and NOT think of Kurt and that whole angle.
EC3 vs Some Jobber: Look I’ve never seen EC3 before but have heard a lot about him. He seems okay, not mind blowingly good but not awful either. EC’s a heel because he beat up James Storm or some shit and he gets on the mic and says he wants the title at Slammiversary. So is Bobby Lashley a part timer like Lesnar is? Like is that why everyone’s trying so hard to get a title shot? JB’s holding more stupid signs and Josh Matthews is being obnoxious. GOD DAMN I need a cigarette.
Matt Morgan vs Magnus (C) for the GFW World Championship: So whoever wins this faces the winner of Alberto Not Del Rio vs Eli Drake for the number one contdership for the TNA WHC. So… what the fuck is EC3 talking about? He’s NOT in the title picture at all but is cutting promos about how he’s going to win the championship at Slammiversary? What the fuck?
Matthews tries to sell Morgan WAY TOO HARD. “If you create a character in a video game Morgan is who you’d make.” Yeah, if you’re on goddamn crack! Morgan is NOT Randy Orton and the effort to sell him like that is pretty laughable. Magnus throws Morgan to the outside but Morgan lands on his feet and yells about how he’s the blueprint in this business. Yeah the blueprint… FOR BEING STUCK IN THE MIDCARD IN TNA FOR YOUR ENTIRE CAREER!!
Magnus is working over Morgan’s leg…… the referee as a kind of cool astehtic. Kind of looks like Christopher Daniels. Magnus puts Morgan in the Figure Four… Josh Matthews WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP about how much better he is than JB and brags about how many twitter followers he has. You know what, I’m not going to bitch about Matthews the entire show because he’s STILL BETTER than Heel Cole. Morgan reverses and hits Magnus with a sidewalk slam… I realize I’m hungry and argue over whether to make chicken wings or Shrimp and Pasta. Shrimp and Pasta with white sauce wins out. Magnus goes for something off the top rope but gets caught in a chokeslam by Morgan, Morgan gets a two count as Magnus gets his foot on the rope. Carbon Footprint by Morgan but Morgan’s hurt by the figure four earlier and can’t capitilaze. Magnus grabs his belt and goes to hit Morgan with it, Ref grabs the belt so Magnus hits Morgan with a low blow and then comes off the top with an elbow drop for the win.
3.5/5.0 Decent match, I liked the psychology of the leg and Magnus out thinking Morgan to win. I kind of like Magnus, he seems like a decent big guy and of course I’m happy that they kept Morgan out of the title picture as the guy is just too fucking old to push at this point.
Bobby Lashley is there, so I guess he isn’t a part timer? He says that the Impact Wrestling WHC is more important than the GWF titles. WELL NO SHIT DUDE, its all anyone’s been talking about all goddamn night! There’s TWO matches tonight just to determine who is going to wrestle Lashley at Slammiversary. The GWF WHC seems like a midcard belt at most.
Konnan is being super gangsta with his super gangsta homies. Goddamn, Konnan might have gotten older but he certainly hasn’t gotten any less obnoxious. James Storm is like, yo I never changed my gimmick, I’m a white trash drunk 4 life.
On the commercials there’s some old, creepy looking Asian dude telling me some ridiculously complex statics about PC Matic. That commercial was like legit a minute long and felt more low rent than infomercials on at 3 am.
Impact is REALLY trying to sell this angle with Spud, where he is SO injured from being beat up by Hornswoggle. Like, when I saw that he was all beat up and shit I thought it was a legit injury but then it turns out it was from Hornswoggle, what the fuck? They play sad music and have Spud talk about how he needs to take painkillers just to go the bathroom and he’s in a wheelchair in shit. Listen, Impact Wrestling, you do NOT need to try to sell this angle that hard!
Kongo Kongo w/ Laurel Van Ness vs Some Jobber: So Laurel Van Ness’s gimmick is that she is a slut. HOW IS SHE A HEEL!?? That was like every WWE Diva’s gimmick from the 90s to like the early 2010’s. Laurel Van Ness is bangable if she cleaned up her fucking makeup. She tries to make out with the jobber but the jobbers like naw bitch and she gets pissed and Kongo buries him. Braxton Sutter and some hot chick Allie come out, Sutter beats up Kongo, Kongo and Laurel leave. GODDAMN Allie looks hot! Look though, why is Impact building up TWO different mixed tag matches at the same time?
I hate all these terrible ass modern women shows. Hollywood Girls, Two Broke Girls, and fuck those terrible Amy Schumer movies. Women CAN be funny (I think) but these shows are just god awful. I’m not being super duper sexist here either as I like Felicia Day on MST3k, actually like her more than Jonah. Also I’m a Buffy fan.
Main Event: Eli Drake w/Tyrus vs Alberto Not Del Rio
Fans are into Alberto here, chanting Ci. Del Rio chases Eli on the outside of the ring and whips him into the steps. Del Rio throws Eli back in and Tyrus trips up Del Rio, Ref throws Tyrus out. Eli brings Alberto back to the ramp and suplexes him on it. Alberto comes back and hits Eli with a suicida… nice to see Alberto in the main event spot in Impact. Alberto’s always been one of the best wrestlers in the world, he used to have great matches with Punk back in 2011 but he just didn’t have the same promo skills as Punk and felt a lot less interesting so a lot of people hated on him but as far as wrestling skill he’s always been great. This is one of those matches where I’m fine with either person going over as Alberto deserves a push but Eli Drake seems like a pretty good heel and is good on the mic so you could go either way here. Alberto’s probably going to go over here though as Magnus is definitely coming across as a heel here and TNA has always had a huge hard on for ex WWE guys… I mean look at who the fucking champ is right now!
Back from commercials and Alberto’s doing the ten punch. Eli throws Alberto on the apron and suplexes Alberto right on the apron! Back in the ring and a two count. Eli takes Alberto to chinlock city… I guess JR is saying on twitter that Josh Matthews is a great commentator. Ross might have had too much BBQ sauce… Eli hits Alberto with a leg drop on the ropes for two. Josh pimps that Impact is going back to live events instead of tapings. You know, if you try looking up Impact tickets on Ticket Master you can not find ANYTHING. I legit have no idea how to even Impact tickets… granted I’ve only tried like twice but still.
Alberto tries to come back but misses a splash and eats shit on the outside. Eli goes for something off the top but Alberto catches Eli with an enzguiri. Boo/yay punches that the heel actually wins (!), Alberto comes bak with clotheslines and a backbreaker for two. Alberto goes for a superkick but Eli reverses into Reverse TKO for two. Alberto shoots up with an armbreaker and hits the superkick for a close two count. Eli comes back and puts Alberto on the top rope, Alberto fights off and Eli gets caught in a tree of woe and Alberto goes for the double stomp but Eli catches Del Rio by his kneepads and throws him off. Pretty cool reversal there. Alberto catches Eli in the armbreaker but Eli reverses into a pin and stomps Alberto. Albert catches Eli in the ropes and hits him with the double stomp pretty much out of nowhere, for the win.
4.0/5.0 Really good match here, I liked the psychology and storytelling. Alberto kept on trying to do his finishers but Eli had him so well scouted that he was able to reverse the double stomp and the cross armbreaker. Eli was pulling out crazy shit like a lionsault to win but Alberto’s had more experience and was able to put Eli down.
Final Thoughts: Like I said at the start of this review I haven’t watched Impact in about two and half years and I stopped watching it in 2014 because it was fucking AWFUL. The X Divison was okay but everything else was terrible, Sting had become the Joker for some reason and Jeff Hardy was doing the Willow in the Wisp thing. The Aces and Eights thing started off with promise and then ended up sucking ass. This is the best TNA/Impact episode I’ve seen in FOREVER! The opening match and the main event were both really damn good. The middle of the show was kind of lacking but I wasn’t bored by anything and I didn’t find myself fast forwarding past anything. As far as an alternative to WWE I definitely think this works and I like that is kind of a crossbreed of old TNA, ROH, GWF and ex WWE guys. I kind of doubt every show is going to be this good but this definitely has me wanting to come back and watch next week. Aye, check out Impact this week and see for yourself, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.