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Fatal 4-Way match for the WWE Universal Championship
Brock Lesnar (c) (with Paul Heyman) vs. Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe vs. Braun Strowman
Penny – My personal vain pointless hope will always be for Joe to murder everyone and walk away champion, but given how uncermeniously he and Roman were both tossed aside so Braun and Brock could be pulled apart on the Raw Go Home show, unless they book to swerve us last minute, it’s pretty clear WWE is sticking with their original plan to have Strauman come out on top.
Winner; Wonder Braun.
Michael – I was actually disappointed with the lame “brawl” at the end of Raw this past week, but this match should still be a hard-hitting spot fest. The flow of the match will be awful though, but if anyone can keep it together, it is Samoa Joe. I would like to see Samoa Joe win, but I doubt he will. The crowds would like to see Braun Strowman win, so I doubt he will. No one, except for Vince, wants to see Roman Reigns win, but I think they want to hold off on that change. So that leaves Brock.
Winner: Brock Lesnar (with just enough confusion to make Reigns pitch a hissy fit and challenge for the belt again)
Jake Ziegler – Sounds like Brock might be going back to UFC for a minute, so why not put the title on someone else?
Winner: Samoa Joe
Schuerman – I don’t think there is any doubt that the title comes off Brock for now, but the question remains of who takes it? Joe would be a great choice, but no. Strowman may not be ready, so let’s all bow down to Vince’s love puppy once again and just admit that he’s not going away.
Winner – Reigns
Jinder Mahal (c) (with The Singh Brothers) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Penny – I am soooo sick to death of tired stale foreign heel gimmicks that just feed the crowd’s racism and don’t do the wrestlers any favours. We already know Jinder only got the belt to pimp WWE’s foray into the Indian television market, and that he wouldn’t be holding it long. The audience would utterly lose their shit with markout joy if Shinsuke wins, but Vince loves to troll the fans these days by going out of his way to NOT give them what they want, so I expect Bollywood shenanigans to allow Jinder to retain until John Cena is back full-time to beat the dead horse.
Winner; I’m tootally from India eh?
Michael – If Nakamura doesn’t win here, I would be super surprised. They could have made Mahal look like a credible champion with a big victory over Cena last week, but instead he looked like a chump. Yeah, he got the roll-up on Corbin to keep his belt when he cashed in MITB, but that was more about Cena’s distraction anyway. Hopefully they decide to strike while the iron is hot with Nakamura.
Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura (new champion)
Jake Ziegler – I don’t hate Jinder as much as some on the internet do, but he HAS to lose here.
Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura
Schuerman – This is merely a formality in my mind. Why waste a Nakamura title shot without giving to him?
Winner – Nakamura
WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship
Naomi (c) vs. Natalya
Penny – Pretty sure this match exists just to give Nattie a “thanks for working for us for a decade completely unappreciated” title win only to have Carmella cash in the briefcase.
Winner; Diet Snookie.
Michael – I’m sorry, I do not really know why this match is happening. Natalya is like the 4th or 5th most over woman on the Smackdown roster. Does she deserve a title reign? Probably. Is Naomi good enough to drop the title to her? Probably. Will it happen? Probably not.
Jake Ziegler – Natalya is boring.
Schuerman – Another formality. Why in the blue hell is Natalya even in this match? Whose crown did Becky Lynch shit in to be in the spot she’s in? Anyway, should be a quick popcorn match, with Naomi retaining.
Winner – Naomi
WWE Raw Women’s Championship
Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Sasha Banks
Penny – Honestly I don’t have a clue which way they’ll go with this, since we all know it was supposed to be Bayley, not Sasha, and that Bayley was likely to lose to rebuild her plucky underdog schtick. Sasha isn’t the plucky underdog though, so I suppose they could give her the duke here so she and Alexa can trade wins until Survivor Series.
Winner; Substitute Sasha
Michael – For a substitute challenger, Sasha Banks is a pretty good choice. Bliss is still entertaining (and Corey Graves’ announcer crush on her is quite humorous), but is still not that great in the ring. Maybe it’s time for a change.
Winner: Sasha Banks (new champion)
Jake Ziegler – Bliss’s title reign hasn’t been great, but I still don’t see it ending yet.
Winner: Alexa Bliss
Schuerman – Should be a great match, regardless of the outcome. Bliss has come so ridiculously far in the past year, it’s almost unfathomable. She started as just a cute girl who could do a couple high-spots, and here she is hanging with Sasha.
Winner – Alexa
WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Akira Tozawa (c) (with Titus O’Neil) vs. Neville
Penny – I dunno. *flips a coin* Nevlle?
Winner; Whoever I called Heads for?
Michael – I know that they sort of backed themselves into a corner with Neville dominating the entire cruiserweight division, but for some reason, the title switch this past week seems more like a storyline bump than a major shift. Perhaps this could set up a bigger feud continuing for these two.
Winner: Neville (new champion)
Jake Ziegler – The King reclaims his crown.
Schuerman – I think this was a Luger/Hogan situation where they just wanted a title change for the sake of a title change. And while Tozawa is a great story, I think Neville retakes his throne here.
WWE Raw Tag Team Championship
Cesaro and Sheamus (c) vs. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins
Penny – All this build-up to a partial Shield Reunion plus Vince not caring about Cesaro means new tag champs.
Winners; New Improved Shield Lite! With 33% fewer dead weight calories!
Michael – While I am sure that the WWE would love to switch the belts over to Ambrose and Rollins, they don’t need to. And they shouldn’t. Ambrose and Rollins are back together because the force that is the team of Cesaro and Sheamus were kicking their asses left and right. Cesaro and Sheamus are really filling a void in the WWE tag team scene right now – the strong, kick ass badasses who want to get in your face and fight. The wrestling world needs that and they should be rewarded. Look at how everyone has taken to Samoa Joe or Braun Strowman for acting in similar ways. I hope they don’t hotshot the titles here. It would be a mistake, in my opinion.
Winners: Cesaro and Sheamus
Jake Ziegler – Gotta strike while the iron is hot here.
Winner: Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins
Schuerman – Unless they are going for a series of matches, which they might be, I see no reason why the 2/3 Shield shouldn’t take the belts here. They are the hot hand, and they can still do their rematches for a couple of PPV’s.
WInners – 2/3 Shield
WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship
The New Day (Big E and Xavier Woods) (c) (with Kofi Kingston) vs. The Usos (Jey and Jimmy Uso)
Penny – Pass. I’d rather watch them troll each other playing CODBLOPS on Up Up Down Down than see the 5’624’988th match between them.
Winners; Meh. The Minstrel Show I guess.
Michael – I am not sure what they are doing with this program right now. The New Day have the belts like it looked like the front office wanted. But the Usos have looked pretty darn impressive against them. Unless someone is being punished, I can’t see things changing here.
Winners: The New Day
Jake Ziegler – New. Day Rocks.
Winner: New Day
Schuerman – The Usos have gotten weirdly over recently, their awful promo work aside. The New Day is who they are, but they are supremely over with fans, and I think they keep the belts here.
Winners – New Day
WWE United States Championship
Shane McMahon will serve as special guest referee
AJ Styles (c) vs. Kevin Owens
Penny – AJ I’m told has a minor ankle injury so I suppose he could lose here to get a few weeks off to rehab it.
Winner; KO after Shane-O Shenanigans.
Michael – Styles and Owens have been doing a bang up job with this program, with the exception of their last PPV match. Adding Shane McMahon to the mix as a guest ref might add to the drama factor in the writer’s room, but I just don’t care. I have said this before and I will say it again, I do not want to see programs involving Shane McMahon. He stole an opportunity for us to see AJ Styles put on a classic at WrestleMania and it looks to be headed in the same direction for Kevin Owens. Let’s just hope these two can have a classic match here before Owens is forced to carry Shane for a few months.
Winner: AJ Styles
Jake Ziegler – I see the Shane v Owens feud moving forward, which means Styles retains.
Winner: AJ Styles
Schuerman – A heel Shane running SmackDown along with the ever popular Daniel Bryan could be a very interesting dynamic. I’m saying that Shane goes Survivor Series “98 here, and screws old nemesis Styles ot of the title.
Winner – Owens
Randy Orton vs. Rusev
Penny = Two Strikes Versus Not Really Russian RuRu? YAY! I know when my bathroom break is!
Winner; AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.
Michael – Oh, good Lord. Why is Randy Orton even on this card? And Rusev recovered from injury only to have his wife abandon him to become a jobber, lose to John Cena again, and then get hit with multiple RKOs? Poor guy. The ONLY way this match will be worthwhile is if Rusev crushes Orton to such a degree that Orton disappears for a while.
Winner: Randy Orton, because WWE hates me
Jake Ziegler – Does Rusev ever win on PPV?
Winner: Randy Orton
Schuerman – Who cares? Is either guy really going anywhere anytime soon? Sadly for the much improved Rusev, the answer is no. I’m still picking him to win, I just don’t think it’ll do anything for him.
Winner – Rusev
Big Show vs. Big Cass
Enzo Amore will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage
Penny – Enzo is going back to NXT because he pisses people off backstage, Big Show is retiring within the next 8 months, and Vince and Tripsy are both high on Big Cass both in the ring and on the mic, so this is a no brainer.
Winner; Empire State Beatdown Boy
Michael – Screw Enzo and the shark cage junk. The only stipulation this match should have is that the loser needs to change their name from Big to Small. Big Show is on his way out and they are trying to build Big Cass, so Cass should stay Big.
Winner: Big Cass (Loser: Small Show)
Jake Ziegler – I don’t love Cass, but he needs the win here.
Winner: Big Cass
Schuerman – This feud needs to be put to bed. Show is NOT the guy to be in your corner in 2017, and Cass is Vince’s new love. He’s tall, and has a great head of hair, so look for Universal Champion Big Cass in the next year.
Winner – Big Cass
Finn Bálor vs. Bray Wyatt
Penny – I don’t even care who wins I’m just fangirling to watch Sexy Irish Demon Boy versus Scarier Max Cady.
Winner; ME for getting to watch this insanity.
Michael – I really think they messed up with this program. Balor and Wyatt had a pretty good match on Raw this past week. And I have no doubt they can do it again at SummerSlam. But this story was just rushed for no reason. Everyone knew this would lead up to Balor bringing the Demon King out to take on Wyatt. There was no reason to do it so soon though. Right now, this feud is every feud Wyatt has had in the past couple years. Talk about someone’s dark side, win a few non-important matches, then get beat at the PPV. There is no reason why we couldn’t use this SummerSlam match to build up Wyatt. Have him win and then win some more and some more. Make it where Wyatt has Balor’s number and only after several months of soul searching, maybe even having one of those famous WWE losing streak pushes, finally he decides to bring out the Demon King to beat back Bray Wyatt once and for all. It could be at any other PPV, but it could even stretch out until WrestleMania. Instead, they give away the match on free TV after only a couple weeks of mind-game shenanigans, and then blow their wad with the Demon King persona a week later. There really should have been a bigger build to this.
Winner: Finn Balor
Jake Ziegler – Bray has won like 3 matches in a row, so he’s due to lose again. Plus, Balor is bringing back the Demon, so there’s that.
Winner: Finn Balor
Schuerman – Wyatt ALWAYS loses fights that he picks, and this definitely shouldn’t be any different. Need to keep Balor strong for a run against whoever the champ is.
Winner – Finn
John Cena vs. Baron Corbin
Penny – Borin’ Corbin is in the doghouse for his possibly shoot and definitely weaksauce twitter jabs at Cena and Nikki Bella, which have made him look like the idiot we fans knew he was, except now the brass who were Romaning him see it too, so he’ll get buried here and quickly forgotten.
Winner; The tank Corbin brought a Q-Tip to the battle with.
Michael – Cena is going to head off to film another movie I believe. Plus, they are still pushing this dumb “free agent” thing with him. Corbin decided to be an idiot and wasted his MITB shot. If I were booking this, I would have Corbin on a mission to kill Cena for costing him the title. Hell, Corbin’s attempted murder in the WWE before (remember his forklifting of Dean Ambrose) so it wouldn’t necessarily be a big stretch. But, instead, we will get a pretty slow and boring match which will end with Cena beating the odds and winning. Again.
Winner: John Cena
Jake Ziegler – If there’s actual heat on Corbin, a loss here will confirm it. If they actually care about him staying over, he’ll win.
Winner: John Cena
Schuerman – In no way, shape, or form should John Cena be laying down for Baron Corbin. I absolutely do not care what plans they have for Corbin, Cena will lose any rub he has to give if he loses this.
Winner – Cena
The Hardy Boyz (Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy) and Jason Jordan vs. The Miz and The Miztourage (Curtis Axel and Bo Dallas) (with Maryse)
Penny – Sooooo…. the match with the Revival isn’t happening? Really? We’re losing an instant classic for an unasked-for rematch to a middling Raw match no one wanted to begin with? Okay then.
Winner; Kurt’s bastard seed for screwing his old rivals out of a PPV payday.
Michael – There is zero reason for this to be on the card other than to give these guys something to do. If this is not on the pre-show, it will steal valuable time from other matches. Are the Hardys broken yet? Awoken? Who the hell cares? The crowd has turned on Jason Jordan faster than I think the WWE expected and don’t know what to do now. While Axel and Dallas have found a new lease on their careers (even though it is still as a “C” team), they don’t really need a spot on a PPV. And Miz… You have to feel bad for Miz. He won his feud with Ambrose pretty decisively and has the Intercontinental Title but has no current storyline or title defense on a big event. The best this match can wind up being is filler.
Winner: The Broken/Awoken/Stroken/Croakin’/Unspoken/Token Hardy Boyz and Kurt’s kid
Jake Ziegler – Jordan needs a win to try and salvage something out of this dead in the water angle.
Winner: The Hardy Boyz & Jason Jordan
Schuerman – Should be a straight squash on a card with already 478, 681 matches on it.
WInners – Hardyz/Jordan
Tags: rasslin roundtable, Summerslam 2017, WWE Summerslam 2017