Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 9.25.17 – WWE Monday Night Raw Review

Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 9.25.17
By Sebastian Howard

“Oh, thou who burn’st in heart for those who burn
In Hell, whose fires thyself shall feed in turn;
How long be crying—’Mercy on them.’ God!
Why, who art thou to teach and He to learn?”

Not much new to say really on the home front, we’re all still going to die by nuclear war by two dipshit world leaders, new sonic weapons discovered in Cuba that can cause brain swelling, N Korea have now shot three missiles over China and had a “natural” earthquake that just happens to be from where they’re launching their nukes. So yup, just another cherry sunny day…. Works going alright, got suspended for four days last week for calling out with a migraine but fuck man, like I’m really THAT mad about having to take four days off from fucking McDonalds. Plus my first check came in and since minimum wage is ten over here in CA my check was 500 so I had a little money to spend. Bought a new leather jacket, going to go full Trips in 2000, cut the sleeves off my jean and wear a jean/leather jacket combo. It’ll look cool AND keep me warm! Got the new Batman Telltale game, its pretty fun so far but killing off the Riddler in the FIRST FUCKING episode seemed like a mistake but we’re getting the Suicide Squad so it should make up for it. Anyway, lets just jump right into No Mercy…

No Mercy (Sensi Kreese)

We started off the show with a pretty decent match between Miz w/ Miztourage against Jason Jordan. Miz looked like a good opportunistic heel here and Jason looked like the damn good wrestler that he is, I love the rolling Northern Suplexes he does and he has a pretty good style in the ring that I think could translate into a good WWE Career…. that is if he can get out of the funk that this Angle angle has put him in. Miz went over due to interference and I think that if Jason wasn’t in this ill conceived angle he could’ve been at least somewhat over and people would be talking about how he’s underrated and maybe deserved to win the IC Title. Instead what you had was the LA crowd just completely not buying Jordan, booing him out of the bulding against the heel as fuck Miz. I’m all for the crowd getting into the Miz, he deserves it but goddamn all I could think of during this match was how bad I feel for Jason. Here’s a guy who has all the skills to make it, in the ring at least, and has been having great matches for the last month with top talent and it doesn’t matter because he’s stuck in this shitty angle. I think what WWE was trying to go for originally was that were expecting this Angle’s son gimmick to completely bomb and they were going to run Jason Jordan as a face that everyone hated, but the crowd just didn’t give a shit so then they tried to make him just a straight up plucky babyface with his matches against Reigns and Cena…. and the crowd was still indifferent to him. Now they’re just straight up booing him out of the building and it sucks because Jason has what it takes to become one of WWE’s great technical wrestlers. The best thing they could do at this point is turn Jason heel as its the only way to get him over but at the same time it feels so forced and I don’t think that Jason has the mic skills to make a convincing heel turn. Another instance of WWE writing themselves into a corner….

Next up was Bray Wyatt vs Finn Balor, first off this match pissed me off before it even started with the extremely good videopackage. It made this feud look AMAZING and as anyone knows who’s been watching it, it hasn’t been. So we started off the match with Bray attacking Balor before the bell and Balor being walked to the back before being goaded back into the ring by Bray. This also pissed me off because you make Balor look like a pussy, do you think someone like Lesnar or Triple H or AJ Styles would’ve started walking to the back after an extremely mild attack before the bell rung? Of course not… There was a lot to like in this match though. This match was actually pretty damn good, suprisingly good honestly though I might’ve just enjoyed it due to low expectations. Bray seemed to be having fun out there for the first time in ever and I like Bray a lot more as this laughing, evil maniac who’s having fun beating up his opponents and talking shit to them compared to his usual generic Spoken Word bullshit. Despite my bitching, Balor did look resilent here getting the win…. but this match really illustrates some problems. Mainly that Bray CONTINUES to look like a total bitch and can NEVER win when its important or without someone interfering. I ALMOST wanted Bray to get the win here as the crowd was into him for the first time in a while BUT if Bray had won here, with Balor having the injured ribs, it just would’ve been goddamn Groundhog Day. I don’t think anyone wants to see more of Bray/Balor and I definitely feel that WWE would’ve continued this feud until TLC if Bray had went over here. Hopefully Bray and Balor can both go on to do other things here, maybe feud Balor with Miz for the IC which I think most people would dig and Bray/Jordan which would…. well the crowd might get into Bray.

Cesaro and Sheamus/Rollins and Ambrose was really fucking good, probably the best match on the show. This match was stiff as fuck, hard hitting… just brutal and filled with false finishes. Cesaro losing his teeth and bleeding definitely added a cool visual, the false finishes were well done, I especially liked Cesaro powerbombing Seth onto Dean. I also dug the ending where Sheamus was going for a Brouge Kick only for Dean to play possum, go for a rollup, get two and then Sheamus accidently kicked Cesaro and took the double finishers from the Semi Shield. Great match here, however where do they go from here? I really hope the finish doesn’t end up leading to a Sheamus/Cesaro breakup, we barely have any fucking tag teams right now and we do not need to be breaking up anybody. TLC’s coming up which makes me think the Hardys are going to be involved…. I really doubt Lesnar’s going to be at TLC so is the main event going to be for the tag titles? Are they going to go with the face vs face team of Hardys/Semi Shield or are they going to try to go old school and throw three teams in there? And are Sheamus/Cesaro going to get another shot or are they going to throw The Club in there? Or all four teams? I’m curious what they’re going to do but not that excited to see The Club do the job for the next four weeks on Raw to whichever team “needs to build momentum.”

Women’s Fatal Fiveway was fine, they mostly kept Nia Jax out of the match which I suppose was smart as you don’t want her to look weak as she’s the only real competition I see right now for Askua. Glad that Alexa Bliss kept the title, she’s been the face of the Raw’s divison since May so its definitely going to feel like a bigger deal when Askua murders her for the title. I would bitch about Bayley having to take the pinfall but fuck man, its really hard to give a shit about Bayley anymore. Sasha, Alexa and Emma all looked extremely yummy of course.

Cena/Reigns, I actually dug the match, it felt like more of a big main event match than the actual main event ended up being. The match could’ve been shorter, the first ten minutes felt like filler and you could’ve accomplished the same thing, Roman cutting Cena off whenever he tries to make a comeback, in five. The middle portion of the match was good, Cena doing everything he could to put Roman away but Reigns being fucking invincible because he’s the next Cena/Rock/Hogan or whatever. The table spot was a bit unnecessary but sick as fuck and added to the brutal, adult feel of the show. Cena doing the triple AA’s after a super AA and Reigns still kicking out only to have Reigns beat Cena with one superman punch and a spear just felt…. weird. I’m mostly fine with it though, there’s not really a point in Reigns having to hit eight spears to win, they told the story they needed to, Roman taking everything Cena had, surviving and coming back to win completely clean. It did feel very fake though when Cena held up Reigns hand at the end, I get that he’s passing the torch to Reigns but Cena has TRASHED Reigns all month leading up this show but now he’s gotten beaten clean and raises his hand? It really bothers me too when you think about the other guys who have beaten Cena clean and haven’t gotten that treatment. Think about say Punk or Owens or AJ, whenever they beat Cena he didn’t raise their hand and say they were the better man, no he kept on telling them they had to prove themselves by beating him over and over again until Cena could get a win over them to redeem himself. It just feels very hypocritical and forced, especially since Reigns is in no way more of a face than Styles or Punk. I think it just adds to what Cena was saying about Reigns, about him being protected against everyone else.

Enzo beating Neville for the Crusierweight Title REALLY pissed me off, it actually pisses me off the more I think about it. Neville has been being pushed as the Crusierweight Triple H in a way, he’s defended the title against EVERYONE, he’s beaten Aries, Towza, Rich Swann, just about everyone credible in the Cruiserweight divison and he gets beaten by fucking ENZO!? I thought they were going to use this Neville reign to really put someone new over, build someone up like they almost did with Towza before getting cold feet and it just makes the last year of crusierweight shit with Neville as champ seem completely unimportant, not to mention pretty much runining any small amount of prestige the Crusierweight divison still had left from the Crusierweight Classics many moons ago. A lot of people wanted Enzo to go to the Crusierweights to help get attention to the divison but you could’ve done that without having Enzo become champion. I almost feel like this an apology to Enzo for being treated like shit so often but goddamn man, Enzo has looked like a total little bitch on Raw and then he goes over someone who could credibly be put into the Raw midcard or upper card? It comes across as counterproductive and makes the cruiserweight division look like a joke. Since they’ve already done this though, we might as well see how the expirment works and they might as well run with this for at least till TLC.

The main event of Strowman/Lesnar was okay, if pretty disappointing. It was interesting seeing Lesnar getting manhandled and dominated as usually Lesnar’s the one doing it but fuck man, the match pacing was just odd. Strowman slowed down after the Kamura but didn’t really sell the arm at all and then you had the same thing with the Reigns/Cena match with Strowman hitting Lesnar with everything he had but Lesnar surviving, hitting one f5 and it was over. I KNEW Lesnar was going to win this, I was actually surprised that people in the trashy ring attire predictions were picking Strowman because the booking to this was Strowman beating the shit out of Lesnar so typical WWE booking means that Strowman was going to lose here. So I was fine with Lesnar winning but the ending was so sudden that it left me a bit shocked and felt very underwhelming.

Overall, I thought No Mercy was a good show that didn’t live up to expecations as a great show but I’m not as down on it as most people seem to be. Next up Raw, where The Shield reunite to bury The Jobtourage!

Raw

Got a glass of Wild Turkey mixed with Pepsi to sit through this one…

Starts off with Miz and friends on Miz TV. Miz talks about how his unborn child won’t be a loser like Kurt Angle’s son, c’mon Angle’s son is like what ten? Oh wait you mean Jason Jordan…. Roman Reigns comes out, Cole mentions how he beat the 16 time world champion Ric Fla…. John Cena. Reigns says he likes it loud… to deafining silence. Good timing there. Miz asks Reigns how he feels about his match with Cena, Reigns forgots his lines again…. says he respects Cena, then says you can react however you want AS THE CROWD DOESN’T REACT AT ALL!!! Reigns says he was up all night celebrating and he doesn’t understand why he’s talking to an idiot like the Miz, jeez what a dick. Miz reminds Reigns that he has a championship and Reigns doesn’t.

Reigns gets a decent line when he tells Miz that Miz wouldn’t have won without the Miztourage and tells Curtis Axl or Bo Dallas to go get him a beer. The crowd actually popped for that. Miz says that if the Miztourage faced the Shield they’d bury them which is totally not going to set up the main event for tonight, nope not at all. Miz reminds Roman that he’s lost to Joe, Braun and Lesnar and then talks about how he’s made the IC Title prestigous while Reigns makes smirky faces. Reigns challenges Miz to a fight but Miz knows he’s going to do the job because he’s y’know, the IC Champ so he does the smart thing and bails. Angle comes out, makes Reigns vs Miz and up next, Jason Jordan and Matt Hardy (the best tag team of all time) against Curtis Axl and Bo Dallas. Um…. so you’re REALLY NOT going to do the Shield reunion!? Are you kidding me?

1st Match: Matt Hardy and Jason Jordan vs 2 jobbers

Matt Hardy and JJ are both wearing green and it looks tacky as hell. Jeff Hardy is there as a manager wearing a blue sweater throwing the color scheme off. Matt and Jason take out Bo/Axl and we launch into a commercial which gives me time for a cig.

Curtis Axl with an amazing chinlock on JJ… JJ gets out, gets the hot tag to Matt. Matt in with punches, bulldog off the corner for two. Matt with a second rope elbow and a neckbreaker for two. Matt goes for the twist but gets rolled up by Bo. Something happens, shit breaks down, Jason spears Bo in the corner, belly to belly to Curtis and Matt hits the twist of fate onto Bo for the win. Great call by Cole, “Jason Jordan for the win,” AS MATT WAS GETTING THE PINFALL!!!

2nd Match: Elias vs Apollo Crews

Yeah I don’t care, gave me a reason to smoke another cigarette. Elias won after beating up Titus, allowing the distraction. Elias attacked Titus after the match so Titus beat his ass and Elias ran away. The most important part of the match was Corey Graves saying that WWE doesn’t do politics, NIGGA I know you watch Anderson Cooper, shut the fuck up. Also, WWE doesn’t do politics!? I guess I DIDN’T SEE VINCE, TRIPLE H, STEPH AND SHANE WITH THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY POSING WITH TRUMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

They’re REALLY naming the new X Box X box One X? Are you fucking kidding me!? You couldn’t put an X Box 2 in there to differentiate!? Fuck it, PS4’s the way to go anyway… no I don’t give a shit about PC. The ONLY advantage to PC is that you can torrent games.

Holy fucking shit, an entire paragraph got deleted…. I’m pretty goddamn annoyed…. Strowman put Hawkins through a table in the crowd and then put him through the screen…. said he wasn’t leaving till he got a real fight and Ambrose came out. My main problem with this is that Ambrose, after defending his WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP last night apparently has nothing booked tonight. From a kayfabe perspective that’s sloppy but I’m fine with Ambrose/Strowman.

Good quote from WWE Creative so I’m going to use it.

WWE Creative Humor‏ @WWECreative_ish 3h3 hours ago

Glad enraged @BraunStrowman & lunatic Dean Ambrose were willing to wait for the commercial break to be over before they fought #RAW

3rd Match: Dean Ambrose vs Braun Strowman

Strowman throws Ambrose around like a rag doll… or like Shawn on coke in the 90s. I will say this for Raw tonight, the commercials have been really short, like two or three minutes max and then we’re back to the show. I like it, gives the show more of a fast pace. Strowman splashes Ambrose in the corner, Ambrose is just getting his ass kicked. Booker T continues his theme of THE PRESSUAH as he talks about how the PRESSUAH got to Strowman last night. Strowman with an exciting ARMbar! I hope he pulls out the spinning grundenzel slam. Strowman takes it to the outside, Ambrose with an eyepoke and throws Braun into the post. Back in the ring, Ambrose with punches and kicks, he goes for the ten punch in the corner, sends Strowman to the outside and goes for his suicide dive, Strowman catches it and Ambrose PLANTS Braun with a SICK tornado ddt. Cole with another great call, “DDT like.” Look you motherfucker, IT WAS A DDT!!!! Back in and Ambrose dodges a spear, Strowman eats the post. Ambrose goes for the elbow but Strowman catches him with a powerslam for the win.

Decent match but it ended before it really got going, Ambrose looked scrappy but never really looked like a credible threat. That DDT was SICK though.

Enzo’s getting a celebration tonight that TOTALLY WON’T get broken up by Neville.

I need another drink.

Some dumb bitch is talking about how she likes being in good shape but doesn’t like sweating. So you do not like sex!? Look you dumb bitch, if you’re working out and burning carbs YOU’RE GOING TO SWEAT! Quit being a total pussy!

Seth consoles Ambrose backstage and asks him not to do destructive things because Seth really cares about him…. emotionally. God, these guys are gayer than Tobias Beecher and that dude from Law and Order in Oz. Seth says he’s going to ask for a match against Braun next week.

Alexa Bliss is out, she looks hot as hell, especially in leather pants. Alexa’s mad that people aren’t talking enough about her and more about Bayley/Sasha and Askua. Alexa continues talking shit until Mickie James comes out, which is a nice continuation of the Raw Talk episode where Alexa was burying Mickie, saying she could beat her in 2-3 minutes. Mickie James is older but DAMN she looks good… Alexa says that Mickie was on her fav five on Myspace, when Myspace and Mickie James were relevant. That’s a pretty good burn. Alexa with some backhanded compliments, saying that Mickie James has a few fans left that says she has a lot to offer and that she doesn’t want to see Mickie break a hip. Look…. I kind of wish this WAS 2006 so we could get that hot forced lesbian thing with Trish but with Alexa. Mickie tells Alexa she has small tits, Alexa tells Mickie she’s an old lady, Mickie hits Alexa with a Mick kick…. I’m turned on. Nice to see Mickie get SOMETHING to do after being off Raw for so long.

4th Match: Seth Rawlins vs Sheamus…. because we haven’t seen this fucking match enough

Sheamus eats the post on a spear, Seth hits a suicide dive on the outside. Back in, Sheamus hits the Small Penis Curse for a two count. Sheamus with a powerbomb for two and then rolls into a cloverleaf….. Sheamus MALENKO!!! Seth gets the ropes, Seth backdrops Sheamus to the outside. Sheamus wrings Seth on the ropes and hits a really sick sounding kick to the jaw for two. Sheamus sets up for the BRO (BRO!!!) kick, Seth dodges out and hits the V Trigger for the win. Well that was short and Sheamus, the FOUR TIME WWE CHAMPION looked like a bitch. Also the transiton into the V Trigger involved one of the shittest, botched superkicks I’ve seen in a while. I guess Seth’s trying to be super duper safe after his like, 80th injury to someone.

This old dude Ryan quit smoking with Chantix and now he’s the happiest bakery dude of all time. He only smokes weed 24/7 now!

Golddust is offended with Balor backstage for saying he was a victim but Balor’s too much of a nice guy…. so Golddust turns heel and beats up Balor backstage and quotes Godfather. Y’know I really do need to rewatch that movie all the way through, give it a good analysis… anyway, I like Golddust turning heel because it gives him SOMETHING to do and Golddust as heel usually is more interesting than him as a face.

5th Match: Roman Reigns vs The Miz w/ Jobbertourage

So we get the main event at the 10:00 pm hour…. AGAIN!!! YAY!!!! This might be a reason for Miztourage to attack Reigns and then set up a Shield/Jobtourage main event but its really hard for me to buy Curtis Axl/Bo Dallas and the Miz taking out Superman 90s era with them mullet.

Miz goes for a handshake, Reigns takes it but holds on to Miz’s hand and sends him to the outside with a right hand. Bo Dallas is wearing a giant gold chain for some reason. Dallas grabs Reigns and wrings him on the ropes when the ref isn’t looking, Miz with a big boot for two. Miz with an EXCITING chinlock…. Reigns powers out, Miz throws Reigns to the outside and Dallas throws Reigns into the barricade. Back in the ring…. Miz with the D Bry dropkicks but gets caught in a samoan drop for two. Reigns is selling the back, the commentators are saying its from the AA’s he took last night… so Reigns didn’t sell them last night but he’s selling them now? Reigns with the triangle comeback, clotheslines in the corner…. ten of em. Big boot… there’s a guy in an old school Punk shirt cheering Reigns. You son of a bitch!!!! Reigns goes for a Superman Punch but Miz catches Reigns with the clothesline, Miz with the IT kicks (yes he’s kicking him like a clown)…. Reigns catches one of em, SUPERMAN PUNCH, Reigns takes out the jobbers, Miz rolls to the outside. BTW I just wanted to mention that Booker randomly turned heel on commentary. Reigns does the drive by to the jobbers, Reigns comes back in and gets DDT’d by Miz for two.

Miz goes for the SCF, Reigns powers out and hits the spear for the CLEAN win. Jobbers attack Reigns after the match… Booker T tells us that they’re KEEPING THE PRESSUAH ON ROMAN REIGNS!!! THE PRESSUAH!!! Reigns beats up the Jobbertourage by himself and hits Miz with a Superman punch, Reigns goes for a powerbomb but the jobbers come back with chairs and beat the shit out of Reigns with chairs! Okay…. wasn’t expecting that, pretty cool. This is OBVIOSULY a set up for a Shield reunion. Miz hits the SCF on Reigns and calls him Shield boy. So what, were Seth and Ambrose too busy jacking each other off in the back!? Oh OKAY, Miztourage goes back in the ring, beats up Reigns some more… Miz hits an SCF on the chair. And Seth and Ambrose are STILL not out there. Miz bashes Reigns in the back with a chair and the Miztourage pose over Reigns dead body…. AND DO THE SHIELD FIST THING!!! That’s pretty cool. Can the next month of Raw just be the Miztourage beating up Reigns? Please? Pretty please?

So the main event of Raw is probably Enzo’s title celebration. I haven’t even finished my drink and I already wish I hadn’t used the rest of my Wild Turkey on the last cup. WWE 2k18 commercial is pretty cool…. games going to be LAZY AS FUCK THOUGH because there’s absoultely no Showcase. Fuck man, throw in a Seth Rollins showcase and people would be sucking that games cock AND ITS JUST SETH ROLLINS!!! 2K really doesn’t give a shit about the WWE games, they put way more work into the NBA games.

6th Match: Golddust vs Finn Balor

Balor sends Golddust to the outside, dropkick into the barricade, whips Dust into the another barricade. Balor tries to come back in but Golddust throws him into the post. So it cut to commercial, I smoked a cig and went for a piss and in that time Balor finished off Golddust and some little kid singed about how Bray has the whole world in his hands. NO GOD DAMMIT!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE BALOR/WYATT ANYMORE!!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, CUT IT OUT WWE!!!

Next up in a time filler match is Sasha Banks/Bayley vs Nia Jax/Emma. WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHIT!??? I mean serisouly, if Raw’s not going to give a fuck why should I!?? Vince is obviously trying to appeal to football viewers by having the main event at 10, AYE COCKSUCKERS DO YOU WANT ME TO START WATCHING FOOTBALL!?? I don’t give a flying fuck about football but if you’re going to pull this nothing matters after 10:00 pm WHY SHOULD I SIT THROUGH YOUR SHITTY THREE HOURS OF BULLSHIT!??? Shit pisses me off so much…. I’m SUPPOSED to be watching MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!! There’s SUPPOSED to be a y’knowa MAIN EVENT AT 11 FUCKING O CLOCK!!! NOT GODDAMN ENZO AMORE CELEBRATING HIS BULLSHIT 205 LIVE TITLE!!! Why should I…. why should anybody stick around for this bullshit other than the fact that oh its monday night Raw and you have us fans, y’know the ones who tune in every Monday to your three hours of shit, why should we stick around!? In fact, what is going to make a causal fan stick around!? What is actually going to make them stick around after the 10 pm hour? Or do you think they’re going to be SO into their football that they’re not going to tune in anyway!? Fuck you Vince and your bullshit, I’m so sick of sitting through three fucking hours of Raw… look if only two hours of Raw is going to matter THAN ONLY MAKE IT TWO FUCKING HOURS!!! Fuck…. at least Sasha Banks is going to look hot, I guess that’s a plus though if I JUST WANTED TO WATCH HOT CHICKS I COULD JUST WATCH GODDAMN PORN!!! UGH, look I can tolerate this shit every now and then but Raw has done this for what, the last three or four weeks!? Y’know what? Fuck it, I’m done. I’m submitting the column right fucking now, fuck this show.

 

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