Spain’s SmackDown Report and Review for September 25th 2018: Samoa Joe Should Probably Be Arrested

Dear God, I have a PhD deadline in four days. What the hell am I even doing?

Truth TV burned too bright

Show starts off with R-Truth and a brunette Carmella in the ring, apparently having seized Miz TV like talkshow pirates. Apparently this is called “Truth TV”, which sounds like a cult. Truth and Carmella are apparently getting along great, which is one thing I’ve always liked about the Mixed-Match Challenge.

Their guest is Daniel Bryan, who’s heading for a number one contender’s match at Super Show-Down, AKA the most banal PPV name ever. Bryan gets mad chants, and Truth does some comedy with spectacles and sheets of questions which makes me smile, then asks Bryan what it will mean for him to beat the Miz. But before he can answer, Truth and Carmella declare a dance break: I love whoever’s in charge of this segment.

Bryan gives us all a working definition of catharsis like the hairy English teacher he is. He positions the Miz at the fore of his motivations, but also makes the case that he is also laser-focused on the WWE Championship on account of his truncated reign. The Miz then shows up in his ninja/pervert cosplay, prompting a chant in support of Truth TV. The Miz asks what the hell R-Truth is doing, and Truth explains that he won the talk show from Miz when he beat him in a match.

Miz runs down Bryan for fighting fair, comparing the bearded gent to him: the Miz wins at all costs. He says that he’ll do anything to win the WWE Championship and makes this whole thing about moral codes, which I’m amazed still exist in wrestling. R-Truth gets mad at Miz interrupting his show, preventing them from having the planned animal segment and bans the Miz from the show for life. He offers the Miz the chance to win the show back, then he and Carmella dance. Never thought I’d back this double-act, but it’s a brave new world and here we all are.

Backstage, the Miz yells at Paige, his employer, like the smart and diplomatic dude he is. Paige reminds him that this is wrestling and they settle everything by fighting, telling him to get out there and win his show back.

Can’t believe how devastated I was to lose Truth TV

Post-break, the Miz and R-Truth are in the ring, feeling each other out. Truth has Miz rattled in the early going, sending him fleeing from the ring. The Miz hangs Truth up on the ropes but still gets taken down. The Miz runs again, gets caught by Truth on the outside and worked over at ringside.

Back in the ring, the punishment of the Miz continues until he boots Truth in the face. Miz hits the It Kicks, almost getting rolled up as Truth ducks the last one, regaining control with the DDT. R-Truth’s placed in the surfboard, counters a backslide but gets taken out by a knee to the gut as we head to a break.

Following the break, Truth is on the outside trying to beat the count. He catches Miz unawares on the way back in, hitting a flurry of offence which has the Miz reeling. A thumb to the eye leads to the Skull-Crushing Finale, but Miz stares down Bryan rather than going for the pin, then winds up for the running knee to finish the match.

Not a bad match at all, with some decent story-telling between Miz and Bryan. 2.5 Stars.

Earlier today, Charlotte Flair was getting photographed by someone she just assumed worked for WWE when Becky attacked her, demanding the photos be taken of her beating up Charlotte. She and Randy Orton are really interested in visual proof of their assaults on people; maybe it’s joint art project.

I wonder if the Usos are used to not having Championships yet

Here are Sheamus and Cesaro, ready for Sheamus to go one-one-one with Big E. The New Day arrive. They talk about the respect they have for the Bar and say they want to say something nice about them, by which they mean just insulting them in a nice tone of voice. Sheamus and Cesaro say that they’re not here to talk, but to fight.

Match starts, and Sheamus begins aggressively before Big E hip-tosses him right out of the ring and splashes him onto the apron. After a break, Big E is still in control, handling the Irishman easily. Momentum changes when a Warrior Splash lands E across Sheamus’ knees, and the redhead takes control with a slam before getting ready from the Brogue Kick. Big E counters with a massive powerbomb for a two-count, then runs right into a knee. A Big Ending is countered, and a Brogue Kick marks the second win for the Bar in two weeks.

Short but impactful, both men being shown to be powerhouses. I’m looking forward to the title match. 2 Stars.

Backstage, Paige is begging AJ not to go mental during tonight’s contract signing and destroy a bunch of expensive shit. Styles promises only to destroy Samoa Joe, because human life is cheap compared to the glory of being WWE Champion.

This is going to be about Dwayne Johnson, isn’t it?

Elsewhere backstage, Lana tries to talk to Rusev, but he doesn’t seem in the mood for talking, heading out to confront Aiden English. The pair make their way out to the ring, and Rusev brands English a traitor for attacking him during Rusev Day. And this is how all show trials start. He demands that English face him and explain himself.

Aiden arrives, telling Rusev that everything he became and all of his popularity are because of him. We see an amazing video package of the history of Rusev Day, so apparently Randy Orton left some of the tech people alive last week during his quest to find footage of him annihilating Jeff Hardy.

English blames Lana for trying to Yoko up this whole deal, and if Rusev is going to take anyone’s side I think it’ll be the person he’s married to. Also the person not currently wearing a “Happy Aiden Day” shirt, which is totally visible. According to English, this menage a trois is far too much. Lana sticks up for herself, accusing English of trying to make his own career take off through Rusev. What? In WWE? Well I never.

Aiden then accuses Lana of something that happened “one night in Milwaukee”. Seems like a tenuous accusation to make with no evidence whatsoever, but Corey’s subsequent squeefest and use of the word “salacious” really carries the whole segment. English literally drops the mic and leaves, putting Lana and Rusev in the awkward position of having to have a mature conversation as man and wife.

Oh wow, we see footage of that happening backstage right now. Lana professes to have no idea what English is talking about, then Becky randomly appears and joins the conversation, which apparently falls under her authority as Champion of anything on SmackDown with a vagina. They’re having a match tonight, according to Becky. Who, as we’ve seen, is not exactly trustworthy.

Long way from the undefeated streak now, Asuka

The IIconics are in the ring, but before they can talk, Naomi interrupts. She’s accompanied to the ring by Asuka whilst the IIconics do commentary. Apparently Absolution have got involved in this programme, so they’ll be eating the pin tonight. Corey Graves’ uncontrolled frenzy of masturbation when Mandy Rose arrives is not curtailed by the presence of Billie or Peyton, making for an awkward minute for all involved.

The match itself allows Absolution to get some offence in on both Asuka and Naomi, which is far more than I assumed, but the power of a racially-diverse friendship overcomes the bond between a lesbian and a woman relentlessly pursued by a slavering Corey Graves. After a strong effort from both Sonya and Mandy, a pair of high kicks to the face allows Asuka to pin DeVille.

If nothing else, this is proving the viability of women’s tag teams. I do hope we get an Asuka/Becky title match somewhere down the road, though. 2 Stars.

My body is ready for a Tye Dillinger push

Shinsuke Nakamura is here to kick Tye Dillinger into a quivering, blood-leaking jelly. Tye starts off strong with an aggressive flurry, but Nakamura shuts that shit down fast enough. Dillinger’s not done though, countering a Kinshasa and getting a near-fall of a bodysplash. And, out of nowhere, Randy Orton arrives to assault Dillinger for the DQ.

Orton beats Tye in a sadistic, measured fashion, and you’d feel sorry for Dillinger if you didn’t think that a feud with Orton is going to be his ticket up the card. Shinsuke then hits Dillinger with a Kinshasa, which is the wrestling equivalent of getting the last word.

I’m intrigued and optimistic when it comes to Tye finally rising up the card, and a feud with Randy could see him shine. 2.5 Stars for catching my interest.

Backstage, Lana and Rusev are still having problems, immediately because of Aiden English but also due to a clear lack of trust in their relationship.

Randy Orton is also backstage, walking off that post-assault erection. An interviewer who looks like a botched clone of Corey Graves asks if Dillinger is his next victim, and he says that the “perfect ten” thing was just getting to him. Don’t listen to him, Tye: this is your chance to make yourself famous or die horribly.

That’s about right

Lana is in the ring, waiting on Becky. The Women’s Champion arrives, starting off the match by outwrestling Lana. The Ravishing Russian puts up some offence in a plucky sort of way, but Becky catches her on the outside and flings her into the barricade. Back in the ring, a wild kick to the head topples Becky, but the Lasskicker is relentless, finishing with a Bexploder and a Disarm-Her.

If you were going to do this match, then this is what it needed to be. 2 Stars.

Backstage, Aiden English promises to bring video evidence of what happened in Milwaukee. It feels wrong to entice people into watching the show with vague promises of porn, to be honest.

So AJ has to wait until next week to find out whether his family’s still alive?

Paige is in the ring to oversee a contract signing/two guys beating the shit out of each other. She introduces Styles and Joe, but Samoa Joe doesn’t come out. Styles runs Joe down for not coming out to face him, but Joe appears on the titantron and yep: he’s outside AJ Styles house. Well, this just got horrible. At least if Joe does anything illegal, the video footage will make it an open-and-shut case. You know, until AJ Styles drops all charges so that he can punish Joe himself.

Samoa Joe monologues about AJ’s fear that he’s about to watch his wife and child get raped and eaten. He mocks Styles for not having a cell phone on him, and you’d think AJ would already have grabbed the phone from someone at ringside by now; Graves has already shown that he’s got his phone on him.

So, is Wendy Styles not watching this show right now? Because it’s live, and she’s already had a lot of time to call the cops, sneak out of the back door, get to the panic room. Samoa Joe rings the doorbell, then says “daddy’s home” and the feed cuts out.

Wow.

Well, if nothing else, that’s fuel for a few fanfics.

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