Extreme Retro Review #003: ECW 4/14/93


Eastern Championship Wrestling

HARDCORE TV 04/14/93

Hosts: Jay Sulli & Stevie Wonderful

Location: Cabrini Field House

Attendance: 100… Maybe

-Stevie introduces the guest commentator for tonight’s show, Terry Funk, but Eddie Gilbert “The KING of the DEATH MATCH” comes out instead. Sulli and Gilbert bicker back and forth and after a LOOOOONG plug of “Quantum Leap”, Terry Funk comes out. (I never watched Quantum Leap.)

-Verbal back & forth between Funk/Gilbert. Gilbert gets bottled water poured on him to send him to the back…

-COMMERCIAL TIME: Carver W. Reed also gives out personal loans… Collateral loans, not unlike the Mafia. Moving on.

Round 1 TV Title Tournament Match: #5 Johnny HotBody vs. #3 Glenn Osbourne

Bad overdubbed music brings out HotBody. Osbourne is doing a terrible KISS Demon gimmick. HotBody has the unfortunate “Balding in 2 spots” gimmick. Osbourne is billed as “The Mad Man from the Badlands.” …Kill me now. Osbourne is the de-facto babyface because the Philly crowd denotes that “HotBody SUCKS!!!” Thank you for clarification. First visible sighting of ECW Super-mark “Hat Guy.” Back & forth full of nothing. Commentary sucks as fans are putting over both guys. A bunch more of nothing happens. Funk is trying to save the PBP, but its HotBody vs Osbourne. Snap suplex on the outside to wake me up followed a running dive from the ring apron by HotBody. Sleeper by HotBody and then misses a crossbody. Ref Bump leads into a low-blow and HotBody piledriver on Osbourne. It sets up a super-plex, but Tommy Cairo holds Osbourne, so HotBody dumps him. Osbourne with the splash for the W. Funk cuts a promo with Osbourne. Osbourne cuts a good babyface promo wanting the TV Title. “Hat Guy” is behind getting himself over. (*) Match was terrible.

-COMMERCIAL TIME: Pawn Shop and a Solo-Flex spot.

The Samoan Warrior & Chris Michaels vs. Larry Winters & Tony “The Hitman” Stetson (w/Peaches?)

The crowd immediately chants “YOU BOTH SUCK!” I legit popped, Philly is ROUGH. Winters/Stetson are the #1 contenders to the Super D’s, so they should go over. It’s weird to me because everyone in the ring is an underneath jamook, but I must treat Winters/Stetson like top guys essentially. Michaels skins the cat. You have a better core than me, so what?! The #1 contenders are squashing Michaels. What do you call jobbers that job to other jobbers? Commentary is calling this like a Midnight Express match in the 80s on TBS. Samoan Warrior must be green as goose shit because he finally gets in and driven to the mat by Hitman. Samoa Joe no-sells it and takes over. Fatu misses a charge and bumps all over the ring. #1 contenders go over with something. Post-match, Funk gets an interview with the winners, Hunter Q and the Super D’s attack. (*)

-Funk & Sulli put over ECW Heavyweight champion Mr. Sandman with a vignette set to “Big Shot” by Billy Joel. Promo is long as shit. The show is only an hour. They show Sandman trading holds with Jerry “The King” Lawler… SERIOUSLY.

-Sandman interview w/ Funk and the surfboard. Sandman puts over Funk and gives a 1991 Sting-esque promo. Well he looks like a fat Sting so its apropos.

ECW Heavyweight Championship Title match: Mr. Sandman (w/Peaches) vs. The Kodiak Bear (Tom Cosola)

Who? This match has a 1-hour time-limit… LOLOLOL Sandman going an hour. I sense a run-in. 20 minutes left in the show. So, a commercial, then a run-in. I’m sure Kodiak goes to bed at night knowing he main evented an ECW card. Stalling to start, Kodiak with the early heat. Sandman evens it up. Weird to see Sandman dressed like Harley Quinn or a member of the Royal Flush Gang. Sandman with his usual terrible offense and Kodiak is done with the Million Dollar Dream. (DUD) Who cares?

Round 1 TV Title Tournament Match: #2 “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert (w/ Tigra) vs. #6 J.T. Smith

Future goof J.T. Smith debuting tonight. Both guys are trading blows and it goes outside. Gilbert goes “Memphis” and chairs Smith into the crowd. Gilbert hits Smith with the timekeeper’s bell and heels up for the TV audience. He is trying to draw $$$. Gilbert whispers to Smith to start punching for his comeback, while Funk is putting Smith over. Smith misses the moonsault and Gilbert takes over again. Smith with another comeback, giving Gilbert a back body-drop from the apron, Gilbert hits Smith w/ some knux for the W. Funk tries to stooge to Finnegan that Gilbert had a foreign object. (*)

-Plugs for matches next week.

Tommy Cairo vs. The Super Ninja

Joined in Progress (JIP) Video skips early as I can not possibly care about this match. Typical match with a kinda cool finish. Cairo catches the Ninja (Chris Michaels under a mask) carries him around and dumps him with a release German Suplex for the W. (*) HotBody runs-in, RUNS AROUND THE REF & IN FRONT OF HARD CAMERA, (totally letting Cairo get the W first.) He drops the elbow, throw him out of the ring and they brawl to the back.

-Funk and Tod plug next week’s show.

OVERALL: The build is there. They are establishing who the top guys are. Most of the suck or past their primes, but that’s why we’re here: To review what you won’t.

Listen to the 3rd episode of Extreme Retro Review here.


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