EXTREME RETRO REVIEW #006:
Eastern Championship Wrestling
HARDCORE TV 05/04/93
Hosts: Jay Sulli & Stevie Wonderful
Location: Cabrini Field House
Attendance: 150… Maybe
-The goofs on commentary plug the title matches as ECW President Tod Gordon comes out and recaps Gilbert recapping Funk/Gilbert at Battle of the Belts (ERR #1). Tod shows a vignette of Funk with his horse at the Double Cross Ranch, in Amarillo, Texas. Funk is looking for Gilbert all over the ranch and he can’t seem to find him. “Gilbert” turns up as Funk’s horse’s ass. Funk then explains the rules for a “Texas Chain Match Massacre. There’s no blood stoppage. No pin falls or submissions. No time limits. No-DQ. You can only win by touching all four corners, while attached to your opponent with a chain. He pulls up the horse’s tail to get his response and the horse farts. Funk: “Your voice sure has changed but your breath is still the same.” Typical Funk wackiness.
J.T. Smith & Glen Osbourne vs. “Hot Stuff International” (Muraco & Gilbert)
Smith with the arm-drags. It’s hilarious they booked the kid as a up & comer with Tod. Heyman books him and he gets over as a singing Italian goof. Gilbert takes over. Tag to Muraco for some of that old Hawaiian heel work: Snug as fuck. Muraco breaks out the old “taped thumb” gimmick. Tag to Osbourne and now its all 4 guys. Osbourne with a tombstone piledriver and visual pin, but PAUL E. DANGEROUSLY runs-in with the phone gimmick, rolls Gilbert over FTW (*) Philly is chanting for Paul E. and clapping. Snuka comes in with Paul/Muraco/Gilbert & Sulli.
-Paul E. with a promo. “You know there’s a lot of people that wanna know what the hell is going on here. There’s a lot of people that wanna know if it’s true that the $$$ of the Dangerous Alliance has merged with the pure wrestling ability of Hot Stuff International. If there’s been a merger between the 2 most powerful forces in pro wrestling. The answer is Yes. Why? Why here? Why now? Why not NY or Atlanta? Vegas, Cali or Dallas? Why Philly? Why take the greatest Intercontinental champion: The man who brought credence to the belt. Why take Snuka, from the top of the cage at MSG 25 feet down (of Muraco of all people.) Why take Gilbert? Why put Paul E. in the ECW? Because we are determined to to make Tod Gordon a broke man. Because I don’t think there is anyone in Philly that has the guts to see what Muraco… Snuka… Gilbert have to offer. I’ve always said if you’re born in Pennsylvania, you’re a scumbag…” Tremendous. Ladies and Gentlemen, Paul Heyman has entered the ECW. Now all he has to do is get Eddie out of the way and steal the promotion from Tod. /shoot
-HQR3 & The Super D’s cut a promo about the last chance stipulation for the tag belts.
ECW Tag Team Title Match: The Super Destroyers (w/ HQR3) vs. Tony “The Hitman” Stetson & Larry Winters (“Les Mullets”)
This is the challenger’s last chance for the Tag Team Titles. Winters up early with his terrible offense. Quick tags keep the faces on attack. More stuff happens until the heels bring the heat. Twin Magic (How?) and Stetson brings the ref to his side like a goof. Terrible Demolition-style beatdown on Winters, who is playing a bad babyface in peril. More stuff happens and IDGAF. D’s hit Stetson with a gimmick while taking a back-body drop. D’s retain. (DUD) No more Les Mullets title shots.
– “Wildman” Bellomo promo with his hair in his face. It’s full of broken English, who cares? Moving on.
ECW Heavyweight Title: Mr. Sandman vs. “Wildman” Sal Bellomo (challenger)
Great… This is Eddie Gilbert trolling me from the grave. Thanks “Hot Stuff.” #pause Bellomo is terrible. Sandman is well on his way to becoming god-awful. If this match reaches DUD-status, idk what I’ll do. Peaches is an “Nth-grade” Miss Elizabeth. She is straight gutter trash. Who would pump semen into her? I’ve fucked better-looking rats… Me… and I’m not even in the business. Choking. Biting. Eye-Raking from Bellomo. Stuff happens… Rear chin-lock 2 minutes in. Fuck me. God-awful dropkick and Bellomo powders. I am literally dying inside. Sandman wins with a count-out. (-*****) Out of spite. Bellomo rolls back in the ring like a goof.
-Rockin’ Rebel (w/Tigra) promo from the locker room. Terrible shades to hide his wonky eyes and stage fright. Terrible ring jacket with aluminum foil glued on. Complete goof. Typical heel promo using surfing puns for the ECW champion. He puts over Tigra, she does the claw. I now dub her “Tigra Von Erich.”
Ernesto Benefico vs The Rockin’ Rebel (w/Tigra Von Erich)
Rebel dwarfs this skinny wimp. Rebel jaw-jacking to the fans. Single-leg takedown and a slap for good measure. Powerslam and a stomp. Suplex and an elbow drop. They show Tigra while the job guy misses 2 dropkicks. He gets another slam, but Rebel picks up on 2. Spinebuster FTW (*) Complete squash.
-Tod and Sulli with HQR3 for a ringside promo. Tod explains that Les Mullets will put up their HAIR for another title shot. HQR3 hastily signs the contract without looking it over and now he will be handcuffed to Tommy Cairo during the match next week. OH BOY, OH BOY!!! /FatBot
-Suicide Blondes with a replay of their promo last week.
Sir Johnathon HotBody (w/ Sir Christopher Candido) vs “Iron Man” Tommy Cairo
Grudge match with arm-drags and hip-tosses… Sigh… Cairo tossed outside, Candido helps him up and dusts him off. HotBody with a Cactus Elbow from the ring apron. As a heel tag guy, HotBody is pretty awesome. Cairo with a sloppy comeback, rollup FTW (DUD) HotBody and Cairo fight after the bell as the show ends.
Overall: Heyman in ECW makes this a Thumbs up. HotBody is cool. HQR3 is comedy and Hot Stuff International is obviously awesome. 1st good show honestly.
Listen to this episode of the Extreme Retro Review here on YouTube.
Spoiler: It’s awful.
Peace.
