Extreme Retro Review #007: ECW HCTV 05/11/93

EXTREME RETRO REVIEW #7:

Eastern Championship Wrestling

HARDCORE TV 05/11/93

Hosts: Jay Sulli & Tod Gordon

Location: Cabrini Field House, Philly

Attendance: 150… Maybe

-Tod sits in on color tonight as commentary plugs the matches. Tod allows a mixed-tag match as Sandman & Peaches takes on The Rockin’ Rebel & Tigra. There’s a recap of the feud between the men. They show the surfboard spot again (LOL), and the first cat-fight. It’s just bringing newer viewers up to speed with the product. They do a spot for the Texas Chain Match Massacre between Terry Funk and Eddie Gilbert and out comes Gilbert to cancel the match! Heyman talks about getting his lawyers involved to stop it. (Gonna call Daddy…) Tod & Paul go at it on the mic. Tod says if you sue, you’ll be disappointed in the outcome. Paul responds by saying that the “only thing he has ever been disappointed with is Tod’s wife LAST NIGHT!” (Must be the first wife, not the rat he ended up marrying later.) Either way, they showed instant chemistry. Paul E does his best to add heat to Snuka and Muraco and I should note that the addition of Paul E in the promotion brings a much-needed intensity that the show has been lacking thus far.

-Another wacky Funk promo from the Double-Cross ranch. He comes in pulling a tractor or a bulldozer, idk… Question: Is Terry Funk ever at some other ranch? I don’t know about too many ranches, but nobody talks about theirs more than Terry Funk. Promo is about equating farming to wrestling and then a guy walks into camera view. You don’t see his face, just from the back. (I think its Dennis Stamp trying to get booked in 93.) Funk calls the guy a varmint and says that in Texas, you can get shot for walking on someone’s property unannounced. Funk asks his name, and he replies that he is Eddie’s brother, “Real Hot Stuff.” Funk then punches “Real Hot Stuff” in the gut. “Real Hot Stuff” turns into a crash dummy as Funk picks “him” up into a gorilla press, spins “him” around and dumps “Real Hot Stuff” into the digger (I said “scoop” gimmick.) Funk then gets back into the tractor, hoists “Real Hot Stuff” into the air, dumps “him” and then proceeds to run “him” over several times back and forth. I was going to bury this, but then it went all “Final Deletion” on me. Along with the Paul E. debut promo, this is the best shit I have seen so far. Funk laughs maniacally, then shills the chain match.

No Disqualification, ECW Tag Team Title Match: The Super Destroyers (w/ HQR3) vs. “Les Mullets” (Tony Stetson & Larry Winters)

I hope they cut the mullets. Faces jump the D’s to start and LATE AS FUCK TO THE PARTY, here comes Goof Tommy Cairo to cuff himself to HQR3. They keep cutting to HQR3, so I’m expecting a HotBody run-in. Holy Shit, the guys are working the stip right, but they all suck; Larry Winters and his white boots. I have so much disdain for Winters… Seriously, who broke Stetson and Winters into the business? 2 40-mile radius jabronis are the foundation of ECW. Super D #2 gets into the ring and bumps… No clue as to why. Now the heels are bumbling around the ring. Stetson hit Super D #1 or 2 with HQR3’s cane FTW. New champs (DUD) HQR3 throws a tantrum while Cairo fumble-fucks around with the handcuff keys. Les Mullets keep beating the former champs after the bell… Idk about you, but did the D’s give notice because they are getting beat like jamooks. Super D’s throw a table in the ring, so yeah…

-Dangerous International comes to the ring. Paul E. joins the commentary team to do ring announcing for the next match.

Hot Stuff International (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka & “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert, along with Don Muraco) vs. J.T. Smith & Max Thrasher

When Heyman announced Gilbert, Gilbert took a knee, which is Snuka’s in-ring pose ironically. Heyman then announces Snuka, who does the same pose. (LOL) Q: Who in the blue hell is Max Thrasher? Paul then moves to do color and gets Stevie to give up the headphones. Criss-Cross spot (AGAIN) like I care. Heyman on color and called Sulli “Gordon Solie.” The nerve. J.T. plays babyface in peril. Thrasher gets the tag. Muraco grabs the leg, tripping up Thrasher. Superfly Splash FTW. (DUD) Snuka got some decent air for the splash. Must have been that good Philly fish-scale.

-King Sal Baratheon with another hair in face shit promo. He likes kids. I bet you do. Moving on.

“Wildman” Sal Bellomo vs. Canadian Wolfman

FOH. Lotta no-selling. Bellomo with a dropkick. Hideous punches in the corner. Terrible snapmare. Everything is just god-awful. Big splash FTW. Sal goes over. (-*****) Kill me please.

-Bellomo at ringside and Sir Johnathon HotBody comes out with Sir Christopher Candido.

Lumberjack Match: Sir Johnathon HotBody vs. “Iron Man” Tommy Cairo

Part 800. HotBody powders, but Stetson of Les Mullets throws him back in. Sloppy shit-wheel kick is called a “Reverse martial arts kick.” We have Eric Bischoff’s mentor. More boring back and forth. Cairo with a middle rope clothesline. Ref gets distracted. HQR3 runs-in, hits Cairo with the cane. HotBody pin FTW (DUD)

-Replay of Terry Funk’s “Horse’s ass” promo.

Mixed Tag Team Match: The Rockin’ Rebel & Tigra Von Erich vs. Mr. Sandman & Ms. Peaches

Peaches looks like the sister of one of those American Gladiators “Ice” or whatever. A bunch of nothing for this match. 2 minutes in and Sandman hits the chin-lock. Jesus. Just a regular match between Sandman and Rebel. Rebel gets dumped, tag to the ladies. Big schmoz and they go off the air. (DUD)

Overall: Paul E. being figured into the booking is a great thing. You can see some of Paul’s ideas being introduced, but these shows are a fucking chore to sit through. Thumbs in the middle.

Listen to this episode of HCTV with the audio version of the Extreme Retro Review here:

Spoiler: We’re getting better…

Peace.

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