Extreme Retro Review #009: ECW HCTV 05/18/93

EXTREME RETRO REVIEW #9:

Eastern Championship Wrestling

HARDCORE TV 05/25/93

Hosts: Jay Sulli & Stevie Wonderful

Location: Cabrini Field House, Philly

Attendance: 175… Maybe

-Recap of last week’s spat between Paul E. & Tod.

Super Destroyer #3 vs. HD Rider (w/EZ Rider)

SD #3 is “Wildman” Sal Bellomo in a mask. He changed nothing else about his attire, just the mask. He attacks Rider, looks in the camera, LIFTS HIS MASK, puts his finger to his lips and “Shhh.” Then fixes his mask. This is “Animal” Steele-levels of suck. Basic nothing opener and I’m tempted to watch some internet porn. #3 lifts his masks at random times. Commentary doesn’t understand why the mask? It’s a work goofs, just go with it. You don’t have to deconstruct SAL BELLOMO vs. HD RIDER. Big splash FTW (-Billion) The real Super Destroyers come out and beat him up. Finnegan gets shoved to the mat. HQR3 gets some slaps in. Good Man (DUD)

COMMERCIAL TIME: There’s a commercial coming soon to Prism Cable Network. “Batman Returns.” To order Prism, call (800) 82-PRISM. I called it, I got nothing.

-Geek Artese announces the tag title match.

ECW Tag Team Title Match: Suicide Blondes (Sir Johnathon HotBody & Sir Christopher Candido) vs. “Les Mullets” (Tony “The Hitman” Stetson & Larry Winters)

Mullets rush the rings for the double shine. Double headbutts and the Blondes powder… Winters and his white boots… Them boots are made for jobbin’. Crap exchange into a headlock. Crap exchange ends with Winters with a stomp. Headlock takeover for 2. Candido reverses for 2. Tag to Stetson, who’s a house of fire. Hitman KO’s HotBody, dropkicks Candido. Tag Winters. Ping-pong Candido in the face’s corner, Heat spot. HotBody in: Suplex for 2, Side Salto for 2. Tag Candido who kicks Winters in the corner. More heel work with quick tags. DDT counter by Winters to start the comeback. HotBody pulls Finnegan in the way for the ref bump. Match breaks down. HotBody holds Winters for Candido who has a chain. Winters elbows HotBody to get free, blocks the punch, and hits Candido. The chain falls in the ring by HotBody. HotBody hits Winters with the chain and falls on Winters FTW (**1/2) Perfectly acceptable wrestling match.

-Sulli is with Tod at ringside. Sulli’s dumbass is asking Tod about looking to sign the wrestlers for the “Texas Chain Match Massacre” but Tod tells him he already did. He delivers the response like an Old school Teddy Long… Doom Manager Teddy Long. Tod is about to que another boring Terry Funk promo from the Double-Cross Ranch, but Paul E. comes out to put the kibosh on that. Muraco comes out as well. There’s a jobber in the ring, probably nervous as shit, while Paul rants about how Tod is a small-time promoter with a weak champion. He then buries ECW, talking about Muraco selling out shows in the WWF and himself working for WCW without mentioning said promotions, then comparing them to a gym in Philly with 30 other guys. It’s an embarrassment to come out here and perform. He thinks Tod’s champ is gutless and Tod has had enough. Tod says we’re gonna grow and you’re gonna BEG to work here… in the ECW. The Sandman will put up the title, which Paul wanted and Muraco says you won the bet. Tod is an idiot for being suckered into putting up Sandman’s title without his consent. Muraco will once again have gold around his…cumbersome waist. They go into the ring to beat up the jobber.

“The Magnificent” Don “The Rock” Muraco vs. Ernesto Benefico.

Billed from Portugal, weighing 189lbs. I’d give Muraco at a glance anywhere between 275-310lbs. This is going to be GLORIOUS. I think Muraco was “What?!” to Artese as in “Who is this Guy?” Skinny wimp ducks and dodges as Wonderful calls him Benefico “Buttafuoco” as in Joey. Very dated reference. Muraco uses Paul E’s. phone to make a call. I think he was ordering 3g of trees, some Hawaiian pizzas. Botched press slam is covered up, so the wimp gets a slap as a receipt. Muraco catches Buttafuoco off the top for the counter one-armed tombstone FTW (*) Muraco must have been pissed at the jobber because he pinned him very hard. Squash City.

-Funk with a Double-Cross Ranch promo. Replay of “Real Hot Stuff.” Moving on.

Tommy Cairo & J.T. Smith vs. Canadian Wolfman & Max Thrasher

Cairo has on ass-less chaps. (#Pause) and sporting the old school Steiner Bros. singlet. Smith/Cairo matching singlets: American Alfalfa. Thrasher and Cairo have a pose-down and lock-up. Cairo’s showing off his strength. 3rd lock-up into a terrible exchange, ending in a snap suplex. Stevie says Cairo is built like a young Rick Steiner. Wolfman tag-in, Smith in with some martial arts kicks, Suplex and a flying Steiner-line. Dropkick as Wolfman is just food. Thrasher tag-in and the fans go mild for Thrasher/Smith. Thrasher tag Wolfman back in. Cairo with a powerslam. Rocket Launcher and the faces go over. (*) It was quick.

TV Title Match: Glen Osbourne vs. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka (w/ “Hot Stuff” Eddie Gilbert)

Both guys have over-dubbed music that is exceptionally loud and terrible. Paul E. introduces Snuka. Heel stalks and the competitors have a test of strength, as the goofy commentary debate whether the faction is the Dangerous Alliance or Hot Stuff International. Snuka gets clotheslined outside, Paul E. wants a DQ. Suplex back in for 2. Unclean break in the corner, leading to chops by Snuka. Savage Tongan heat cheap shots on Osbourne. Monkey flip out the corner by Osbourne leads to a 2-count. It’s blocked the second time around and Osbourne gets a backbreaker. Snuka goes up top and leaps ¾’s across the ring to land on Osbourne FTW. (*)

-Sulli and Tod close out the show and Gilbert comes out. He cuts a promo burying Global Championship Wrestling, renaming it “Gilbert Championship Wrestling.” Now ECW is “Eddie’s Championship Wrestling.” He hard-sells the chain match with Funk. Gilbert finishes with his patented chicken-shit schtick, which leads into ANOTHER TERRY FUNK PROMO (!!!) It’s another wacky promo that puts over Philly as a smart city. Hard-sell from Funk. Hard-sell from Sulli & Tod. They plug matches for next week.

Overall: Good tag match. Heyman & Hot Stuff International makes this show an easy Thumbs Up.

Listen to the audio version of this episode here on YouTube.

Peace.

 

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