Isn’t every Monday night Triple H Appreciation Night? Why should this Monday have been different? – Elliot Olshansky
A little misquoting, Elliot, but I had to tidy it up slightly for context only. I think you’d agree with that.
This is sort of a One-Hour Special. I’d already done Mailbag by the time I overslept (yeah, another Klonopin-related incident, but, dear Christ, I needed one after yesterday, believe you me). So that leaves me time for a news-related story and Smackdown Somewhat Spoiled. Hmmm, maybe I’ll get to work on time on a Wednesday for once.
THE PIMP SECTION
Gamble pimps me, I pimp him. That’s what called “being a staff”, rather than just a bunch of unconnected columnists who just happen to be on the same website.
Dymond gives us a terrific history lesson that you’ll enjoy, puro freak or not. Highest recommendation, as Keith would say.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT…WHOOPS
Nobody has results up. Goddamnit.
Okay, so let me throw this in: what the f*cking f*ck is the Wadester on? The “main event promo” between the Ego Monster and Big Sump Pump was “nearly perfect”? Keller’s officially departed into some alternate universe where he believes the Torch plays to the marks. Where’s the real Wade? Tell us what you’ve done with him!
Due to lack of said (although Angle/Benoit should be terrific, ending with an injury kayfabe for Angle due to his upcoming knee surgery), let’s move on to the news story I promised.
THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS GETS COOL
Every year, the Library of Congress chooses 25 films that will be preserved in its archives forever at the National Film Registry. Well, this year’s inductees came out yesterday, and they include Alien, This Is Spinal Tap, and Boyz ‘N The Hood. Woah, pop culture of our generation is being preserved. This means that those films are, in the Library of Congress’ eyes, are as worthy as, just to give a few examples, Intolerance, Birth of a Nation (probably Trent Lott’s favorite film), Broken Blossoms, City Lights, and, of course, Tod Browning’s Freaks (with, regrettably, no peaks).
BTW: Naturally, when going through the full list, I counted the number of cartoons on it. Here’s the full list: Windsor McKay’s groundbreaking Gertie the Dinosaur, the first Mickey Mouse sound cartoon Steamboat Willie, Bob Clampett’s surreal masterpiece Porky In Wackyland, Snow White and Fantasia (which don’t really count, since they’re features, but I throw them in for the sake of completeness), Magical Maestro (probably Tex Avery’s greatest work, but it’s cut for TV due to a couple of racial caricatures), Chuck Jones’ break-kayfabe Duck Amuck (as well as his greatest work What’s Opera, Doc (KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT!))…hmmm, and that’s it. May I suggest replacing Knute Rockne, All-American in the 1940 category with Puss Gets The Boot and A Wild Hare? They deserve the honor more.
MAILBAG!
Obviously, the Ravin’ Cajun gets first shot this week…
Which is more disturbing, the fact that Trips and Steiner had their little lovefest in the ring (complete with the quote of the year in the “in this company you have to earn this” line) or the fact that AL GORE scored the highest ratings for SNL this season and since Britney Spears hosted the show?
Oh, and I’m calling it now- Nowinski is The Game-UH, Version 2.0.
Both of those facts are scary enough. I think my respect for Steiner would have increased a lot if he’d responded with “I earn it in the ring, while you earn it in the bedroom.” It certainly would have made him an instant mega-face with the marks and have us smarks laughing our asses off. Instead, he did his lame-o mushmouth routine, because God knows we can’t humiliate Trip. And we can only hope that Harvard breaks those Trip-isms soon.
Memo to my fascist bud John King: Agreed on the hypocrisy issue. Al Sharpton is a loony who doesn’t play well to most of America, so naturally the Demos are going to cut his nuts off if he tries to run. I think the GOP is making a big mistake in trying to force Lott out, since this is something I think will blow over (hell, if Clinton’s “bimbo eruptions” thing blew over after the 60 Minutes interview, this one will too). Bill Frist…good guy and can probably build a cross-aisle consensus as long as he doesn’t push the White House agenda too much, which is a guarantee with Nickles. And I’m in full agreement with you viz. Susan Sarandon. I hate that bitch.
Since we were speaking of Steiner a few moments ago, here’s Brandon Elliot, obviously a new reader:
I was just wondering, why in the hell do you call Scott Steiner “Big Sump Pump”?! Is this supposed to be funny?! What about calling Rock “Flex”, I assume your trying to show off your smart mark knowledge by making reference to his stint in the USWA, as a matter of fact, it looks like your blatantly trying to do just that!
Viz. Steiner, here’s the quote from my column of October 29th that established the nom de cretin:
Of course, it’s time to unveil what I’m going to be calling Steiner from now on. I’ve settled on Big Sump Pump, because both he and a sump pump have the same functions: 1) They both suck, and 2) They spew out waste.
As for Flex, let me repeat the story that I’ve told very often: After going through the litany of the archdemons of Hell, I needed to call him something that 1) was evil and 2) wasn’t obscene. I settled on “Flex” because it’s a great reminder to the audience that he wasn’t fully-born out of Vince McMahon’s head and, besides, it’s a great slap to the ego, always the most vulnerable area of a successful wrestler.
I am not showing off smark knowledge for the sake of showing it off, I am utilizing smark knowledge for the sake of insulting someone that I don’t like. I am also not trying to be funny; I am trying to be insulting. I don’t do a humor column; I do a bitter, cynical, angry column.
Aussie Bureau Chief Brett Wortham puts out the hypothesis that Dustin Runnels’ work ethic may have been a consequence of his divorce from Terri, what with him not being distracted by her inflated funbags and all. A definite possibility, I have to admit.
Long-time reader, first-time caller Jeff Fernandez asks me about my favorite topic:
I actually had a question concerning the anxiety medication Paxil, which you’ve listed as a medication that you are taking or have taken in the past.
I’m off of it now and on Lexapro. Of course, my shrink was perspicacious enough to lower the Paxil dosage slowly while I became habituated to Lex due to the fact that there have been lots of cases of people getting withdrawl symptoms to Paxil.
I’ve taken it regularly for almost a year now to keep everything nice and balanced. There is a warning that says not to consume alcohol while on the medication, and when I asked the pharmacist why, he said “Just don’t do it.” Condescending dickhead.
Agreed. I always like to know what medications do and why restrictions are on them. It’s your right to ask, because you’re the person taking them.
Aside from my psychological mumbo jumbo, I’m a relatively healthy person with no serious physical complications. Is this one of those things that only applies to people with heart difficulties and things of the such, or can I seriously f*ck some shit up by getting hammered on weekends, like I’ve been avoiding (although not readily)? I’m only 22, and I’d like to exercise my ability to go out and drink like a sailor, just so long as it doesn’t kill me.
Oh, to be 22 again and be able to go out and get hammered on weekends. Enjoy your youth, trust me. As for the question, Paxil does serious things to your brain chemistry. It’s designed to do it. It’s a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (as is Lexapro, Celexa, Effexor, et al). It prevents the brain of people with conditions like ours from sucking up serotonin like a sponge (serotonin is the brain chemical that helps you relax, in case you’re wondering). However, Paxil really jams up the dam when it comes to serotonin compared to other SSRIs. That’s why it works so quickly compared to other drugs in the class and makes you feel as mellow as Rob Van Dam in situations where you’d normally get anxiety attacks (and that’s why it can be addictive in certain individuals). Alcohol is a CNS depressant. It promotes the production of serotonin. Booze and Paxil together causes your brain to quickly overload on serotonin. This is not a good thing. You’ll be very relaxed, relaxed to the point where you can’t do anything, perhaps relaxed to the point where your CNS shuts down. There’s a slight but definite chance of fatality by mixing the two. So I’d follow your pharmacist’s advice.
And on that subject, memo to Dustin Harwood: I’d go look for another doctor. If a doctor prescribes a course of treatment that doesn’t work, you tell him it’s not working, then he keeps you on it, run away as fast as you can.
Jane Elkins decides to remind me of work:
Did you read that the Bush administration is going to allow irradiated meat to be used in school cafeterias? Exactly how bad would this be, if at all? I wasn’t sure so I thought I’d ask a meat expert.
It wouldn’t be bad. It’s a low-dose irradiation, lower than you’d get from an X-ray. It’s proven to be safe, effective, and not harmful to anything but disease-causing bacteria. So I wouldn’t worry. This is going to end up just like the scare in the Fifties and Sixties over putting fluoride in water supplies.
Some stuff about “boom shakalaka” in the ol’ box, which shows you what kind of lives we have. Joshua Yetman cites the soundtrack of “Dumb and Dumber” for Apache Indian’s track “Boom Shaka Laka”. Brian Foley (no relation) brings up Shaggy and other reggae artists and says that it’s a common phrase in reggae songs. Hey, Ja Rastafari, man.
Scott Martinson asks me about one of my typical obscure references:
I always read your articles and this is the first I’ve written. Pretty silly question really but I had to ask. Under Angle Developments you had the tagline “The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea” I am just curious wher you got that from. The reason I as is that it is a song title from one of my favorite bands Nightwish and was curious if you had listened to them as well.
Sorry, no. I actually answered my own reference in the remark after it. In The Odyssey, Scylla was a demonic creature, while Charybdis was a vortex of water. Hence, devil and deep blue sea respectively. Just want to teach the kids that there’s another Homer other than Simpson.
The Midnight Litigator decides to clarify some remarks in Mailbag last week about Vince and a conspiracy to take the company private again by purposely destroying the quality of the show:
I’m a long time reader and appreciate your thoughtful columns. As a securities litigator I have thought quite often about the potential for derivative suits against McMahon. I believe Vince actually enjoys an advantage over his corporate counterparts in defending potential derivative suits because of the subjective nature of his product. Unless Vince intentionally makes materially statements or omissions about the health of the company in a 10-K filing or analyst call to artificially inflate the stock price for personal gain, I don’t think a suit has much chance. Breach of fiduciary duties are very specific suits that require very specific pleadings, as do all derivative actions under the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act.
A suit that brings a derivative action alleging corporate waste predicated on bad storylines as the proximate cause of declining ratings would never survive a motion to dismiss. Under the doctrine of the business judgment rule (and this is a gross simplification) management and directors enjoy the presumption that any corporate action taken for an arguable legitimate corporate purpose are valid. It is a very high burden to overcome as a plaintiff and serves the purpose of allowing boards and management to govern without constant fear of suits from disagreeing shareholders and lawyers looking for fees. Personally I feel the only action that might even raise a scintilla of hope of making it into discovery for corporate waste is Vince’s pursuit of the XFL. But even with the XFL, Vince certainly made his plans to pursue the endeavor clear far beforehand and investors who were wary had plenty of time to get out.
As for the throry that he is tanking to retake the company private, I would wager that Vince et al. have contracts that are laced with vesting options. Vince knows that wrestling is cyclical and should be smart enough to have a 10-b5 sales plan in place whereby statutory insiders like Vince are allowed to dispose of certain amounts of stock each day. If Vince ever issues a tender offer to repurchase all minority interests in WWE and re-privitize it, it will most likely be as the result of Vince’s desire to have no master to answer to rather than to increase his wealth.
Thanks for the clarification. That kinda blows that conspiracy theory out of the water. However, if anyone thinks he can get away with that kind of shit, it’s Vince.
Speaking of conspiracies, Casey Cornelius reminds me that both Dubbaya and John Kerry were members of Skull and Bones while at Yale. The secret society has produced three presidents (Taft and both Bushes), but never have two members run against each other. Hmmmm, something to think about.
Instead of closing with the guy who wanted me to talk about Steve Austin instead of stuff that’s actually interesting (I’ve talked enough about Austin, thank you, and I don’t give a damn whether he comes back or not, because whatever he’s going to do, we’ve seen it all before), let’s give a big hand to my compadre Zach Singer, who gives us a little link to another little link, like that between Enron and Dubbaya. And it’s on videotape. Makes my heart warm to see that.
And that closes this shit out for another week. Grut’s here tomorrow to make complete sense of the world as only he can, Ashish comes in to actually report some news, and Flea brings us into and out of the weekend. I’ll be back next week for the Horrid Holidays editions of this column, so bye bye and Buy Bonds.
About Eric Szulczewski
