Me: Woo Hoo! Ten Columns in the Bag!
Mistress: Ten what now?
Me: Ten Columns of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! Exclusively on 411Mania!
Mistress: You write a column?
Me: Uh…yeah….I’ve told you about it every day…..
Mistress: I wasn’t listening. Is it getting a following?
Me: Yup, I just got my hit count too and let me say I’ve come a long way. Out of 135 writers, I rank 136!
Mistress: That’s nice. Now get on your knees and give me
Hi Everybody! From the one writer who finally admits they have lower IQ then the reader, welcome to the TENTH EDITION SPECTACULAR of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! Today, we will take a break from covering all the important and not so important news and views of the big bad sports world. Instead, we’re going to talk about how Slayer’s Sports and Stuff came to existence which has little to do with sports oddly enough and more about wrestling and the history of 411 from a perspective so limited it’s simply untrue. And yes as promised: What life is like as a new 411 writer!!! Don’t worry, all the regular features are still here including links, TV Schedule and the third and final part of the GTA: Vice City 100% completion guide. Come on down, have some fun!
BUT, FIRST!
One little sports thing. Who the HELL are the people that voted in Jason Giambi as an A.L. starter. I’m not much of an All-Star nazi, whoever gets in, get in. But that is just TOO much. If you were one of those people who voted for him, you should be ashamed of yourself! Why do people like this guy so much anyway? And is it me, or has Jason Giambi gotten dumber over the years. When he was with the A’s, he was a good player, granted. And a fine leader as well. But he’s regressed into a pile of muscular mush whose higher brain skills are just not functioning properly. The worst is when he started crying when the Yankees banned his Personal Trainer/Steroid Pusher/Sex Slave from the clubhouse and team flights. Seriously though, if you voted for him, please let me know why.
Ok, let’s do this thing,
THE CREATION OF SLAYER’S SPORTS AND STUFF!!!
Blame it on God.
On the day I was born, I fell in love with sports. But, that’s another column. Sure, one day when I’m in a sappy mood I’ll write that melodramatic ‘I love sports because fa la la blah blah’. But sports has little to do with why I wrote a sports column for 411. In fact, the desire to write a sports column was really on the bottom of my ‘hopes and aspirations’ list. The good Lord knows I’ve wanted to be a lot of things in life, but a sports writer? I can’t stand sports writers. They’re bunch of over analytical geeks whose primary goal seems to be to take all the fun out of this form of entertainment. They remind me of the type of people I wanted to beat up in high school. I loathe them so much that of course I become a sports writer. So, thank you God! Thank you so much for having the one dream I never had come true. The irony is f*cking hilarious…….
So how was Slayer’s Sports and Stuff born?
Short Story: God made wrestling, wrestling made the IWC, the IWC made Scoops, Scoops made Hyatte, Hyatte made 411wrestling, 411wrestling made 411mania, 411mania made 411black, and 411black made Slayer’s Sports and Stuff.
Here’s the long story…..
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God Created Pro Wrestling.
At the age of 5, I began to fall in love again…with Professional Wrestling. I don’t love it nearly as much as sports but like many on this website, a cluster of memories from youth stem from watching WWF, NWA/WCW, that wacky stuff on ESPN afternoons, and of course, GLOW. I loved it when I was a kid…I even had a way to ‘tune’ my television so I can get the PPVs for free. Then I grew out of it and became a teenager. Yet as a young adult, sometime in 1996-1997, I once again fell in love with Professional Wrestling. In 2004, such statements are looked down upon with grimaces of disgust and superiority. Even from the wrestling fans. But in those days, my affair with wrestling was looked up to as unique and eccentric within the circles I dwelled in. I loved both WWF and WCW/NWO equally, yet due to my ‘demographics’, I was somewhat secretly rooting for WWF, a statement that held true for many wrestling fans of that era. So while I loved the Big Two for all their greatness and silliness, what knocked my head over heals was ECW. I remember one hot New York City Saturday night coming home late, not very sober and stating to myself “I wish there was some wrestling on now.†WCW Worldwide was syndicated at 12:30am but I missed it by a few minutes. I looked at the TV Guide and saw something called ‘Extreme Championship Wrestling’ slotted for 2:00am on a random UHF station (Channel 31 to be exact). So, I sat down and watched it. The hour came and went, and afterwards I was a changed man. My face looked like it saw the face of God and I screamed “Holy….! That is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life! .and to make things worse, they were coming to New York City. I went to an ECW show at the Elk’s Lodge in Queens and afterwards, it was official…I was an ECW fanatic.
On the second day, God created the Internet……
Sometime in 1997, I was introduced to the Internet. If my addiction to wrestling by itself wasn’t bad enough, I now had a 24 hour electronic enabler to expand my obsession ten fold. I remember the first time I read ‘spoilers’, and feeling sooooo sneaky. Or the first time I read an article saying a certain wrestling show or match sucked. I was shocked and astonished! I remember an endless supply of wrestling sites at the time, and checking every single one of them. But most of all, I remember Scoops.
On the third day, God Created Hyatte
The first time I clicked on a mop up. I don’t recall the specifics but I know I laughed hysterically for 45 minutes and I clicked every week, again and again and again. Talking about the ‘red stripe’ days of Scoops is like talking about the glory of days ECW, all I can say is that it was great and I wished you could have been there. Al’s news reports became part of my daily regiment, Hyatte’s obsession with the Villanos and Johnny Rodz was providing quality entertainment. A couple years later, Scoops went Kaplooie and eventually Hyatte left. But at the time, I was going through a bad patch in my life. An extremely awful one actually. I was hanging on to the things I love such as sports and wrestling for dear life just as a sub-conscious way to prevent any ‘accidents’. I also had no room for the IWC anymore and officially turned over my membership card. Yet, when one is in a state that I was, I also needed laughter….desperately. So I still read Hyatte to get my dose of giggles. Though to do so, I had to follow him around like he was the Grateful Dead. Scoops, Scoop This, websites named after steak sauce, and finally a little website called 411wrestlng!
On the fourth day, God created 411 Wrestling….and saw it was good. God also created Bad Wrestling and saw it was really, really bad.
Actually, 411wrestling may have been around before Scoops for all I know, but when Hyatte came here, he brought a legion of fans over, myself included. They joined up with the Smarks (Ok, I admit I have no idea who or what the Smarks are but I know it was a group of people with lots of readers), hired some of the best independent talent out there, and Ashish became my new ‘Al’. 411 had alot of positive momentum going for it. They then proceeded to not only take the ball and run with it, but score a touchdown! 411Wrestling became one of the top independent wrestling websites…for all the right reasons.
They also seemed to be the only site that got through the ‘wrestling website apocalypse’ in 2001/2002. Since the only wrestling website I ever really visited in the past few years was 411, I was a bit oblivious to this apocalypse. But I’ll pretend to know what I’m talking about. You see, it’s all about hills and valleys in the world of wrestling, and 2001/2002 was one deep valley. Some great individual matches in those two years, but alas….WCW went Kaplunk, ECW went Bloop, and all that was left was WW….E. The Invasion, rape, death, being caught in their self revolving worlds and not realizing 9/11 completely f*cked everybody insane and we were looking for escapism, not faux realism. Fans were getting angry, anxious, and just sick and tired of wrestling in general, the vaudeville act known as pro wrestling refused to mature with their audience so the audience eventually left…..and watched Sponge Bob Squarepants instead. To make matters worse, the IWC went so far downhill that it still has yet to fully recover. The only thing left was nothing but a bitter cesspool of anger toward the McMahons and the wrestlers, disgust with the product, and webfeuds nobody outside a small group of people cared about. Wrestling websites started to disappear one after another and there was much sadness. But not on 411. Not only did it survive this period unscathed by putting entertainment before all of the nonsense but actually got BETTER. Whether this was planned or coincidental I do not know, but it worked! What I do know is that Eric S. and Grut deserve alot of credit for this. The site lit up when those two came along.
By the way, don’t you hate it when a major political event happens, and one of your first thoughts is “I wonder what Eric is going to say about it.â€
On the fifth day, God Created 411 Mania.
Interesting how the mind works, we get so comfortable with a variable that remains constant, should it be contorted in any way we react negatively. When I first saw 411Mania, my initial thought was “They expanded into other interests I have! How dare they!.†I even reinforced my thinking with irrational behavior, like REFUSING to change the name of my link. It will always be 411wrestling, not 411mania/wrestling. Around this time, I also left the world of 411 for about a year. Not for any particular reason, I just had things to do. When I came back a few months ago, I saw that this site truly was one of the best independent sites on the net, on just about every medium there is. Do I like every article and writer on this site? Of course not, no one does and no one should. But there was always something for somebody. The little wrestling website had expanded into a cultural juggernaut.
On the sixth day, God Created 411Black….and wasn’t sure what to think about it.
Now, since I was neither a writer nor a reader for most of Black’s existence, its history is a bit sketchy to me; but I’ll try my best and if I get stuck, I’ll just make something up. About seven or eight months ago, The Chiefs of Staff had a new idea. Make a zone for their top writers who are suffering from ‘burnout’ and want to talk about something outside their editorial boundaries. For whatever reason, it didn’t go so well since that format didn’t last too long. So they went to Plan B: turn it into a live action blog/journal thing. That idea wasn’t working either. So they went to Plan C, recruit some more talent by dipping into their own 411forums. That just completely backfired and resulted with this one writer going completely psychotic. Finally, they went with Emergency Plan D: Recruit a bunch of random strangers they don’t know whom nobody had ever heard of. One of the sub-goals of this new Plan D was also to create a sports section. So, they were looking for sports writers, I wanted a writing gig, I wrote a sample, then they hired me and Slayer’s Sports and Stuff was born. WHOO HOO!
On the seventh day, God took a well deserved bong hit, watched power-puff girls, ate an entire bag of Combos and went to sleep.
The end.
LIFE AS A 411 WRITER!
Now, that I’m an enliste, I get lots of questions of what it’s like to write for this website. Here are some of the more frequently asked questions.
Q: How did you get a column on 411mania?
A: Like I said, I wanted a writing gig. And what better place then 411mania? I gave it my best shot in the application process and I got accepted.
Q: No, no, no. How did you get a column on 411mania?
A: Oh, yeah…that’s a good question. I assume that they got alot of applications, therefore when they were sending ‘acceptance’ and ‘rejection’ form letters, they messed up and sent me the wrong one.
Q: Do you have any experience as a writer?
A: I certainly do. I’ve written several professional dissertations in which many of my writings were published in…..
Q: Shut up! Do you have any experience as an internet writer?
A Ahhh…f*ck my life’s work. Because this is the medium that truly counts in today’s modern universe. Here’s a funny story…around 4 years ago, Gen. Ashish asked the ‘civilians’ if anyone would like to volunteer to recap the weekly ECW syndicated show, and if so then send a sample. I did and a couple days later, Ashish stated that he liked what he read and the job is mine….if I had some sort of weird super access thingee where I could post my article immediately after the show. In honesty, I had no idea what he was talking about and when I asked him about it, he replied that he found someone who had it. And that was my first stint as an Internet writer….
Q: That was soooooo interesting, but now that you’re officially enlisted, what was life like as a 411 private? Give us the gossip!
A: Somebody once wrote Hell is the impossibility of reason. That’s what life was like as a 411 private…hell. After one week, I hated it already. Some goddamn week, the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done is write a sports article, I don’t even know what I’m doing. Derek Jeter could be standing 3 feet in front of me and I wouldn’t know it, I’m so tired. I get up at 5 a.m., write all day, nap around 4 or 5 p.m., dig a foxhole, eat, then realize my column sucked and I’ll have to write the whole thing over again. It’s scary cause nobody tells me how to do anything because I’m new and nobody cares about the new guys, they don’t even want to know your name. The unwritten rule is a new guy’s article isn’t worth as much cause he hasn’t put his time in yet – and they say if you’re gonna get fired or banned from 411, it’s better to get it in the first few weeks, the logic being: you don’t suffer that much. I can believe that …
At first, I didn’t think I could keep this up. I felt I made a big mistake coming here …
Q: What are the other writers on 411 like?
A: They come from the end of the line, most of ’em, small towns you never heard of. Emporia, KS; Rimuski, QE; Pleasantville, NY. High School diploma is about it, maybe if they’re lucky a job waiting for ’em back in their father’s office. But most of ’em got nothing, they’re just middle class white people with expensive computers. They’re the unwanted of our society, yet they’re fighting for our freedom of speech and our right to watch good professional wrestling.
They’re the bottom of the barrel – and they know it, maybe that’s why they call themselves ‘411 writers’ cause a ‘411 writer’ can take it, a ‘411 writer’ can take anything! They’re the backbone of this website . The best I’ve ever seen, the heart and soul.
Q: What’s life like as a 411 private-first class?
A: I’ve found it finally, way down here in the bandwidth – maybe from down here I can start up again and be something I can be proud of, without having to fake it, maybe …
I can see something I don’t yet see, learn something I don’t yet know …
Q: What’s Widro really like?….and be honest!
A: I’ll be honest. All kidding aside for the moment and in all seriousness, General Widro is a great guy. I’ve chatted with him a couple of times, and every time I did I would get real nervous and keep screaming to myself “don’t say anything stupid, don’t say anything stupid.†But now I realize I have nothing to be nervous about, Widro is very approachable, down to earth, and very kind to all the new writers. He even gave me this piece of advice on how to succeed at 411:
“Talking about the history of 411mania? You an expert? You know about 411mania?
You don’t know a goddam thing.
You’re just a pussy, drinking and smoking shit to hide from reality.
Me?
I don’t need that shit.
I AM reality.
That’s the way it oughta be and that’s the way it is.
This is 411Mania and I got no fight with a man who does what he’s told but when he don’t…..the machine breaks down.
And when the machine breaks down, WE break down …
and I ain’t gonna allow that. Not from you, not from anyone.
………….I shit on all o’you.â€
Hope that answers all your questions! Now for…
SHOUTOUTS AND SALUTATIONS
Just a quick thank you list.
Canadian Kid for being a cool guy.
Eric Katz for being a cool guy who happens to live a few blocks away from me.
Bootleg Guy for giving me a nice little pep talk when I first started.
Eric S, and Hyatte. Both have provided for myself years of entertainment. I’m never mentioning either of them again though. They scare me and have evil powers.
Huckaby and Gagnon for…..tolerating me. It’s appreciated guys.
Our Two Generals: Widro and Ahsish for allowing this type of forum. What other major site or periodical would allow their sports writers to blab about Vice City, bad movies, and martinis? Then again, I could be fired next week so who knows.
My commanding officer, Colonel Daniels! The one who has the unfortunate task of editing my columns every week. He does so many little things to it that make it readable. You should see it in its original Word document. It’s a bloody mess. He’s also just an awesome guy! If he was here, I’d give him a BIG New York hug! I do bother him on IM just a little too much though…I should cut that out. And talking to him that one night when I was drunk…that was probably a mistake.
And of course I would like to thank….YOU!….i guess…
Want to read more?
No?
Check out my NEW Archives anyway! Or is it just archive singular….
www.nyslayer.com!!!
Plus premiering in a few weeks….
I love 411mania! But, I have one teeny weeny little criticism. Too much testosterone floating around. Not enough female perspectives. So I will interview REAL WOMEN about their take on the world of Sports, Stuff, and yes Sex because it sells.
Ok…enough of this shit! We’re back to Format next week. Nothing like this until edition #25! Will I make to #25 without quitting, getting fired, or just randomly dying? I don’t think so!
I got Links, TV Schedule, and GTA for you guys. End of column proper. See you all next week!
SPORTS ON 411BLACK!
a.k.a. people who do their job
Paul Carmon states his opinions on the BoSox, NBA trades, and hates the color pink. If you’re a single guy, don’t listen to him. Wearing the color pink will increase your chances of getting laid by 12 percent.
Mike Husle goes over all the top sports news like the professional he is. He also doesn’t like stupid callers on WFAN. My favorite is Jerome from Manhattan.
If you’re in an All-Star mood or like to play fantasy stuff, check out Musings to fulfill your desire.
Yayo has a couple ‘lines’ on the NBA off-season as well.
SPORTS ON NATIONAL TV (7/13-7/19)
All times are EST
Tue/8:00-FOX: 2004 MLB ALL-STAR GAME @ Houston, TX. AL vs. NL
Thurs/7:00-ESPN: Baltimore Orioles vs. Tampa Bay Devil Rays (SBO)
FOX Saturday Games (Regional)
1:00-Minnesota Twins vs. Kansas City Royals
1:00-St. Louis Cardinals vs. Cincinnatti Reds
1:00-Philadelphia Phillies vs. New York Mets
4:00-Chicago White Sox vs. Oakland A’s
4:00-San Diego Padres vs. Houston Astros
Sunday Night Baseball on ESPN (National-Different time this week!)
6:00-LA Dodgers vs. Arizona Diamondbacks
Mon/8:00-ESPN: St. Louis Cardnials vs. Chicago Cubs
The snoots go to Troon, Scotland for the British Open
First Round: 7:00am-TNT (replay at 3)
Second Round: 7:00am-TNT (replay at 3)
Third Round: 7:00am on TNT and 9:00am on ABC
Final Round: 6:00am on TNT and 8:00am on ABC
Lots of Boxing This Week!
Tue/10:00-ESPN2
Thurs/11:00-SHOWTIME
Fri/9:00-ESPN2
Sat/9:00-PPV: Laila Ali vs. Nikki Eplion
Sat/10:00-HBO (This could be a fun show)
Sun/CLL-FSN (The tenth return of Kirk Johnson)
VICE CITY 100% COMPLETION PART III
Hi Everybody! Here’s the third and final installment of the 100% completion guide.
We’ll go over all the side, secret, and hidden missions throughout the game, and there’s a few of them. In fact, even if you are a veteran, there may be a few things in here you never heard of.
STADIUM MISSIONS
Most of you know the deal, and in case you don’t here’s the rundown. There are three missions for this stadium and which one it will be depends on what the show will be for that night. Simply look at the Billboard in front of the Arena, or its marquis to find out which one. The front door will be open 20:00-0:00, and you may enter in between those times to compete. Note: Each mission is replayable, but you need only to complete each of them once for the percentage point.
Dirt Ring-Don’t worry about the clock. You have all the time in the world to complete the stunts with your Sanzhez. And you’re gonna need it. As easy as this mission is, it’s still quite challenging.
Hot Ring-Some confusion here. The game says you have to finish at least in third to get prize money, but you MUST finish in first place to get the percentage point. It’s a car race with the difference being you can go in a pit stop to fix any damage. Like any race though, to complete it you’ll need trial and error, good strategy, some skill, and a little luck. The most difficult one of the three by far. My advice is to go in when the doors open leaving you room for a second try in case you mess up.
Blood Ring-Basically a demolition derby, but the goal is a bit bizarre. You have to increase your timeload to 60 seconds. Once you have an understanding of what you need to do, it’s not a difficult mission.
Finish all three, and you’ll get a trophy case on top of your television in the Mansion!
TOP FUN/RC MISSIONS
People HATE these missions. They are extremely difficult and the reward is petty…100 dollars.
To activate these missions, go into a parked white ‘TOP FUN’ van. There is a three step process to completing all of them.
1) Get frustrated and say ‘I’ll never be able to drive/fly this dam thing.’
2) Finally learn the basics yet continually to fail over and over again.
3) Get lucky and win the race.
There is also one mission for Avery and one for the Cubans in which you fly an RC. Same three rules apply.
If you’re stuck on step 1, just keep giving yourself lessons. Even so, lots of people get stuck on step 2 for a long time, so sometimes it’s best to say ‘screw it’ and leave it for another day.
RC Bandit-It’s at the Nothern end of the Beach, where there is a little track and it gets bumpy.
RC Baron Race-On the rooftop of the North Point Mall parking lot.
RC Raider Pickup-In a parking lot, next to the terminal entrance. People have more trouble with this mission then usual. It’s not like flying a helicopter but more of a Hunter. Just tap the controls, don’t be overly aggressive.
CONE CRAZY
On top of the parking lot, N of Collars N’ Cuffs. Go in a Stallion parked on the NE edge of the rooftop. If you have trouble with this one I apologize but there is not much I can tell you because I lucked out and completed the mission the first time I did it. I can tell you if you fail, simply leave and re-enter the parking lot to regenerate the mission
PCJ PLAYGROUND
The PCJ parked beside the hotel N of the ‘Strip’ in Ocean Beach. Basically, when the road veers left, go straight and up the hill (It’s not always there though).
This may be the most difficult mission in the game next to Paramedic. So if you have lots of trouble with it, my advice is to go to an FAQ or guide and follow the directions at verbatim. But that will only help so much. You just need to do it a hundred times to get the hang of it. I can tell you that you don’t need to be perfect. When one does it perfectly, there is still 30 seconds left on the clock, so you can afford one or two minor mistakes, just not one major mistake. Good Luck!
CHOPPER MISSIONS
There is four of them yet many people don’t realize their existence. They’re quite easy actually. Just put on your favorite radio station or KCHAT, take your time and don’t rush things. The trick of course is finding the choppers so you can do the missions in the first place. (The sparrows do not spawn until after a certain point of progression in the game. No one is really sure when that is, but don’t look for them until you’ve completed a majority of the missions).
Ocean Beach-It’s on a low pink rooftop South of the southern Pay N’ Spray
Vice Point-Middle of courtyard across the street from the northern Pan N’ Spray
Downtown-Edge of building NE of VCPD Helipad.
Little Haiti-The roof of the building with the “Move Over Miami†billboard. On the map it’s a little North of the triangular patch of grass…Watch out for Haitians!
Dirt Track Mission
NE corner of Vice City. Two simple missions with no time limit.
Trial By Dirt-Do two laps with the Sanchez. It’ll rain to make things a little difficult, and there are a few gang members you have to kill.
Test Track-Same thing but with a 4×4 and no gangs. The trick is not to get bored and go too fast or else you’ll flip over.
RIFE RANGE
Last but not least, we have the rifle range mission available after you meet Phil. To get the percentage point, score at least a 45. Basically, my advice is to shoot the first target EXCEPT the head so you have room to aim for the difficult shots and be perfect. Like many things in the game, it’ll take a bit to get the groove.
THAT’S IT!
If your stuck on 99%, it means you cheated or you missed something. If you got a 100%. Congratulations! Give yourself a pat on the pack for wasting a month of your life and distorting your mind forever. Have a Martini on me!
Here are your rewards!
Worthless bodyguards!
All cars can take twice the damage!
200 Health, 200 Armor!
Infinite Ammo!
Cheat all you want now!
And a shirt that says “I completed VC and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.â€!
I’m not kidding, you really do get that shirt.
ARE WE DONE?
Nope! Sometime in the next few weeks, we’ll go over all the super-secret stuff, easter eggs, and just other fun things one can do!
