Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by The Source Hot Sauce, which is absolutely the hottest sauce that I’ve ever tasted (and no, it doesn’t have any relation to that dreadful magazine of the same name). I consider myself to be a cognoscente of spicy foods, and therefore felt obligated to try it out at a friend’s house the other day. I tried just a few drops in my bowl of chili, and let me tell you, I was still feeling the pain the next morning. So, if you’re willing to drop 80 bucks to have something bound to be a hit at any party, it’s a must-have. To give you an idea of just how insufferably potent this stuff is, it registers at 7.1 million Scoville Units. Regular Tabasco is rated around 3,000, a raw jalapeño is around 5,000, and police-grade pepper spray is usually rated at around 5.3 million units.
I just want to categorically deny that I don’t like Smilo. I do indeed like him and enjoy his work. I think that this stems from a comment that I made over at 411 when I implied that I too found Michelle Branch attractive and that he’d better watch his back. But other than our competition for the heart of Michelle Branch, I don’t have a problem with the guy.
Mathan Erhardt, responding to Smilo’s comment from last week’s column
for the record, i DO dislike smilo
Widro
Legendary grindhouse director Russ Meyer died last Saturday, of pneumonia, at the age of 82. As a lover of sleazy cinema, I would be remiss to not pay tribute to this man, whose movies include Mondo Topless, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, and Vixen, and were notorious for lots of big boobs. So, as a tribute to Mr. Meyer, go out and have sex with a woman with big boobs. This includes you too, ladies. Do it for Russ Meyer. Do it for Widro.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 4 of 16)
Soft Cell, “Sex Dwarf”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Are you a gambler? I’m not, but I do like statistics?
Odds that That_Bootleg_Guy will win a Nobel Peace Prize:
30,508-1
Odds that That_Bootleg_Guy will win a Grammy:
5,739-1
Odds that That_Bootleg_Guy will win a Daytime Emmy:
2,023-1
Odds that That_Bootleg_Guy will win a free Pepsi when he gets a winning bottle cap:
6-1
Odds that Mathan Erhardt will end up becoming a sea captain and traveling the world on a schooner named Elliot Smilowitz’s Haircut:
54,026-1
Odds that Elliot Smilowitz will end up becoming a sea captain and traveling the world on a schooner named Elliot Smilowitz’s Haircut:
271-1
Odds that Elliot Smilowitz will end up becoming a sea captain and traveling the world on a schooner named Elliot Smilowitz Rulz:
24-1
Odds that Trevor Presiloski will end up filling in for Mathan (who will take the week off) temporarily reuniting The Minority Report trifecta:
19-1
Odds that Trevor Presiloski will end up filling in for Jeremy Botter (who will take the week off) temporarily reuniting The Minority Report trifecta:
19-18
Odds that Brian J. Blottie will make a guest appearance in D’Estroyer’s new solo column, sometime in the next three weeks:
33-1
Odds that Brian J. Blottie will make a guest appearance in D’Estroyer’s house, beating him with a golf club as he sleeps, for stealing all of his heat:
3-1
Odds that the golf club will be a nine iron:
4-1
Odds that the golf club will actually be a rolled-up newspaper:
2-1
Odds that Gloomchen will challenge Dana Suzanne to a fight to the death, which would crown one of them as the undisputed champion of the music section:
4,166-1
Odds that Dana Suzanne will end up ignoring Gloomchen, just like she ignored me when I professed my undying love for her earlier this year:
1-1
Odds that Gordi Whitelaw‘s new and exciting column will actually help you score with smart people:
28-1
Odds that Gordi Whitelaw’s new and exciting column will actually help you score with that hot girl at the mall:
89,500,372-1
Odds that Fingers will regain his spot as top poster on the staff forums sometime in the next week:
8-1
Odds that D’Estroyer will do things like post tips for improving our writing skills and where to get good barbecue in order to stay in contention:
5-3
Odds that booklover is actually Fingers wearing a blonde wig:
7-1
Odds that 50 Cent looks like a jack o’ lantern:
7-5
NEWS TO USE
The fantastically tasty former Mexican tween-pop idol Gloria Trevi was released from prison after having served almost two years in a Mexican prison for allegedly taking part in a child molestation ring. Trevi, her manager, Sergio Andrade, and two female backup singers were arrested in Brazil and extradited to Mexico in December of 2000 after being tied to an operation that supposedly used the band to lure teenaged girls into their entourage, after which time many girls were sexually abused. While Andrade is still being charged with rape, kidnapping, and corruption of minors, a Mexican judge found that the evidence being used to convict the other three was insufficient, and those cases were subsequently thrown out. Trevi had gained notoriety in the late 80s and early 90s for her extravagant live shows, skimpy costumes, socially critical lyrics, and her often-naked pin-up calendars. That’s right, you read that correctly, and I have pulled a few of the greatest hits from said calendars. ¡Que sabrosa!
(1 2 3)
A United Airlines flight which was en route from London to Washington, D.C., had to make a detour to Maine on Tuesday when it was discovered that Yusuf Islam (f/k/a Cat Stevens, né Stephen Georgiou) was a passenger on the plane, and then authorities found that he was on a government watch list. He was reportedly sent back on a flight to London the following day. While airline companies are supposed to cross-reference the watch list while passengers are boarding their planes, a TSA official said that “it was unclear why [security] personnel allowed Islam to get on the flight in London.” According to the Department of Homeland Security, Islam’s flight was diverted “on national security grounds,” which may be attributed U.S. claims that he had donated large amounts of money to Islamic funds which help benefit factions including the Hamas militant group, which is considered to be a terrorist organization. A similar situation happened back in 2000 when Islam had arrived in Jerusalem, as he was deported amid claims that he had delivered monies to Hamas in 1988. The singer vehemently denies ever knowingly funding terrorism, and has condemned acts of violence against innocent people. He has, however, endorsed acts of violence against Fred Durst, who should be blown up by all means necessary.
Jimi Hendrix’s brother, Leon Hendrix, lost a bid to override his late father’s will (Al Hendrix had inherited all of his son Jimi Hendrix’s estate when the singer died in 1970), which had been edited to exclude Leon in 1997. He claims that his stepsister was behind getting the father to have Leon taken out, leaving only her and several unrelated beneficiaries to inherit the estate. After the ruling, Leon said, “This is the Hendrixes. This is the family right here, you know?the bloodline. Now I have to go through life actually having to work for my money instead of doing nothing but sitting on my ass and collecting fat checks every time a new updated special edition greatest hits collection comes out.”
Following up on a story that has been mentioned a number of times in this very column, Lil Kim’ is to be charged in February with lying to a grand jury investigating a shooting that occurred in 2001 betwixt her entourage and the entourage of Capone-N-Noreaga. However, her bodyguard (and former co-member of Junior M.A.F.I.A.), Suif Jackson, who was there at the time of the shooting, was convicted as the person who fired the gun that injured a member of Capone-N-Noreaga’s group, and was sentenced to 12 years in jail this past Wednesday. Kim had told a jury investigating the shooting that she had never met Jackson, even though they had both been in Junior M.A.F.I.A. and she had thanked him in the liner notes from one of her albums. The Saturday Swindle Sheet was able to get some third-party comments on the situation in an EXCLUSIVE interview with Lil Kim’s close friend and mentor Sean “Puff Diddy the Sycophantic Shithead” Combs, in which he said, “It seems as if Kim is in a tough situation here. I would have told her to blame it on Shyne, and pay him off to plead guilty, but since he’s already serving time for me, she’s kind of f*cked now, I guess.”
Elton John was recently ambushed by a flock of overaggressive paparazzi at Chiang Kai-shek International Airport in Taiwan, inciting visible rage from the singer. He shouted several expletives at the group as they surrounded him, calling them “rude vile pigs.” John’s publicist told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that the singer may have overreacting on account of going through menopause. That wasn’t funny. I’m so sorry, sometimes I rattle off some real stinkers. So, let’s just stick with a winner and say that 50 Cent looks like Don Flamenco. THAT’S GOLD!
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Marilyn Manson drummer Ginger Fish (né Kenny Wilson) sustained some significant injuries when he fell from the stage as the band performed at an event near Cologne, Germany. He was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for a fractured wrist and a mild concussion. It’s not known what caused the fall, although that shitstarter Lil Jon is probably responsible in some capacity.
This just in… Britney Spears’ supposed wedding might not have been real since they did not file the obligatory marriage license following the ceremony. Wait a minute… we have an even BIGGER story crossing over the wires, right now… I will be having McDonald’s for lunch tomorrow!
Damon Albarn has announced that the second Gorillaz album will feature co-production by hip-hop producer Danger Mouse. The group’s first release was co-produced by Albarn (who first saw fame with Brit-pop band Blur) and Dan “The Automator” Nakamura, who reportedly will not be featured on the new album.
Billy Joel has been given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which was unveiled last Monday. 50 Cent looks like the Hare Krishna zombie from Dawn of the Dead.
Actor Robert Downey Jr. recently signed a record contract with Sony Classical, and will be releasing a pop/jazz-type album sometime in the next year. He will sing as well as play the piano. The still untitled album will include covers of “Smile” by Charlie Chaplin, “Your Move” by Yes, and “I Don’t Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)” by Marilyn Manson. That last one was a joke, or was it…?
Religious fanatics in Malaysia have joined China in banning a single by Hong Kong pop singer Faye Wong, on account of a line that says, opium is warm and sweet. This is common in the mostly clerically run Muslim nation, which is known for deleting all references to violence, sex (including kissing) and nudity, drugs, and just about anything else fun from all marketed media.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is David Goforth of the InsidePulse wrestling section?
Two brief (-ish) notes of explanation: (1) I’m an aging punk rocker. Even before I started listening to punk rock, I was really very much into what you might call the more “aggro” end of classic rock, modern rock, etc. Whenever I listen to music late at night, it’s usually one of the rare occasions in which I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, I’m either quite drowsy or quite hyper; if the former, I’ll sleep rather than listen to music, and if the latter, my usual tendencies toward faster and louder are even more pronounced. However, there are those times in which I want to put on something a bit less thundering, so I’ll try to adopt that mindset for this column. These aren’t necessarily laid back songs; I’m just trying not to give you a list of
(2) When I’m in these moods, I usually listen to jazz (post-war, bop, hard bop, or post-bop). However, I don’t process jazz as individual compositions so much as collections of compositions (i.e. albums), so I’m going to skip that genre completely. For the sake of posterity, I’ll mention that my jazz favorites are John Coltrane, Grant Green, and Eric Dolphy, when I’m in more of a free jazz kind of mood. No country listed here. I like old timey country, but anyone who listens to it at midnight is probably crying in his or her beer, or whoopin’ it up and throwin’ his empties at the door. I don’t know enough about hip-hop to intelligently select music from that genre. So it’s all rock, all the time. Sorry, fans of diversity.
Roy Orbison, “Crying”
Okay, I’ll start with the one obvious one. I’m a sucker for high-pitch male vocals (Beach Boys, Neil Young, etc.) and this is about as good as the human voice has ever sounded. It’s really a simple song, but then again you don’t mix fine whiskey (or vodka, or whatever you prefer) with ingredients that hide its taste. When it’s late at night and I want to reaffirm my belief in human achievement, I listen to this song.
Sonic Youth, “Snarg, Girl”
Most folks seem to think Daydream Nation or (more correctly) Sister was their peak, but Washing Machine and A Thousand Leaves might be my favorite of all their albums. This song comes from the latter. Something about this song reminds me of an old educational television show I used to watch called “Read All About It.” It’s just my kind of creepy–the kind of creepy that you can’t precisely explain. It’s perfect for those nights when you’re contemplating whether you’re the only living being in the universe and reality is just an elaborate stage show conducted for your benefit.
The Kinks, “Oklahoma, USA”
The Kinks are my favorite band ever, and this is one of their starkest, prettiest tracks. I’ve heard this described as country rock, but if so it’s country more in the Carter Family sense. If all you know of the Kinks is “You Really Got Me,” then, well, actually that’s a great song too. But there’s a lot more out there. More on the Kinks later.
The Pyramids, “Penetration”
This could have easily been “Walk, Don’t Run,” “Surf Rider,” or “Pipeline,” but I went with what I considered to be the superior song, rather than the more famous one. If you haven’t guessed already, this is a surf instrumental, not in the “wet” style or the full speed ahead Dick Dale style, but more in the style of the songs I mentioned above. There’s an elegance to old rock and roll that seemed to have been lost circa 1967, and this song is about as elegant as anything I’ve ever heard. The Ventures did a neat version of this too, but it’s fromVentures in Space, so there’s sort of a Star Trek soundtrack quality to it. Listen to this one when you’re driving.
Radio Birdman, “I-94”
If you like surf, but can’t get past the no-vocal thing, then I really wonder what’s wrong with you. If you want a surf-influenced punk song, or a punk-influenced surf song, this is the one for you. Totally in the same vein as “Penetration,” this is a homesick Deniz Tek’s ode to his native Michigan, written on the other side of the world in Australia. The chorus is great: “Eskimo Pie, coming to you.” Another song to listen to while driving, preferably while driving home.
The Beach Boys, “Girl Don’t Tell Me”
This is the first Beach Boys song on which Carl sang lead vocals. It’s pretty stripped down for this era (immediately before Pet Sounds), most of the instrumentation coming from chimes/bells (or maybe xylophone, I’m bad at picking this sort of thing out) and guitar (no drums). It’s a really sweet song, with lyrics that I prefer to Brian’s “creepy man-child who stays in the attic” work from, oh, all his career. Listen to this when you’re thinking about high school, or better yet, when you’re thinking about 6th grade.
The Replacements, “Answering Machine”
I kind of consider this to be the grown up, 1980s version of “Girl Don’t Tell Me.” Again, no drumsâ€â€just a guitar this time. This one’s more about the ways that technology (okay, 1985 technology) does as much to alienate us from the ones we love as it does to keep us together. The heyday of the Replacements might mark the last time that rock music was sustaining forward development without having to cannibalize its past. This song was probably the highlight of their career (though arguments could also be made for “Little Mascara” or “Bastards of Young”). Listen to this song when you’re thinking about the past, wondering how different things could have been.
The Zombies, “Leave Me Be”
The Pyramids were elegant, but I don’t know that rock and roll ever was more so than during the half-decade in which the Zombies were together. “Time of the Season” is a good song, but “Leave Me Be” beats it in every way. Colin Blunstone comes in over a moody guitar with this classic first line: “If you think that I’m too quiet/That’s cause I’m missing her.” And then it goes on from there, building up to a rollicking, organ driven chorus in which Blunstone yells, “You better leave me be/Til I don’t need her anymore.” If you’ve ever heard Elvis Costello’s “I Want You,” this is like the superior 1960s version. I think you can probably think of a good time to listen to this one.
Phil and the Frantics, “I Must Run”
And what goes better with the Zombies than a band who blatantly ripped them off? Not just in the way that the Strokes are little more than a good record collection-more like the sort of shameless larceny committed by Elastica against Wire. Get this: the Zombies song in question is called “I Must Move.” Pretty much the only thing changed was the chorus. And that’s why this is on my list-the Frantics chorus was better. Add in the warbly, folk punk vocals, and you have a nifty (yes, nifty little pop nugget. Or pebble, since this is on Pebbles Volume 2. If you’re more of a Nuggets type person, try “It’s Cold Outside” by the Choir, which is on the Nuggets box set. Like “Leave Me Be,” this is good for the late night, “Why am I so miserable?” sessions.
Rolling Stones, “Play With Fire”
Today the Rolling Stones are like a Disneyland attraction, (literally) toothless museum artifacts. They still write songs about sex, but these songs either ring false or gross me out. But when they were real live young men, they wrote nasty, nasty songs. People usually site “Mother’s Little Helper,” “Under My Thumb,” or possibly “Brown Sugar” as examples of this, but I’ll pick this one. Like most of the songs on my list, it’s a very austere song, missing the countless layers of production required of every hit single today. This might be the purest version of what the Rolling Stones stood for in the Brian Jones days. Listen to it when you’re too pissed to go to sleep.
Elvis Costello, “Riot Act”
I hate to do it, but I’ve got to specify a version of this: the demo available on the Rykodisc version of Get Happy!!. Listen to this version and the version that appeared on the original album and you’ll know why I put this version on here. Yet another stripped down song, mostly just singing and guitar. Elvis never sounded any better, especially not during his “crooning” period. This is a pretty angry song, but not as angry as “Play With Fire.” I’d recommend listening to it after “Fire,” when you’re trying to reduce your blood pressure to the point that you can actually think about going to bed.
The Kinks, “Too Much on My Mind”
I swear, if you haven’t heard the Kinks’ work from 1966 to 1971, you’re missing out on the greatest rock and roll ever recorded. Listen to the six classic albums from these years and you’ll recognize the Who as the vastly inferior product which they really and truly are. You’ll grieve for the anemic state of the genreâ€â€not just today, but for the past thirty years. This is one of the Kinks’ best songs–a moody, slow-building earworm, complete with harpsichord (harpsichord!) and great vocal harmonies. Listen to this when you go out and buy Face to Face a good starting point for Kinks neophytes.
Neil Young, “Cripple Creek Ferry”
This is a weird one. I love songs like thisâ€â€it sounds like a short excerpt of a much longer story, just enough lyrical detail to create a sense of foreboding. This song ends without really satisfying you-there’s clearly a lot left unsaid. That might not sound like much fun, but that’s real life. Sometimes I don’t want resolution. Listen to this one when you’re ready to go to bed, regardless of who’s still up or what else the night might hold.
Ramones, “I Want You Around”
Less cultivated Ramones fans might be tempted to put “Boyfriend” on this list, but come on. This one’s much cooler. It’s the sort of song Carl Wilson could have written. Listen to it when Tommy Ramone dies, since he’s the last true Ramone left.
Velvet Underground, “Jesus”
I like to think of the four Velvet Underground albums (Squeeze don’t count) as sort of an extended treatise on addiction and recovery. This comes off the third, self-titled album, which I consider to be representative of the bottoming out period for a junkie. This song is a plea for help, an admission that nothing is going right and that pleading for divine intervention suddenly seems like an acceptable course of action. Hopefully you’ll never feel like this, but if so this is your song.
Some people go on longer, but I fear that I’m risking your attention span with all this old fart (mentally, not temporally) music. Okay, and I’ve also run out of songs. Let me just encourage everyone one last time to check out some of the cool old music of the 1960s and 70s. Of course, you might be like me and never go back to the contemporary stuff, but that’s the risk you run I guess.
Many thanks to David Goforth for taking part in what is one of the most resilient features ever, being able to overcome a cancellation from last week and return stronger than ever. You can’t keep us down! You CAN, however, send your questions and/or comments to dlbgoforth@4sternstaging.com, and check out his latest edition of Heroes and Villains.
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
INFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
Benny Benassi, “Satisfaction”
Deftones, “Mascara”
Plastic Bertrand, “Ca Plane Pour Moi”
FC Kahuna, “Everything Is Wrong”
Ministry, “Jesus Built My Hotrod”
Dusted, “If You Go Down to the Woods”
Blur, “Girls and Boys”
New Order, “Confusion”
The Distillers, “I Am a Revenant”
Roy Ayers, “Coffy Is the Color”
AFI, “The Nephilim”
Peanut Butter Wolf, “Rock Unorthodox”
Roxy Music, “Street Life”
Dead Voices on Air, “Ice Cream for Girl”
Skankin’ Pickle, “$13,000 Is a Lot of Food!”
Jesus Christ Superfly, “Dead End Days”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Sinead O’Connor took out a full-page ad in Ireland’s Examiner newspaper this past Friday, asking people to stop consistently making fun of her. The 2,000-word manifesto contained statements like, I don’t think there can be any person male or female from this country who has been as consistently lashed as I have been and always am no matter what I set out to do … If ye all think I am such a crazy person why do ye use me to sell your papers? … Please, I just want to be a little old lady now, and not be all controversial and not be bashed and called crazy and laughed at when I open my mouth to sing or speak. Purple monkey dishwasher!
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m coming back, I will return… And I’ll possess your body, and I’ll make you burn. I have the fire, I have the force; I have the power to make my evil take its course.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
