So there’s this girl, and she owns my heart. She’s actually owned it for a while now. In fact she’s the reason I am who I am. Let me explain.
I fancy myself a writer, but it’s not my career. I’ve pretty actively avoided having any semblance of a career. The reason why is because of her. Wait, I’m not being clear at all.
Y’see she and I aren’t together, and we haven’t been for a decent amount of time. Yet I still feel like she’s “the one.” Thus I’ve resisted growing roots to anything, waiting for that fateful day when she would call on me and we would live happily ever after.
I’d gladly work graveyard at 7-Eleven, if it meant waking up every morning to see her face. In a world where grand gestures of romance are few and far between, I decided to gamble a few years and a bit of potential on the woman that I believe is my soul mate. It may not be slaying a dragon, but its not quite chasing windmills either.
Though we now reside in separate states, we keep in touch. That’s how I found out she’d recently become engaged.
It didn’t come as a shock to me; they had been together for a while. And the guy’s a class act, I can’t hate on him.
Now lest you think this is all in my head; a couple of years ago, before I moved and before she was engaged, we were hanging out on a regular basis. There were moments that one could tell there was still something between us. It was far from unrequited it was just unrealized.
I didn’t act on it, not because I’m particularly honorable; I’ve been “the other guy” and broken up relationships on the past. I didn’t act on it, because when it’s important and when it really matters you want to do the right thing and have a clear conscience.
Even in hindsight, I don’t really regret not acting on it, because there was something undeniable between us. It was pure and acting would have just corrupted it with guilt.
Within a year she’ll be happily married and beginning a new life. As much as it pains me to see the one true goal that I had disappear, ultimately I know it’s for the best because now I can free myself to realize my potential.
” Mathan, what does this have to do with music “ you should be asking right about now. Well, I originally conceived this column to be a column that you could “listen to”, not unlike this column. So basically this is a column dedicated to her, with songs that capture how I feel or how I feel about her.
The Songs
Jagged Edge – Gotta Be
I hate Jagged Edge. I absolutely despise them. But this song speaks to something inside of me. It’s not the idea that you need to be with someone in order to be complete, but rather that fated. (This song doesn’t cross over into the category of “creepy” like some songs do, and that might be why it resonates with me.)
Total – Kissin’ You
This song’s here for more literal reasons, (although not completely literal since the singer’s a female.) Basically there are few things more pleasurable than kissing her and the act itself often occupies my thoughts.
Rafael Saadiq feat. D’angelo – Be Here
Again this song is present for how the concept translates literally. But it also speaks on the topic of longing, and emptiness.
Maxwell – Fortunate
This song is about how the right person can completely alter your outlook. I consider myself fortunate, because our times together account for some of my fondest memories. And beyond our romantic past, I’m grateful to have her as a friend. I honestly couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.
Lucy Pearl – Good Love
I guess this song appeals to my romantic nature. It’s kind of ironic that I placed it on list, since I didn’t heed its theme of not fighting my feelings.
Bilal – Soul Sista
I dig the concept of a “soul sista.” I can also appreciate the idea of something within you that words can’t describe. I have a degree in English, and I still struggle to accurately describe how I feel about her.
Lauryn Hill feat. D’angelo – Nothing Even Matters
This song was me. I would drop everything to see her when we were hanging out a few years back. She was really my primary focus. She had my undivided attention. And she’s still got my hearts devotion.
Terry Ellis – Wherever You Are
This song might have well been my mantra. It’s how I lived my life. That’s why I’m sure most of my professors would be disappointed in me and my current station in life. But how strong can a love be if you didn’t sacrifice for it?
Cody ChesnuTT – No One Will
Again this song is about being utterly devoted to someone, and giving yourself completely to someone.
The Beach Boys – God Only Knows
I don’t know how this got on the list. But I’m guessing it’s because it speaks to the profound influence one person can have on another. She dramatically altered my life, and so much so that I couldn’t imagine it without her, in some capacity.
Ryan Adams feat. Marianne Faithful – English Girls Approximately
This song is here because at 4:40 into the song, Adams sings “Just three words my love; you meant everything”, and that’s exactly how I feel.
Christopher John – The World Has Turned and Left Me Here
Covers usually suck. But this Weezer cover is so full of melancholy emotion that it sets itself apart for the original. It’s a somber affair, and it speaks to the occasional sadness that I feel.
Pete Yorn – Turn of the Century
This song captures my feeling of pondering the future. There are times that I wonder what the future holds for us, if anything at all.
Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should’ve Come Over
The idea of sacrificing for love is best exemplified here. I’d give up my music collection if it meant we would grow old together. I’d stop writing and work at a factory if I could spend the rest of my life with her.
Badly Drawn Boy – How?
This song captures my feeling of wanting to give my all, and knowing that it’s not enough. The feeling of inadequacy is especially strong, considering she’s in the medical field and I’m a slacker.
The Cardigans – If There is a Chance
The concept of optimism is why this song made the list. I wish her nothing but happiness, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll give up my hearts desire.
Radiohead – True Love Waits
This song closes the disc. It’s about devotion and faith; two things that are so much a part of my being, they’re tattooed on me.
So there you have it. I’ve completely poured my heart out. Stop gawking and read this stuff.
The Wire
Cam claims to be “controversial.” He attacks Nas, which means he’s not going to be happy with next week’s column.
Jeff claims to have the “last” Jukebox. He also apologizes profusely, but he’s still a phenomenal read.
Gordi claims to have “good” Christmas music. He starts his column with links! He’s crazy like a fox.
Gloomchen claims to, um. I got nothing. But read her always stellar work.
Tom claims to have the “Top Metal Albums.” But what about Nelly, he went platinum. Heyo!
Will adds his two cents to Beyond The Encore. I really enjoyed it. Read it and respond.
Lost
Jim claims to hate Christmas parties. I don’t believe him.
Melchor, claims to have the final installment Headbanger’s Ball Tour coverage. But I suspect he’ll be a roadie in no time.
Ian claims to have good news for me. Wait, he actually does.
411 claims to have the Hottest Women in Music, yet Beyonce is #10. Ya buggin’!! Unless Taral Hicks, Alicia Keys, Tweet, Keisha from Total, and J-Lo are the top five that list is complete and utter nonsense.
Five Songs I’m Ashamed To Be “Feelin”
1. Ashanti – Only U
2. Destiny’s Child – Lose My Breath
3 Jamie Cullum – High and Dry
4. The Game feat. 50 Cent – How We Do
5. Usher feat. Alicia Keys – My Boo
