THE YEAR IN JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
January
Vince McMahon and the Smackdown crew were reported to have slept in one of Saddam Hussein’s former palaces during a trip to Iraq. While most of the superstars felt uncomfortable, Bob Holly and Bradshaw felt like they had finally found their place in the world in the rape rooms.
Vince McMahon was reportedly still looking forward to the Brock Lesnar/Bill Goldberg match. Vince declared, “This is going to be the biggest money match of all time! Nothing can go wrong! NOTHING!”
Many of the WWE superstars were fearful of roster cuts. Chief among them was Lance Storm, but he shouldn’t worry. I’m sure his roster spot isn’t in jeopardy.
Goldberg seemed to want to do the right thing, living up to his contractual obligations despite being banged up. Goldberg then speared and ate a baby.
Brock Lesnar’s elbow surgery was more complicated than the experts predicted, meaning that he would have to spend more time out of the ring than everyone thought. But he’d be back. The man is a Viking!
Management was high on the Matt Cappotelli/Rene Dupree matches at house shows. I have a feeling those two are going to have a huge year!
It was announced that Sable and Torrie Wilson would pose nude together in a highly anticipated Playboy. Less anticipated? The nude Kidman and Marc Mero spread in Bland and Overrated Weekly.
Maven took a short hiatus while his mother was in the hospital. And the wrestling world crumbled in his absence.
Kevin Nash confirmed he was no longer affiliated with WWE and was looking forward to living his dream of continuing to age horribly.
A huge backstage meeting took place at both Raw and Smackdown, where Vince told his superstars to give it all, and yes, he was looking at you, Val Venis. Pick up your f*cking game Morely, or so help me God I’ll rip off your skin and chew on your bare muscles. It was a big morale booster for all.
At the meeting, wrestlers were told to emulate a recent Triple H/Shawn Michaels match. Rhyno immediately started giving twenty minute boring promos where he prayed to Jesus a lot.
Vince McMahon was telling Coach what to say on Raw when Coach replaced Jerry Lawler. Coach said some racist stuff and spent more time bugging the announcer than paying attention to the matches. In other news, Coach is Chris Hyatte. (Love you Chris. I miss you.)
Vince McMahon was upset about Wrestlemania XX leaks, as it was reported that Benoit would win the Royal Rumble and Kurt Angle would turn heel to feud with Eddie. Vince swore fatwah on Bob Ryder.
Vince McMahon told his wrestlers not to speak to the net, thus ending my torrid yet loving affair with Booker T. Say what you will about him, his hands are gentle when he strokes your cheek.
Tommy Dreamer was so afraid of being fired he briefly ignored the brutal and unendingly constant pain he lives with every day. It was the greatest thirty seconds of his life.
Spanky gave his notice and left WWE. First Maven, then Spanky. The wrestling world was truly in deep shit.
Hollywood began to doubt the Rock’s drawing power. Rock didn’t fret, knowing that he would win them all back with Walking Tall. Oh yes, Walking Tall would be the greatest movie of all time. He had a board in that movie. If they didn’t come for the Rock, they’d come for the board.
Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart wanted to start up their own wrestling promotion, and thus they did in Hulk Hogan’s backyard. Hogan is still heavyweight champ, Hart is his manager and one match has yet to take place.
Hogan dropped out of the planned NWA:TNA PPV, but it would take place with out him very soon. Any day now. Here is comes.
The Insane Clown Posse announced they were heading to TNA. See! They don’t need Hogan! They have two white rappers in make up.
Test suffered some kind of mouth pain. Oh man. Too easy.
Jerry Lynn was told by TNA, a company he helped build with AJ Styles, that they would not be booking him anymore. Having burnt all of his bridges, Jerry Lynn went back to the medical experiments that brought him to the game. He now has ten nipples and two toes.
Vince Russo was once again involved with TNA, yet no midget stripper tag teams. Odd.
Hulk Hogan appeared on Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel’s wife was furious.
Benoit won the Royal Rumble and Lesnar defended his title against Bob Holly and Satan felt a little chilly.
Benoit jumped to Raw so he could begin to do what we all predicted he would do, job a lot to Triple H. Just wait for it.
Former WWF president Jack Tunney passed away. His presidential burial took place at a dumpster behind a Wendy’s.
Matt Morgan was injured at a house show. First Maven. Then Spanky. NOW MATT MORGAN?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT GOD? WHAT MORE?
Jeff Hardy was rumored to be rejoining WWE. He would appear on Raw as part of the new women’s division. Plans fell through when Jeff said, and I quote, “The coyote told me you’d come for my neck hair,” to a potted plant in Vince’s office.
Johnny Fairplay joined TNA, leading many to wonder who the hell and what the f*ck?
Backstage heat was put on Bob Holly for injuring Matt Morgan. He promised that it would never happen again.
Kevin Nash was stabbed while filming The Punisher, resulting in a sharp pain shooting through his body. To feel what he felt, rent The Punisher, starring Kevin Nash!
Gail Kim was injured. First Maven. Then Spanky. Then Matt Morgan. Now Gail Kim. I don’t know how we made it out of January without hanging ourselves.
February
Tammy Lynn Sytch, better known as Sunny, announced her retirement from professional wrestling to be a stewardess and continue to live out her life long dream of writing a segment in Chris Hyatte’s column. Hyatte became enraged when the outlets that reported the news made no mention of how Tammy was currently a writer for 411mania.com and featured in his column. Hyatte managed to rationalize why Tammy failed to mention her retirement in her own column he had procured for her on the site and spent a good deal of his column talking about what assholes those in the IWC are. Way to go Hyatte! There is absolutely no ironic twist to this story that makes Hyatte look bad in any way. None.
Nope, no ironic twist at all. Hyatte is still king.
The Big Show was having knee problems due to all of the jumping and running he does during his matches.
The WWE continued to be very high on Heidenreich. They thought that he needed some work, but after correcting a few flaws he would be just crappy enough to have a high profile feud with The Undertaker.
WWE signed about 8 million new divas that never appeared on television but all made brief appearances on Randy Orton.
WWE considered creating a hardcore brand in ECW to go up against WWE. The idea was awesome and revolutionary at first, but soon other ideas started copying it and stealing from the first idea and eventually the first idea couldn’t even pay its talent and died with Rhyno as its champion.
The Raw rating dipped back into the threes after a strong 4.0 performance. Vince blamed Internet reporting and declared fatwah on Meltzer.
WWE shockingly got rid of Zach Gowen but signed his fake leg to a multimillion dollar contact and a guaranteed Wrestlemania main event by 2006.
Mark Henry had shoulder surgery and was slated to be out for a long time. First Maven. Then Spanky. Then Matt “Captain” Morgan. Then Gail Kim. Now Mark Henry. It was at this point I began seriously drinking.
Chyna and Lex Luger were slated to make their debut in TNA. Chyna and Luger. Yeah. That’ll bring Vince to his knees, Jeff.
Despite his crippling injury that destroyed the wrestling business, experts predicted that Maven would either be the newest member of Evolution or a crappy average heel who attacked a retard. Guess who was right?
Kurt Angle gave an interview where he said that the storylines were a little stale”¦ IN BED! Hey, that joke doesn’t always work.
Scott Steiner did not join the Raw brand for a Japanese tour, baffling critics with WAY too much time on their hands to be baffled by bullshit like this.
Wrestlers began to grumble about the length of time Chris Nowinski was out with his concussions. When they found out his injuries were career ending, the wrestlers sorta shuffled their feet and looked down at the ground and mumbled, “Sorry bout that.”
Brock Lesnar began telling friends he was sick of the travel schedule in WWE and would leave if he could make the same money in a different profession. Don’t worry, he’ll stick around. The man is a Viking!
Rasheed Wallace was traded from the Portland Trailblazers to the Atlanta Hawks while sitting in the front row at Monday Night Raw. This was a throw back to the old days when people would leave Raw to go to Atlanta all the time.
Chris Kanyon recovered from being dead to make his way back to the ring, only to be benched by WWE officials and then released. Damnit! I knew I shouldn’t have spent all my money printing up those “Who Better Than Kanyon” t-shirts, yet I did anyway. I hope you’re happy, Kanyon. You’ve crippled my family.
WWE continued the firings by releasing Ernest Miller. Ernest called his momma to inform her he was moving back in.
Despite Ernest being fired, there were still high hopes for his lackey Lamont. Oh yeah. This was his year.
Ed “Brutus Beefcake” Leslie caused an anthrax scare in a Boston subway when his cocaine was mistaken for the virus. You know what? Fine, we can judge him, we can laugh at him, but can any one of us claim that we haven’t had our bag of cocaine mistaken for anthrax? I thought not.
It was reported that WWE’s long term goal was to have Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H as the main event of Wrestlemania XXI. That is going to work out most splendidly.
There were rumors that Triple H wanted a quick end to his feud with Benoit so he could feud with Edge. Or maybe Chris Jericho. Or did he still want to fight with Benoit? Triple H couldn’t tell those wacky Canucks apart. So long as they were on the mat with their shoulders down, they were cool.
HUGE NEWS WAS REPORTED! THE COACH IS WELL LIKED BACKSTAGE! STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! COACH: NICE PERSON!
Maven’s mother unfortunately passed away. This tragedy left us wondering if Maven would ever return to save wrestling. Good news is on the way, people.
Jim Ross commented on the releases of Ernest Miller, Kanyon and Zach Gowen, saying, “Fuck em.”
Tommy Dreamer went down to OVW to whittle away the rest of his career.
At No Way Out, Jaime Noble kicked the crap out of Nidia in an “End of Both Our Relevancies” match. Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas beat the APA when Shelton pinned Bradshaw (JOBBER!). Chavo won the cruiserweight title, Kurt Angle earned a title shot at Wrestlemania and Goldberg speared Brock Lesnar, helping Eddie to win the Smackdown championship! The build up to the earth shaking Goldberg-Brock match was in full effect.
Vince McMahon reportedly wanted Bret Hart at Wrestlemania XX. Bret Hart, meanwhile, just wanted to be left alone with his only friends”¦ his tears.
It was reported that Triple H was behind getting Shawn Michaels involved in the main event at Wrestlemania. That’s odd, as for most of Hunter’s career Shawn Michaels was behind Triple H. You know? Boning him? Okay, glad we cleared that up.
After his appearance at No Way Out, Goldberg had only one date left on his WWE contract, and it was to be used for his match against Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania. Build up was going to be a small problem, but Vince would figure it out!
Jake “The Snake” Roberts was arrested for starving his snake to death. Blame the guy all you want, but how can we look down on a man so poor he needs to eat his snake’s rats?
Oh, and Jake Roberts loves coke and is really fat.
Eddie Guerrero appeared on V-H1’s “TV’s Illest Minority Moment.” The number 1 moment? When that bike shop guy f*cked Gary Coleman.
Despite being advertised, Chyna did not show up to the TNA filming she was supposed to be at as she was making a film of her own.
Nash and Hall reunited as the Outsiders to fight Christopher Daniels and Tom Howard at a UPW show. Then they spent 20 minutes f*cking around on the mike and Nash low blowed Hall for no good reason. Those two have the right idea. Make it big, then f*ck around with your friends for the rest of your life. Just awesome.
A rumor was reported that Shaniqua would jump from Smackdown to Raw, but instead she was canned for sucking. And so it goes.
Shawn Michaels worked through a torn ACL in February, proving once and for all conclusively that Jesus does exist.
In a recurring stories from January, Bob Holly was still a dick and Jeff Hardy was possibly returning to WWE. Yes and no.
HOLY CRAP! HUGE NEWS WAS REPORTED: JOHN CENA WELL LIKED! OH MY GOD! WOW!
WWE Superstars were reportedly upset over the signing of two Playboy playmates because they’re gay.
There was a major battle between Raw and Smackdown for the right to use Edge. In retrospect, neither side really won.
Speaking of Edge, just when he was ready to come back he injured himself again while shaking off ring rust in OVW. “You think you know OW!”
Stone Cold Steve Austin was developing his own beer, as well as a line of beauty products for abused women of drunken husbands to use to cover the bruises they made their men give them.
March
Bret told Vince to go screw himself in regards to Wrestlemania XX. “Vince, screw Vince.”
Mick Foley told Randy Orton to legitimately bust his eye open. Not one to say no to so respected a veteran as Mick Foley, Randy punched the shit out of Mick’s eye and hurt his hand. The moral of the story? Mick Foley needs to chill out.
The Rock returned to Raw to team up with Mick Foley against Evolution. The Rock had on his evil goatee but was acting like a good guy. Could a man with goatee be nice? NEVER!
Scott Steiner suffered a leg or groin injury. First Maven. Then Spanky. Then Matt Morgan. Then Gail Kim. Then Mark Henry. Now Scott Steiner. It was at this point I began to save up for the gun that would end my now meaningless life.
Hurricane Helms was stopped at the Canadian border because he had a bottle of fat burning supplements that contained Ephedra. He got out of this misunderstanding without any trouble, but this did not stop the f*cking website dickwads from using the headline: Hurricane stopped at the Canadian border with illegal drug. What a bunch of dickwads.
Heh.
Heh heh heh.
Oh man. Here we go. Oh boy.
Rob Feinstein of RF Video and Ring of Honor was caught by perverted-justice.com Philadelphia’s NBC 10 attempting to have sex with a 14 year old boy. Rob was upset that he was fooled on the Internet and caught on camera, but was even more upset that he did not get to have sex with the 14 year old boy.
Chris Hyatte was said to be shocked that a person could be fooled by someone pretending to be someone else online. Hyatte’s still the king, baby.
Feinstein immediately resigned from his positions as part-owner of Ring of Honor and closed down RF Video. Say what you will about the man, but he sure knows how to run and hide when he’s caught trying to f*ck a kid.
On a flight from Kansas City to Atlanta, Bradshaw reportedly had a few too many drinks and started making a scene. As a result, Johnny Ace yelled at all of the Smackdown wrestlers to behave better on flights. The Big Show stood up and told Ace that if management had a problem, they should find the person who caused the problem and punish them instead of yelling at everyone. And boy o boy, was Bradshaw going to be punished. This was going to be a crappy year for him.
Raymond “Hercules” Fernandez passed away at the age of 45 due to a heart attack that was not brought on by years of steroid abuse. He is survived by Glory, Paul Roma.
John Cena broke his wrist but managed to work through the pain. Eh. Cena is small potatoes.
Many wrestlers and personalities including Bobby Heenan, Abyss, and Low Ki all decided to publicly separate themselves from Ring Of Honor for some reason. Probably that its owner had just been caught trying to take the anal virginity of a 14 year old boy, but hey, maybe they got sick of the same food platter every week. No one can be sure.
Vince briefly considered bringing back WCW, then considered bringing back ECW, the considered bringing back Jeff Hardy, then”¦ Hey! Titties! Look at those!
Brock Lesnar, who had been working as hard as he could to build up interest in what would surely be the life affirming match of decade against Bill Goldberg without Bill Goldberg to help promote it, announced that after Wrestlemania he would be leaving for the NFL. He wanted to try out with the Minnesota Vikings. He”¦ my god. I’ve been calling him a Viking the entire time! Well, I’m sure it’ll work out for him.
At the Smackdown where Lesnar made this announcement backstage, Torrie and Sable got into a fight as did Ron Simmons and The Big Show. See, Torrie and Sable were upset about something that”¦ hold on a second. Ron Simmons got into a fight with The Big Show? RON SIMMONS IS THE FUCKING MAN! Oh man. “I’m gonna fight me a 500 pounder!” Ron Simmons rules all.
Mick Foley dropped fifty pounds while training for Wrestlemania. Luckily he noticed immediately and picked Dewey back up.
On an ESPN radio show Triple H said he never used steroids, then stated he only used steroids when doctors prescribed them for his torn quad. Then he said, “If you’ll please excuse me, I have some illegal steroids to take.”
Vince, Linda, Stephanie and Hunter were all on hand to ring the stock market’s opening bell on the Friday before Wrestlemania. A small problem arose ten minutes before the opening was scheduled to take place when Vince McMahon started shouting, “RING THE DAMN BELL!” Earl Hebner appeared from out of nowhere and started running for the exit.
Steve Austin and Billy Gunn may have gotten into an altercation on the Friday before Wrestlemania. Steve may have started swinging as he was drinking and Billy’s long hair made Austin think he was a chick.
Debra Marshall, Steve Austin and Mongo McMichael’s ex-wife, was auctioning off her wedding ring on e-bay and donating part of the profit to Safe Place, a charity for victims of spousal abuse. Steve handled the news well, saying, “I’LL KILL HER!”
It was also reported that Molly Holly is a devout Christian and will not appear in Playboy. She also likes spending time with other devout Christians like Shawn Michaels and Charles Robinson. However, she lost her faith and became a Buddhist monk, shaving her head bald.
Test, Matt Hardy and Lita were all left off the card for Wrestlemania XX. See, they’d all been giving the correct number of blowjobs, the only problem is that they’d been giving them to one another. You guys gotta branch out.
Bobby Heenan, Tito Santana, Billy Graham, Harley Race, Don Muraco, Sgt. Slaughter, Greg Valentine, Big John Studd, the Junkyard Dog, Pete Rose and I were inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. The others and I didn’t think Pete belonged up there with us after all we’ve given to the business, but oh well.
Nikita was fired from WWE. Yes. I know. Who?
At Wrestlemania, Trish turned on Jericho and made out with Christian. Evolution beat The Rock and Sock connection. Eddie beat Kurt in an outstanding match, and Chris Benoit shocked the world when he beat Triple H and Shawn Michaels to become the Raw champion. It was a great PPV with quite possibly my favorite match of all time featured, Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar with Steve Austin as the special ref.
See, that was what they’d been building to. WWE had really placed an incredible amount of money on this match, on these three competitors. The only problem was that after it was done, all three would pretty much be gone. If Lesnar had held off on his announcement, everything they did would have worked perfectly. The crowd would have been behind Lesnar, some behind Goldberg, and they could have afforded to have had what can only be described as a Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant type match. But the fans, they know, especially the New York fans. There was no reason to root for one over the other. Both had the same distain for the business, both saw themselves as bigger than what they were. The crowd knocked them both down a few pegs on the way out. It is beautiful to see what happens when two people are so sure of a certain reaction that they come up with a plan to play to that reaction, only to receive the opposite reaction and not change their plan at all. “This match sucks.” Oh man. Like angels singing in my ears.
Oh, and Undertaker came back with Paul Bearer, who was either fatter or skinnier. I forget.
There was a big after party at the Hilton Hotel. Triple H got a little drunk and grabbed Chris Benoit’s belt. He then held it way up in the air and laughed as Benoit leapt for it in vain. Shawn chuckled a bit, then asked himself what Jesus would do, then passed out from the blood loss.
After Wrestlemania Kurt Angle admitted what WWE officials had feared, that he was experiencing numbness for awhile. So he works as hard as he can for his company at his own peril, simply because Wrestlemania is the biggest show of the year. Kurt, on behalf of your wife, you’re a dick.
After her boyfriend quit wrestling, Sable’s implant began leaking. Marc Mero walked by, whistling, slowly putting the dart gun into his pocket.
Jaime Noble was injured at a house show. First Maven. Then Spanky. Then Matt Morgan. Then Gail Kim. Then Mark Henry. Then Scott Steiner. Now Jaime Noble. Why even continue to breathe air? I turned on the car in my closed garage and sucked in that sweet carbon dioxide.
There was a huge lottery to place new wrestlers on new shows! Rene Dupree went to Smackdown, breaking up La Resistance. Shelton Benjamin went to Raw, breaking up TWGTT. Mark Jindrack went to Smackdown, casting Garisson Cade into oblivion. In a huge, world changing event Nidia was picked to go to Raw! Then Triple H was picked to go to Smackdown. Raw recappers all over the world rejoiced. Raw responded harshly by taking away the jewel of Smackdown, Rhyno. RVD went to Smackdown. Tajiri went to Raw. Theodore Long went to Smackdown. Edge went to Raw. Spike Dudley went to Smackdown, and Paul Heyman went to Raw. As Paul was the GM of Smackdown, he quits rather than work for Eric. Then giant cartoon foot came down and squashed all of them and some British guys began to sing about something. Truly a night that changed everything! Smackdown now belonged to Triple H!
Or, instead Hunter whines and Booker T and Dudleys wind up on Smackdown instead. Whatever.
Oh, and oddly enough Bradshaw seemed to be getting a little push on Smackdown that week. Seems Farooq was fired (WHY GOD) and Bradshaw has taken on the name JBL and is doing the Million Dollar Man act. Eh. I’m sure it won’t go anywhere. The guy’s a JOBBER FOR LIFE! Hey, he should be called JFL!
Stone Cold was arrested for beating up another girlfriend. It’s like his crack.
Goldberg bad mouthed WWE, saying he felt like he was in a circus that paid him LOTS of money. Jerk.
Nidia went to Raw because she wanted to wrestle. That worked out well for her I think.
Some idiot threw a cup of soda at Eddie Guerrero’s daughter while they were in the ring dancing with their dad. Some idiot is survived by some idiot’s wife and his idiot kids.
Everyone is sort of talking about this new guy, Nick Dinsmore. Seems he has a retarded character or something. Yeah, like THAT’LL draw.
April through June coming soon! Jeez I spent a lot of time on this. More than three people better read it! Jerks.
