On February 10, The Bootleg column will come to an end after a three-year run, first on 411Mania and then here on Inside Pulse. And, I can’t think of any better way to say “thank you” to my readers than to offer up the biggest giveaway in Bootleg histo-ray. One lucky reader will win a brand-new Apple iPod Nano! Thanks to everyone who entered. And, for details on the status of the contest, scroll down to the bottom of The Goodness”¦
Welcome back to The Bootleg. Last May, in this very ring space, I passed along the possibility that my job could be relocating my department to Reston, Virginia. The whole convoluted rumor involved internal business buzzwords like “reorganizing” and “core competencies”, yet after a few weeks of steam, our management changed course and assured us that we would be remaining in San Diego.
After the events of this week, it’s obvious that I must’ve missed it when my management was exaggeratingly gesturing towards themselves, when they said “we”.
This past Tuesday, I was in the middle of my 30 minute “power down” that immediately precedes my lunch hour. Somewhere between the cutting and/or pasting of internet articles into Microsoft Word files (giving off the illusion of paid labor), my boss came by and asked if I was available”¦”for a conference”.
I’m so used to the word “call” following that sentence, that I absentmindedly grabbed a notebook and spun out of my chair, nearly knocking over my boss, who hadn’t moved.
“Y’know, what”¦let’s talk outside”, he said.
Well, that got my attention. And, it also answered my life-long question of how would it feel if my head were to ever spontaneously combust. In fact, it’s funny, but during our 30- second stroll down The Green Mile of file cabinets, my thoughts were probably a lot like those of every other soon-to-be-executed convict:
Where did I go wrong and how did this cracka catch me?
At that moment, I could clearly see myself getting fired in the fresh air. The locals call it a “California canning” and, admittedly, it is devilishly delicious in its simplicity, sounding something like:
“Isn’t it a great day out here, Aaron?! I wish I didn’t get to go back to work!”
My fears, however, were ultimately unfounded. In fact, the reason behind all the administrative alfresco was so my boss could formally offer me an opportunity to join our sister facility just outside of Washington DC.
So, basically, my boss would still be getting rid of me and he’d get to collect the built-in accolades that come with our exciting employee referral program. Meanwhile, I’m left to wonder if a comedic character, not named Frasier Crane, can change coasts and maintain his ratings.
And, come on”¦The Goodness has gotta be better than Matt LeBlanc.
He’s Officially 42 Years Old, Time to Drop the ‘Lil'”¦
Alright, everyone, it’s time to choose up sides. In the blue corner, we have 116 lbs of shirtless worthlessness”¦from the lost city of Atlantis“¦rapper Lil’ Wayne!
And, in the red corner”¦so lazy and surly“¦fresh from one of their contractually mandated eight breaks a day”¦The Teamsters!
It seems that the two sides ran afoul of each other during the video shoot for Wayne’s latest Casio-beat sounding single Hustler Musik. According to numerous news stories, the dispute revolved around”¦wait, this can’t be right”¦the number of union bus drivers hired to work on the set?!
When did video shoots start requiring caravans? And, on the set, no less. I’m sorry, I just never considered the 50-yard walk to the lunch truck as something that needed buses and field trip permission slips. Anyways, The Teamsters shut the video shoot down by walking off the set and”¦wait for it”¦picketing the premises. As if we needed anymore evidence that grown men who publicly carry placards deserve our derision.
Order was restored a few hours later as both sides came to terms on a two-day contract. And, I can’t be the only one who thinks that this is about 47 hours and 45 minutes longer than anything involving Lil’ Wayne and his inexplicable fame.
That’s right”¦a “15 minutes of fame” joke. I am officially on auto-pilot, at this point, people.
The Pink & Black Attack”¦
Admittedly, I’m not much of a fan, so I’ll have to ask the masses: Has Pink always been such a cesspool of comedic possibilities? Everyone’s favorite post-op pop star is at it again, as the buzz for her new video, Stupid Girls has officially reached absurd, Super-Bowl-week hyperbole. The video includes images of Pink poking
(insert “pause” to further stretch out the “she’s-a-man” material”¦)
fun at pseudo-celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson. OK”¦when freakin’ Pink is dispensing the parodies, I almost wanna root for the media-created-their-fame females whom she’s attacking.
I said “almost””¦I just need a few Pink quotes to complete my heel turn against her:
“As of Monday, when the video’s out, I’m going to have to wear a bulletproof vest.”
So, that’s what happens when you combine Kevlar with “who cares?””¦ Does Pink not know these three divas could buy her, sell her or decide not to buy her”¦like a slave on lay-a-way? And, if Paris can avoid that whole syphilis-cum-sterility stigma, the same can be said about all of their eventual offspring.
“My PR has already got so many calls from a bunch of women who think I’m (targeting) them, but I don’t care. I grab the phone myself and I’m like, ‘Yeah? What do you want?!'”
Have I really been missing out on identical quotes like these, from Pink, over the years? This is some “ghetto white girl” noise if I’ve ever read it. All Pink is missing is the perfectly-crafted “blaccent”, the beaded-out braids that Black folk haven’t worn since Serena Williams turned 16 and 100 10 more pounds.
Now that I think about it”¦wasn’t there once a tag team with the exact same make-up?
Make Mine Papa John’s
Jessica Simpson is once again teaming up with Pizza Hut for another insufferable ad campaign. During Sunday’s Super Bowl broadcast, the same gimmicky pizza chain that brought us Bigfoot, stuffed crust and commercials with the late Tommy Davidson, will debut a new spot featuring Simpson satirizing her music video These Boots Are Made for Walkin’.
In order to push Pizza Hut’s sure-to-be-sh*tty “cheesy bites”, Simpson will “sing” the slightly tweaked tune These Bites Are Made for Poppin’. Wait, it gets better”¦during the 60-second ad, Simpson will toss these gooey turds into the mouths of “customers”, who don’t realize that after six hours of shooting, the cheese has congealed into a cold, oily”¦whoops”¦kind of got off on a stomach-turning tangent there, didn’t I?
Well, let’s not quite get back on track by asking if there’s anyone who really thinks that Jessica Simpson is attractive? I just can’t get past that creepy, cemented grin, kids. Hell, if her movie career had started 20 years ago, she’d be stealing scenes from Michael Keaton.
Instead, she spent the summer stealing eight dollars from everyone else.
It Was the Good of Times”¦It Was the Blurst of Times?!
Proving that the media whore doesn’t fall too far from the self-serving tree, Kanye West’s dad, Ray, is speaking out against”¦Kanye West. The sociology professor has publicly implored his boy to ease up on what Papa West calls “the degradation of African-Americans” in his son’s songs. Specifically, he’d like to see Kanye kill the use of “n*gga” and “b*tch” from his lyrics. In Ray West’s own words:
“It’s alright to say ‘b*tch’ on the (street) corner, but when you start operating on a different level, you can’t talk like that.”
Now, far be it for me to defend Mr. “I need Jesus, like Kathie Lee needs Regis”, but it sounds like Old Man Ray has forgotten just who paid for that soapbox that he’s currently standing atop. In fact, me thinks somebody needs a Black History Month reminder on The Son & The Father.
Y’see, 30 years ago, there was another man”¦proud and noble”¦who cut a dashing paternal profile. He’d work two or three jobs, bringing in these meager wages in hope of providing for his family. Then, without warning, his son became an overnight sensation. T-shirts, television, the sky was the limit.
Father was not pleased.
He pissed, bitched and moaned to anyone would listen until, eventually”¦he was killed. Now, you might know The Father. And, I doubt anyone remembers The Son, but I guess at the end of the day he’s still more famous than this son.
I mean, how did Ralph Carter fall off the face of the earth in the ’80s? The entire decade was essentially The Renaissance for The Beige Bruthas. Stoney Jackson was working steady, The Cosby Show introduced Elvin and Macy Gray was still the starting point guard for the Boston Celtics.
(She’s still mine for one more week, Joe Reid.)
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Wow, the Bootleg is finally coming to a close.
Well, let’s get right to it. We recapped what went right in Hip Hop in 2005 and 2006’s already a month old with nothing to show for it (save for one “little” incident, which I’ll address briefly). Several established artists that have changed labels and some newcomers are (still) waiting to drop their albums. Here’s what I’m looking forward to for the rest of the year:
VETERANS’ DAY
Nas on Def Jam
I was worried that it might be too late for him. Street’s Disciple wasn’t his worst effort. It wasn’t his best, either. I’ve been a huge fan of Nas since Illmatic and will always give his records a chance. With Jigga working with him, don’t pretend you don’t want to at least hear it.
Busta Rhymes on Aftermath
I’ve NEVER bought a Busta Rhymes album. Not that I don’t like him, I just always viewed him as a guy who dropped a couple hot singles, but the albums left a little to be desired (and can you argue that that’s how he has been marketed). He was putting albums out once a year for a while, there. However, he’s taken his time while working with Dr. Dre and others for The Big Bang. The three tracks that I’ve heard (I’ll Hurt You, Touch It and Where’s Your Money feat ODB) in the last few months are all hot (even if some of them don’t make the album) and show that Busta has been hard at work in the lab. There’s no denying that he’s poised to get even bigger than he is.
Mobb Deep and M.O.P. on G-Unit
OK, I actually have high hopes for this, misguided or not. If these guys just make the music they normally make with an enhanced marketing-moneymaking machine behind them and a decent business deal, it should be the albums everyone has been waiting for. AND they’ll finally get paid. (Which is nice for them.)
CL Smooth – American Me
WHAT?? Yes, CL Smooth is back in 2006. I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard some of his new tracks. Dude sounds resurrected with some good beats, and mind you hot beats with a 1992 flow doesn’t amount to sh*t in 2006, but he’s stepped his game up lyrically, too. He’s supposedly going to drop an EP first, and then an album. Don’t expect a Pete Rock reunion, though.
Ghostface and Raekwon solo albums
Ghost has proven he still has it with The Pretty Toney Album. Expect Fishscale to be hot, too and for Ghost to get the recognition he deserves this time. It’s Raekwon that has something to prove as his two follow ups to Only Built For Cuban Linx have flopped. It sounds like he’s pulling out all the stops with producers and guests, as well as dangerously naming it Only Built For Cuban Linx 2. Gulp.
READY TO TAKE OVER
Joe Budden
OK, so obviously Joe already dropped an album a few years back, so it’s not like he’s new. He’s kept fans happy with multiple mixtapes, which arguably are better than many “rappers'” full-fledged commercial album releases. Joe has skills and is on Def Jam, one of Hip Hop’s premier labels. Will he get the support from President Carter? Or is their roster flooded with so many artists that Joe will get pushed to the background? If they have resources to produce Ja Rule’s greatest hits and a NORE album they can spend some time and cash on Budden.
Papoose
The mixtape king recently dropped ANOTHER album A Threat and a Promise through DJ Kay Slay’s Streetsweepers series. I think he’s in double digits over the last year and change for “mixtape” albums. I’ll take what I can get as he most likely wants to make sure his money is right before signing a deal and doing an official release. However, the clock is ticking.
Saigon
Here’s the artist I really want to hear from the most this year. He’s been bubbling underground for years now and is positioned to make his mark in 06. The fact that Just Blaze signed him to his own label and will executive produce the album has made the anticipation that much greater. Lyrically, he’s vastly superior to your favorite radio rapper. Maybe the most impressive thing about the content of his music is that he’s lived the life most studio thugs profess to have lived, but chooses not to glorify it. Oh yeah, maybe you’ve seen him on HBO’s Entourage, too. Look for The Greatest Story Never Told to hopefully change the game.
**footnote: I’m not bothering to talk about Dr. Dre’s Detox and Redman’s Red Gone Wild as it’s been about 5 years and waiting for each of those.
Dipset Dipsh*t
As for the Cam’ron-Jay Z nonsense, Jay’s non-answer states volumes about Cam’s relevancy. While the stunt was an obvious attempt to garner sales for his new album, the buzz has already died down. The “scathing” diss, among several “serious” charges, clowned on Jigga’s wearing open toed sandals. Imagine this from a guy who on his first album cover was dressed like a lost member of the Village People and who tries to set fashion trends by wearing pink. I’m just saying.
The scars from Horse & Carriage remain.
General Haberdashery
Open Mike takes it back to 1995, without once mentioning music institutions and icons like The Box, Biological Didn’t Bother or Keep Their Heads Ringing. Pfft”¦and you call yourself a Hip Hop fan?
Canadian T. covers the two-fisted absurdity of Bono the Rapper and 50 Cent the Children’s Author. Not to be confused with PaRappa the Rapper who, as we all know, looks like Jeff Fernandez.
Comics Mathan is pretty much all you people are going to get from Craig David these days. He’s mourning the loss of Plastic Man, the comic book, but has yet to comment on the 25 year anniversary of the cancellation of the Plastic Man Saturday Morning cartoon. It had Plastic-Baby.
J.A.M. = the fourth in a line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid. He correctly predicted 35/40 in the eight major Oscar categories (nominations). And, if you don’t believe it, those just happen to be the first 10 words in his latest post. And, this ain’t retroactive back-patting, go see for yourself. Ooh, and check out his sidebar for reviews of the latest eps of Veronica Mars, 24 and a new pilot Aaron Cameron Archive.
A is for me.
M is for TV Mathan. As an inoffensive dig, I intended to link Mathan’s first-ever TV column, just to poke fun at how bad all of our first columns were. But, I’ll be damned if he didn’t have me re-reading this piece from 2004, top to bottom. The origin of TV Mathan, along with”¦depth? Read it now, before Math takes down the column since it reveals more about him than he’s ever told. I said read it now!
Junk Mail: All IM Edition
Last weekend, I spent a few hours online chatting with both longtime and first-time IMers. I’m not sure how well this will read here, but I egged everyone into asking me questions for this, the last regularly scheduled Junk Mail segment (as a small, inside-surprise is in store for next week). These were some of my favorite or most frequently asked questions:
Are you REALLY ending The Bootleg or is this some sort of ‘Mick Foley’ farewell where you come back in six months with a book deal and half a supermarket around your midsection?
You’re reading the penultimate edition of The Goodness, kids. One more week and it’s a wrap. Jesus, has Vince turned you all into incurable cynics?
===
Are you and (insert any IP writer) feuding? It sounds like it from reading your column.
Before the influx of “is this really the end” questions, this one and all its variants could really fill an in-box. The short answer is that I can count the number of peers whom I’ve “feuded” with on one hand, with fingers to spare, so if you’re reading a shot at, oh, say, Mathan, chances are that he’s in on the joke. Now, John Haley, on the other hand”¦
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Asking about your favorite column is too obvious, so what’s your least favorite piece?
No f*ckin’ contest”¦and, oddly enough, it’s the column that ran exactly one week before my all-time favorite column. Back on February 2, 2004, Mrs. Bootleg was admitted to the hospital. She spent a week there before giving birth. Obviously, I didn’t have time to write a Bootleg that week, so I substituted my work-in-progress Super Bowl running diary in its place. It’s longer than 11 of Joe Reid’s TV columns and absolutely unreadable.
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Has the wife ever actually read your columns and what you say about her or do you just spend Friday nights on the couch?
Fortunately, she’s a good sport about anything involving herself. What she doesn’t like is pretty much anything else about the column. She doesn’t get the jokes, she thinks I’m too mean to the celebrities and she’s convinced that I need more pictures of Jalen every week. In short, she’s just like my four or five other female fans.
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With all of your infamous references to the ’80s, I’ve got to ask. Just how old are you?
In Bootleg parlance: Aaron Cameron, 32, will celebrate a birthday on March 30.
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Have you ever tried to parlay your writing into a real gig (read: paid gig)?
Yep. In fact, after that 10-part Countdown to Resurrection series on Tupac, I was contacted by a fairly well-known publication. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, but just the fact that they found me pretty much made my millennium.
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Have you ever received feedback from anyone famous over anything you’ve written?
Nope”¦unless you count my 2003 feud with little-known West Coast rapper Shade Sheist over a negative review I wrote or someone who may or may not have been Young City a/k/a Choppa from Diddy’s “Da Band” group. Although, I did get a nasty email, just two weeks ago, from a woman claiming to be the “best friend” of the married woman who Usher is dating. She sent out a mass mailing and one, just to me, that began “Dear Asshole”. Seems I mocked her girl. I can’t make this up.
===
C’mon”¦are you REALLY quitting the Bootleg?
God dammit”¦
So, here’s the deal”¦one Bootleg reader will win an unopened, unused, brand spankin’ new iPod Nano. That’s 2GB, 500 songs, retail value $199. In addition, I’m throwing in a Bootleg T-shirt”¦retail value: significantly less.
Once again, I’d like to thank everyone who poured through the archives and sent in answers to the four trivia questions. And, speaking of answers, let’s find out if you made it to the final round:
Week One’s Question”¦worth one point: What’s Baby Bootleg’s REAL first name?
Rule #1 of ensuring contest participation”¦make the first question easy enough to fool everyone into thinking they have a chance. C’mon”¦in the column that this question ran, I’m sure I probably used Jalen’s given name eight or nine times.
Week Two’s Question”¦worth two points: Name TWO living Black actresses who WEREN’T mentioned in me and Joe Reid’s Black Actress Survivor feature.
Note to self”¦if I ever decide to run this same question again in another contest, make sure ANY black-tress from UPN is eliminated up front. Or, to quote our own Movie Joe Reid:
“Unless they were also famous elsewhere, naming a black person from UPN is like naming a white actress from the WB. Or ABC. Or CBS. Or … well, you see where I’m going with this.”
Hell, I’ve never even seen Girlfriends, but I’m expected to believe my readers can name a couple of cast members off-the-cuff and without visiting the official UPN site?
Oh, and to all of you who mentioned Tia and Tamara Mowry of Sister, Sister fame, go to hell. Freakin’ twins? And WB twins, no less? The rules have just changed, you’re all disqualified. OK, I’m kidding”¦but, still.
Final thoughts: We listed over 60 Black actresses in the BAS thang and managed to forget Phylicia Rashad, yet found room for Irma P. Hall and Rain Pryor? We suck. Oh, and for those of you who offered up Whoopi Goldberg as one of your answers, Joe and I are in agreement:
“Whoopi Goldberg was indeed traded to the Caucasian race, the second she didn’t kick the ever-loving shit out of Ted Danson for l’affaire d’blackface. She had already been on thin ice for the whole Billy Crystal/Robin Williams thing as it was.”
Week Three’s Question”¦worth three points: In the first-ever MFWNTAK column, who was the only woman to appear among the top three nominees?
This one ended up being as easy as the first question, as there was no one who didn’t answer Nicole Richie. Fortunately for most of you, I’m not marking you down for incorrectly including a “T” in her surname. That’s a warning.
Over the lifetime of The Bootleg, name all FOUR short-lived novelty writing nicknames used for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers in the General Haberdashery segment.
The good news is that the response to the Goodbye Giveaway was tremendous. The bad news is that a LOT of you got tripped up on the fourth and final question. Most of the confusion came from the fact that I had used “The Weekend Bookends” alongside the “J.A.M.” name for a week or two. In addition, way too many of you sent in “General Haberdashery” as one of the names.
I’d feel a lot worse for my part in this, if these same people hadn’t actually sent in answers to question #2 like Thea (Shelton Benjamin’s momma) Vidale and Robin Quivers. I’m sorry, I can’t let this go.
Anyways, the answers are J.A.M., The Minority Report, 3 Tha Friday & 3 Tha Hardway.
Needless to say, there were several entrants who scored a perfect 10. And, for them, it’s the simplest of tiebreakers. Each finalist’s name goes into a hat and Mrs. Bootleg will close her eyes, reach in and select one winner. Check back next week to see if you’re randomly better than everyone else who got the same score as you!
Next Week: The final fate of The Bootleg is revealed! (In case you haven’t been reading for the last five weeks.) Get at me on Yahoo or AOL IM: ajcameron13.
