(Memo to BFM: Damn right he doesn’t, and for the exact reason that you guessed.)
Oh my God…four days with the bitch mother, which was hell enough, pills or not, and then back to this pissant little town and this shitty job. And just when I was feeling centered being back in Chicago. There are some things you just can’t buy, and a little mental tranquility is one of them. Of course, I attempt to simulate it every day at the tune of $75 a month for prescriptions, but it just isn’t the same, you know. Fortunately, I was able to survive the three-hour wait at Kansas City on the way to Chicago (thank God that the smoking areas aren’t cut off past the security area), the forty-minute wait on Sunday morning to get through security at Midway (and for once I wasn’t stopped for further security checks, which I always am at Midway for some reason), and the fact that the flight back to KC was completely full with an excessive amount of crying children, which drives me crazy. Thank God for the AbFab Christmas Special being uploaded. Edina and Patsy always give me a smile. But it isn’t enough to counteract this cold that I have.
And if I get another pair of f*cking gloves from my mother…look, I don’t wear gloves. I have to wear cut-proof gloves with Playtex gloves over them for eight hours a f*cking day. I don’t give a shit if my hands get frostbite outside, I’m not wearing gloves outside of work.
Holidays just make me want to pound my head through a wall. Why couldn’t I have had a fatal accident on the way to KC? That way I wouldn’t have to deal with either Chicago or this f*cking dump.
THE PIMP SECTION
Lucard brings back Retrograding for a Christmas present, and also chimes in with his Nyogtha.
Widro is afraid to put me in the Hot Seat, mostly because I’d get the geometry question right.
West chimes in with a holiday-season Heat report.
Porter has his Best Of column in, and disses the Dead Sux too.
Gloomchen does the same, only without the Dead Sux commentary.
Aulbrook has predictions.
Fernandez reserves his gifts for the Music Section people. Cheap bastard.
Nguyen has your weekend in review sports-wise.
THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter at 411 (one of the reasons why I decided to leave, honestly). So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information. And guess what? People are actually taking this to heart. They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a few months now.
(And as I understand it, there are some unscrupulous browser toolbar people trying to advertise here at the Pulse. Well, don’t click on that ad, whatever you do. We’ll still get the money from the impressions, and your system will stay safe.)
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on that site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
(On a side note, those SpyHunter ads started over at Reality News Online, and BFM, a contributor there, spotted them. He told the webmaster, gave him those links that I cited above, the webmaster read them, the blood drained out of his face, and he contacted his ad provider. No more ads for Enigma products on RNO, thank you. So guess what? If you provide the info, there are sites who will listen.)
One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here. It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke thousands of different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
So many people have asked about a free anti-virus program that I’m also going to recommend AVG. Totally free, and works really, really well, as well as commercial anti-virus programs. Frequent database updates, good heuristic detection, everything you want in an anti-virus package.
Another program that I’d like to add here is a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above. And only download those programs; don’t fall for the ads that are shown at various websites.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for their symbol.
The Ravin’ Cajun asks me to recommend a good client-side spam filter for MS mail programs running under Windows. Now, this is something I don’t have experience with because my ISPs have always had good spam filtering, plus, I use Thunderbird, which handles the remainder quite nicely, thank you. Some readers wrote in and recommended SpamBayes, which is totally free and supposedly works very well, so I’ll add it on to the anti-annoyance list that we’re building up here.
Now that 1.0 has been released, I feel good in recommending Firefox as an alternative to IE. Go grab a copy and see what you’re missing.
And, now, you’ve waited on baited breath for it to come back, and it’s here…
YOU’RE A MORON: LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT
This one was too good to wait until tomorrow. Besides, YAM brings in the hits, baby. This one comes from Joshua Cuthbert, and is the perfect aperitif for the year:
So a few soilders treating a few prisoners badly is enough reason for you to be ashamed to have served in the armed forces, when the vast majority of these soilders are out there fighting for their lives every day?
“Soilders”? Oh, God, you know that when a letter begins like this, you know you’re in for a YAM type of missive. And what exactly does the behavior of these inhuman pricks have to do with the rest of the troops? It’s irrelevant in regard to what they’re doing; there are people committing atrocities there. And let me tell you this one: JJ Botter, a member of US Army Intelligence who got a Purple Heart and Bronze Star in Iraq, was also ashamed of what happened at Abu Ghraib and felt depressed that his fellow servicemen could be doing this. So it ain’t just me, oogums.
To answer your query, yes. Let me tell you why. We’re supposed to be the good guys here. We’re supposed to be the ones obeying the Geneva Convention, despite what our Attorney General-designate tells the idiot in the White House. Here’s what I wrote on May 5th regarding Abu Ghraib, and it applies to the latest incident as well:
The thing is, though, we’re supposed to be the nice guys. We don’t do things like shove broomsticks up guys’ asses when they’re our prisoners. We’re supposed to reserve that kind of behavior for our own people, like during the Gulf War, when soldiers were woken up at three in the morning, told to line up, then given injections. If someone asked what the injections were, or tried to refuse the injections after not being told what was in them, he or she was threatened with court-martial. This, by the way, isn’t bullshit. I was told the story by a number of people I served with when they got back from Saudi and Kuwait. Being Army Medical, my friends who went through this were naturally interested in what was in those shots, but the brass was bound and determined to keep it secret. I was the one in our group who eventually figured out that it was some kind of anti-biological-warfare serum (everyone trusted me because I was the one with the scientific background). And I was revealed years later to be right. It was anti-anthrax, and that serum is said now to be one of the main causes of Gulf War Syndrome. But that has no bearing on this. I just wanted to tell you what the Army is capable of so you won’t be too surprised at this whole story.
So we can abuse our people all we like, but we’re too good to abuse others. That’s the American way. Apparently not. And it wasn’t an isolated incident or two either. Since they committed what in the Army is regarded as the greatest sin of all, getting caught, someone has to get the blame. The commanding general of the MP divisions involved is saying that Intelligence gave his men their orders. The former head of the occupation government’s Department of Human Rights says that he was refused entrance to military prisons after he heard about the abuses and had to go to the Red Fucking Cross for help.
To reprint more information that I originally pres
ented to you on May 5th, here’s the sections of the Geneva Convention that the US Army violated at Abu Ghraib and during the most recent incident:
This is Article 3, Section 1, of the Geneva Convention Relative To The Treatment Of Prisoners Of War, 1949, which the United States is a signatory to:
Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed hors de combat by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria.
To this end the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:
(a) Violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;
(b) Taking of hostages;
(c) Outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment;
(d) The passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples.
Article 13 of the Geneva Convention:
Prisoners of war must at all times be humanely treated. Any unlawful act or omission by the Detaining Power causing death or seriously endangering the health of a prisoner of war in its custody is prohibited, and will be regarded as a serious breach of the present Convention. In particular, no prisoner of war may be subjected to physical mutilation or to medical or scientific experiments of any kind which are not justified by the medical, dental or hospital treatment of the prisoner concerned and carried out in his interest.
Likewise, prisoners of war must at all times be protected, particularly against acts of violence or intimidation and against insults and public curiosity.
Measures of reprisal against prisoners of war are prohibited.
Article 14 of said:
Prisoners of war are entitled in all circumstances to respect for their persons and their honour. Women shall be treated with all the regard due to their sex and shall in all cases benefit by treatment as favourable as that granted to men. Prisoners of war shall retain the full civil capacity which they enjoyed at the time of their capture. The Detaining Power may not restrict the exercise, either within or without its own territory, of the rights such capacity confers except in so far as the captivity requires.
Article 87:
Collective punishment for individual acts, corporal punishments, imprisonment in premises without daylight and, in general, any form of torture or cruelty, are forbidden.
Article 121:
Every death or serious injury of a prisoner of war caused or suspected to have been caused by a sentry, another prisoner of war, or any other person, as well as any death the cause of which is unknown, shall be immediately followed by an official enquiry by the Detaining Power.
Understand now, shithead?
Its just really good to see how much something like this could phase you, but Sept. 11 doesnt really mean anything to you now.
September 11th meant nothing to me as of approximately September 13th, 2001. And point in fact, I also said another thing in that May 5th column that applies to this:
So far, fourteen prisoners have died under the watchful eye of the MPs, including at least one whose death is being covered up as “justifiable homicide”. And you know that some of the ultra-pseudo-patriots that are floating around are going to try to shove this under the rug (“Those towelheads deserve everything they get! 9-1-1!! 9-1-1!!!”).
Your attitude is, in fact, racist and repulsive.
Seriously, why don’t you just go move to Iraq
No thanks. Too many Americans there.
or Iran or somewhere in the middle east,
Huh? What the f*ck does this have to do with anything?
you obviously seem to love them so much and hate America so much.
So, in other words, I should love my fellow man, but only if they’re Americans. Yeah, that’s really a great attitude to have. What’s the math in this equation? “Some Americans committed what frankly are atrocities. I speak out against them and tell everyone that, as a former soldier who served my country with honor, I am frankly ashamed of their actions. Therefore, I’m against the troops and am against America.” That’s a leap in mental logic that’s only accomplished by people wearing white coats that tie in the back.
And its really refreshing to see you once again bashing anyone who voted for Bush as stupid.
Well, they are.
So you know, its that same arrogant smug attitude that cost you guys the election in the first place.
Sorry, it wasn’t the “arrogance” of Democrats that cost them the election. It was a bunch of idiots who went out and couldn’t recognize reality. You do know that a twist of seventy thousand votes in Ohio would have changed the election.
Jesus, I come back from Chicago with that waiting for me. Is it any wonder why I need the drugs?
PLANS FOR THE FUTURE
According to the dead-tree Observer, the plans right now are for John Cena and Randy Orton to win their respective titles at Wrestlemania, then get switched in the draft after WM, with Cena becoming a fresh opponent for Trip while Orton gets an uninterrupted title run. However, this plan is likely not to come to fruition because the idea for the double-switch was Heyman’s, and he’s lost his booking power for the time being. Moreover, thanks to Trip’s influence, Steph isn’t enamored with Cena due to the fact that he’s a “marginal worker”, and Trip likes to work against only the best in the business (thus exposing his weaknesses, but you can’t argue with Trip because you’re in danger of losing your job). Also, the Smackdown title may not change in the first place due to the fact that High-Quality Speaker Boy’s push is being orchestrated by Vince himself, while the other Smackdown workers have stroke backstage due to support from the writers. The Raw title is a different issue, because Trip knows that Cena will drop the title to him at the first real opportunity. That may be delayed if Cena starts getting Benoit-type heat, which he hasn’t lately (the latter is my speculation, not Da Meltz’s).
Oh, God…first of all, the audience wants to see High-Quality Speaker Boy drop the strap, the sooner the better. He isn’t at the level of getting X-Pac Heat yet due to his terrific promos, but he doesn’t have the chops to go against guys like Guerrero and Angle (we’ve seen this in the case of Guerrero in the cage match). If the heat turns bad between now and Royal Rumble, Vince may decide that all his efforts were in vain and tell him to drop the title to whomever faces him, either at RR or at Mania if a Smackdown wrestler wins the Rumble (most likely Eddy). All I know is that if High-Quality Speaker Boy drops the title, Keith may start watching the show again and I can stop doing the Smackdown Short Form, which has been complicated due to my lack of UPN. Let’s hope it doesn’t take that long.
STUPID MOVE OF THE WEEK
Also according to the dead-tree Observer, Chavo Guerrero picked a fight with The Big Show backstage because of TBS’s lack of training regimen and high capacity for food in preference to actually working on wrestling. Jesus, Chavito, what were you thinking? He did get pushed around a bit by TBS, but since Wight is a mild-mannered guy, it didn’t actually get into serious territory. Oy.
And speaking of serious territory, let’s cover Raw, shall we?
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Jericho over Christian, Beat the Clock Match (Submission, Walls of Jericho, Time of Match: 10:47): There are very few pairs on Raw that, when facing each other, you have automatic expectations of a good match prior to the match starting. Jericho and Christian are at the top of that short list (only challenged by Benoit/Trip). This match, like most others they’ve had, didn’t disappoint. These guys just play off each other so well and know each others’ styles so extensively that they can’t help but have a good match. Great show opener.
Randy Orton over Maven, Beat the Clock Match (Pinfall, RKO, Time of Match: 6:14): Remember that list I mentioned? Well, let’s just say that Randy Orton/Maven isn’t on it. However, what is it that I see here? Is Heel Maven developing an actual personality? Say it ain’t so, my friends, say it ain’t so. Of course, Face Orton isn’t doing the same, so that leaves the wonderful conundrum of Maven being the least bland competitor in a match for the first and maybe only time. Chew on that for a while.
Lita over Molly Holly, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, DDT): The advantage to being back on evening shift is that I tape Raw, thus enabling me to fast-forward through this shit. Who cares?
Simon Dean over Rosey (Pinfall, rollup): As much as I love Bucci and love the Simon Dean gimmick, this one was also FF territory. I did love the weight belt, though. Great touch.
Edge over Nick Dinsmore, Beat the Retard Match (Submission, modified Figure-Four, Did Not Beat The Clock): Mistah Copeland must have been on Santa’s Naughty List this season in order to get this match for a Christmas present. I would have preferred more sadism from him, though. A clean submission hold isn’t enough.
Chris Benoit over Viscera, Beat the Clock Match (Submission, crossface, Time of Match: 5:43): This would be the appropriate place for me to make some kind of pun about Our Lord and Savior having something in common with me other than being God because I deal with viscera every day. However, I feel too sorry for Benoit to do something as cheap as that.
Dave Batista over Rhyno, Beat the Clock Match (Pinfall, double DaveBomb, Time of Match: 3:02): Gee, Rhyno still exists? Well, not after DAVE got through with him he doesn’t. That being said, Ol’ Artwork has not only been improving as a wrestler lately, he’s also developing an independent in-ring personality. Breakout star of 2005? Future world champion? Who knows, but he’s getting there.
Trip over Shelton Benjamin (Pinfall, Pedigree, Did Not Beat The Clock): Remember that list above? Well, given the evidence in this match and in the past, Trip/Benjy may be joining that list soon. Good closer. As for the special guest ref for the EC match, I figured out that it’d be Shawn Michaels right away. He was really the only choice, having a history with everyone involved. That being said, a good and interesting choice.
Angle Developments:
Beat the Cock: Leave it to Bisch to sell everyone on what is, frankly, a great concept for a show. For once, all of the short matches on Raw are justified, and it overloads the show with star power. Shit, even Scooter liked the show and the concept. That must mean that it worked on a number of levels, especially given the stip that if someone loses, they’re out of the EC match. Bravo to “creative” for actually coming up with something that people might want to watch.
Maybe Beating Some Sense Into Americans Is The Thing To Do: Everybody, including this site, has links to the Cornell study that Hassan referenced, so I’m not going to link it here. The thing is, he was telling the truth yet again. Why this guy isn’t a face is beyond me, unless Vince is trying to appeal to the Inner Redneck in his audience. This is almost 2005, people. Don’t you think we’re beyond that? Oh, and one more thing: the only resolution that My Beautiful and Beloved needs to make is to massage my aching shoulders after a hard day at work, then get nekkid and sit on my face. Period.
And that periods this column nicely. I’ll be back tomorrow with the Daily Pulse (I already have two stories done for it). Until then, enjoy your Tuesday. God knows that I won’t.
