Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
I wrote this column in under three hours, but I’m still pretty damn proud of it. We more than likely won’t have a Wednesday Review Roundup this week, but in lieu of it I’m shooting for an interview and also am expecting to finally have that review done for Murtz. Stay tuned…
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
British rock bands KASABIAN and KEANE, decided to put to the kibosh on a yearlong verbal bitch fight during Saturday’s Live Earth concert, despite the fact that it would do absolutely nothing to slow the process of global warming. Way to be useless yet again, guys.
In other bitch-fight-related news, American Idol loser CLAY AIKEN was involved in a minor scuffle during a Continental Airlines flight to a concert in Tulsa, Okla., on Saturday. According to an FBI agent, who would not confirm the names of the individuals involved (though members of the flight crew and witnesses did confirm to reporters that one of them was Aiken), an issue over a male passenger’s foot resting on the armrest of a female passenger escalated to a verbal exchange, which eventually saw him getting shoved by the woman before the flight crew was able to break it up. While no injuries or arrests were reported, FBI agents were called when the plane arrived in Tulsa and interviewed the parties and any witnesses to incident. Fans of Aiken who were present at the subsequent concert in Tulsa told reporters that during his performance the singer chided that he had been “beaten up by a girl” earlier in the day, and would need to have sex with at least seven men that night just to forget about it.
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE BUT CURRENTLY KNOWN YET AGAIN AS JUST PRINCE launched his new gender-neutral fragrance, 3121, at the Macy’s in downtown Minneapolis on Saturday by putting on a special performance for customers. He later played at the nearby Target Center, before heading to First Avenue—the club where his 1984 film, Purple Rain was shot—where he started his set around 2:45am. While he had a 24-song set planned for the small venue, local police forced him to stop after 15 songs, as the city prohibits concerts after 4am. “The authorities say we gotta go,” he told the sold-out crowd. “We always listen to the authorities. I promise I’ll be back.” Then after, the crowd seemed upset and many people refused to budge, police had Prince ask them if they wanted to become Jehovah’s Witnesses, which according to several people in attendance, worked pretty well in emptying the place out.
Be aware, Londoners, for THE AD HOC AWARD-DEMANDING PIECE OF SHIT says that he’s planning on bringing the circus to your neck of the woods. Be prepared to experience an oncoming assault of mouth-breathing, toothpick-using, white robe-wearing, gigantic ego-driven shenanigans. “I’m looking to buy a place in London at the moment,” he told reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview. “I just love this city, and I seem to be spending so much time here that it seems like the logical thing to do. Ideally I’d like to live in Soho, although I guess it might be a little noisy. … You guys are just so much fun—I don’t know about the women, though. D’you know that I’ve never been out with a British woman in my life? For some reason they don’t seem to take too kindly to being treated like property.”
BRIGHT EYES singer Conor Oberst threw a shit fit at the end of the band’s set at Shepherds Bush Empire in London last Tuesday, after becoming angry when some technical difficulties occurred during their last song. Oberst threw a stage amp across the stage, and then grabbed guitarist Mike Mogis guitar and threw that as well before curling up into a fetal position and crying like the little bitch that he is. Maybe not, but you could totally see it.
After being blocked by GOP senators from holding a Live Earth event in Washington, D.C., Al Gore was able to get around the politicos by converting a previously planned, government approved, Native American music and art festival into a part of the Live Earth series. The “Mother Earth” festival, also featuring various guest speakers from the Native American community, took place at the National Mall at the National Museum of the American Indian, just two blocks from Capitol Hill. In addition to various Native American musicians, country singers GARTH BROOKS and TRISHA YEARWOOD also performed. “A couple of the global warming deniers tried to deny it with parliamentary maneuvers. … [N]aysayers in the political world have not been able to have their way, because this will—despite their best efforts—be held on the Mall,” Gore told reporters, while the museum’s director and supporter of the Live Earth series, Tim Johnson, said, “There is no more important matter before us than the question of how to live sustainably on the Earth.” While The SMonday Swindle Sheet, isn’t quite sure how these concerts are going to slow the effects of global warming, we condone it based solely on the principle that it’s pissing off the republicans. Other concerts in the Live Earth series included shows at Aussie Stadium in Sydney; Makuhari Messe in Chiba, Japan (just outside of Tokyo); Oriental Pearl Tower in Shanghai; HSH Nordbank Arena in Hamburg; Wembley Stadium in London; To-Ji Temple in Kyoto, Japan; Coca-Cola Dome in Johannesburg; Rabin Square in Tel Aviv; Copacabana Beach in Rio de Janeiro, Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey (just outside of New York); and the British Antarctic Survey’s Rothera Research Station in Antarctica. The lineup for the show in Antarctica consisted of one indie-rock band, named Nunatak, which is actually comprised of a five-person science team currently investigating climate change and evolutionary biology on the continent, that played to a crowd of 17 people—the entire staff at the Rothera Research Station, or, the number of people who are actually excited about the SPICE GIRLS reunion.
In other Live Earth-related news, Scottish mope-rock band SNOW PATROL found themselves pressed to find a last-minute replacement for keyboardist Tom Simpson for a Sunday gig after he was arrested on Saturday at a Royal Air Force base outside of London, just hours after the band had played at the local Live Earth event. According to authorities, Simpson, who was taken into police custody after having neglected to show up for a court date in Scotland to face drug possession charges, would “remain in custody until transferred [back to Scotland].”
In yet another Live Earth-related story, METALLICA singer James Hetfield was detained at a terminal in London Luton Airport for a brief time on Friday, just after getting off of his flight. While no details were given as to why exactly Hetfield was stopped, a friend of his told British newspaper The Times that it was probably his “Taliban-like beard.” Shut the f*ck up. It was probably Lars Ulrich who said it. That guy is such a douchebag I can’t even make a joke out of this anymore because I’m so irritated. Thanks a lot, Lars Ulrich.
News Headline: The White Stripes perform at bowling alley
Friday was a slow news day.
Amid a falling out with her mother, Lynne, singer/train wreck BRITNEY SPEARS has reportedly edited her will, to dictate that her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James would be put into the custody of her little sister Jamie Lynn upon her death, as opposed to her mother, who she recently panned for making statements that she was an unfit mother. This is deplorable. While Lynne Spears should have probably not spoken to the press about it, the fact that Britney Spears thinks that she is not an unfit mother is the most ridiculous thing about the whole thing. That, or the fact that she’s seriously believing that she might be dead before her kids are adults. She even went so far as to state that custody of the children would be given to her cousin Alli Sims if Jamie Lynn Spears (who is currently 16) is under 21 at the time of her death. The fact that she thinks she’ll possibly be dead within five years just goes to show that Britney Spears plans to continue her lifestyle of hardcore partying and consuming copious amounts of alcohol and whatever else despite having two children at home. That or she’s strongly considering killing herself. It really wouldn’t surprise me one bit. If that doesn’t make her an unfit mother, I’m not sure what does. This is going to infuriate Shawn M. Smith more than MGF reviewing a MENOMENA concert and posting it on the main page, but I’m going to have to declare that these children should be released into the full custody of their father. Sure, he’s a total stroke, but at least he’s not more concerned with getting wasted with PARIS HILTON than raising them. Sorry, Shawn…
R&B singer BOBBY VALENTINO recently whined to reporters that fellow Def Jam artist NE-YO gets more attention from label heads than he does. “I think Ne-Yo’s the face of the label and, of course, by him being the face of the label, he gets a little bit more [press],” Valentino said. “I see he gets a lot of extra support, a lot of bells and whistles. Sometimes, people need those things to put them over the top. My album, you know what it is. When you see me at the shows, you know what it’s about. There’s nothing sugar-coated about me. Not saying that there’s something sugar-coated about Ne-Yo, but, it’s all good.” While the second half of that statement seems to completely contradict itself, I’ve been able to roughly translate it into Bobby Valentino accusing Ne-Yo of garnering favor by sucking JAY-Z‘s dick while Russell Simmons and LUDACRIS snort coke off of Ne-Yo’s mom’s ass while DJ CLUE incessantly yells “NEW SHIT!” and “COP IT!” in the background. Them’s fightin’ words, Bobby Valentino.
For those of you living in Lebanon who were looking forward to seeing SHAKIRA at the Beiteddine Festival this summer, her July 11 performance has been scrapped, as representatives of the singer (who is part Lebanese) cite the country’s continuing political instability and increased security risks. The concert series, which takes place at Beiteddine Palace in Beiteddine, Lebanon, runs into August, and will still feature performances by local artists as well as international artists including violinist/violist NIGEL KENNEDY and Latin fusion band OZOMATLI.
ENRIQUE IGLESIAS became the first Western pop musician in over 30 years to perform in Damascus, Syria, on Wednesday, when he sang to a crowd of over 10,000 outside of the historic 11th century citadel in the northwest corner of the Old City. Well, that’s just great… as if we didn’t need to give the Syrians another reason to hate the West.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
