In Memoriam: Ray Meyer. It’s only appropriate that he died during March Madness, and on St. Patrick’s Day to boot. Great, great coach and the highest quality of Chicagoan you could ever come across.
You know, it’s easy to occupy the moral high ground. What’s more difficult is to confidently occupy the moral low ground. – Jerry Springer, The Opera
Let me extend to all of you a happy St. Joseph’s Day, first of all. And it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the return of the TRUE Triple-Threat Short Form. Smackdown, Impact, and Saturday Night’s Main Event. I’ve been gearing up for this one by taking a little time off…of course, we all know that’s not the reason for that. I had to be in South Dakota for an interview on Monday morning, which ruled out both the Short Form from last week and my Tuesday column. In addition, I’ve had more than a few phone interviews, plus the interview in Houston getting pushed back because of an unexpected occurrence at the plant there. So, that explains that. However, there was no way in hell I was going to miss out on this. SNME is back after over a decade of absence. That makes this special. Well, it doesn’t, really, but SNME has great importance attached to it courtesy of the fact that most of the leading lights of the IWC were of an impressionable age when it was broadcast. Me, I was in my mid-20s, so any impression was simply coincidental.
But it’s still nice to have it back, though. And that means I have to deal with another five-hour orgy of Wrestling…well, not Goodness, certainly not with two of those hours being Smackdown. But Mediocrity is a good median.
Oh, what a f*cking week I’ve had. First of all, thanks to Gloomie, Fingers, and Hevia for going to bat for me while I was navigating my way through tornadoes and a snowstorm for that two-hour interview in South Dakota. After somehow getting back (and I’m still trashed from that trip), I had two phone interviews on Tuesday, a surprise phone interview on Wednesday that woke me up out of a near-coma, one on Thursday, and one on Friday, all of them with big companies that I’d like to get in bed with (three of those interviews were with the same company, by the way, in different locations). In between, I tried to catch up and watch Destination X and Raw, despite the fact that I wasn’t in the mood to watch either (however, it was worth the former for the Shelley/Lethal match alone). And as for Raw…
…you know, I knew they’d do something with the Drug Policy and Michaels. I just knew it. That’s why I made that half-humorous remark last week. In case you forgot, here’s what I wrote in the March 7th column:
What was in that capsule? I presume that it’s going to make Michaels delirious and/or sleepy (I’m writing this during the commercial break after the skit; turns out, of course, that it did). If so, then it’s almost certainly banned under the Drug Policy. So, if I was Vince, here’s what I do: after the match with Shane, declare Probable Cause based on the “slurred speech and stumbling” rule, get him to piss in any available cup, then next week suspend him for thirty days. Hey, if they’ve got it in place, might as well kayfabe with it.
Now, you all know the Rule of Thumb regarding this column: If Eric Writes It, WWE Will Not Do It. I was hoping that this would hold true for this particular proposition. But everything’s Kayfabe Fodder for Vince these days. It shouldn’t have surprised us. But, somehow, it did surprise people, who are now clamoring over themselves with indigation that they’d turn the Drug Policy into something else to be folded into a work-shoot. Some of them have even brought up the Nombre Sagrado of Eddy in regard to this, showing how out of proportion people are these days. Look, folks, get some perspective and listen to me for a change. What did I tell you when the announcement about the Drug Policy first came out? That this was a joke, that this was being done only to get some heat off of WWE for what happened to Eddy, and it was a smokescreen. It is a plaything like everything else that WWE touches, to be utilized when it’s convenient (either for on-stage stuff like this, or as an excuse to get rid of someone they don’t want). If they were serious about this, why are they promoting an on-screen beer drinking contest when the Drug Policy prohibits drinking before and during the shows (a point that I brought up when the Policy was fully outlined and one that Fingers reinforced during his part of my substitute column on Tuesday)? And, most importantly, why isn’t anyone else in the IWC bringing this up? Oh, yeah, because Wife-Beater is one of the participants and everyone LUVS him except me. The whole situation is written off as a way to pop a rating for SNME while avoiding the nightmare of actually having Wife-Beater in a match, and therefore the hypocrisy inherent as per the Drug Policy is ignored.
It’s stuff like this that reinforces my belief that the majority of the IWC is front-loaded with pig-ignorant yahoos who can’t find their dicks without firing up Google Earth. And in order to find their brains, they have to fire up Google Mars. The only advantage to this is that it makes me look better. In the Kingdom of the Blind, the one-eyed man is king and all that.
Oh, screw it. Let’s get on with the shows…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Fit Finlay over Bobby Lashley, Money In The Bank Qualifying Lumberjack Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman Shilelagh): I normally don’t like Lumberjack Matches, but they’re a great place to find Haley’s Little Things. The two that struck me the most about this was Simon Dean staying out of any physical confrontation and quite demonstratively directing traffic, and Regal being on Finlay’s side (oh, come on, Mister Regal, it’s a centuries-old rivalry; keep up the tradition). By the way, the right person did go over. I don’t think Lashley’s ready for MITB, or for that matter, capable enough. Finlay is. He knows how to do high-risk, and I think he’s still got enough in him.
By the way, everyone knows that I want to see Benoit/Finlay/Regal for the US title. Given his performance in this match, I wouldn’t mind a warm-up with Lashley, Finlay, and Regal. Also, I think I’ve discerned a plan. If WWE wants Lashley to become an accomplished brawler type, they couldn’t do any better than to get him in a program with Finlay, who doubtless has already taught him a lot. Lashley’s been visibly on in his dealings with Finlay. After this is blown off, how about a program with Regal as a sort of finishing school in that style?
Finlay’s time in Japan scarred him for life, and now it’s time for a little revenge
Any chance we could call this the “Belfast Bounce”?
Jack Sparrow Burchill and Anamaria Marshall over Mister Regal and Ms. Hall, Mixed Tag Match (Pinfall, Burchill pins Regal, C(utlass)-4): Okay, I’m starting to get charges of hypocrisy regarding Burchill. How can I allow Burchill to do something like this and yet spend three years criticizing Novocaine Helms? Simple. Everyone’s playing this gimmick as being silly (other than Burchill, of course). Cole came out and said that this was a “character” during Burchill’s entrance. They played Novocaine’s character as completely serious. I’m hoping Burchill succeeds at this; he’s a good young wrestler and deserves a lot of attention for what he can do. What I’d do if I was “creative”…no, no, I shouldn’t write that. You know what happens when I do. I’ll just keep it to myself and hope that it happens.
As for Regal, you know that he’s one of the few men I’d allow to anally penetrate me (the fact that he’s straight and dead butch makes that safe to say). I, therefore, was happy as hell when that big “Regal Sucks” chant started. I don’t want him to go down in history like Dynamite as one of the best wrestlers of his generation, but only recognized as such after his career is over. Therefore, anything I can do right now for him, I will. Lots of space available on the bandwagon, folks. And those of us that have been on it for a decade like me will welcome you.
One slight thing that’s dismaying is that Cole used the phrase “walk the plank” during the replay of Burchill’s finisher. Anyone think that this is what the move will eventually be called (since C-4 doesn’t fit the gimmick)?
Is the handspring elbow now a mandatory move for all women wrestlers?
Booker T over Jeremy Young (Pinfall, scissors kick): Oh, yay, an Angle Advancement Match against a jobber. Color me thrilled.
Talk about being overaccessorized
At least Booker remembers how to properly treat jobbers
Matt Hardy over Animal, Money In The Bank Qualifying Match (DQ, Lil’ Naitch actually spotted the brass knucks for once): Okay, they needed someone in MITB who can bump as well as Van Dam in this environment. But it would have been a trip to see Animal in there. Benjy and Van Dam bouncing all over the ring, while Animal, Flair, and Finlay pound the shit out of each other and get winded climbing the ladder…oh, wait, I like the MITB concept. So ignore that. It’s been a very cynical weekend for me so far.
Animal’s getting a kick out of this program. Too bad we’re not.
Our Lord and Savior over Orlando Jordan (Submission, Sharpshooter): Gee, this one lasted longer than all the other Benoit/Jordan matches in the past year combined. Still doesn’t make it good.
But what has got into High-Quality Speaker Boy? If speed wasn’t against the Drug Policy, I’d say it was some quality crank. He was really on, for some reason. Rapid-fire, high energy, with enough skewed logic to supply “creative” for the next six months. And it worked. Let’s see if he can bring up the dismal quality of his Angle Advancement Moment with Wife-Beater on SNME.
“Wait, haven’t we done this before?”
Kurt Angle, Rey-Rey, and Randy Orton over Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, and Mark Henry (Pinfall, Orton pins Mercury, Rey-Rey 619): Oh, Lord, talk about apathy abounding. SNME pimp, Wrestlemania pimp, a way to get Mark Henry on camera…give me a reason to care, guys, please. More was accomplished in the interview promo than here. If this is a preview of what’s going to happen in the SNME match, God help us all.
An excellent example of Not A Good Idea
Angle Developments:
She Bop: Is anyone else really squicked by the thought of Melina pleasuring herself to photos of Vince? Well, from the whole Batista incident, we can assume she likes older men, but…no, I don’t even want to think about that, unless I’m the older man in question. But I do have to admit this: it’s not as squicky as Kristal coming on to Pirate Paul.
Melina was recently revealed as one of the 198. Her mutant power? Emasculation at range.
Whatever “It” is, you can find it on eBay
Just in case you don’t know who they are
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Sonjay Dutt over Matt Bentley and Elix Skipper, World X Cup Team USA Triple Threat Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Dutt pins Bentley, 450 splash): I think everyone’s common complaint about this one is that it was too short. Oh, yeah, it was. Nice little spotfest, great flow, just what you’d expect from these guys.
Now, as to the issue of Dutt competing for Team USA, the announcers covered that, but, really, if you want to do something like this, stop announcing that he’s from India. What about the possibility of two TNA teams in the World X Cup? Team TNA USA and Team TNA International? The problem with this is, who goes on the latter team? Dutt and Norman Smiley, sure, but after that? You know, Johnny Devine is still listed on TNA’s roster page, and he’s not involved with Team Canada right now. Abyss, maybe? Is Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea United States territory? If not, Shark Boy qualifies. Man, this is harder than I thought. You might have to have Konnan get on the phone and get someone in from Mexico that won’t be involved with Team Mexico and be able to be signed to a permanent contract.
Okay, that helped wipe the taste of the opening promo from my mouth
Abyss over Cassidy Riley (Pinfall, Black Hole Slam): So, exactly how does this fit into Abyss’ title program push? Oh, that’s right, Christian wasn’t there. Therefore, it was all up to the post-match promo. Good one by Mitchell, as usual, but did we really need the squash match? Most important, did Riley needed to be squashed? Wasn’t he getting a push recently?
Without Raven around, they won’t even let Riley get a springboard elbow in
Shark Boy and Norman Smiley over Homicide and Machete (Pinfall, Shark Boy pins Machete, Konnan-ference): I could write this off as an Angle Advancement Match for an angle that no one gives a shit about (as Lambert says, no one’s going to give a shit unless Low Ki comes in). I could also view this as an elevation match for Shark Boy and Norman. Since I love both of those guys, I’ll take the latter view and keep writing off Sheremetyevo. Title shot soon, please.
We Heart The Big Wiggle
Ron Killings, Rhiyno, Christopher Daniels, and A. J. Fuckin’ Styles over James Storm, Chris Harris, Alex Shelley, and Shannon Moore (Pinfall, Styles pins Moore, Styles Clash): Bye, Shannon. Have a great time teaming up with your old OMEGA buddy and former on-screen master Matt Hardy attempting to put some life into the most moribund tag scene around. And it was so nice of you to blow two major spots in this one on your way out (one with Styles, one with Killings). Oh, screw you. Just leave and have a good time doing Epilepsy each week so I don’t have to notice you.
One of these things is not like the other, one of these things…oh, hell, I’ll just tell you: Daniels is the only one of this bunch to never hold the NWA Heavyweight title.
Oh, yeah, this is realistic
Angle Developments:
Acidosis Flashback: In order to do my article on the fifth anniversary of the Death Of WCW (which should be out tomorrow), I had to mentally relive those days. This is possibly one reason why I avoided watching Destination X. Sting, Jarrett, and Big Sump Pump in the ring at the same time, with the threat of Nash coming back at any time hanging over our heads? They are one Booker away from totally reviving WCW 2000…well, two bookers if you count Vinny Ru. Honestly, Impact Zone Crazies, you chanting “You Still Suck” at Big Sump Pump doesn’t help. TNA is still giving off too much of the rancid odor of rotting WCW for me to suppress one sense for another.
Honestly, until Big Sump Pump leaves, and until they show that they have an actual plan for the X Division, I’m going to need K-Dawgs to watch Impact (not to mention a translation service for Big Sump Pump’s promos). I never thought I’d say that after what they’ve been able to do.
Welcome to my nightmare
Is this scarier than having to deal with Verne Gagne?
The Doctoring Is In: Good try, Tenay, but Photoshop can only manipulate still images. In order to fake a video, you’d need a good CGI package and more than just a PC (or an iPod). And as we can tell from TNA’s opening credits, they don’t have a good CGI package.
Do that to Eric Wedge, and I’ll be impressed
THE SNME SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Trip and John Cena over Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, and Rey-Rey, Main Event Versus Main Event Curtain-Jerker (Pinfall, Cena pins Orton, rollup): Everyone was shocked, shocked, I say, that this was the opener instead of the main. Why are people surprised at that? Don’t they realize by now that anything involving a McMahon is of greater importance than both Wrestlemania title matches? Did people not get the message when they turned Wrestlemania 16’s main event into a McMahon Avatar Fatal Four-Way?
Weirdest moment: Angle hitting the Triple Germans on Trip. Hell, it always works for Benoit. It’s just strange to see someone else doing it. What’s less strange is that neither Ross, Lawler, or Tazz called it or even mentioned Benoit. Normally that honor’s reserved for Cole.
And thank God they switched back to Orton’s old theme. That new one was horrendous.
As for the result, it sounds familiar. …the person who needs the most cred going into WM has to be Cena (duh), so he’s going to get what they’re claiming to be a pinfall, obviously against Orton. – me, the SNME Round Table
Kneel Before Zod.
Kill him, Kurt. Then get the other one while you’re at it.
When was the last time someone hit a backslide on Trip?
Kill him, Rey-Rey. Do it for Eddy.
(By the way, the reason the screen caps look so strange wasn’t because of a bad encoding job or anything. It’s because all the damn pyro smoked up the ring more than my home office with the window closed.)
Trish Stratus and MickieLexis LaJames over Victoria and Candice Michelle (Pinfall, Stratus pins Victoria, Stratusfaction): Hmmmmm, something sounds familiar about this too. Let’s see…Trish and LaJames are ready to do the turn to set up something at WM. They’re running out of time. Therefore, the turn happens here. Now, as to whether it’s going to be during the match or post-match is in question. I’ll say the faces take the match, with Victoria getting pinned, then it blows up. – me, the SNME Round Table. And I was the only one to pick the face team.
Keep Kneeling Before Zod.
Victoria’s thinking about joining the X Division
Shane McMahon over Shawn Michaels, Street Fight (Pinfall, Sharpshooter): The more they reference Montreal (and they not only did it in this match, but heavily in the promo package), the more I think Overrated is going to somehow get involved in the Vince/Shawn match at Wrestlemania. The only question is whether ego satiation and money can overcome integrity and disgust. Let me give you an answer to that one. Those three phone interviews I had with the same company this week? The company happens to be Tyson. I have more integrity than Overrated does, and good reason to be disgusted with Tyson. If I can sell out, so will he.
By the way, I loved the “Heartbreaker” custom jersey Shane wore. I don’t own any piece of wrestling gear, but I’d buy that one. Wanna bet it’s going to be up on the Shop Zone by Tuesday?
And here’s Shane’s insane bump for the night
Didn’t work this time, unfortunately
Angle Developments:
It’s Not All Right: I’m sorry, but it’s just not SNME without Animotion’s “Obsession” as the theme. Yes, I know, we have to have something newer, but I want to wallow in nostalgia. Of course, that means getting a shitty show along with it, and this one didn’t disappoint in that area. So, the complaints are minor.
One of these things just doesn’t belong, so stay off my screen, Ross
How To Succeed At Pimping Without Really Trying: The Edge/Foley sequence was well-executed. Edge is proving week by week that he’s going to be reaching grandmaster status at heel promos soon, while Foley was able and willing to take a face-first bulldog into a pile of thumbtacks. All of this bodes well for the Wrestlemania match. If Edge is willing to go all the way, and it’s booked properly, it should rank up there with Benoit/Sullivan in terms of big-company mayhem matches.
A little early to be promoting One-Night Stand, isn’t it?
Words fail me
Cause And Effect: So, when High-Quality Speaker Boy wins the US title, all of America’s problems will suddenly be corrected. Glad to see he’s picking up on the delusion that people inside the Beltway seem to have, specifically those illegally occupying the White House. No, I’m afraid that this country needs more than a swap of the US title. I don’t see the problems being corrected without Democrats controlling the White House and both houses of Congress, along with summary executions and imprisonment in concentration camps of all registered Republicans, but I do see High-Quality Speaker Boy going over Benoit after the intense promos that he delivered on Smackdown and SNME. Weird, huh?
Wife-Beater’s T-shirt says “Kicking Ass Since 1995”. So, I guess that he didn’t kick ass as a member of the Dangerous Alliance or with Pillman in the Hollywood Blondes. Someone at Stamford needs to watch that videotape. It’s been sitting gathering dust for five years now. Damn, there’s nothing sadder than a 41-year-old antisocial guy who needs to prove constantly that he’s a rebel…wait a second…no, retract that. There’s nothing sadder than a 41-year-old antisocial guy who drinks to excess and tries to live off his past glories. That’s better.
Go pound something else
And it’s time for that cliche for all the family: the presentation of the casket
Well, I’m glad I got a little practice in (and had a little time off before this). It truly is a bitch doing five hours at a shot. It was even more of a bitch because I’ve got a lot of material for you to read over the next couple days, and not only in the Wrestling section. So be sure to have your browser open here so you can get as much of me as you can stomach. Have a good time.
