Well, we Americans are down after the first day of the Ryder Cup. Not insurmountable, thank goodness, but with the way the Euros are playing (Sergio on fire, Monty goddamn CLUTCH), I fear for yet another two years of bragging rights heading across the Atlantic. A pity, really, after all that tweaking of the selection formula and all that. Fuck the formula. Just pull the top ten qualifying guys on each side from the World Rankings and be done with it. Oh, well, at least the President’s Cup next year will be interesting.
Memo to Bisman: Hey, we care about the Notre Dame game. And by the royal “we”, I mean anyone who grew up Catholic in Chicago. There’s lots of us; we do tend to breed a great deal, you know. And Michigan State is always one of the big games of the year. So there’s interest. Just because you don’t have any interest doesn’t mean that no one does. Do I need to use those three particular words that upset the Tailgate Crashers?
Well, is he or isn’t he? Is No Mercy the last time we’ll hear the dulcet tones of High-Quality Speaker Boy? Da Meltz reported in his paper dirt sheet that it would be. Then he corrected himself online and said he won’t be. The Torch is saying they’ve worked something out with him in regard to travel arrangements so that he can be at his desk on Wall Street bright and early each Wednesday morning. If they did work something out, that’s a good thing, not only because we’re all getting off on him right now and enjoying the show a lot more because he’s there, but also because I totally went insane trying to think of who the hell would replace him, and came up with no one (especially with the possibility of Tazz leaving in a few months). So, good for you, WWE, if you kept him. Otherwise, we’d end up with something worse than Don West. If that’s possible.
And just to remind you, H. J. Heinz, Inc. and its subsidiaries discriminate against people with chronic illnesses. Boycott Heinz products (and there are a lot more than 57 of them to boycott). Yes, this is staying in all my columns for the time being.
And it’s time for Smackdown…
Match Results:
DAVE and Bobby Lashley over Sir Mister Regal and Sir Mister Finlay (Pinfall, Lashley pins Regal, spear): Well, if they wanted some attention to be directed toward the show on its new corporate home, this was a good way to do it. Decent brawl that allowed Finlay and Regal to set the tone, which is a good thing considering the type of match. If given fifteen, this would have made a good PPV match. However, it was also an indicator that Lashley still needs to be carried a little. He’s not ready for the world title, and they know it. Expect a Booker victory at No Mercy, but it’ll be a more watchable match than you might think.
Incoming!
Matt Hardy over Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, low blow and rollup): Yeah, like I paid attention to it at all. Next.
Insert “throwing out the (white) trash” joke here
Mike Mizanin over Sho Funaki (Pinfall, his stupid shitty little swinging neckbreaker): You know, it’s bad enough that Matt Hardy attempts to use that move as a finisher. Seeing Mizanin use it is ludicrous. Of course, it does have the nice side effect (reference intended) of exposing exactly how weak that move is, so, yes, Steve, I do often see positives.
A test of strength between these two is like watching Richard Stallman and Linus Torvalds attempting to pick up hot chicks in a bar
Chavito versus Rey-Rey (ND, total collapse of all sanity): This was a Preparatory Pimp Match for No Mercy, of course. The problem is that by blowing this one off, and in the transition slot no less, they’ve got to add a stip to the No Mercy match. Right now, there’s no good stip that works well with these two other than Falls Count Anywhere, and I’m not sure how well that match would work. The thing we all admit, though, is that we’re way into Eddy Fatigue. We just want this stuff to end, and end now. Unfortunately, it won’t end, since I don’t think they’d blow this feud off at No Mercy. Survivor Series, maybe, but not No Mercy.
You know what comes next
Paul London and Brian Kendrick over Kid Kash and Jamie Noble and Aaron Stevens and KC James, Triple Threat Tag Title Match (Pinfall, London pins Noble, assisted reversal of rollup): Ending was a bit out-of-nowhere, but otherwise? Not bad at all. Unfortunately, I think we all wanted to see this on PPV, given sufficient PPV time, instead of having it wasted on the CW premiere. It’s understandable why they pulled the trigger, but it’s not acceptable. A little too much deviation into Triple Threat Formula for a match featuring these six guys, but otherwise, no real complaints. Redo it and make it longer at No Mercy. And throw in a ladder in the process.
Kash and Noble welcome Stevens to the big leagues the old-fashioned way
Sylvain Grenier over Tatanka (Pinfall, sit-down on sunset flip attempt): Damn you, bookers. I wanted to see if Grenier actually had a finisher. Quite frankly, I don’t care what Booking 101 says. If you’ve got a heel that you’re trying to get over, he’s in his hometown, he’s getting face pops, give him a clean pinfall win after a hard-fought contest. It helps provide the illusion that the guy’s a better wrestler than he probably is, and it pops the crowd so hard that some of it can’t help but sink into the television audience. You want to get Grenier over with us? Give him some help.
A prophet with honor in his hometown
The Undertaker over Booker T, Non-Title Match (DQ, low blow): The Undertaker has officially become McDonalds. You know what you’re going to get, you know it’s not going to taste that great, but it’s cheap, filling, and oddly satisfying. I think that’s all that needs to be said, don’t you?
Being given the world title again, that’s respect. The Undertaker letting him superplex you, that’s REALLY respect.
Angle Developments:
Booker shows Teddy Long the way to Michelle McCool’s heart
Out With The Old: So, new network, new opening credits. These suck worse than the last set did. What the hell do these drawings have to do with anything? You know what’s going to happen to these credits. As guys in them get released/fired/Wellnessed-out, they’ll have to be edited, and they’ll end up looking like the patchwork chaos that are the Raw opening credits. Except it’ll be a great deal worse, because the Raw opening credits had a good base to work from. This base is just…bad concept, guys, really. And the first wrestler shot being a lingering view of Rey-Rey in an Eddy Memorial T-Shirt? Oh, there’s going to be some karma to pay for that.
What really pisses me off is that they’re not even good drawings
Chicagoans know that Els are meant to be ridden
Why buy when you can rent for two weeks of ratings pops?
Hmmm, this format isn’t too bad, actually. Depending on when I get stuff downloaded, it gets done very quickly, and if I don’t have time for an individual show, I don’t lose the whole column. I think I’ll stick with it for the time being. Until Tuesday, have a good weekend, enjoy No Surrender (or at least try), and I’ll be back.
