HA!
RAW IS THOUGH:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Raw is all in Dark match tonight… technical difficulties it seems… so JR & Lawler try to explain it all to us.
They blew a fuse. Funny.
Half the arena is in shadow, and it looks pretty badass.
Lillian is trying to talk – the Titantron is busted.
“Kurt Angle has broken the WWE!” – Me
So the music plays and here comes Candice Michelle, but we are under the assumption that the music is playing just for the TV audience!
This is the first round of the Woman’s Tournament.
Now here comes Lita! She’s looking really good tonight!
“I think it’s lack of lighting” – Hernandez
She grabs the microphone…
“Let me just get one thing straight. I shouldn’t even be here right now. I was the former Women’s champion.” – Lita
“What are you Dante?” – Hernandez
“Jonathan Coachman agrees, I should at least get a bye into the next round or a special guest referee. Now let me introduce the next WWE Champion… Edge!” – Lita
Edge feels up Candace to check for weapons. Now feels up Lita.
“I like Dark Matches..” – Mike
“So that’s what these look like!” – Jenna
CANDICE vs. LITA
First Round Women’s Tournament!
So the bell rings.
Edge spears Lita.
Lita pins Edge.
Hey Cena runs down!!! He hits Edge to clear the ring, and now they have some other refs checking out Candice.
In the background – you can see the Titantron booting up.
Tonight – DX Runs the 3 Team Gauntlet.
Also Kane faces Nitro
“STOP SHOWING CLIPS! YOU ARE SUCKING ALL THE JUICE!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:08
The lights are on as we get back in. Cena’s on the mic.
“TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!” – Me
Cena tries to sell that Edge turned off the lights to run away from Cena.
“We all know Kurt did it.” – Mike
So Edge interrupts him.
“I hate you Cena, and I lost my shirt.” – Bill
Cena wants Edge tonight. Edge says no. He is going to invoke the rematch clause when he wants.
“Isn’t that the General Manager’s job?” – Eric
Edge says he’s going to go celebrate – Cena rags on him for awhile further. We discuss that since they are in Oklahoma… JR turned off the lights to try and fix the other side of his face.
“Walks by.. licks the fusebox..” – Hernandez
“Lita’s like the Oklahoma football field.. huge and takes eleven guys at once.” – Cena
“Red rocket?” – Me
He then continues to call Lita a slut. He’s actually pretty on with the jokes tonight.
“I hear this week after week. I have feelings!” – Lita
“She’s not on script – she just wants out of the gimmick.. so Lita vs. Cena?” – Bill
“Edge is a better wrestler than Cena.”
“True” – Me
“The entire backstage is a better wrestler than Cena.”
“True” – Me & Bill
“Lita then proclaims that she is a better wrestler than Lita.”
“LIES LIES LIES!” – Hernandez
So Cena says that he can beat Lita with one arm behind his back… so Edge accepts the challenge for Lita.
“Dammit, why was Bill right?” – Eric
“You could see it without a telescope” – Bill
So WWE was in Mexico City.
Lillian speaks in Spanish, which is really hot actually.
So Kane’s pyro hits.
“..lights go out…” – Hernandez
“Kane looks ponderous tonight.” – Me
“He’s ponderous most nights… he’s just a ponderous kind of guy” – Bill
KANE vs. JOHNNY NITRO
Intercontinental Umaga Run-In
They announce to us that Umaga has been BANNED from ringside, hmm?
Hey, here comes Melina with Nitro…. Melina is looking pretty ok tonight actually.. well, except her face. Nitro forgot to hide her cootch spot… nice.
Anyway, he finally slides in and Kane grabs him and slides him the REST of the way out.. nice spot.
So Kane grabs him and throws him to the corner, still in the fur coat. He eats the side slam. Melina then grabs Kane’s leg – Lawler calls her Lita – and Kane throws her out.
Nitro gets thrown out now… he runs up to the top turnbuckle, leaps, and eats the big boot to his gut.
“I call that the bitch kick.” – Mike
“Why?” – Bill
“Because bitch, you screwed up..” – Mike
Down runs Umaga – Chairshot – Faceplant – Buttsquish – etc.
Umaga rolls out and moves the stairs after floundering around for a bit. Slams Kane with the stairs against the corner. Nice sound. So Umaga and Alejandro yell around a bit. ooOOoo…
“They should do a storyline where Umaga is soothed by music.” – Bill
**I pantomime violin – Bill lurches forward**
In the back Shawn is reading the WWE magazine and Trips interrupts him, while Shawn’s reading the article ALL ABOUT Trips!
“I even talk about my wacky facial hair..” – Triple H
“RIVETING!!!!” – Shawn
They then pimp their clothing and WWEShopzone.
MARIA INTERRUPTS THEM!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!! She’s wearing a sparkly green number.
She asks about the gauntlet match. Trips has two words for Jonathan Coachman.
“No way?” – Maria
Trips offers to give Maria a visual aid… Shawn pulls him away. Hey, here’s Eugene. Maria tells Eugeme what DX just told her, and he passes out after a crossed-eye spot.
Cute. Yay, Maria.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:29
This week in wrestling history.
“Kurt ANgle screws us over.. the end.” – Hernandez
In San Juan Puerto Rico – Andre the Giant faced Gorilla Monsoon in a boxing match! Andre won in round three.
In the back Shelton is talking to Torie, but Coach interrupts him as he wants to discuss that he was overlooked because he’s black.
“Well look, I’m black too.” – Bill
Coach explains that he’s had LOTS of opportunities. They walk by Hacksaw.
“I’m black…. HOOOOO!!!” – Me
Coach feels that Shelton should have come to him. He knows what it’s like being a black man in the WWE. Shelton goes ape on him.
“Dick Chaney has more soul than you!” – Shelton
So Hardy runs up and asks ‘What’s up my Nizzles..’ Awesome.
“Way to go Vanilla Ice.” – Jenna
Of course, we get Shelton vs. Jeff Hardy.
“What’s with all this black on black violence” – Bill
Jeff than refers to Shelton as ‘dawg’
“Apparently, the tranqs are still working in Jeff.” – Hernandez
So before this spot can end, Edge stops Coach and asks him to make the Lita/Cena match. He’s going to do it and make it better – No Holds Barred…
“Mr McMahon hates matches that are .. predictible” – Coach
“Line of the night..” – Me
“But does them anyway out of necessity.” – Bill
So Coach adds the stip that Edge can’t lay a HAND on Cena.
“Nobody said he can’t lay a chair.. a set of stairs… on him.” – Me
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:38
Ric verus Mikey.
Mikey hits the rope, Ric throws the hiptoss.
Mikey gets to his feet and throws Ric to the corner, follows it up with punches and kicks. Ric flips him and now choppity chop. Mike as a note, is calling the match before they do any of this.
To their feet, Ric hits the ropes and a shouldercheck. Hits the ropes again and eats a dropkick for two.
Mikey lifts up Ric, and a knee to his chest gets a chop in response. Ric gets brought BACK to the corner followed up with a choke to his throat. Bodyslam from Mikey. He climbs up to the top and drops a nice elbow. Back in the corner. Slaps to Ric.
Ric grabs him by his face and throws him to the corner for more chops and punches.
“Can you imagine what Ric Flair’s fingers taste like” – Bill
They now go punch to punch. Ric wins the chopfest. Duh. He wrings the leg a few times, Mikey sells like a trooper, and as he’s about to go for the figure-four – in runs another member of the SS who gets TOSSED over the top rope… a swift punch to the face and a pull of the tights – Ric wins it.
WINNER: RIC FLAIR
“I’d like to believe Ric could chop for twenty minutes and people would still pop” – Mike
“I’d like to believe that he practices his chops like Pei Mei from Kill Bill with the block of wood” – Me
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:48
John Cena was on MADtv. It didn’t make it funnier. Ok, him chopping the lil chinese guy was funny.
Hey – DX is here! Niiice… Are you Ready…
I still pop for their music – I’ll admit it.
DEGENERATION X vs. ?????
“Has the atom bomb always been in their entrance theme?” – Eric
“I just noticed it myself.. but Brian Clark is suing..” – Me
Who are they going to face?
“Kanyon” – Hernandez
“Haas & Viscera” – Mike & Bill
“Sean Waltman & …umm…” – Eric
“Syxx & The 123 Kid” – Hernandez
“The Zombie Faction” – Jenna
So they give the whole intro spiel.. then look around to the crowd.
“They’re looking for Kanyon” – Hernandez
Leads right into the replay of last week’s Unforgiven match.
DEGENERATION X vs. The Highlanders!?
So the Highlanders run on down – and put the furs on DX… and then they introduce themselves. No mics and you can hear ‘I’M ROBBIE..’
Trips takes Robbie and leads him into the corner… Shawn Superkicks Rory to finish THAT one…
Shit.
WINNER: DX
DEGENERATION X vs. VISCERA & HAAS
“Hey look, another blackout” – Hernandez
So Haas starts in the ring with Triple H. They lock-up and Haas throws Trips into the corner.
“So the guys from Heat get opposition… but the guys who are going for the belts lose in ten seconds?!” – Eric
“I know i know” – Me
Trips tags in Shawn and Haas shoulderchecks Shawn – then slaps him hard. Michaels grabs Haas and chops HIM in the corner. Haas thumbpokes him. Tags Viscera.
Micheals tries to toss Viscera to the ropes. Visc grabs him and Black Hole Slam. Short arm clothesline to HBK for two.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:03
Back in the ring – Haas is stretching Michaels. Shawn fights out of it and gets headslammed down. Haas then charges after Hunter
Fast tag to Trips – ducks the punches – tosses him to the corner, reversed by Visc, but then ducks down. Trips throws him to the ropes – reversed again – face buster.. but Visc doesn’t fall… another clothesline…. Visc still won’t fall – til finally HBK joins it. A double clothesline. Hunter grabs Haas – Pedigree.
HBK superkicks Visc… NICELY!
“His foot got stock!” – Hernandez
DEGENERATION X vs. CADE & MURDOCH
So in they run and the doublepunch spotas DX clears them. Cade and Michaels end up in the ring. Shouldercheck from Michaels. Kick-up. Atomic drop. Michaels turns around and gets beaten by Murdoch.
Tag to Murdoch now as Cade clotheslines Michaels down.
“Looking at Murdoch is like looking at a tiny moon.. he’s so white.” – Bill
Michaels ends up in the corner with Cade – Murdoch tosses him out and now they both fight around the outside. Murdoch tosses Shawn into the corner while Hunter beats Cade down.
Murdoch runs in and grabs Hunter to save Cade – they toss him into the stairs. They both now head after Shawn. In the ring Cade runs in with a chair — Shawn grabs him and hits the atomic drop! Hunter runs in and they slap chairs, knocking out Cade.
Bell rings.. and… DX wins? But they never hit anyone?! Ah well, botched spot.
WINNER: DX.. we guess
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:11
CRYME TYME err.. TIME…
So a white guy goes to the ATM.
Cryme Time mugs him with a boot to the face.
“White boy got straight up laid out.” – Narrator
“Shelton should be totally pissed off” – Mike
Hey look, Jeff Hardy.
AIN’T NO STOPPING HIM NOWWwwwwwwWwWw.
SHELTON vs. HARDY
Ebony & Irony
Jeff claps to rev the crowd.
“Nobody cares.” – Eric
“RUUUDY.. RUUUUUDY” – Me
Lock-up. Sideheadlock from Shelty – shouldertackle drops Hardy. Shelty hits the ropes, Hardy gets up for an armdrag. A double. Shelton walks up and shoves Hardy. Hardy shoves back. Now Hardy against the ropes – he ducks a clothesline and hits a flying crossbody. Hardy hits the ropes – and Shelty ducks so Hardy goes over the ropes to land on the apron.
Shelton punches him down to the outside.
Shelton throws him back in and now beats him on the back. Shelty boots Hardy in the corner. Bodyslam. Then knees in Hardy’s back. Jawbreaker to Shelty and they are both down.
They go fist to fist. Another crossbody and another pin for two.
Hardy hits the Whisper In The Wind. He gets the pin, but Shelty’s leg on the ropes calls it for two. Shelton paces up and Hardy wins with an inside cradle.
WINNER: HARDY
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
Hey! It’s Randy Orton.
….Hey?
Hey!….
Tag team match apparently.
Here comes Chris Mathters…
“Oh dear god” – Eric
“POWWWWDERED TOAAAAASSTTT MAAAAN” – Bill
RANDY ORTON & CHRITH MATHTERTH vs. (Probably)SUPERCRAZY & CARLITO
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:33
Hey – It’s Super Crazy!
“Smelling of fertilizer” – Hernandez
And he spits in the face of non-cool things… Carlito.
Lock-up between Masters and Carlito. Carlito spins it around for a few chops.
“It’s so much easier to get around him now!” – Hernandez
Masters elbows Carlito – tosses him to the ropes – Carlito spins around for a dropkick and a pin for two.
Tag to Super Crazy! Masters kicks him down and tags in Orton. Snapmare from Orton. Right into a tight headlock on the mat. Crazy fights his way out – but Orton pummels him down. He lifts up SC and gets thrown in a screw. Tag to Carlito – Tag to Orton. Carlito hits the ropes – second rope – back elbow. Orton runs in and gets a kneelift and a clothesline.
Carlito grabs Masters and hits a sit-down flapjack, real nice. Orton in there with SC now. He hits the sunset flip – roll-out to the dropkick. SC leaps up and MISSES the moonsault. Crazy rolls out of the ring. Carlito runs in and throws out Orton! Masters runs in and hits the Masterrrrloo-NO! He elbows out of it and hits the backcracker!
Pin – and that’s it…
Carlito turns around to eat the RKO.
WINNER: CARLITO
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:43
Coachman is now in the ring…
“Vince McMahon I hope you enjoy this. Ladies & Gentleman it is my privalege my former Mentor. Former Boss. Former General Manager of Monday Night Raw…”
“STEVE AUSTIN!?” – Eric
“Eric Bischoff.”
“I want Eugene to come down… UNKA ERIC WHERE YA BEEN!?” – Me
Eric Bischoff thanks Coachman for allowing him this time. They hug.
“Kiss.” – Hernandez
“Before Vincent Kennedy McMahon fired me unceremoniously back in December, I signed a book deal with WWE. My book is finished. ‘Controversy Creates Cash’ In this book I tell the truth. My career in Sportz Entertainment. In this book I tell the truth about alot of things that are going to piss off Vincent Kennedy McMahon…”
“I REVEAL JR’S SECRET SAUCE!” – Me
“I tell how there wouldn’t be a DX without the NWO. I tell the truth about Mr McMahon and how there would be no Mister McMahon if there wasn’t an Eric Bischoff…”
“..f*cking Mrs. McMahon” – Hernandez
So they cut off Bischoff with Coach’s music, followed by Lita coming down to the ring with Lita and a rope.
LITA vs. JOHN CENA
That was fun typing that.. I’m going to do it again..
LITA vs. JOHN CENA
“Where’s the ball gag?” – Hernandez
“THE GIMP.. ISSSS… HEEEREEE” – Bill
So Cena is getting tied up.
Lita charges in – and Cena blocks it. Thumb to the eye and a knee to the groin.
“John, do some kung fu shit..” – Bill
“Yeah Cena, show those troops how things get done… you beat up that woman!” – Insider Mr. Pink
Lita goes to hit and is blocked. He picks her up. FU Set-up.. One armed FU…
“That was the best FU he has EVER done.” – Mike
Pin. Win.
WINNER: CENA
So here comes Finley – Booker – and Regal!
They drop Cena and now just kick him and beat the hell out of him with a Shileighle.
“Listen here Buttercup.. This is a Donkey Punch!” – Me
They continue to beat on him for another five minutes or so.
Booker starts talking..
“I wanna go to Medieval Times..” – Mike
“So Cena, tonight you will kiss the royal feet of King Bookahhhhhhh”
“Flava Flav?” – Mike
Cena tries to fight his way out of it… fails. Booker removes his boot.
“You think that Raw would rally behind the Smackdown guys beating on their champ..” – Eric
“Nah, Lita was right… they hate him” – Mike
So they drag Cena to his foot.
“Ever kiss a black man’s foot – you never go back.” – Mike
Finally they smush Cena’s face into it.
“Just think.. it’s not Big Show’s ass.. It’s not Big Show’s ass..” – Bill
So after all this has gone on … Edge grabs the mic. Babbles on and next week he invokes his rematch clause in a steel cage.
“Can you see that?” – Edge
“He should have said ‘Can You Dig That!’ – Bill
“And then Booker runs out ‘SUCKAAAAHHHHHH'” – Hernandez
So, final opinions?
“I like cake!” – Hernandez, as we’ve got him a birfday cake.
“Waaay too long..” – Eric
“This whole show should have been in the dark” – Mike
“The JR bit in the beginning was funny” – Jenna
“It was alright” – Bill
So it was a hit or miss… as we see.
So one last thing – as you might have noticed over the last few weeks I’ve been referencing the forum board users. After a poll, we decided on the name ‘Insiders’ – so if you want to be an INSIDER – log onto the forums and get going on the Monday Night Rabble forum and you too might be quoted on the show that talks back.
Thanks again for listening, for reading, and for being.
We’ll see you next week!
