The SmarK 24/7 Rant for World Championship Wrestling – July 20 1985
– Your hosts are Tony Schaivone & David Crockett
– We start with clips of the Rock N Roll beating Ivan & Repo Man to win the tag titles. It somewhat cheapens the thrill when it’s the third guy in a three-man team that night. But holy CRAP, check out the MEGA-POP that the fans give them for winning. I think they might be onto something with these Ricky and Robert guys.
– Tully Blanchard joins us to let us know that he wasn’t born into wealth like David Crockett was. I don’t recall Joe Blanchard panhandling for money, there, Tully.
– Manny Fernandez v. Art Fritz. Quick dropkick from Manny to start, and he works on the arm with a hammerlock on the mat. Fritz tries to counter, so Manny kicks him in the face and wristlocks him, twisting the arm in a way that looks really unnatural. Is this jobber made of rubber? Fernandez ties him up on the mat with an indian deathlock, forcing Fritz to make the ropes, and then he blocks a charge with an elbow and follows with a high cross to finish at 4:00.
– And now, Dusty Rhodes brings Baby Doll to Nelson Royal’s ranch, so that he might teach her to be a lady. First order of business: Shoveling manure. Pygshitmalion, if you will. No real comedy value here, sadly.
– Jim Crockett himself joins us to announce the Superstation Championship Challenge Series, as all the champions will have to defend their belts on TBS, starting next week with Dusty v. Arn Anderson for the TV title.
– Ivan Koloff, Nikita Koloff & Khrusher Khruschev v. Jason Walker, Mark Cooper and Jobber Whose Name I Missed. One of the jobbers is a really well built black guy, who I’m shocked they didn’t push based on his look alone. The main victim here is Jason Walker, who has a jewfro and not much else going for him. All the Russian take turns teeing off on him, including an awesome move from Comrade Smash, as he puts the kid in a body vice and then repeatedly bashes the back of his head into the turnbuckle. That’s the shit, man. Why didn’t he do that with Demolition? Nikita lets the skinny guy, Mark Cooper, in, and just pounds the hell out of him. “Oh, he wants new meat!” David exclaims excitedly. Nikita finishes the poor guy with the Sickle at 4:54. Good, total squash.
– The Midnight Express v. Richard Dye & Pat Garner. Eaton quickly comes in with a high knee off the top and adds a neckbreaker for Pat Garner, and then allows Dye to come in and probably live up to his name. Condrey abuses the guy, rubbing his face in the mat, and Eaton elbows him off the top and then drops a rather vicious knee on the guy. Condrey steps on him after some choking, and Bobby shoots back up again for a missile dropkick, and Dye is dead. STO from Condrey, but he still doesn’t want it, and Eaton drops an elbow to finish at 3:09 after establishing that the jobber is total dead weight. David wonders how the Midnight Express would do against the Rock N Roll Express. Sounds like an interesting match, wonder if it ever happened?
– The Barbarian v. Gerald Finlay. Barbarian overpowers him to start, but Finlay gets a dropkick before screwing up a bodypress out of the corner and getting hammered down. Well, he deserves it for that. Barbarian bites his face and tosses him, which gives Paul Jones some time to add a cheapshot. Back in, big boot and flying headbutt finish at 3:03. Slow motion replay clearly shows Barbarian absorbing all the impact himself and then lowering his head the six inches or so to Finlay’s chest, but it was a simpler time before I could pick that kind of stuff out anyway.
– Back at the ranch, Dusty puts Baby Doll on a horse to humiliate her, and she steals it and runs away. That’s right, Dusty gets heels over by making them HORSE THIEVES. Just like in the old days!
– Terry Taylor v. Alan Martin. Martin grabs a headlock while David notes that Taylor is a “credit to the profession” when he can’t really find anything else to say about him. What next, he’ll introduce him as “a swell guy”? No wonder he never got over. Taylor takes the jobber down with a top wristlock and works a headlock and finishes with the five-arm at 3:02.
– Arn Anderson joins us to point out the list of teams who still haven’t been able to get it done against him and Ole, and thus are nothing but talk. So bring it, bitches.
– Brett & Buzz Sawyer v. Mike Davis & Tommy Lane. Cornette, on commentary, calls David & Lane the Rock N Roll RPMs, so they were teaming under that name around this time, obviously. The Sawyers double-team Lane to start, and Buzz forearms him down out of the corner. Cornette notes that the Sawyers should be called the Lee brothers: Home and Ug. Lane comes in again and they work on his arm, so Davis heads back in and also gets his arm worked over by Buzz. And with that, we take a break and return with the second hour, the BIGGEST HOUR IN WRESTLING as Tony would say years later. Cornette thinks that the Sawyers are out of his team’s league just by virtue of being so much uglier. The delivery here is amazing. So anyway, Brett criss-crosses with Lane and knocks him down with a forearm, and Buzz follows up with a hammerlock slam. Lane finally escapes and brings in Davis, but Buzz takes him down with an armdrag and Brett comes in with a top rope legdrop onto the arm. The RPMs get a cheapshot and do some double-teaming on Brett, however, and Davis gets a backbreaker for two. However, Brett gets a rollup out of nowhere for the pin at 8:58. Mostly squashtastic, but the RPMs got enough offense to at least make it competitive. **
– However, Jim Cornette gets all in their face, and we have an IMPROMPTU MATCH!
– The Midnight Express v. The Sawyers. Buzz uses his speed (?) to evade Bobby with leapfrogs, and tries to slam Bobby while standing on the top, but Cornette hits him with the tennis racket, and he falls back to the mat, onto the racket, with Bobby on top of him. The Express adds stereo splashes from the top and really gets down to the business of kicking his ass, but Magnum TA and Manny Fernandez break up the fun and chase off the heels.
– Paul Jones has very little to say.
– Magnum TA is cutting his usual promo, but Arn Anderson butts in and again points out that everyone is a whiny bitch who won’t face him because they’re bitches, and TA is all “Fine, then get in the ring, BITCH” and Arn’s like “Oh, sorry, did you interpret my broad and insulting open challenge as meaning I want to wrestle you THIS week? My mistake” and leaves. Little bits like that, where Arn would talk the talk like the talkiest talker who ever talked, and then just as easily chicken out on the challenge, are what made him such a classic heel.
– Thunderbolt Patterson v. Adrian Bivens. While I’m typing up that whole TA v. AA bit and trying to make jokes, Thunderbolt finishes the jobber with his double thrust at 1:00.
– Tully is back to rub Dusty’s ranch mishaps in his face, and promises that losing the TV title is next.
– The Rock N Roll Express v. Lee Ramsay & Rob Rossy. Something’s edited out during the Express’s entrance, so it must have been “Rock N Roll is King” because I don’t think “Boogie Woogie Street” was until 1986. Do they own the rights to THAT gem? Ricky keeps Ramsay off-guard with armdrags and Robert comes in for the double-team, as they work over the knee. They switch off on that for a bit. Ricky’s just not very interesting unless someone is beating him into a pulp. Double dropkick finishes at 3:48.
– JJ Dillon wants to know why Flair won’t answer Buddy Landell’s challenge. Boy, THAT tune would change by the end of the year.
– Magnum TA v. Randy Barber. Another 10 second special.
– Jimmy Valiant cuts his usual incomprehensible promo against Paul Jones, and Manny Fernandez adds threats of a Mexican Death Match. Is that like a Texas Death Match before it gets a green card?
– Speaking of incomprehensible promos, Kevin Sullivan speaks of scorpions in jars and Dick Slater and stuff.
– Larry Clark v. Bob Roop. Now there’s a name you don’t see anymore. Bob Roop, not Larry Clark. Roop takes Clark down with a neck vice and works a headlock on the mat, drawing the boredom of the fans. He controls Clark on the mat with a half-nelson and finishes with a shoulderbreaker at 4:04. Zowie. Roop is the guy who discovered and trained Lex Luger, so you can thank him for that.
– AA is out, again, to add that people in the crowd are also punks and bitches who need to shut up and respect him.
– Black Bart v. Sam Houston. Sam gets a quick bodypress for one, catching Bart off-guard. Another one gets one again. Houston works the arm and fends off Bart’s attempts to beat on him in the corner, but gets fancy with a pair of flying headscissors and Bart drops him on his head and stomps away. Suplex gets two. A rather melodramatic backbreaker gets two. Bart works on the arm, but Houston escapes another backbreaker and tries the bulldog. Bart counters by shoving him into the corner, and finishes with the middle rope legdrop at 5:44. *1/2
– Tony and David wrap things up, and we’re out!
