The SmarK RAW Supershow Super-Rant – 09.05.11

The SmarK RAW Supershow Super-Rant – 09.05.11

– Live from Columbus, OH.

– Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross

CM Punk starts us out, thus breaking the streak of COOHHH opening the show.   Punk clarifies for us that he is lacking the filter between his brain and his mouth, which is probably why he tends to annoy so many people.  But whereas Punk is different, Kevin Nash is the same all the time.  So he offers him a chance to do something different:  Face Punk like a man.  So Kevin “PS” Nash joins us and Punk immediately mocks his million different lame gimmicks and the fact that he hasn’t been relevant since 1994.  I like that Punk breaks the rhythm of the usual promos here, interrupting Nash and complaining over COOHHH’s entrance music when he interrupts.  So our COO reveals that the arena in LA sent security footage of Nash sending the text message to his own phone.  Really?  That’s what they’re going with?  I’m immediately reminded of the movie Adaptation as far as ridiculous plot twists go, as Nash is apparently now starring in The Three.  Nash and HHH have their big confrontation over it and Nash gets all handsy, leading to HHH laying him out and firing him.  Rough week for Big Kev.

Meanwhile, Executive VP of Flagbearing Johnny Ace joins Nash in the limo on the way out of the arena.

Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne v. Jinder Mahal & The Great Khali

This is non-title for whatever reason.  Despite the fans voting the name “Air Boom”, they should change it to Sonic Boom.  Mahal pounds on Bourne and puts him down with a high knee, and a butterfly suplex gets two.  Khali chokes him out in the corner and Mahal drops knees until Bourne gets his own knees up and it’s hot tag Kofi.  Dropkick and clothesline for Mahal, but he tumbles out of the ring due to Khali holding down the top rope.  Khali then accidentally KOs Mahal and Bourne finishes with Air Bourne at 3:10.  *1/2

Meanwhile, Alberto Del Rio arrives.  That’s a pretty major etiquette breach if he’s showing up that late.  God help him if he doesn’t shake everyone’s hand backstage too.

Eve Torres v. Beth Phoenix

Winner of this gets the title shot at Night of Champions.  They fight over a knucklelock and Eve slugs her down, but gets whipped into the post.  She works the arm until Even comes back, but the Glam Slam finishes at 2:01.  Total mess.  ½*  The DIVAS OF DOOM lay out the heroic divas afterwards as the announcers are now trying to get “Sisters of Destruction” over as the team name.  Make up your damn minds!

Meanwhile, ADR tries to convince Christian to take out John Cena by using some specious logic, but it appears to work.

CM Punk v. R-Truth

But first!  Miz and Truth do some light comedy and talk about the conspiracy surrounding them, and challenge Bourne & Kingston at Night of Champions.  Miz says what we’re all thinking:  Air Boom is the stupidest name anyone’s ever heard.  Truth dubs them “sneaky fart” instead.  Miz:  “I’m gonna handle this one:  WHAT?!”  These guys are great together.  Punk takes Truth down for two and stomps him, then goes to the headlock on the mat.  Truth slugs him down in the corner and grabs his own headlock, but they criss-cross and Punk dropkicks Truth to the floor and follows with a tope suicida. Back in, Truth gets a snapmare for two and goes to the chinlock, then tosses him for some abuse from Miz and his cheap suit.  Cole is starting to go a little batshit on commentary, mocking JR in increasingly nasty fashion.  Well who had 65 minutes in the pool?  Punk gets a small package for two, and a backslide for two.  Truth slugs him down again, then goes to a half-crab and works on the knee.  The match is dying and Cole goes off on some fucking stupid rant against JR and it’s not helping.  They head up and Punk brings him down with a superplex, then makes the comeback with the running knee and bulldog into the flying clothesline.  Truth blocks the GTS and hits the front suplex for two.  Axe kick misses and Miz trips up Punk, resulting in ejection by the ref.  GTS finishes at 9:40.  Punk seems to be cooling off fast judging by crowd reactions here and last week.  **1/4  COOHHH comes out again, this time to announce that the PPV match is now no-DQ.  Punk agrees as long as HHH resigns as COO if Punk wins.  If I might quote Rick Harrison, Uh, yeah, that’s not gonna happen.  Gah, why do they feel the need to gimmick up everything in desperation?

Meanwhile, ADR moves onto his next target:  Wade Barrett.

Coming in 2012:  The WWE Network.  Not bloody likely.  Good luck getting anyone to carry it even if they can launch it.

David Otunga & David McGillicutty v. Jerry Lawler & Zack Ryder

We finally get a video package on Ryder explaining the “Long Island Iced Z” deal to fans who don’t hang out on Youtube.  The Nexus controls Ryder in the corner, but Ryder gets a flapjack and brings Lawler in.  King slugs Otunga down for two and drops the fist, but Ryder wants the tag in.  Roughrider finishes at 2:03.  What a weird way to introduce Ryder.  DUD

Meanwhile,  ADR recruits Dolph Ziggler for what I’m assuming is a match tonight.

Randy Orton v. Heath Slater

Orton sends him into the post and puts him down with forearms, setting up the Garvin Stomp.  Slater fires back with an enzuigiri for two and goes to a chinlock, and a spinebuster gets two.  Funny note (to me):  Cole plugs the upcoming live shows in Canada, powered exclusively by K-Mart.  This is funny because K-Mart hasn’t been in Canada for years now.  Orton escapes chinlock and finishes with the draping DDT and RKO at 2:50.  Total squash.

John Cena joins us, predicting that Alberto Del Rio will not in fact be fighting him tonight.  ADR appears and confirms that this is indeed true, and he sends out the “Rudos of RAW” to attack Cena, which draws out the babyfaces to make the save.  Teddy Long decides to make it a conveniently set up 8 man elimination match, because HHH isn’t around.

John Cena, Sheamus, Alex Riley & John Morrison v. Christian, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & Wade Barrett.

I have to say, this is a relatively star-studded match with a stip that’s usually on PPV – why not promote it for a week instead of throwing it out as an impromptu match at the end of the show?  Barrett hits the Bossman slam on Riley for two, but Morrison comes in and gets a standing C4 on Ziggler, then cleans house on the heels.  Ziggler catches him with the sleeper, but Swagger tags himself in and applies the anklelock for the tapout at 2:19.  And we take a break as Vickie comes out to scout.  I thought she had already hired Swagger?  Back with Ziggler holding a headlock on Riley, but Alex makes the comeback with clotheslines and the spinebuster.  He goes after the heels and Ziggler hits him with the fameasser for two, however.  And again, Swagger tags himself in and applies the anklelock, but this time Riley rolls out of it, so Swagger gets the pump splash and reapplies for the tapout at 4:49.  So Sheamus comes in and pounds on Swagger, and a short clothesline gets two.  Barrett comes back on him with a knee to the gut and he chokes away on the ropes, and a big boot gets two.  He goes to the chinlock but Sheamus quickly comes back and powerslams him.  Kneelift on the apron and he goes up with the flying shoulderblock, but he misses the Brogue Kick.  Barrett tries a pumphandle slam, but Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick for the pin at 8:28.  Christian comes in and gets two on Sheamus, then goes for the Killswitch, but Sheamus dumps him and they run into the crowd and out of the match at 9:30.  So this leaves Cena alone with Ziggler and Swagger.  I don’t like those odds for Team Vickie.  As expected, Cena destroys both of them, but runs into a Ziggler dropkick.  Luckily, Cena makes the comeback and hits both guys with the five knuckle shuffle, but runs into a suplex from Swagger.  Swagger gets the pump splash, but now Ziggler tags himself in, and immediately takes the FU at 13:35.  Swagger gets the anklelock, but Cena reverses to the STF at 14:10 to overcome the odds and win yet again. **1/2  ADR tries a sneak attack and he too takes the FU.  GOD FORBID that John Cena show the least bit of weakness.

The Pulse

Well the Nash-Punk-HHH storyline has officially gone off a cliff, with Nash now sending himself text messages and Punk losing heat by the week.  But that’s OK, because Orton squashed the fuck out of someone and Cena beat 2 guys by himself, so they’re set for a while.  Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.


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