Welcome back to the greatest Thursday morning column on Inside Pulse, The Stomping Ground! I’m Mike Gojira, the greatest prophet since Nostradamus, and I’ll be your host as usual. Why am I calling myself a prophet this week? Well, remember when CM Punk made his abrupt return after a two-week sabbatical and I declared that the angle would somehow lose steam for it? Remember how I was lambasted for it? Huh?! Do ya?!
Looks like I was right all along.
In fairness, Glazer told me not to make a big deal out of it, which I assume was reverse psychology because he wanted me to proclaim it loudly and proudly.
By the time you read this I will be in school, ready to teach my 8th grade gremlins ’til I’m blue in the face. Some would think I’d take the easy route and type a paragraph of nonsense, claiming that all my time has been spent preparing for class the next day and that I could not formulate a well-developed column.
Those people are morons.
In the spirit of the old “This Week in ‘E” column, I thought I’d attack a number of hot topics that have gotten under people’s skin for the past week here at the Pulse. And I don’t care if you don’t like it; there WILL be a quiz afterward, so look sharp and pay attention!
The Divas Division
Kelly Floyd will probably blacklist me for this (luv ya, Kel!) but it has to be said: I think Kelly Kelly has improved immensely in the ring. I also think AJ would make an amazing girlfriend, but what do I know? I’m just a man with a penis.
In all seriousness (HA!), I like the Kharma 2.0 storyline because it puts the spotlight on Beth Phoenix and Natalya. They have the wrestling pedigree to truly make the division shine, but turning them heel seems to be counterproductive. Think about it: in the real world, both of these women would wrestle circles around the competition and deservedly so, but here in the WWE the fans are trained to hate them for their actions. The current path of this angle is sending the message that skinny and drop-dead gorgeous is the way to go if you want to succeed in this industry. While that message seems to be par for the course over the last decade when concerning the Divas, the company needs to show that equal opportunity is being upheld (which it’s not).
Kurt Angle’s Escapades
Kurt Angle is a crazed idiot. His latest brush with the law is a testament to that. The man has quite a history with “personal demons” but that’s okay; he’s the TNA Champion which means he’s entitled to act like that. At this point, TNA’s main event scene consists of a drunk, a druggie, an old man, a slightly younger old man with sociopathic tendencies (see Borden, Steve), a guy so despised that he’s only allowed to win titles across the border, and a midcarder who never should have climbed the ladder to success. Bonus points if you can figure out every name I dropped.
Concern Over Triple H/CM Punk
So Kevin Nash texted himself from Triple H’s phone? Huzuwhat?! It would make more sense if the damn Anonymous GM sent it instead! A lot of you have complained that Punk’s heat has died down, and I’d be inclined to agree with you. There are two reasons for this: Triple H and John Cena. By involving The Game directly into this, the company has essentially turned the crowd against Punk. Think about it: as it stands, Triple H is a face, doing all he can to make the fans happy. Along comes Punk, who, even after signing a lucrative deal and getting what he wants, still insists on pissing off the COO for no other reason than he just feels like it. Right now there has been no evidence that Triple H is behind everything and the lack of said evidence makes Punk look like a fool. John Cena’s at fault indirectly; he’s still on top of the roster and overshadows everything Punk does. Why do you think Randy Orton is over on Smackdown, dominating the Blue Crew? He never would have had that chance on Raw with Cena around. In order for Punk to survive this, Triple H needs to back off and Cena’s main event time needs to be scaled back.
Sure, Punk’s on TV for far longer than Cena, but John’s very presence supersedes anything Punk does. He needs to do something shocking or risk getting lost back in the sub-main event shuffle.
The Brand Extension Is NOT Over
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the brand extension IS NOT OVER. I see so many comments and columns talking about the Raw Supershow like it’s a total merger of the two shows, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. As Triple H said, Raw will showcase both Raw and Smackdown Superstars; however, the only storylines being furthered on Raw have been…you guessed it…Raw storylines! I hope last week’s Smackdown was an anomaly; we missed out on Cody Rhodes and some decent matches because of John Cena and an extended Raw contract signing. I don’t often read Smackdown spoilers, so I’m assuming things will go back to normal this week.
Revitalizing The Tag Team Scene
We’ll see how long Triple H can keep the Tag Team Championship scene revitalized; we only really have two teams in Air Boom and Miz/Truth, so hopefully the ‘E can make it as interesting as JeriShow/DX (the ending of which I was NOT fond of).
Better start paying those bridge taxes, or the trolls will get you.
And childish comments that completely override a perfectly good discussion are obnoxious.
Commentary Supersedes Match Quality
Yup, I’ve noticed it too. The constant bickering between the announcers has really taken away from my focus on the matches. The heart of the problem? One Michael Cole. When Jim Ross and Lawler bantered ten years ago, it was short, sweet, to the point, and went right back to the match at hand. Half the time the announcers argue about nonsense, like Booker T’s mangling of the English language or Josh Mathews’s terrible social life. Make the hurting stop!
Too Many Raw Recaps?
This is just an observation and not a condemnation, but do we really need FOUR Raw Recaps? You have the Live Report, Scott Keith’s Rant, For Your Consideration, and Top Ten Thoughts. They all say the same thing, with doses of humor sprinkled throughout.
Hmmm…kind of like most columns on a weekly basis……
Mike Gojira’s LEAST Fave Five
For some reason, I’ve been having trouble finding some decent moments this week. Instead, I’ll pick my Least Fave Five. That’ll be a hell of a lot easier.
1. Kevin Nash: I still don’t get what the long-term plan is for Nash. Having him put over Punk really does nothing because Nash is not relevant. Is the next step to have another mini-feud with Triple H? Yawn. He’s not even passable on the mic anymore.
2. Heath Slater: Generic country rock music? Check. Obligatory three-minute squash match? Check. Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to present to you the new JTTS. That’s Jobber To The Stars, not a misspelling of JTG’s name.
3. John Morrison: What a tool he’s become. Last week he wasn’t on Raw, and this week he’s a face run-in for John Cena. Then he taps out to make Jack Swagger, a guy who’s going nowhere fast, look good. Best of luck in your future endeavors.
4. Alex Riley: See John Morrison for more information.
5. Drew McIntyre: WTF?! I love this guy and he gets no time at all! Why bother giving him three seconds on camera if it’s just to belittle his presence? I seriously want to know what he’s done wrong.
That will do it for this week. Rhett Davis has a combo column up with Kelly Floyd (my second favorite Diva after AJ), there’s about seven Raw Recaps overtaking the column section, and every time a student tries to pass off crap as quality work, I die a little inside.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Tags: air boom, aj lee, Alex Riley, Beth Phoenix, Booker T, cm punk, Drew McIntyre, Heath Slater, jack swagger, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, john cena, John Morrison, Kelly Kelly, kevin nash, Kurt Angle, Michael Cole, Mike Gojira, Natalya, R-Truth, randy orton, The Miz, TNA, triple h, WWE, WWE Divas