Ladies and gentlemen, I am back. Tonight, the “Interinactivity Returns” tour begins, and I will be recapping each of the major TV wrestling shows, one per week, until “Interinactivity” begins again on the 28th of this month. Tonight, I cover Monday Night RAW, the highest-rated and most successful show in the history of the industry. What do you mean you were expecting Wheeler or Keith?
First off, I didn’t watch most of the PPV last night. I figured I had to watch RAW tonight anyway, so why tempt fate – plus, the card looked like a caulk sandwich. But believe it or not, I did try, against my better judgment. Shaemus and Christian was lame, and I’ve seen better crowd reactions from a Darren Young dark match. The Sin Cara thing was just odd and confusing, and that was before you add the mood lighting. The tag-team match was a little bit of fun, as Kofi and Evan usually are, and Randomly Assigned Tag-Team #2 even pulled a bit of weight.
But then I got about 25% of the way through that Mark Henry / Randy Orton match. Here is a list of all the things I accomplished rather than waiting for the other 75% of this match to go by:
- organized my entire iTunes library
- fixed up a giant bowl of mashed taters
- bowled 10 frames
- mowed the lawn
- watched the grass on my lawn grow
- mowed my lawn again
- got CPR certified
- achieved inner peace and total enlightenment
- evolved into a higher form of consciousness that enjoys complete mental clarity and a harmony with all other living entities on this plane of existence
Abandoning the show was the right decision. I didn’t think a match could be worse than Shaemus / Henry, but Henry / Orton matches actually are. After everyone already busted a walnut over the LAST match these two had, I downloaded it and watched it. The statement “this match was good” could not be any further from the truth. The entire thing was me going “just RKO this tub of frosting and get it over with”. I was legitimately shocked that they put Henry over Orton cleanly. I don’t get it. I’m not a big Orton fan by any means, but he’s like Superhero #2 in the WWE, and he’s popular. So while I may not buy into him personally, I do understand why he’s on the level that he’s on. They’re going to job this guy out to MARK HENRY… TWICE NOW… when he beat Christian (who is now jobbing to SHAEMUS) more times than I can count? People are into Christian, in either a positive or a negative way. Mark Henry? Over a guy you’ve spent years turning into Batman? TWICE? You’ve got to be kidding me.
I could go on. From all reports, the main event wasn’t a bad match. I didn’t see it, so I can’t say, but everyone seems to like everything that WWE does right now. I don’t get it. Like, Zeigler gave it 4 out of 5 stars. So it was half-a-star away from being as good as Undertaker / HBK or Savage / Flair? Somehow I doubt that. And today, Sanders said in the Rager that he’s “ready for Cody Rhodes to be top tier” even though he “knows he’s late to this”. Is this actually a thing? Does Cody Rhodes have a following now? How long was I asleep for last night? A couple years ago, during the Legacy breakup, Cody Rhodes was failing so miserably that fans were asking that he be fired. How many things have changed since then regarding his appearance, mic skills, and ring ability?
- He got a mask gimmick.
- … nope, that’s it.
I don’t know why in the world they’d put the title back on Del Rio when they’re mismanaged his character so terribly that I’m not sure he’ll ever recover, but then again, Mark Henry also has a World Title and last year he lost multiple singles matches to Nexus members. And I was one of the guys saying that everyone was over-reacting to CM Punk being made to lose and reduced to a prop in the face of the larger storyline, over and over again, assuming that they’d be smart enough to go back to what got people interested in the angle to begin with, but after last night I think I’m ready to admit I may have been wrong on that. CM Punk is / was one of the only things people have been legitimately interested in this year, so I really can’t understand the logic here. Maybe he pissed someone off.
Anyway, I guess that from a PURELY STORYLINE perspective, I suppose it would be fair to say that at least they’re building up intrigue. And, let’s face it, WWE’s peak periods had nothing to do with in-ring talent. But that doesn’t mean you guys have to pretend that the matches are awesome. If just storylines are enough for you, that’s fine, you don’t have to play dress-up with your match reviews.
Everyone has been pretty tough on this show lately, and certainly it seems to have it’s flaws. But I really don’t think it sounds all that bad, again, JUST from a storyline perspective. I mean, it does sound like there’s a lot of Triple H for my liking, but it isn’t too late to fix the Punk thing, and even still, isn’t it better than when Cena was feuding with Truth, Shaemus, Nexus or Miz as the main thrust of the show? It sounds like it might be. It also sounds like they’re trying to center a lot of the show around the “conspiracy” angle, which could be good if they have something intelligent in mind for the payoff. Like, if they start using this storyline to draw in other characters, that could be interesting. How else are they supposed to get people to care about The Miz and Dolph Ziggler?
However, it’s easy to think that when I’m not watching the show and just YouTube-ing CM Punk segments, so I guess tonight I’ll find out for sure. It’s gotta be better than Impact. AM I RIGHT?!?!
LET’S GET RAW!!!
I caught the last 3 minutes of whatever the show on USA Network is that airs before RAW, and was lucky enough to experience the conclusion of an incest storyline.
The bumper before the theme song now features Shaemus. And Nickelback is still doing the RAW theme. We are off to an awesome start.
Cole starts the show talking about how CRAZY WWE is right now. Booker T is filling in for Jerry Lawler, who is still injured. There’s a 12-man main event tonight.
Randall Orton comes out to a nice pop. They’re calling him “Apex Predator.” Well, that’s just silly. They show moving pictures of the match from last night… no, wait, they’re still shots, but the match moves just as quickly. Hey, Drew McIntyre is still employed! I guess he’s gonna fight Randy.
Randy “Batman Viper Apex Predador” Orton .vs. Iron Mike Sharpe
They trade some strikes until Orton dropkicks Drew out of the ring and throws him into a barricade a couple times. Booker is awfully excited. Orton tosses him into the ring, against the turnbuckle, and gives him 10 punches. The announcers are talking about how intense and crazy Orton is now, and how dangerous he is, even though this is like every Orton match ever. Drew kicks Randy in the face while Randy busy emoting. Drew chokes Randy on the ropes, as the crowd chants for “Randy”, although it sounds piped. Now Cole is talking about how CRAZY the atmosphere and vibe is in WWE right now. Randy gives Orton a boot and gets 2. After 3 moves, Orton goes down for 2?
Drew tries to put a submission on, then realizes he doesn’t know how. So Randy gets up and tries a headbutt, but then Drew DDT’s him because the headbutt is a dumb move. 2-count. Drew on the second rope, but he jumps and eats 2 boots the the chest. Orton kicks him a couple times and hits a powerslam. Cole says that now Orton is “in a place that only Orton can inhabit.” That line just dealt out more punishment than either wrestler in this match. Randy hangs Drew on the ropes and hits the DDT. He then starts pounding the mat, hits the RKO, and gets the pin.
Winner: Randy Orton
Randy then hits the ropes to celebrate, but he looks perplexed. Then he hesitates and hits another RKO on Drew. I guess that solved whatever was bothering him because he starts smiling. Mark Henry comes up and holds out the belt. Orton rushes him and they brawl. Security comes out to try and separate them. Johnny Ace is out here. Orton breaks away and they brawl some more. Then the same thing happens again and he dumps Henry over the barricade. Terrible match, but a decent segment to further this painful feud I suppose.
Commercial.
We’re back, and Mark Henry is still in the ring with his music going. We recap him taking out Big Show. The ad says that Big Show is coming back soon. That injury spot with Show through the cage looks nice.
But first, another match here on WWE WorldWide. Actually it’s RAW, but WorldWide is the last time that I saw a wrestling show where the winners and losers were THIS clear cut.
Mark Henry .vs. Barry Horrowitz
They brawl, then Henry tries to give Morrison a toss. He lands on his feet, then runs into Henry and falls down. HE’S A MONSTER!!! Henry picks him up, tosses him, but again Morrison lands on his feet and hits Henry with 3 kicks and 2 dropkicks. Henry is down, Morrison goes for STARSHIP PAIN and gets 2. Henry gets up and Morrison runs into a foot. Henry is ANGRY, AMAZING HEEL WORK HERE!!! Henry gives him the WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM and pins.
Winner: Mark Henry
I guess Randy and Henry have the same script, because Henry doesn’t look happy after his win against a jobber either. So he picks him up and WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAMS him again. Now he’s happy. He gets a mic and says NOW YOU KNOW JOHN MORRISON WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN THE RING WITH A BEAST!!! He gives some more amazing mic work along those same lines, saying he is done with Randy Orton and is not afraid of Big Show.
Yeah. Definitely not seeing what you guys are seeing. It’s not like the crowd was throwing mad boos or anything. Henry gets out of the ring screaming at people who are saying nothing to him.
A ton of people are all yelling in the back. Shades of a TNA Knockout segment. Johnny Ace quiets everyone, and wants to know if David Otunga sent Miz and Truth to the ring last night. Johnny Ace says he will go ask Triple H. Vickie says they’re all going to the ring. Johnny Ace starts to text someone.
Commercial. DID YOU KNOW that Punk calling Johnny Ace “Funk Man” at that one contract signing a few months back was Marty Funkhauser reference from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Johnny Ace looks and sounds like a fatter version of Funkhauser. It’s tremendous. As a result, I have a lot of trouble taking Johnny Ace seriously because all I think of is Funkhauser, who is hilarious.
So as a ton of heels are in the ring, including Christian and Del Rio. As they enter, the announcers explain what is going on, which is handy for me. I guess Otunga is some sort of lawyer now, and is organizing a lawsuit against Triple H? Otunga is currently in some sort of jean-speedos, not totally sure what that’s about, but he should totally turn into that Clarence Mason guy from Nation Of Domination. Whatever keeps him away from the ring, really, I’m all for.
Del Rio says he is once again WWE Champion. He complains about Miz and Truth jumping him. Del Rio blames Triple H for this. It’s a pretty standard stereotypical Mexican heel promo, but it’s nothing compared against what TNA does with Mexican America. Christian takes the mic and says he’s not gonna take this anymore. Cody Rhodes talks slowly and illustrates why he should never be given a mic ever, he even grunts a bit between words. It’s unsettling. Ziggler says they’re going to take action, but doesn’t complain about being given a ring name that no one could ever possibly take him seriously with. Swagger grabs the mic and lets us all know that he would really still like to be relevant. Vickie gets the mic and screams, and gets more heat than Del Rio. Otunga gets a mic and says that he is a lawyer, and that he studied cases specific to this in law school *CHORTLE* He says they are contemplating legal action.
Triple H’s music hits. He wants to know what happened to the WWE. He says MEN used to work in the WWE, not little boys who threaten lawsuits. HHH says he doesn’t care about Miz and Truth, or about the new Dangerous Alliance here. He puts them in a match against Cena, Punk, Shaemus, and a bunch of other faces. He leaves.
Commercial. DID YOU KNOW? People have always sued WWE, all the way through their history.
We are back, and they recap some Diva snuff film from last night. I guess Beth is champion now. You guys are talking a lot about Divas on here these last few weeks. Are you actually getting into this foxy boxing nonsense?
Kelly Kelly & Some Diva .vs. Natalya & Beth Phoenix
Beth tosses Kelly outside the ring. Then Kelly just goes completely apeshit and starts slamming Beth’s head into the table while screaming. The other 2 start rolling around as Kelly just screams and is trying to murder Beth with the table. Her partner pulls her off and drags her away. Kelly is still screaming. What the fuck was all that about?!?!
Winner: Who Cares??? TNA!!! TNA!!! TNA!!!
In the back, Johnny Ace apologizes to Triple H for Miz and Truth getting in the building last night after Ace was supposed to kick them out. He says he needs an apology back because I guess Triple H knocked him down when he was trying to jump on Miz and Truth. Ace says that H needs to ask the “talent” for a “vote of confidence”. He says that H needs to ask the talent how they think he’s doing, and asks if he’s afraid. H says he’s just afraid that Ace is undermining him, and says he’s going to talk to the roster, but he wants Ace there too. Oy.
WWE’s newest Indian stereotype is in the ring. I guess he’s Great Khali’s brother. Wow, they really just quit being subtle about this kind of thing, didn’t they? Anyway, he speaks something that’s not English, until… oh for f… Santino comes out. They talk gibberish. I get the feeling this is supposed to be funny. It isn’t.
Santino Marella .vs. Jinder Mahal
Santino ducks a charge from Jinder. Santino hits the cobra. Pin.
Winner: Santino Marella
Jinder gets up and yells at Santino. Santino leaves.
… okay then.
Commercial. DID YOU KNOWÂ that this wasn’t what the fans meant when they said they wanted to see more matches.
We;re back. Do they ACTUALLY have ANOTHER PPV in two weeks? Are any of you ACTUALLY paying WWE’s insane PPV prices 3 times in 6 weeks? In this brittle economy?!?!
They run a video package for Brodus Clay. DID YOU KNOW? In about 6 months, many people will be calling him the next Vader.
Cole talks about how the WWE is still REELING from last night, and actually says that the WWE is in danger. They run the footage from last night after the match. I don’t know about the match, but they did a really good job of making the whole thing afterwards look chaotic. R-Truth and Miz did a good job with the whole thing, in fact this is the first time I’ve ever thought anything that either guy did was cool. So that’s something, I guess.
The commentators wonder how Miz and Truth breached the amazing security of the WWE. I wish Punk were on commentary right now. They show a YouTube clip that Miz and Truth made today, using their real names and everything. They say they just want their job back. They complain about getting jumped while handcuffed. They say they have attorneys, and now they’re pressing charges on Triple H and WWE. They apologize to the WWE Universe and blame Triple H.
If they keep this stuff up, people will start cheering for Miz and Truth. Which I doubt is what they’re shooting for. Is it?
CM Punk comes out to a great reaction. And, say what you want, Cena is still getting mad cheers and boos. Not one other guy in this clusterfuck got much of an entrance reaction at all. Yes, including Shaemus. So Punk is a full-fledged babyface now, hey? Wow.
Commercial. DID YOU KNOWÂ that no matter how much a confusing wreck a match with this many guys in it will be, it will STILL be better than TNA.
Last week, “Don’t Call Me Fake Batista” (good luck with that, Mason) turned on Vickie Guererro’s blonde losers. I legitimately had no idea he was ever with them.
John Cena, CM Punk, Shaemus, Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, and Fake Batista (?!?!) .vs. Alberto Del Rio, Christian, Fake Billy Gunn, Fake Kurt Angle, Cody Rhodes & David Otunga
Not even a tense stare between Cena and Punk, one night after THEY WENT TO HELL. Cena and Christian start. Cena takes Christian down. Then he demolishes Otunga. Then Ziggler comes in, and Cena tags in Fake Batista. Fake Batista goes all Real Batista on Ziggler, and tosses him onto Swagger who is not on the apron for some reason. The heels have a conference on the floor. Eventually Ziggler jumps Ryan when he turns his back, but he jumps right into Fake Batista, who perofmrs another Fake Batista move. Swagger gets tagged in, but so does Shaemus. Shaemus starts unloading on Swagger, and people just start to go nuts. Seriously?!?! People are cheering Shaemus now. He does the Ultimate Warrior slam, but then Swagger takes out the knee. Then he runs into the one cool move Shaemus does, the backbreaker.
Shaemus tags in Punk, and people start chanting his name right away. Not sure that tagging with the vanilla faces is doing him any good, but whatever. Swagger tags in Rhodes, who goes to work on Punk. That’s hilarious. Shaemus gets a babyface house of fire and Punk doesn’t. Amazing. Rhodes works the arm and hits a strange submission. People still chanting for Punk, Punk hits a dropkick and a kneelift followed by a bulldog, all of which the crowd pops for. The heels run in, followed by the faces, they stand-off, just in time for a commercial.
When we come back, Kofi and Cody are going at it, and Cody hits a Shaemus kick off the second rope. Kofi kicks out at 2. Cody tags Christian, who hits a resthold on Kofi. Swagger comes in and beats on Kofi too. Same thing with Ziggler. Ziggler hits a nice dropkick on Kofi for 2. Resthold on Kofi. Cody almost gets his head kicked off, and tags to Christian, who cuts Kofi off from the babyfaces. Swagger back in, who literally just grabs a leg and tags Ziggler, who stomps him. Ziggler misses an elbow-drop, and the crowd is definitely into this match and really want Kofi to tag. Kofi almost makes a tag, but gets run into the heel corner.
Kofi tags Evan, who just cleans Swaggers clock with some awesome kicks and dropkicks. Evan hits AirBourne on Swagger to a massive pop, but Vickie puts his foot on the ropes. They spend literally 2 minutes ejecting her from the match before they go to commercial. When we come back, Christian is working on Bourne. Del Rio comes in and hits a nice backbreaker on him. Bourne dodges a move and hits a DDT. Crowd is just going nuts, wanting Bourne to tag. They go absolutely nuts when Bourne tags Cena. Cena hits a clothesline on Del Rio, followed by a 5-knuckle shuffle. Del Rio reverses an FU into an armbar. The heels start working on Cena as the duelling “Let’s Go Cena / Cena Sucks” chant starts.
Swagger hits the Vader Bomb. DID YOU KNOWÂ that Swagger is ALSO the next Vader? It’s true, otherwise he couldn’t do the Vader Bomb. He goes for a second one, but Cena moves. Cena tags Shaemus, who starts working on Swagger and just destroys him with his terrible moves. He goes to the top rope, but gets pushed off. Fake Billy Gunn hits Real Billy Gunn’s finisher on Shaemus, then people start running in left and right. All that bears mentioning is that Alberto hits a great suplex on Kofi, Punk hit the GTS, a bunch of other people hit finishers until Shaemus hits his Matt Morgan kick and pins Ziggler to a nice little reaction.
Winners: John Cena, CM Punk, Shae… forget it. The babyfaces.
Afterwards, the babyfaces celebrate, with Punk among them, in what will eventually be used to define how to waste something amazing that fell into your lap even though you had it for years, Crowd being into Shaemus is funny too, BUT I have to say they were crazy into that match. See, this is an example of what I mean – that Shaemus thing doesn’t make ANY sense to me at all, but I am able to acknowledge that people are into Shaemus somewhat. Well, tonight they were, last night they sure weren’t.
During the match, the announcers explained the “Vote Of Confidence”. Basically there is a vote for Triple H, and if not enough people vote for him… nothing happens. At all. They actually say it’s non-binding, but Cole says if he “loses” that he has to either resign or appoint a replacement. That doesn’t make any sense at all. It’s non-binding. So the “SuperStars” have about as much power as your average High School Student Council. Booker ties to tell him so, but Cole is dumb and doesn’t understand. What’s stopping Triple H from just going “hah, well, no one liked Vince either, guess you losers better get used to it?” Actually, I don’t really understand why Triple H would even go along with this in the first place, just because a guy he doesn’t trust told him to.
VOTE OF CONFIDENCE
RAW guys come out. Daniel Bryan is among them, that’s funny that this is the only way he gets on the show. More Divas come out than I realized work in this company. Then referes come out. Then SmackDown guys. Then more RAW guys? Okay then. Then Jerry Lawler comes out. What the f… okay. Fine. Commercial?!?!
We’re back, and the announcers say that this is the first EVER vote of confidence that RAW has ever had. Is that rhetorical? Triple H comes out and says that everyone is going to get their say. He says the job is a lot more difficult than he thought it would be. He says he never asked for the job, but that he was given it. He says Miz and Truth just need to say sorry for being babies, not for anything else. He admits to being “old school” and liking watching people get beat up.
Wait, why am I recapping all of this? You all know what he’s going to say. So yeah, 5 minutes later, he is still talking but nothing is said. At all.
Wade Barrett proves he still matters by saying he’s been selected to say that H has provided an unsafe working environment. He says the reason they came to WWE was because… you know what, forget it, it’s dumb and redundant. Who voted this guy to have the mic? Whoever it is should have their vote disqualified. The Black Power Ranger is just standing beside Barrett and agreeing with everything he says. Triple H says that Wade Barrett tried to destroy WWE with Nexus, and that he’s only upset because Barrett isn’t the one causing the chaos. So he both made Barrett irrelevant even more, which is awesome, AND no-sold the fact that WWE still employs him after these “heinous actions”.
That old referee gets the mic and bitches along the same lines. I’m not typing it all out. Then Beth Phoenix gets on the mic and says the same thing.
Lawler gets in the ring, and Triple H is probably wondering why he went along with this, which is a solid question. Lawler says RAW is spiralling out of control, but that it’s not Triple H’s fault. Lawler said the problem is exactly what CM Punk said it is, that someone is trying to sabotage Triple H. Christian says that it’s time to vote, and that he and his “colleagues” vote “no confidence”. The referees and the Divas do the same. Lawler too, and then Lawler walks out. Triple H is in the ring all wounded over this. Del Rio, Christian and their friends all walk, and then a whole bunch of other people. Pretty much impossible to keep track. Primo is still employed? People are chanting for Triple H.
More people leave. The referees leave. NOT HEATH SLATER!!! Henry leaves. Regal reluctantly leaves. Cole leaves. The babyfaces from the 6-man-tag leaves. Is them leaving just symbolic of their vote? Are they quitting? Going on strike? Vacation? Do they even know? Does anyone now? Booker T leaves. Â The camera guys leave. Some other staff leave. Triple H is alone except for JR. JR is just sitting there. Possibly because he was about to fall asleep, but I’m not sure. He eventually gets up and leaves too. Awww, that would have been such a touching moment if he had stayed. Everyone is gone. HOW WILL THE WWE EXIST WITHOUT THE STUDENT COUNCIL?!?!
Three or so cameramen are apparently still on Triple H’s side. Johnny Ace comes out. Then he walks out… allright. Crowd still chanting for Triple H.
The credits guy is still working!!! HANG IN THERE CREDITS GUY!!!
Well, I gotta say that storyline-wise, this show came off really strong. I can’t say it’s my cup of tea personally, but the crowd was really into the 12-man and that last segment.  Everything else was pretty dull for me. I’m curious to see where they’ll go with this, even if I could care less to watch any of the matches that may result from it.
I recap one episode, and RAW goes on strike. Sorry guys, I guess I kind of killed the entire show. Well, at least I know it was better than Impact, which I will be reviewing next week. Maybe I can kill that show too?
This has been “That Being Said”. I think I can speak for everyone when I say “Welcome Back, Blair!”
I’ll be in my trailer.
