Teddy Long is hosting this event and he immediately flubs his first line, calling Cena a two-time WWE Champion and a 10-time WWE Champion. When Brock Lesnar is introduced, John Laurinaitis comes out and announces that Lesnar isn’t here yet, and the signing will happen on Brock’s time. Before Cena can leave the ring, Edge makes his way out! Well this is unexpected. Edge is here to talk to Cena. He says he doesn’t know who this John Cena is. He wants to talk to the John Cena that was his greatest rival ever, and he recounts their history together. Edge knocks Lesnar, noting that he doesn’t care about wrestling, just lining his pockets. He says he’s not asking Cena to beat Lesnar, he’s telling him to. That was an effective segment and good to see Edge back.
MATCH #1: Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston
Kofi is fired up in the early going but Jericho cuts him off with a thumb to the eye. Jericho wears Kofi down for a bit until Kofi fires back with a dive to the floor and we head to commercial. Back from the break and Jericho is in control again. Jericho tries a Lionsault but can’t connect and Kofi gets a hurricanrana for two. Kofi continues the fire but Jericho cuts him off with a clothesline for two. Moments later Kofi comes back with a high cross body block off the top rope for two. Kofi follows with the SOS for another two-count. He then hits Shadows over Hell. Kofi hits the Boom Drop goes for Trouble in Paradise but Jericho counters to the Walls of Jericho, Kofi counters that, but then walks into the Codebreaker. Jericho then locks on the Walls of Jericho and Kofi taps out. Good match.
WINNER – Chris Jericho (***¼)
Jericho cuts a promo promising the win the WWE Championship this Sunday at Extreme Rules. He also has a gift for Punk that he’ll give him tonight.
Flashback – Brock Lesnar defeats Jeff Hardy at Backlash on April 21, 2002.
Back from the break they show a recap of Brock’s promo from last week.
Backstage – CM Punk has the gift from Jericho: a basket of liquor. Punk gives it to Josh Mathews and says he has a gift of his own for Jericho.
MATCH #2: R-Truth vs. Lord Tensai with Sakamoto
Tensai easily defeats Truth and then delivers the Iron Claw.
WINNER – Lord Tensai (*)
Kane makes his way out to cut a promo on Randy Orton. Then Orton pops up on the video screen for a retort. Orton has kidnapped Paul Bearer! You know, tit for tit. He comes out and attacks Kane with a lead pipe and Kane runs through the crowd.
Cole and King recap Edge’s promo from earlier, and put over the contract signing still to come.
CM Punk will face Chris Jericho in a Chicago Street Fight for the WWE Championship this Sunday at Extreme Rules!
Backstage – Alex Riley tells Jericho that he saw Punk drinking from the gift basket in the locker room. Jericho peeks in the door and thinks he sees Punk drinking.
MATCH #3: Alberto Del Rio & Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show & The Great Khali
They do a little bit of wrestling and then cut to commercial. Back from the break Khali makes the hot tag to Show and he starts cleaning house. Out on the floor Rhodes clips Show’s knee and Show almost doesn’t make it back to the ring. Del Rio and Rhodes work on Show’s knee, and Rhodes locks on the Figure-Four Leglock. Show breaks out of it and Del Rio abandons his partner, leaving Rhodes to get hit with a Choke Slam and pinned.
WINNERS – Show & Khali (**)
Santino Marella will defend the U.S. Title against The Miz on the Extreme Rules pre show. Really? Really?
Later on, some two guys will sign a contract for something.
Backstage – Chris Jericho tells Johnny Ace, Eve, and Teddy Long that Punk had been drinking, which is apparently against WWE Policy. Jericho wants Punk to take a sobriety test, which Ace thinks is a good idea. Ace also wants Teddy Long to do it.
Elsewhere – Brock Lesnar arrives and Josh Mathews tries to ask him questions and gets roughed up for it.
Josh Mathews gets taken out on a stretcher.
MATCH #4: Divas Title Match – Beth Phoenix vs. Nikki Bella
Before the match can start, Eve (who apparently is in a position of power now, must have missed that while I was on the phone) comes out and make this a Lumberjill match. Ladies and gentlemen Josh Mathews is the #1 Trend Worldwide. Beth dominates, as you would expect. This is her first defense since Elimination Chamber in February. The battle spills to the floor and the chicks all get into a pile. Beth appears to have seriously injured her ankle. Back in the ring Nikki rolls Beth up for the pin and wins the title. Beth starts taking her boot off and that looks like a legit injury.
WINNER – Nikki Bella (*)
Backstage – Teddy Long is trying to talk to Punk, who is just not in the mood.
Out in the ring – Teddy Long calls out CM Punk, but Chris Jericho comes out first. Punk comes out and appears to be drunk. One officer asks him to recite the alphabet backwards. He can’t do it, nor can he walk in a straight line. Punk is awesome here. The cops say Punk is obviously drunk, and Long asks him to hand over the title. Finally Punk hands it over, but he asks for One More Chance. Punk then recites the alphabet backwards while walking the straight line. When he gets to ‘A’ he pops Jericho with the microphone and beats him down.
On August 8, 2002, Brock Lesnar destroyed Hulk Hogan.
MATCH #5: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
Sheamus’ World Heavyweight Title is not on the line here. Daniel Bryan is announced as the special guest referee. At least he knows how to tuck his shirt in (take note Shawn Michaels). Of course Bryan gets right in Sheamus’ face and dares him to hit him. That allows Henry to run Sheamus over and Bryan makes a super quick count to end the match.
WINNER – Mark Henry (¼*)
After the match Bryan attacks Sheamus and cinches in the Yes Lock.
Later on, Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle will face Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler. And oh yeah, some contract signing.
Backstage – Matt Striker gets a word with an angry Sheamus. He promises to take Bryan out at Extreme Rules.
MATCH #6: Primo & Epico with Rosa Mendes vs. Santino Marella & Zack Ryder
Ryder and Epico start it off, and Ryder is in control. The Champions use some chicanery to take control. Eventually Ryder makes the hot tag and he’s a house afire. He hits the Cobra and the Tag Team Champions lose again.
WINNERS – Santino Marella & Zack Ryder (*¼)
Backstage – Kane is looking for his daddy. He finds Paul Bearer in a cooler, and then throws him right back in it.
Elsewhere – Abraham Washington pitches his services to the WWE Tag Team Champions.
MATCH #7: Presented by Doritos Locos Tacos – Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger with Vickie Guerrero
Ziggler and Swagger bump like crazy for my favorite wrestler in the WWE (Brodus). Vickie gets in the ring and puts her hands on the Funkasaurus, causing the DQ. Cameron and Naomi come in to the rescue. Vickie tries to do the Tyrannosaurus dance, but Hornswoggle bites her on the ass instead.
WINNERS – Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle (*)
On March 30, 2003 Brock Lesnar almost killed himself en route to winning the WWE Championship for the second time from Kurt Angle. Sadly they don’t show the Shooting Star Press.
Friday night on Smackdown, Sheamus will get a rematch with Mark Henry, and Michael Cole will interview Randy Orton.
Johnny Ace makes his way out to put himself over and get geeked up for the contract signing. He introduces Brock Lesnar first. Then he introduces John Cena, who doesn’t show. Brock is annoyed that he came to Detroit for this and Cena won’t even show. He has some demands that he wants to make. Brock wants Ace to run all major decisions by him. He also wants Vince McMahon’s private jet to take him to and from shows. He’ll show up on Raw when he wants to, and he also wants more money. Brock wants the show to be called Monday Night Raw Starring Brock Lesnar. Laurinaitis agrees to those terms! Finally Cena makes his way out with his Thug Life chain. Brock says that Cena is scared. Cena signs the contract and the two look ready to come to blows. Awesome segment to end the show.