The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 05.14.12
Live from Pittsburgh, PA
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Big Johnny stops COOHHH on the way to the ring in the cold open, wanting to explain the whole Cena thing. HHH is far too busy with complicated arm injuries, however, and blows him off.
COOHHH and his ROBO-SLING are out to talk about Brock Lesnar. Everyone in wrestling, even the dead people, are offended by Brock’s claims of legitimacy. Why does HHH get to say “Randy Savage” and no one else can? HHH gives the History of Brock Lesnar and how he quits every time the going gets tough. That’s some impressive revisionist history about how Lesnar quit the UFC after he got beat up a little bit. Except for when he lost to Frank Mir in his debut and then came back to win the heavyweight title from the greatest fighter of all time. And then was forced into retirement by a horrible intestinal disease. Even the crowd isn’t buying into this speech. Finally Paul Heyman interrupts this boring promo, and he’s here to talk CONTRACT LAW. Oh, shit’s on now. Heyman serves HHH with papers, because Brock is SUING. Oh, this feud is not good thus far.
CM Punk & Santino v. Daniel Bryan & Cody Rhodes
Apparently Cody and Santino are having a Twitter war over which of their titles is more important, which has to be a new low for social media. The heels get tossed and Santino threatens a dive, but gets caught up on the ropes and can’t deliver. And we take a break. Back with Cody beating on Santino in the corner, and it’s over to Daniel Bryan for a dropkick that gets two. This seems to be a very pro-Bryan crowd tonight. Cody stomps him down for two, and Bryan throws yes-assisted kicks, but Santino fights back, so Bryan kicks the crap out of him again and Cody comes in to cut the ring in half. Bryan with more kicks in the corner to the delight of the crowd, but Santino makes a dramatic dive for the tag…and misses. OK, I laughed at that one. Hot tag Punk and he bulldogs Cody, but the GTS is reversed. Punk hits him with the high kick instead for two, but he gets distracted by D-Bry. Cody barely escapes a Cobra, but Goes To Sleep at 10:33 instead. Good tag action here, as Santino works well as face in peril. **3/4
Beth Phoenix v. Alicia Fox
Beth hits Fox with a clothesline out of the corner and drops her with a gorilla slam, then finishes with the Glam Slam at 1:18.
Big Show v. Kane
Kane works him over with shoulders in the corner, but Show fires back with a hiptoss, and Kane gets a crossbody for two. Cole notes that Show has been in WWE for “nearly two decades”, which is some truly funky math even by Cole’s standards. Kane with the chinlock, but Show makes the comeback and goes up with a pump splash that misses. Kane goes up and Show catches him for a chokeslam, but Kane escapes and they fight to the floor. Back in, Big Johnny suddenly stops the match and demands an apology, which distracts Show long enough that Kane chokeslams him for the pin at 4:15. Well Kane is ready for that YouTube pre-show match against Zack Ryder now. * Big Johnny keeps on Show, demanding an apology or else Show is FIRED. Show has a tearful apology, begging for his job, which is ridiculously stupid of him given that anyone in the history of this show who has been “fired” usually comes back by the next week anyway. This went way too long. And then as Johnny is leaving, it goes on LONGER and Show gets on his knees and begs for his job again. And then Big Johnny wishes him the best in his future endeavors anyway. How this makes me want to buy the PPV on Sunday, I have no idea.
Brodus Clay, Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger & The Miz
Clay cleans house on the heels and we take a break. They just have no idea what to do with Clay anymore, do they? They ran through all the jobbers they had and they don’t want to bump him up to the next level, and they don’t want to beat him, so now he’s just kind of there. Back with R-Truth taking a beating from Miz as the AW gang watches from what looks like literally the farthest point in the entire arena. Hot tag Kofi and like the sun coming up, Miz does the job at 7:02 to Brodus Clay. I love Dolph but he’s stupid to be taking that headbutt bump when he’s barely even in the match. *
Meanwhile, AJ interrupts Punk’s conversation with Alex Riley, but Punk blows her off because he’s worried that she’s crazy and they’re just setting up him. Smart man.
Randy Orton v. Chris Jericho
Apparently this is our main event tonight. And of course we take a break 30 seconds in. Frankly I’m bored of this stupid show and can’t be bothered to recap this because they’re all just sleepwalking through anyway. And of course it’s another screwjob finish as Orton goes for the RKO and Sheamus comes in for the DQ at 7:20.
Big Johnny comes out and has now fallen to the point as a character where he’s calling the fans losers to get cheap heat. Naturally this brings out John Cena, who doesn’t even bother wearing a sling any longer. Hey, it’s been three weeks, he’s fine. And then Cena has the most obnoxious, douchebag promo in the history of Cena’s smug douchebag promos, acting like a child and doing bad comedy to build up their match. And it goes on FOREVER, like even longer than the Big Show crap. Finally Eve interrupts with a letter from the incredibly fickle board of directors, who have decided that Johnny Ace will not be appointing any special referees, and anyone who interferes will be FIRED. Just like Big Show, who will obviously run in and cost Cena the match to win his job back. Oops, the entire internet guessed that one, maybe they’ll change it to SWERVE us now. Oh, and if Cena wins, Johnny is fired. So for those paying attention at home, Cena gets to job to Johnny Ace, a retired midcarder, to set up a summer feud with Big Show that we’ve already seen a million times, and that’s why he HAD to beat Brock Lesnar.
This PPV is NO BUYS. And that might be literal because I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind paying money for this show.