Why bother following Brad as he inches his way closer to true love (or being bludgeoned by a stalker if he chooses Whitney), when we know in our heart of hearts that there is no friggin way it will last. In the last two weeks alone, we’ve discovered that Courtney (villainess extraordinare who put the whore in horrible on Season 16) has not only broken up with former Bachelor Ben Flajnik, but is now dating Bachelorette Emily Maynard’s sloppy seconds Arie Luyendyk. And let’s not forget that Emily herself has ended her engagement with her final pick, Jef Holm, after they were together for what, five minutes?
So based on the above, I’m thinking there is little to no chance that Brad and his woman of choice will last beyond New Year’s Eve. If that. But yet, we watch.
Last night’s episode certainly opened my eyes to many things, one of which was the unfortunate sight of Bianka’s bare dimpled ass cheeks. Did anyone else find it positively unsanitary?
Tyler, in what I have come to determine is the voice of the nicest guy ever in the world, slowly reveals there’s a six-on-one, a five-on-one, and a one-on-one date and that two people will be sent home. I gotta hand it to Tyler. The poor guy is trying so hard to do the best job possible with those six lines a week that he’s given.
As soon as I heard Kara got the first one on one, I was excited, but I seemed like the only one. Ana’s pissed because for once Brad isn’t rolling out the red carpet for her and Whitney flat out says she ‘hates this girl’. It’s possible though, that Whitney may have just been in a foul mood because her eyebrows spontaneously changed colours. I’d be pissed too.
To prepare for her date, Kara vigorously washes her hands (or scrubs in for surgery – not sure) with the strategically placed Softsoap, which later makes an appearance as Chantelle and Britney decide to have a bubble bath together – am I the only woman who doesn’t bathe with my friends??? In fact, am I the only woman who pretty much doesn’t use my bath unless my contractions are about seven minutes apart? A quick tie of her shirt to prep for her denim on denim ensemble and off she goes to enjoy her two-on-two with Brad, Farmer Brownie and his wife at their cattle ranch in Lundbreck, Alberta – aren’t we supposed to be staying away from beef these days?
There’s definitely something intriguing about Kara, so it was kind of amusing that when finally alone with her in a helicopter, surveying the beautiful Albertan rockies, Brad can think of nothing but if she’d be okay without her Ritalin. By the end of the date, as they cozied up surrounded by their perfectly contrived rustic-chic setting, it’s clear that watching her wrangle cattle is all Brad needs to wrangle himself a stiffie. Maybe that’s what finally relaxed him, or maybe it’s the Brokeback rancher who stayed right by his side, easing him into the perfect trot.
In the meantime, back at the house, Tia, clearly well into her second trimester based on her dress announces the group date featuring herself, Bianka, Brittany, Gabrielle and Ana. The girls are excited to go anywhere without Whitney, but you wanna know what I’m not excited about? A) seeing Brad sporting side boob in a yellow tank top and B) staring at Ana in a bikini. Seriously? That’s your body? Pardon me while I go eat my feelings.
When the girls find out they’ll be serving the community of the Riviera Nayarit I could have sworn I heard Gabi all like ‘um…I don’t do selfless? So they throw some balls around with kids for the obligatory reveal that Brad’s a good person at heart and will make a good dad – every season has at least one episode – and by the time they get to their pool party back at the hotel and Brad removes his shirt to a chorus of embarrassing oohs and aahs (as he sucks it in so hard that his belly button hits his spine), he has definitely formed some strong opinions about the girls. There’s Gabi’s apparent sense of humour (which I’m still waiting to observe), there’s Ana’s…well…body (do you even have rolls when you sit, biatch?) and there’s Bianka’s intrigue as she reveals her connection to Kris Humphries while acknowledging to Brad that he’s gonna have to work for it if he wants a piece of her. Bianka’s antics, bare ass and all, were clearly enough to pique his interest because it’s she who receives his invitation for a special one-on-one date the next day.
I think Bianka summed up her excitement that morning by proclaiming ‘I love boat’ as they boarded their yacht and set sail for the day. I’d love to think that I’d be carefree and thrilled at the prospect of jumping off a yacht after sipping on champagne like I was living in a rap video, but my fear of sharks pretty much guarantees that I’d be the lame ass who’s like ‘no you go ahead, I’ll watch’ as I suffer a third degree sunburn and pass out from dehydration. Bianka seems to get it right though (if you don’t count another cellulite-revealing bikini bottom) and by the end of the date – shocker – she’s falling for him.
For the last date of the week, Nicole, Whitney, Laura B (who’s a little bit more country and a little less rock n’ roll than I initially thought),Sophie, Chantelle and Michelle B (didn’t she get kicked off last week?) get to try their hand at lumberjacking, if that’s a verb. Between that and hearing Sophie say ‘Let’s get ready to rumble’ in a French-Canadian accent, this is where I started to get nervous that we’re entering into dangerous Canadian cliché territory. Let’s be honest, once we go there, there’s no turning back, eh?
I don’t know what was more challenging – watching the girls scale poles, joust and saw lumber, or shielding my eyes from the unfortunate camel toes, muffin tops and back rolls accentuated by the ensembles the girls all wore. I don’t even think any of them stood a chance, to be honest. Even Whitney, who gets less attractive every time she’s on the screen wasn’t pulling any part of that outfit off, no siree.
Somehow, Whitney manages to make the date all about her – it’s quite a talent, really, convincing us that she has ‘assembled’ the strongest team and that Brad purposely puts her on the competition dates because he knows she’ll win and he’ll get to spend more time with her. Sure honey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
While I’m sure some of the girls are more used to riding a pole than climbing one, they seem to pull through with the challenges and miraculously, the blue team, consisting of Sophie, Chantelle and Laura score the rest of the afternoon with Brad.
They head off to the beautiful Sooke Harbour House and immediately dissolve into schoolgirl screams as apparent country star Dean Brody is crooning about finding love in a hayfield or something like that. Am I the only one that hasn’t quite hit that channel on my satellite radio? Perhaps if I ventured beyond Hits1 and Playboy Radio (don’t judge me, I love Tiffany Granath) once in a while I’d know who he is…
Before you know it, there’s two steppin’ and partners swingin’ every which way to Dean Brody’s tribute to ‘Canadian Girls’ and it gives Chantelle the boost she needs to reveal to Brad that no pucks have scored in her net thus far. Brad handles her virgin confession like a true gentleman, actually finding it adorable and Chantelle practically dissolves into a state of blissful ecstasy from his reaction. Awww…..
Finally, we’re back at the mansion, Whitney is sporting the same white and navy cropped blazer she’s been wearing every day and the cocktail party prep ensues. As the evening begins, Tyler breaks the news that Brad (in a weird voiceover editing snaffoo) will be sending home not two, but four of the girls.
Within moments, roses are extended to Chantelle (which is apparently hilarious), Gabrielle, Brittany, Ana, Bianka, Laura B, Kara and Whitney and we bid farewell to Sophie, Michelle, Tia and Nicole (poor girl left in such a hurry I think she forgot her skirt!)
Apparently four more get cut next week – damn this kid means business! My call is that Bianka and Kara are the final two, with a disgruntled Whitney coming in a close third. Anyone else out there wanna place a bet?
Till next week – and if you’re lonely in the meantime you can always visit (and like!) me on facebook!