Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 9.11.17
By Sebastian Howard
Well I’ve been in Tahoe for about two weeks now and it is a LOT easier to get a job over there than in South Florida. I got a job at McDonalds, which yeah is the stereotypical shitty job, but it was the first place I applied for and I got the job the same day I had an interview which was only a few days after I did the application. I’m assuming its easier to get work over here because its a small town and there’s less workers. Y’know the thing is with McDonald’s is that its considered a shitty job or whatever but as far as the wages go I don’t think I’d get better wages working at like a bar or any other food service place (unless I got like a waiter job which then you’re almost completely dependent on tips). This is the problem with having a Dad who won’t put down his financials on the Financial Aid form, having a Mom who makes too much to get FA and not being able to claim yourself as a dependent until 25. Also my goddamned resume got lost on my last computer when it died so I either have to create a new one or hope I have it saved on one of those online forms like Snag A Job.
Anyway… working at McDonald’s has been too bad so far. Very busy, bringing people their food and learning how to cashier with like no training keeps me on my toes. Unfortunately they force you to wear black shoes and the only shoes I had that were black, other than my work boots (or labor finder boots to be more accurate) were my black business shoes that I use when I’m getting a job interview. Those things are meant for jobs were you’re sitting at a desk or something, NOT walking around giving people food and standing for long periods of time. So my first two days my feet were fucking killing me… Lori gave me Saturday off so I could get some new shoes and get my direct deposit form from Wells Fargo. And of course when I went into Wells Fargo who did I run into but my shift manager Amber, who’s a hottie, who was doing the same thing I was. Surprisingly a lot of hot chicks work at McDonald’s, if I had worked there in Florida I’m sure it would’ve been nothing but gross ghetto bitches.
Talking about Florida, it seems like most of my friends and families back home are safe. The hurricane hit Miami hard but didn’t really hit West Palm Beach or Jupiter so at least I don’t need to worry about a bunch of my friends being dead. I don’t really have too much to add other than the fact that I do want to mention I like that they turned James into Carmella’s Sub on Smackdown and FINALLY gave that angle a bit of motivation on both persons sides and gave the story an element of sexuality it needed. As for the rest of Smackdown, I don’t see how KO isn’t the face in his feud with Shane. Everything he’s said that’s happened is true and he definitely has a reason to be pissed. Shane has a proven track record of fucking people over and his whole argument is that he didn’t do anything, was just calling it down the middle and maybe you could make that argument during the matches he was refereeing but him pulling Corbin out of the ring, AFTER THE FACT THAT HE SAID IT WAS FINE THAT KO PICKED WHO THE REFEREE WAS definitely seems like a screwjob, at least according to the predefined rules.
Now next week on Smackdown you could do something really cool with KO beating the shit out of Vince after getting chewed out for a while which would definitely give Kevin an edge he’s been missing since the Jericho feud and give a reason to continue the Shane/Kevin feud. If they DON’T do that and instead just have Vince chew out Kevin for twenty minutes and then renact Shane, the booking there is just so completely short sighted but its not like that’s ever stopped WWE before. Now to the Jinder/Nakamura feud… okay so now you’ve had Nakamura beat BOTH Cena and Orton BUT he can’t beat Jinder Mahal. So are you telling me, from a kayfabe perspective, that Mahal w/ the Sing Brothers are better than Cena and Orton OR are you telling me that Nakamura, who is one of the biggest wrestling stars in Japan can beat anyone one on one but as soon as he gets slightly distracted he’s done for!? OR are you telling me that Shinskue just has a really powerful finisher? Either way the storytelling is pretty damn funny… I think most people were assuming Cena was the one who was going to take the title from Jinder but then he moved to Raw so now we just get Jinder/Nakamura X 2…. the thing is if Shinskue fails who’s next? No one wants to see Orton/Mahal again, Kevin’s a heel so you can’t throw him in there and Styles is doing the US Open Challenge…. though if they did have AJ go for the WWE Title it would probably be the best choice, first off you get the advantage of AJ STYLES, the most over guy on Smackdown trying to unify the titles. Secondly you might get Styles being able to drag something out of Jinder promo wise other than YOU PEOPLE ARE DISRESPECTFUL I LOVE INDIA and you have an easy out if you don’t want to go with Styles as champion with Corbin interfering and costing Styles the match for a future title match promised by Jinder which would make sense because Corbin would still be hungry for a title shot after losing MITB. But even that feels more like a holding pattern than anything and I honestly want to know what the end game is here. Maybe Jericho coming back and getting another title run!?
Alright and onto Raw…
Raw Review 9.11.17
Side Note: And that bastard Andy Wheeler is taking the night off….. dammit Robert, hurricane smuricane I need jokes about pro wrestling and I need them now! Just joking of course, hope he ends up alright, his podcast is actually pretty damn good and its like a dollar. I was hesitant to buying it for a while because you know, why the fuck should I pay for a podcast in 2017? But its legit my favorite wrestling podcast right now… really the only one I listen to other than Jericho’s on occasion (anyone listen to the one where he talked about Benoit’s career with Dave Meltzer?), the one we have on Inside Pulse and Brandon Strouds. Robert’s podcast, the Writer’s Room is the only one I listen to on the regular though. I really like his breakdowns on things and the way he and whoever’s with him will talk about things from a creative standpoint. Pretty interesting.
NCIS is one and who’s on it but the slimy lawyer dude from Better Call Saul (Chuck’s friend and business partner, don’t remember his name). He’s pretty good at playing a rich slimy dude…
THE SEX THE DRUGS THEY’RE MESSING WITH ME!!!
And we start off the show with Justin Roberts asking for a moment of silence for a horrific terrorist act… for a second I thought there might have been some new terrorist attack as I haven’t been watching the news as of late but nope, its just the anniversary of 9/11. Eric S’s columns about 9/11 are fucking GREAT!
Lesnar’s here tonight and Cena’s wrestling Strauman…. wonder how they’re going to write themselves out of that hole. I would have Strauman go over clean to give a sense of doubt to whether or not Cena can beat Reigns and to give Braun some credibility going into No Mercy… probably going to be some interference involved from either Reigns or Lesnar or both though.
Reigns comes out to a chorus of boos…. nothing new. And Regins is wrestling Jason Jordan… aye maybe Jordan will actually get cheered for once!
1st Match: Roman Reigns vs Double J Angle
In this match Reigns is basically a heel because he was burying Jason last week saying Cena took too long to put him away. Jason Jordan is wearing like Al Snow gear for some reason. Regins, just to add to his heelishness refuses a handshake. Cena’s watching backstage which realistically would mean that Cena would be watching himself watching Raw.
Reigns with punches that aren’t superman like…. Jason catches Reigns with a belly to belly. Jason takes Reigns into the corner and does those Lesnar shoulderblocks …. or Angle shoulderblocks I guess would make more sense. Reigns shows off his offensive repotaire with a bunch of clotheslines and then a big boot. Set up for Superman Punch… Jason reverses into the crossface in a pretty cool spot. Reigns immediately gets to the ropes and Reigns rolls out into a COMMERCIAL!
Regins with an exciting chinlock as the commentators talk about how Cena tied Flair’s record. I feel like, as much as the net would have hated it, Flair probably would’ve been more accepting of Trips tying his record than Cena. Though Cena buries people a lot less than Trips…. REMEMBER WHEN TRIPS BURIED PAUL LONDON AND BRIAN KENDRICK ON RAW FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER!??? Reigns sucks not wrestling a face style…. the match since we’ve come back from commercial has been Reigns doing a chinlock and Jason trying to make a comeback, Reigns cutting him off and then putting him back in the chinlock. Jason fights out… boo/yay punches, crowds actually behind Jason just because they hate Reigns so much. Jason actually wins the exchange and lands a dropkick for a two count. Jordan goes for a belly to bellt but Reigns fights out, Jason hits him with a backdrop suplex for two. Jason with a Northern Lights, rolls into another one for two. The crowd is HOT for this match and you can tell Jason wrestling Cena and Reigns in high profile matches on Raw has done a lot for him.
Jason into another crossface…. and Reigns gets the ropes way too soon. Jeeze, milk the hold for a second guys. Jason goes for a spear in the corner but Reigns dodges and Jason spills to the outside. Regins with a totally missed drive by. Back in the ring, Superman Punch and Spear for the win.
3.5/5.0 Okay, Regins was CLEARLY the heel in this match and it actually made the story work better. The chinlock part sucked BUT the crowd was way more into the match with the face/heel dynamic being Jason as a scrappy face that’s really good at wrestling trying to beat uber douche cheat code ass Reigns. If you worked on Reigns as a heel and made him better at controlling the middle portion of a match I think you would have a PERFECT heel but it doesn’t really matter because Vince is SO set on Reigns being a face. Good match here though, I do like that Creative finally got their heads out of their asses and thought hmm, maybe if we make Jason look like credible competition in matches with two of our biggest stars maybe the crowd will get behind him. The only problem I really have with Jason is that he doesn’t have any storyline or anyone to feud with. I could totally see them dropping the ball with Jason after this the same way they did with Shelton Benjamin. Look, just give the guy a IC Title feud with Miz, have him take the title, hold it for like three months as an experiment AND DON’T JOB HIM OUT TO EVERYONE LIKE YOU DO WITH EVERY MODERN IC CHAMP!!!
Cena’s coming out to bury Reigns some more… should be fun. Or maybe he’s just going to do one of those I RESPECT YOU NOW BECAUSE I’VE SEEN YOU WRESTLE speeches. Oh Cena’s so sweet, he brought two mics into the ring, awh what a nice guy. Cena brings up Reigns bitching about how long Cena took to beat JJ and then the same thing happened to Reigns. Reigns says that he has had better matches in two years than Cena has in his entire career, Cena no sells it like he rightfully should. Cena tells Reigns he has skill but he’s too arrogant and he’s stupid for thinking he made it…. nigga beat Taker at Mania, doesn’t that mean he made it!? Cena cuts up Reigns for a bit while Reigns does his douchey smile… Reigns tells Cena he’s behind the times and that he needs to leech off Reigns popularity because he’s irrelevant. Cena ends the promo with a pretty good line, “At No Mercy consider me like a drug test, you ain’t getting past me.” Decent promo, Cena clearly owned the fucking thing again while Reigns just said shit that isn’t true as he was stretching for insults and likes to say bitch as much as that Freddy Kruger clone in Rick and Morty. Lets go over some of the things Reigns said:
Reigns said that Cena can’t make it in Hollywood and yeah Cena hasn’t been in a leading role like Dwayne but he’s still in pretty high profile moves as bit parts and is paid handsomely for it. Reigns said that he’s been increasing ticket sales which is HORSESHIT as Reigns doesn’t have anything close to the same fanbase that Cena did when he was the Man. Cena’s had a lot better matches than Reigns in his career… my problem with Reigns promos is that nothing he says rings true while everything Cena says is right on the button. Cena, what he’s saying is that Reigns is an arrogant dickhead who thinks he deserves to have everything handed to him, sucks on the mic and uses short catchphrases because he can’t actually talk and fails drug tests. So yeah, Cena 3 Reigns 0.
2nd Match: Sasha Banks vs Emma
Could be a decent match if given time. Sasha goes for her double knee thing, Emma reverses and there’s a roll up sequence. Emma and Sasha take each other out and Nia Jax comes out… looks like she wants Alexa’s chair. Bitch, just beat her up…. Commercial
Back from break and Alexa and Nia are in two different chairs. Crowd is DEAD for this match which sucks because both women are really good. Pretty cool spot where Emma hiptosses Sasha into a tree of woe and kicks her in the head. Corey Graves buries Emma on commentary a bit and I don’t get it… Corey you’re the HEEL man, why not talk Emma up a bit? Sasha hits the crossface OUT OF NOWHERE for the win. I hope this doesn’t lead to a depush for Emma as the crowd was totally dead for this and the focus seemed to be more on Alexa and Nia than the women competing.
Highlights of Show/Strauman from last week in the cage, y’know the match I passed out drunk while reviewing. Strauman throwing Show through the cage was a pretty cool spot. Lesnar up next but first we gotta get some COMMERCIALS!!!
Going to be working tomorrow so I’m not going to be able to watch Smackdown Live… err live. Gotta remember to record that bitch. WOW CICI’S NOW HAS BUFFALO CHICKEN PIZZA!! WHAT AN INCREDIBLE INVENTION!!! Its not like you can’t fucking BUY buffalo chicken pizza at the store. Its not that they just got that pizza for their restaurant, its that they’re advertising it like its something brand fucking new, they’re like NOW YOU CAN HAVE YOUR FAVORITE FLAOVRS OF WINGS ON YOUR PIZZA!!! Jesus….
Heyman and Lesnar come out, Heyman cuts a pretty good promo basically saying that Strauman reminds him of Lesnar back in 02 when Lesnar was being pushed to the moon. Heyman challenges Strauman to come out there… Strauman does and DOMINATES Lesnar again! So yeah, I’m expecting a run in later tonight from Lesnar. Pretty cool segment, this is the most dominate anyone’s looked over Lesnar in a while. Of course this most likely means Lesnar’s going to retain at No Mercy. These Lesnar feuds have been really good lately actually, the Joe feud, Summerslam feud and Strauman. We haven’t really had a bad one since Goldberg. God that Goldberg shit pisses me off… what really bothers me about it other than KO losing the title he held onto for the better part of a year to an old part timer in like half a minute was the fact that Jericho was supposed to get another title run, beating KO at Mania and then jobbing to Lesnar… so basically because of the Goldberg angle we didn’t get Jericho/Lesnar which, if done correctly, could have added a lot to Jericho’s credibility which he kinda needs after being Reigns and Rollins bitch on Raw while KO was champion.
Talking about Jericho… WHY THE FUCK IS HE ON CHRISLEY’S TALK SHOW!???
Commentators talk about the hurricanes… look I’m assuming the reason we’re having these hurricanes is because fucking Trump got elected man. Do want to say I’m glad everyone back home is doing ok.
Golddust is coming out! Bout goddamn time he got back on Raw.
3rd Match: Golddust vs Bray Wyatt
Wyatt tells Golddust he’s a pussy for wearing facepaint over the titantron.We get a quick shot of Goldust jacking off while the lights are off… okay not really but its not that much of a stretch. Crowd is dead again…. I think that’s the problem with going from Lesnar/Braun to Golddust/Wyatt. Wyatt hits a standing crossbody…. goes for his finish, hits it, all over. LAME! You could’ve let Golddust look at least a little bit scrappy against Wyatt before getting buried.
Wyatt wipes off the makeup from Golddust’s face…. the commentators act like this is the worst thing ever but really he’s just saving Dustin some time in the back. Balor comes out to protect his father Golddust…. who the fuck wrote this shit? Crowd seems kind of hyped that Balor’s out there but it doesn’t matter because he’s just there to stare down Wyatt.
Backstage Charley’s interviewing Cesaro and Sheamus, they say that they’re more worried about Gallows and Anderson than Rollins and Ambrose…. um, do they NOT remember last week where Gallows and Anderson got beat up by BOTH tag teams seperately and looked like total little bitches!? What fucking script are they reading? Bar’s jackets make them look like they’re going to a punk rock revival concert or something. Aye the Misfits ARE making a comeback…
I’m picking Shayna to win the women’s classic, I don’t think they’re going to put another Asian chick over for the title and if they want to bring in Rousey, Shayna works better as a badass heel than the other chick who would come across as a scrappy babyface.
Giant schmozz between all three teams stops the match from happening, Seth and Ambrose want The Bar and The Club (what’s next the Disco!?) tonight. Kurt says they have to find two tag partners and the crowd starts a Delete chant. This leads to Kurt saying Batman would make a great tag partner (well of course he would, nigga would actually plan shit out). Cut to Bliss trying to get Nia back on her side…. doesn’t work as Nia set up a match between her and Alexa next week. Alexa looks scared…. and hot. Elias has a new song coming up…. besides the first match and the Braun/Lesnar segment this show feels really flat and unimportant. A LOT of commercials tonight….
I’ve now seen two commercials for Friend Request and still have no idea what the plot is. Holy fuck these anti smoking commercials are obnoxious…. alright lets start with the Amanda Greene one. Smoking cigarettes is NOT like having a demanding boyfriend who tells you what to do or how to spend your money. Smoking is a CHOICE, an addictive choice and one that’s unhealthy sure, but you’re still doing it because of the PLEASURE of smoking and the stress releif. The wolf commercial is a little better in that it shows what can happen to you when you’re old and have been smoking for a while BUT if the wolf was smart instead of blowing down houses why doesn’t he y’know, hunt the pigs with a gun like a human or set some traps or something!? If you’re going to portray the wolf as a human wouldn’t it stand to reason that it could, y’know do things like a human!
Elias does a song about how Anaheim sucks…. shocking I know. Rey Mysterio’s second cousin on his stepmother’s side Kalisto comes out and we have another nothing match. YAY!
4th Match: Elias Samson vs Kalisto
All I can think during this match is, should I have another cigarette or read a review for The Exorcist: The Beginning? Decisions, decisions…
Elias wins, I do like his finisher. Can you PLEASE give this guy something to do? Stick him with Jason Jordan, feud him with a crusierweight, just give him SOME kind of story other than “I’m ripping of Hollywood Rock and hate everywhere I’ve ever been and am going to be, now watch beat up some jobbers.”
Smackdown should be a lot better than Raw is tonight, got three title matches and Vince is there. Shows only two hours so the pace will be fast and exciting compared to this dead ass show punctated by a few big moments.
And Cena/Strauman is happening at the 10:00 pm hour because…. reasons. So I can just turn off my TV after this match right? The main event at this point is most likely Seth and Friends vs The Bar/Club so why should I stick around for that? Or are they going to give the main to Enzo on Miz TV? More importantly, who gives a shit!?
Main Event that’s not a main event 5th Match: John Cena vs Braun Strauman
Strauman sends Cena to the outside with a shoulderblock. According to Cole, Big Show blew Strauman verbally in an interview for WWE.com Stroud was saying that last week should’ve been Big Show’s last match for various reasons and I’ll second that. Strauman throws Cena around giving us a good look at Cena’s PURPLE underwear. Did Nikki pick those out? Cena hits a dropkick which stuns Strauman but Strauman comes back with his own dropkick! Big clothesline in the corner. Crowd is…. kind of dead for this match. Fuck, Elias was right, Anaheim does suck. Cena comes back with wigger punches and goes for an FU but Strauman punches Cena in the back to get out of it. I’ve just realized I’ve been saying Strowman’s name wrong for like forever….. but c’mon, which sounds like a real name, Strowman or Strauman? Strowman throws Cena to the outside and right into a COMMERCIAL….
Yes, because what we needed tonight was more fucking commercials.
During the break Cena bumped for Strauman like late 90s coked up Shawn Michaels. Cena goes for another FU but Strauman fights out of it. Strauman misses a spear into the post…. Cena with a backdrop suplex and its five knuckle shuffle time but nope as Strauman jumps up and spinebusters for Cena for a two. Its always fun when someone gets out of the shuffle. Cena finally hits an FU but Strowman rolls to the outside…. Cena runs to the outside but Strowman hits him with the steps and the Ref doesn’t call for the bell…. Cole reminds us that this ISN’T a no holds barred… so is the match over or what? Strowman sets up some steps in the middle of the ring… brings Cena in… and he’s going to……….. slam him right into the steps. And now the Ref calls the bell. Um, okay. Strowman taunts and Cena’s dead. I kind of like that you had Strowman bury Cena BUT not actually beat him so you can do a rematch later down the line. Strowman continues to look strong and Cena doesn’t take a loss though I will say I’m a bit surprised that Strowman just straight up murdered Cena. Pleasntly surprised of course.
Miz TV, Miz and friends come out, Miz says that Marayse is pregnant which should lead to some tasteless jokes from Enzo. Not going to be anything compared to ECW chanting she’s a crackwhore at Dawn Marie while she was preganant but still. Enzo cuts off Miz’s speech, predictably. Miz is pissed…. Miz tells Enzo he used to be a big deal but now he doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut and gets a little shooty talking about how Enzo got kicked out of tour busses and how he was slotted in 205 live because there was nowhere else for him to go. Miz says he sees a lot of talent in Enzo but he’s a loudmouth…. says he doesn’t belong in 205 live because he can’t do anything off the top rope, his biggest goal in life is to hang out with third rate rappers. Miz is going to turn face with these promos, goddamn. Enzo tells Miz he made enemies because the Miz copied guys like Jericho (true) and Ric Flair (not really). Miz seems a lot more authentic and shooty here than Enzo who’s stretching for insults, which is almost exactly the same deal with Cena/Reigns. Enzo’s a lot better on the mic than Reigns though and that Jericho dig did ring true. Enzo and Miz want a match against each other RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW…. but not before a lengthy commercial break of course.
Enzo runs to the outside of the ring, grabs a mic, tells the Miz his wrestling is going straight to DVD (yes that must really hurt coming from ENZO AMORE of all people). Miz grabs a mic and slams Enzo into the apron while yelling HOW YA DOING. They’re using the mic so much its almost an I Quit match. Enzo hangs up Miz on the rope and tells Miz he should be asking who’s your daddy. Miztourage beats up Enzo…. well that was a weird expirment having them talk on the mic while wrestling and it not being an I Quit match… I’ll say that much. Miz with an SCF while the crowd chants who’s your Daddy. Really, really weird match there and I’m not really sure what it does for either Miz or Enzo.
Not really the Main Event but technically the Main Event: Hardys and Seth and Ambrose vs The Club/Bar
Haven’t taken my Zoloft in a few days, just took it, feels like my eyes buzzing. Fucking meds suck man….
Unless this ends with the Hardys becoming broken or this is like a four star match this is NOT going to feel main event worthy. Hardys take out the Bar with a poetry in motion to the outside and we cut another fucking commercial… at 10:52.
Back from break, Gallows sends Ambrose to the outside with a big boot. Gallows brings Ambrose back in, tags in Sheamus. Sheamus and Cesaro team up on Ambrose, hit a double clothesline for two. Gallows and Anderson hit Ambrose with a lifted neckbreaker deal. I do not care about this main event and neither does the crowd… Botched spot where Matt was too slow to break a count. Gets taken out on the outside by the Club. Ambrose hits a swinging neckbreaker and is trying to tag Jeff… but Gallows runs in and takes out Jeff. Ambrose takes out both members of the Club…. no one to tag to. Sheamus in and he goes for a spear but eats the post… Cesaro comes in and Ambrose sends Cesaro to the outside. So Ambrose just stopped four guys from stopping him from getting a tag? Seth with a suicide dive to Gallows, springboard clothesline to Anderson for two but Gallows breaks it up. Hardys hit twist of fates…. Sheamus and Cesaro run away and Seth hits Anderson with a V Trigger for the win. So the Bar and the Club both looked like total bitches, so glad to see WWE address my complaints from last week about the Club looking too weak. And that’s the end of the show… was legit expecting the Hardys to turn on Seth and Ambrose because at least it would’ve been SOMETHING interesting to end the show on. Instead we got a midcard match with default booking as the main event.
Final Thoughts: The opening match, Cena/Reigns promo, Strauman taking out Lesnar and Strauman vs Cena were all really well done. Everything else sucked ass and felt flat, another one of those Raws where you could turned it off after 10 pm and not missed ANYTHING of substance. Very flat Raw with a few good moments spread throughout.