The true source of our suffering has been our timidity. We have been afraid to think…Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write. – John Adams, A Dissertation on the Canon and the Feudal Law
Damn straight.
THE WEDNESDAY PRE-WRESTLING-NEWS QUICKIES
In case you didn’t know, the “Anthrax Ripple” header from yesterday is a reference to the Monty Python Crunchy Frog sketch, in which it is one of the numerous flavors offered in the Wizzo Chocolate Company’s Quality Assortment, right alongside Cockroach Cluster and Ram’s Bladder Cup with Lark’s Vomit. Fun Fact: the late Graham Chapman’s character in the sketch got a name change when it came to the stage version. He went from being Superintendent Parrot to Constable Clitoris. Still, he was better off than Shane Helms.
The Yankees are in the World Series again, ho hum. Your Championship Series MVPs are Andy Pettite and Craig Counsell, in case you were curious or cared. Game 1 of the World Series is Saturday evening from the BOB. Watch me not give a damn except when Clemens is pitching against either Johnson or Schilling. It, however, does provide a convenient excuse not to watch Excess, instead of the usual “Why bother? We can catch Trish’s tits on Raw or Smackdown.”
Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf tied the knot Monday in Vegas, thus giving the new family unit 29 Grand Slam titles, two Olympic gold medals, one failed celebrity marriage, and one out-of-wedlock pregnancy legitimized by Monday’s ceremony. The baby’s a boy, and if it inherits Dad’s hairline, Mom’s nose, and both parents’ abilities, he’s going to look like Doctor Evil and have a wicked backhand. No word on whether Phil Knight has required the fetus to be imprinted with a swoosh tattoo.
SMACKDOWN TAPING RESULTS, HEAT TAPING RESULTS, AND DARK MATCHES
I told you yesterday that today’s column would be more wrestling-focused, didn’t I?
I’m going to be giving out results, so if you don’t want to read them, scroll down or click that back button…
Dark Matches:
Chuck Palumbo over Randy Orton: Surprising amount of psychology for a Palumbo match as Palumbo works over Orton’s knee repeatedly, which plays a part in the pinfall. Orton can’t finish off Palumbo with a back suplex due to the pressure on the knee, so Palumbo is able to finish him off with a superkick.
Billy Gunn over Brock Lesnar: FameAsser finishes the job against the up-and-comer. Gunn even does a bit of Hulking Up during the match. Thank God it’s a dark match.
Russ McCullough over Tommy Dreamer: Dreamer almost has him, but makes the mistake of going up top. One crotch to the turnbuckle followed by a superplex later, the former ECW stalwart is looking at the lights with a developmental talent on top of him, a position that I’m sure we’d all be afraid to be in.
Heat Matches:
Edge versus Test, WWF Intercontinental Title Match: This is going to be the main on Heat as it tries to upgrade its level of matches. A consensus good match ruined by an asinine DCO ending.
Yoshihiro Tajiri over Hurricane Helms, WCW Cruiserweight Title Match: From the descriptions, we’re talking major spot-fest here, but knowing these two, it’ll work on some level. Tarantula victim is Molly, and she and Torrie end up having a mini-catfight on the outside. No mist, but we get the Yakuza Kick for the pin.
Bradshaw over Chris Kanyon, presumably for the WWF European Title: Kanyon gets in a lot of offense considering that he’s facing Bradshaw, but it’s all to no avail as the Innovator has one of his little mental slip-ups that allows Bradshaw to nail the Clothesline From Hell.
X-Pac and Albert over Justin Credible and Raven: Does anyone really care anymore? Okay, Terri’s involved, so there are at least two reasons to care, but still. X-Factor/Flying Pierced Weirdo combination keeps Credible down as much as the WWF has lately.
Smackdown Matches:
The Alliance has honors tonight, since Vince and Linda got to open Raw. In said promo, the following happens: Shane punks out Kidman, Stephanie fires Palumbo, the Alliance members that are still standing take out Helms, Rhyno gets indefinitely suspended for losing the Who Gives A Rat’s Ass Belt to Angle, and whoever’s left starts to beat up the Dudleys for losing the WWF Tag Titles. Cue breaking glass. Austin the Peacemaker says that they shouldn’t be fighting at a time like this, and proposes an Alliance Battle Royal, the winner of whom gets to take on Jericho for the WCW title. Regal makes it so.
Alliance Battle Royal: If you can’t figure out the last three will be Booker, Test, and Van Dam, you haven’t been watching WWF programming lately. Test takes out Van Dam, and Booker stabs his own partner in the back to win the shot at Jericho later in the show. Scott Keith doesn’t rate battle royals.
Trish Stratus over Molly Holly: Okay, who did Molly piss off? First getting teamed with Helms, then the Vegas Fantasy Hooker outfit, now jobbing to Trish. Trish’s finisher, the Bulldog of Please Just Leave Me In The Headlock A Little Longer, wins it.
Bunch O’ Promos ™ follows, involving, in order, the Geriatric McMahons and Jericho, the twin commishes (Game Of The Night: Twister) and Christian (who gets a shot at Angle), the Tough Enough contingent (Al, Tazz, and Nidia, setting up the Tazz/Snow match later), and Vince and Flex (setting up the Flex/RVD match).
Kurt Angle over Christian, WCW US Title Match: Typical Angle match. Typical Christian entrance. AngleLock wins it. Nothing much to talk about, but it’ll be decent quality.
Chris Jericho over Booker T, WCW Title Match: Good match ruined by a stupid roll-up ending (God, I hate those). That should end the first hour.
Al Snow over Tazz: Hold it, Al Snow over Tazz? When was the last time Snow went over on anyone? For that matter, when was the last time Tazz went over anyone clean not named Maven? It’ll be good to see the Snowplow again, though. I’m a mark for unprotected head moves.
Another fun-filled snarl and scenery-chewing contest between Jericho and Flex in the back leads us to the point that Jericho thinks Flex should be a double champion like he is, so go out and win that prestigious Hardcore Title, bud. Flex responds with another shot about needing chairs to win matches.
Meanwhile, Slaughter interrupts another Vince/Linda lovefest to tell Vince that Shane’s pissed off and wants him for a Street Fight in the parking lot. Vince, of course, accepts. This leaves Linda alone, and, yep, you guessed it, the vile fruits of her loins come in and threaten her. Bitchslaps: Linda on Shane, Steph on Linda.
Dudz over Hardyz, WCW Tag Title Match: Oh, heaven help the world if the Dudleys don’t have some tag team gold around their waists. I fear the fabric of reality will shatter if they should remain beltless. Of course, the belts do have the practical purpose of keeping Buh Buh Ray’s pants up, and do we really want to see Buh Buh Ray with his pants down?
Rob Van Dam over Flex, WWF Hardcore Title Match: Naturally, since this is Flex, it takes interference by Booker, Test, and Shane to win it, despite the balancing forces of Jericho and Vince. A Booker garbage can shot to the head is the decider. This one’s going to be a tad overbooked.
Thank you, Rajah, for the results. Thank you, me, for the interpretation of said.
NON-SMACKDOWN HAPPENINGS
Raw scored a 3.9 in the ratings last night (3.6 for hour 1, 4.2 for hour 2, with a 4.3 overrun), its lowest figure of the year and the first time it’s dropped below a 4 in a long time (since March 30th, 1998, not counting time slot moves). The current excuse is the competition from the Yankees/Mariners deciding game and the Giants/Eagles game on Monday Night Football, which nuked the WWF in the New York and Philadelphia markets, normally large and strong for wrestling. Others are obviously going to say that the lack of Austin hurt them. The fact still remains that the WWF has lost 20% of its audience in the last six months, and the trend is still moving down. The fact that ratings dropped .2 for a post-PPV Raw should make them wonder in Stamford about what’s going on and how to solve it (from their actions, they may have thought about this already, but they sure aren’t doing anything about it). Dropping ratings are going to lead them right into the arms of Hall and Nash, and perhaps Steiner as well. Personally, I could live without ever seeing them again on my screen.
Let’s talk about this for a second. During the Monday Night Wars, a lot of people ran numbers and calculated that the core audience for the WWF was somewhere between a 3 and a 3.5, people who will watch the WWF regardless of what else is on (and at the time, people who wouldn’t switch over to Nitro). The WWF is now approaching that core audience number. The casual fans, the more recent fans who came on board with the perception that the WWF was “cool” to watch, are abandoning Raw. The WWF did nothing to successfully retain those people after the initial aura had worn off. The boom-and-bust cycle has its needle firmly stuck on “bust” at this moment, at a time when all indicators should be reading “boom” (bad economy and what should be the biggest angle in wrestling history). The primary fault for this lies with the writing staff, the people who failed to give the audience something interesting to watch.
I’m not surprised that this is happening. A great many people knew that they were heading into danger a year ago, starting with the Rikishi/driver angle. I was one of the first people to publicly criticize the idea of Stephanie McMahon being a writer and booker, when rumors were floating around that she booked last year’s dismal Survivor Series. Well, it’s eleven months later, and apparently she still hasn’t learned a damn thing about anything. The reason that Raw was in-ring-heavy this week was due to a lack of Austin, not because it’s the right way to broadcast wrestling. What does it say when the WWF optimists are jumping ship? What does it say when Meltzer says “They’re so out of touch with their audience that it’s scary”? In the television industry, the first step to a company bankrupty is creative bankrupty. Instead of looking for Hall and Nash to come in, how about bringing in some writers who know what they’re doing?
…yeesh, I’ve said that so many times over the past year that I should have a macro for it.
I do give credit where credit is due. Ryder had a decent editorial up at 1bullshit about this. God, when Ryder starts making sense, there’s a major, major problem somewhere.
Following up from yesterday, initial tests on Hayabusa have proved inconclusive, but he is starting to get a little movement back in his body. They’ve placed him in an oxygen chamber for right now to assist in breathing and to prevent secondary tissue damage. In the meantime, Genichiro Tenryu, who was scheduled to face Hayabusa at an upcoming All-Japan card, will now be facing Jinsei Shinzaki (you may know him better as Hakushi). Zach Arnold and the Gnomes of Puroresu Power have given out an address for the FMW office for those who want to wish Hayabusa well. FMW assures everyone that all cards and letters received will be forwarded to the hospital in Tokyo where Hayabusa is:
FMW (Entertainment Pro Wrestling)
c/o Hayabusa (Eiji Ezaki)
DaVinci Shimo Meguro 6F
2-23-15 Shimo Meguro
Meguro-ku, Tokyo 153-0064
JAPAN
No further news on the conditions of Wahoo McDaniel and Helen Hart.
That’ll be it for tonight. I’ll be back next Tuesday for more Raw analysis and a lot less stuff dealing with other things. Have a good one.
