For “cryptic” messages, please read backwards
– J.R., from the Ross Report, once again acknowledging the existence of the “smartÃ¢â‚¬Â crowdÃ¢â‚¬Â
Hello and Happy Holidays to all. I’m Flea and you have selected to read Saturday Evening Post. I thank you for your support and hopefully will make this enjoyable as you relax after pigging out like Mr. Creosote for Monty Python. See! I can make offbeat references and topical yet vague humor with the best of them!
Quick message to Grut: The party is going well as we invited friends and family from all over the country to participate in going on four days of decadence at Chateau Flea. I invited you because I thought it would make for great humor to see a Jewish Anti-Semite stick his own head in our oven. Sorry you missed it. By the way, Desi and I ARE NOT married and have no intentions of ruining good times by doing so. You must have overlooked that fact as your brain cells have had the SMACK laid down on them
Let’s get to it .
After a one week run on top and having accomplished their mission, the Internet darlings of the tag team world, The Worked Shoot managed by Paul Heyman, has relinquished their titles to the long time absent babyface team of Hope and Prosperity. It was hardly the classic “clean jobÃ¢â‚¬Â as Hope and Prosperity were dutifully aided by run-ins from Jerry “The KingÃ¢â‚¬Â Lawler and the Nature Boy himself, Ric Flair. So begins a “new eraÃ¢â‚¬Â as Hope and Prosperity fully intend to have a long run at the top, according “inside sourcesÃ¢â‚¬Â. The former tag champs of Doom and Gloom, who ran roughshod throughout the Summer, have reportedly been working shows in the Chicago area and are planning to make a swing through the Northeast and Canada in an attempt to regain their past glory. Most would agree that Doom and Gloom will make their return to action sooner than later, but for the time being most folks are enjoying Hope and Prosperity’s run with the gold. Ratings spiked with their return and although their return to Smackdown was marred by Thanksgiving, most people are predicting big things for the upcoming weeks for this duo.
My only complaint is Hope and Prosperity have their own little “cliqueÃ¢â‚¬Â if you will. See, wherever Hope and Prosperity go, they are accompanied by their friends In-Ring Promo and Backstage Skit. It has been proven that when these four are together, ratings jump. If you are looking for 12 Minute Matches and Wrestling Content, you are shit out of luck. The theory behind this is the “commonÃ¢â‚¬Â fan enjoys shows much more when offbeat shenanigans occur than shows that feature actual “wrestling.Ã¢â‚¬Â Save that shit for pay-per views, they say. So you have to take the good with the bad. For Hope and Prosperity to have a long run as the champs, we just have to put up with In-Ring Promo and Backstage Skit. Such is life.
I’m personally glad to see Flair back in action but am not crazy about his impending return to the ring. His last few matches were downright embarrassing when he attempted unsuccessfully to have a flashback with Flair Flips and the likes. I have no doubt that given 30 minutes with Austin, Rock Angle or HHH the psychology alone would be enough to carry the match, but WE JUST DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING PATIENCE TO SIT THROUGH IT!!. Or something like that. 3-5 minutes on Raw or Smackdown will just lead to a “greatest hitsÃ¢â‚¬Â package: chop chop chop, WHOOO!!!!, kick to the knee and general weakening of a leg, figure “now we go to schoolÃ¢â‚¬Â four, Flair Flip, Flair Flop, small package or “Dusty FinishÃ¢â‚¬Â. Sorry, but Flair just can’t do that anymore without looking old. Hopefully if a match DOES take place, it’s on PPV and given the time to develop into something.
As far a Lawler, ehh. He and Ross have great chemistry and comfortability but Lawler (admittedly) has no skill at getting the match or it’s participants over. So it’s double time duty for JR, just when he and Heyman were getting good. Welcome Back, King! Fortunately Jimmy Hart and the XWF have NO problem whatsoever with being kicked in the balls.
It has been reported that The British Bulldog, a.k.a. (or a.s.p.c.a). HA! See, I’M funny too, Grut!) Davey Boy Smith has been acquitted of threatening Bruce Hart. No word if the judge upheld the outstanding warrant against Bruce for “impersonating a wrestlerÃ¢â‚¬Â. At any rate, Davey Boy is off the hook and free to strangle Diana if he sees fit to do so. Russo could turn this in to a hell of an angle, in my opinion. Let’s start a petition.
Brian Adams, better known his role in the much maligned tag team of Kronik and less known for his **** Ã‚Â½ star match at WMIX against Doink has had is contract bought out by the Fed. Before you jump to conclusions and say it’s because he sucks, remember the Fed has promised to let many people go in the next few months and you have to start somewhere. David Flair is still progressing well, by the way, and should be part of the Fed’s plans for a long time to come. Okay.
Scott Hall is still a drunk, so say sources. I disagree. The definition of a “drunkÃ¢â‚¬Â in my opinion is someone who cannot afford to pay his bar bills. Hall has plenty of dough and therefore should be referred to as an “alcoholicÃ¢â‚¬Â, someone who IS able to afford decadence. Hope that has been cleared up for you guys and gals. Rumors about his behavior notwithstanding, he and Nash should still be on schedule for an early January return. Salud!
THE ROSS SAYS THIS
In his latest Ross Report, JR informed the readers (in this case ME) to read the damn thing backwards. I did and it was a refreshing change of pace; JR didn’t tell me shit. The same people are hurt, everyone in the minors has a great upside potential and the Oklahoma Sooners RULE!!! BY GAAAWWWD. To bad his report was apparently written before Nebraska got their asses kicked or he REALLY might have went off on a tangent.
NEWSFLASH!!!! Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Oklahoma has just LOST BY GAWD LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST LOST Good bye Rose Bowl, hello some other bowl where dumb ass teams that should have gone all the way but f*cked up.
Anyway, the only interesting news item is HHH ironically will be cleared to return around the time of the “VengeanceÃ¢â‚¬Â pay per view. Don’t look too much into this, says JR. Even though the poster features HHH, that’s just a coincidence. Are we being worked or aren’t we? This “crypticÃ¢â‚¬Â stuff is a bitch.
RADIO GA GA
Many of today’s wrestlers choose to express their opinions and gripes on various radio programs, be it the standard AM/FM stations or the up and coming Internet talk shows. Here is a run down on who said what
No Byte This due to the holidays, so E.C. put extra effort into his latest column. Go check it out. If I did this correctly, the column should appear if you reread the first sentence and click on the word “hisÃ¢â‚¬Â. Or right back there. If not, it’s on the newsline under “Mind SqueezinsÃ¢â‚¬Â. Good stuff. I should have invited E.C. to the party, if only to learn what “E.C.Ã¢â‚¬Â stands for ..
Jerry Lawler has a nice little chat with the Wrestling Guys where he described his recent return to the WWF. Very interesting, but I found this most curious:
On the differences between Paul Heyman and himself:
I’m not saying anything negative about Paul Heyman. He did a good job the entire time and he did was expected of him. But I think the chemistry was different because Paul is Paul and his character is one way. It’s a strong heel, combative character. And that was the same way I was when I first started doing the broadcast. That was the old school way that I had always thought a heel commentator should be. It took over a period of nine years for me to evolve into the more fun, entertaining type role. Jim Ross is the best at telling the story and selling the story to the audience. Like telling all of the little details in the story and he does it throughout the entire show. What happened with JR and Paul is you had JR selling the product during the show and Paul doing the same thing but in a different way. When I go out there to do the show, I don’t even know 90% of the time what the storyline is. I don’t have to know what it is. JR can do all the selling that needs to be done because again he is the best at it. I’m just there to react to what I see and say what comes into my mind and have fun with it and try to be entertaining. JR is the informative guy and I’m the entertainment guy.
Long story short, most people don’t give a f*ck if you put over Rhyno and RVD, just as long as you say “puppiesÃ¢â‚¬Â and have some goddamn fun. Welcome Back, Jerry! Good thing Brian Knobs doesn’t have that many teeth; it makes it easier to eat that pile of shit you sold him.
Ric Flair made his rounds and toughed on the following subjects:
- Great to be back
- He might return to the ring
- Great to be back
- He might return to the ring
- “After all these years and through everything you’ve seen and everything I’ve done, I’m still standing Bischoff? Russo? Dusty? Jim Herd? Hogan? I’ve seen Ã¢â‚¬Ëœem come and I’ve seen Ã¢â‚¬Ëœem go. ONE THING that remains constant: the Nature Boy will survive and he’s got a lot of steam left in Ã¢â‚¬Ëœol Space Mountain. Come along for the ride, because like it or not, it’s the best thing going .WHOOOO!!!!!!Ã¢â‚¬Â
Sorry, I had to be cool and do a Flair promo like everyone else. Peer pressure, you know.
Also on the radio were Kurt Angle on “Bubba the Love SpongeÃ¢â‚¬Â, which I heard and refuse to acknowledge and some chick from Tough Enough, which is a show that I don’t discuss anyway.
ROLL THE DICE
For those who are interested, Mikey Whipwreck is doing well and is staying re-goddamn-tired, thank you very much. For a nominal fee, Mikey will teach you how to get the shit beat out of you at his wrestling school. He will NOT tell you how Foley’s wife looks naked or if Tajiri REALLY speaks English, so get that out of your head before you enroll.
Chyna’s (or Joanie for those of you worried about a lawsuit) on stage debut in something called “My Darling JudithÃ¢â‚¬Â has been shit-canned. Apparently three shows were going to be held in Canada to show the world she is more than just a pretty face uh .a set of tits uh some kind of freak and planned to showcase her acting abilities. Anyway, the show is off. Don’t blame me, blame Canada. (Sorry, always wanted to say that)
IN OTHER WORDS
Now available on 411
Scott Keith is happy and he puts it into words for you via his Smarkdown Report. Enjoy the mood while it last, right
Josh Nason isn’t afraid to put his thoughts into words. As evidence, I give you Fight Club, right here.
Brian Cole continues to impress with his International Report. Say hello to him, right here.
Gamble still has a bunch of people locked down with no Internet access right here. A little experiment to see what it’s like to be a fan. I’d be happier with the hits for my f*cking columns, but that’s cool. Go see what they are up to.
READ EXCESS READ EXCESS READ EXCESS READ EXCESS. I put my heart and soul into that show .do me a favor .it will be up tomorrow
Quite an eventful week in the wrestling world as Flair, Lawler and general good time feelings have returned. Enjoy it while it lasts, WWF. You are the only game in town for the Internet crowd to kick around, so don’t expect the euphoria to last. Sorry to say, but thems the breaks.
Personally, I’m happier than a pig in shit over the whole thing. It’s depressing as hell to read about how much wrestling sucks by a gang of people that were not even watching when the product was really in the toilet (94ish through mid 96). It ain’t as bad a you think sometimes, kids.
That wraps it up for today cept a certain person who shall remain nameless requested the following ..and I don’t need my arm twisted to bust BOB’s balls so here you go .
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Not sure if you noticed
The latest craze for video game pleasure is the X-Box, Microsoft’s latest toy for people who need something for their Christmas stockings.
Microsoft’s resident genus at large and boss, Bill Gates, hopes to bring good cheer to all with this new goodie, hopefully redeeming himself to a large number of people who consider him to be Satan.
But, if you swap around a few letters of Satan, you DO get Santa, something I’m sure that Mr. Gates is fully aware of and therefore does not mind the name calling. Unfortunately a person who did not catch onto this little play on words was a wrestler who had a “gimmick runÃ¢â‚¬Â as Santa, but decided for some unknown reason to spell the name “Xanta ClausÃ¢â‚¬Â
This unfortunate phonetically and gimmick challenged wrestler is better known as Balls Mahoney, who went onto fame in ECW.
As we all know, the biggest supporter’s of ECW were the “bleacher bumsÃ¢â‚¬Â who’s ringleader was Dave Scherer The same Dave Scherer who is gainfully employed and arrogantly opinionated at 1wrestling.com
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This has been Saturday Evening Post and I’m Flea.