Roast nuts chestin’ on an open fire
Santa’s tongue stuck to the doorknob
His balls got bottled by a carolin’ choir
While the parson gave him a head job
The sleigh came down and took him away
The whole damn crowd was dismissed
‘Cause it’s time to be jolly and it’s time to be gay
Holy shit, it’s Christmas
– Red Peters, “Holy Shit, It’s Christmas”
Of all the things I would have put on the list for qualifications to be an airport security screener, I never thought “podiatry” would have to be one of them. I wonder if C-4 works better than Odor-Eaters…
Welcome to another Tuesday at the revived 411 (Easter would be more apropos than Christmas considering the weekend, wouldn’t it?). I’m not going to wish you “Happy Holidays” for two reasons: 1) You’re probably sick of hearing it already and 2) I don’t mean it. I detest the holiday season and I hope that you’re having as miserable a time as I am right now. By the way, reindeer tastes pretty good if you smother it with hunter’s sauce. Try it sometime.
For a lot of people, this is the lousiest time of the year. I can’t go shopping; the crowds will trigger my anxiety disorder. I get depressed with the double whammy of Thanksgiving and my birthday, then when I start to come out of it, oh, here’s Christmas right around the corner. You have this moral obligation to be around family, none of whom I can stand, but I have to make the effort anyway because it’s the goddamn holidays (in fact, I’m writing this mainly after coming home from my mother’s, and being near that castrating bitch…Jesus, why can’t she just die so I can get her SUV?). Everyone gets bitchy if there’s no snow, because it wouldn’t be Christmas without snow here in the north, but everyone gets bitchy if there is snow, because it’s a pain in the ass to drive anywhere. Traffic is hell anyway, so who gives a damn if there’s white shit on the ground?
I went through a long spiel about the crass commercialization of a formerly religious holiday last year (and did again at Halloween), so I’ll spare you that. Anything else? Oh, yeah, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer still gives me nightmares. I can’t believe they actually decided to make a sequel to that piece of shit. For that matter, any Rankin-Bass special gives me nightmares. They’re all so…unnatural. Christmas carols are some of the worst pieces of music ever conceived of by humankind (“Oh, Holy Night” being the exception that proves the rule). You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to break into “Anarchy In The UK” between two “Noel”s. I have to dose myself with an hour of Bob Rivers for each minute of “Jingle Bells” that I hear. And what the f*ck’s so fun about riding in a one-horse sleigh? Yeah, I love freezing my ass off and smelling horse farts while riding through land that would actually look nice if it had some green to it, like in summer, but which looks like a set that David Lean rejected for “Doctor Zhivago” when covered with the white shit.
And just when you think your torment has ended, a week later, you get to witness what assholes your friends truly are on New Years’ Eve when they get loaded and try to sing along with whatever ditty’s playing at whatever party you’ve been dragged to because your friends think you shouldn’t be alone on New Years’ Eve. And then you have to survive the drive back home, because it’s Amateur Hour on the roads.
The most nauseating part is how nice and happy everyone is, or appears to be. Just goes to prove that all humans are hypocrites, except for me. I don’t fake being nice and appreciative and loving. I could do it, but I don’t. Screw humanity. The Herald Angels are actually singing “Go Fuck Yourself”, and no one listens because they can’t stand facing up to the fact that their lives are complete frauds. So take your holidays and shove them up your collective asses, if there’s any room left in there, what with your heads occupying most of the space.
I’m even more miserable because…
TIME’S MAN OF THE YEAR IS…
Rudy Giuliani. Wrong. One, he’s an evil Republican (sorry for the redundancy). Two, he’s from the world’s largest open-air cesspit, Noo Yawk. Three, he’s not the biggest newsmaker of the year (I explained that last week). Time is loaded with cowards and lickspittles who don’t want to offend the home city of the parent corp, especially with a new CEO about to move in as Gerry Levin goes gently into that good night. However, my favorite image of the year does involve Rudy: the look on his face as Luis Gonzales’ single went bloop. As big a bunch of bullshit as last year’s choice, I’m afraid. And the 70% who actually voted “Yes” to his choice at cnn.com’s poll, you’re all on the Moron List.
FOOTBALL FALLOUT
Larry King Style!…Haven’t done this in a while, so bear with me…Memo to the asshole Cleveland fans: at least the Bears, like, kept it close against the Packers. Snow is no excuse…The Pats in the playoffs? I don’t know what’s more surprising, them or the Bears being there (well, the Bears considering Sunday’s alleged effort)…Speaking of the Bears, maybe they’ve found that tight end they’ve been looking for in Brian Urlacher…What the hell’s going on with the Rams? Carolina was playing like they found religion or something. That’s not the way to expose the business, Mister Martz…Memo to Jim Haslett: Look, the last thing I want to see is Tampon Bay in the playoffs. Thank your team for me for that wonderful impression of a beached whale they did, okay? It just added to the holiday cheer…Don’t blame Peyton Manning for the Colts’ comeback falling short. The defense went AWOL on the Jets’ final drive, and the Colts receivers were dropping everything in sight…Have the Gramatica brothers received a Thank You card from their HMO yet?…Can we stop the trend of players moving to other teams when their coaches and/or general managers do so? It’s bad enough seeing Jim Flanigan in green and gold, but fans in Seattle and KC really have something to bitch about considering their quarterbacks. Az Hakim to KC during the offseason; put money down on it.
I said last Wednesday that I’d let BFM, good Browns fan that he is, get the last word in on Art Modell. So here he goes: Celebrating one greedy bastard underhandedly moving a team to your city while cursing another greedy bastard underhandedly moving a team from your city is as morally indefensible as celebrating an unconvicted murderer as Super Bowl MVP. He’s good, folks. That’s why we’re friends.
LATER TONIGHT ON TNT…
“A Chicago Christmas Carol”, starring Jerry Krause as Scrooge and Tim Floyd as Bob Cratchit. Too bad that they started out to make “Great Expectations”. Godspeed, Mister Floyd, and may your next employment experience be a better one than this.
YOUR HOLIDAY PIMP SECTION
Good choices, Gamble. Too bad you weren’t around when Watchmen came out originally. For that entire year, everyone was talking about where Moore and Gibbons were taking the story, and the ending pissed a LOT of people off at the time. It was the comic that you could show to people who pooh-poohed on comics to convince them that you weren’t wasting your time reading them. Benovitz actually found ten good matches in 2001 to rank, and a lot of stuff to ramble on about. Double dose of Mahaud, with his Heat recap and his Bret/Owen retrospective. And let’s not forget Brower and Jakked.
Ah, to hell with it. There’s nothing going on, so…
THE SHORT FORM (TAPE-DELAYED)
Match Results:
Rikishi over Test (DQ, Tim White hits Test…yes, you read that right): Well, Rikishi gets free drinks for life at the Friendly Tap for the save. ‘Tis the season to be hostile, I guess, right, Mister Martin? At least we can give them points for playing up the fact that Test is immune from termination for the next ten and a half months, though.
Billy Gunn and Chuck Palumbo over Bradshaw and Faarooq (Gunn pins Bradshaw, illegal double-team tactics, so I guess Gunn and Palumbo are heels): The existence of this match should disprove the existence of Christmas goodwill all by itself. I said a lot about Gunn and Palumbo last week, so I’ll keep this comment short: I like the idea that they’re trying to make these guys into a comedy heel tag team, but it’s just another reversion to 1998. Palumbo’s going to have to play the role of Road Dogg, but there’s a slight problem: Armstrong was one of the best promo men in the WWF in his day, and that’s what they need to get over. Palumbo just doesn’t have it.
Rob Van Dam over Lance Storm (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Well, well, well, what’s this? Is it a match on Raw between two guys that I actually like? It truly is the season for miracles. Not bad for what it was either.
Torrie Wilson over Stacy Keibler, Eggnog Match (Pinfall…who cares? It’s two women rolling around in dairy products with cinnamon on top): Matches involving any type of comestible do not attract me, despite the presence of my Beautiful and Beloved. Next.
Christian over Hurricane Helms (Pinfall, Unprettier): Ah, now we’re back to matches involving two people I don’t care about. And all’s right with the world. Typical “give the boys some camera time” match.
Monsignor Booker Huffman, S.J. over Maven (Pinfall, snap slam): And here’s the Christmas present for the old-school fans: a squash. Maven may still be working on his moves, but he’s got the selling skills down pat. If this was the old days, he’d be a Horowitz-level JTTS already. And can I mention, in a purely manly way, how attractively evil Traylor looks in a suit?
Tajiri Claus over Buh Buh Claus, Santa Claus Match (Pinfall, superkick): Apparently Trey Parker and Matt Stone are now on the WWF booking committee (appropriate considering the decline in the writing of both the WWF and South Park). And shouldn’t Tajiri have used both the red and green mist? ‘Tis the season and all that. This match was so morally f*cked up on so many levels that I have to appreciate it. Bravo.
Chris Jericho over Kurt Angle and the Hometown No-Talent, Triple-Threat Undisputed Title Match (Pinfall, Jericho pins Flex, Angle DDT on chair): Stupid Fan Alert: Jericho and Flex are fighting it out in the ring, one on one. What does the crowd start chanting? “Angle Sucks”. Pay attention to what’s happening in the ring, people. Otherwise, your typical two-heels-on-one-alleged-face triple threat match, with loads of miscommunication, a ref bump…we’ve seen it all before.
Angle Developments:
On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On Stripper!: Well, Vince knows how to throw an office Christmas party. I’ve never had one like that from any of my employers. Well, there was that time in the Army when…no, that would be a demonstration of wasting taxpayers’ money. Whatever happened there, though, it had to have been a helluva lot better than Flair’s party, where TBS and the Singing Redneck were the entertainment. I wish I could remember exactly what happened at that party in the Army, though. I hate having those kind of gaps in my memory.
Many Happy Returns: And welcome back to Raw for many people. Brisco, Patterson, Maven, Terri, Moolah, Mae, Traylor (who reappeared on SD, but who hasn’t been on Raw in a while), Lombardi (more camera time for him on Raw than the last three months combined), TBS’s impersonation of Hogan, Molly, PAISLEY! (back on Monday nights, at least), Arn Anderson (God bless Flair for inviting his old pal to the party), and, of course, Steph, since we have to have at least two McMahons to make it an official WWF Christmas.
Geriatric Gynecology: Well, it is the first time Patterson’s ever seen one of those up close. I’m sure it scared all of you…oh, that’s right, I’m talking to wrestling fans. Very few of you probably have seen one of those up close.
Age, Rage, But No Cage: Okay, let me throw out a comment about Flair/McMahon at Royal Rumble. Remember a couple years ago when the great “Belts Don’t Matter” debate was raging following a typical Vince Russo comment? It’s now back. Yes, the world title should take a backseat to the Royal Rumble match at that show. However, it shouldn’t take a back seat to two guys with a combined age of one hundred eight, one of whom isn’t a wrestler, fighting out their differences. Giving the Undisputed Title to Jericho has done what I thought would happen: it’s devalued the belts (albeit that’s the only negative thing in giving them to Jericho). The title needs someone of Austin’s or Trip’s stature to hold it. Now that won’t happen until at least No Way Out, which means we get a repeat of last year’s scenario, when they hot-shot the title off Angle in order to get the oh-so-desired-by-me Austin/Flex main for WM. If Jericho holds on until February, then you know there’s a title change at No Way Out. It’s uninspired booking at its finest.
AND IN OTHER WRESTLING NEWS…
Again, it’s the holidays. There isn’t any. Well, Juvi’s going to be doing the January NOAH tour in Japan, and I suppose that’s news. Savage getting 1bullshit to publicize his philanthropy while promoting his appearance on WWA’s ridiculous PPV in February is more on the “standard operating procedure” scale (although the ten grand is going to help sick kids, and that’s always a nice thing). Otherwise, it’s dull out there.
Just one final thing. I kept it to the end since the rest of the column is loaded with invective and general mean-spiritedness, and it just seemed inappropriate to put it in the upper section. Allow me to add myself to the condolence list for Dick Schaap. This is a major loss to the art of writing about and broadcasting sports. Tapes of him should be the centerpiece of a Sports Broadcasting 101 class. Always a classy individual, knowledgable, intelligent, never condescending, and a pleasure to watch. He will definitely be missed.
See you tomorrow.
About Eric Szulczewski
