Saturday Evening Post 01.19.02

Hello out there!! Welcome again to Saturday Evening Post. I’m Flea. Lot’s o’ stuff today as it’s a PPV Weekend, which always makes weekend news reporting easier than basic math. A couple of quick notes and we’ll get this party started on a Saturday Night .

I’m watching Goldberg attempt to play golf at the moment. He is on the charity side of the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic and here’s how it’s going for Mr. Bill:

Par 3 and Bill whacks an oversized golf ball (!) about 80 yards wayyyy left. Jerkoff. He then uses the real ball and goes wayyyyyy right, but at least he is in the proximity of something that could possibly be under consideration for “pin high”. His post-shot comments include how he is having fun right now kicked back and collecting his dough. He thinks he sets a good example for “the kids” then says thanks to everyone and makes his way back to the golf cart. Obviously not knowing the camera is STILL on him, Bill breaks what looks to be a nine iron over his knee ha ha ha!

A quick shout out to Justin and Adrian at the Saturday Night Matinee show in the mall. Sorry to hear the joint is closing cause it’s the best place in town for DVD’s and movies. Adrian is a big time wrestling fan and a super cool guy in general who always hooks me up with the rasslin DVD’s. How bout some freebies since the place is shutting down? Drop me a line, I’ll be in next week either way.

Is Grut a starf*cker or what? First Netcop and now CRZ. No wonder why he never talks to me anymore.

Let’s get to it .

TOP STORY

The Royal Rumble is Sunday Night and it looks to be a jam-packed show. Live from Hot-Lanta, oddly enough the home of a former competitor. Think that will come into play? Me neither. Think that it should? Me too.

Here is the card:

Royal Rumble with the winner moving along to a title shot at Wrestlemania.

Al Snow, Albert, Big Show, Billy, Booker T, Boss Man, Bradshaw, Christian, Chuck, Diamond Dallas Page, Faarooq, Godfather, Goldust, Jeff Hardy, Kane, Kurt Angle, Lance Storm, Matt Hardy, Maven, Mr. Perfect, Perry Saturn, Rikishi, Rob Van Dam, Scotty 2 Hotty, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Test, The Hurricane, Triple H, Undertaker and Val Venis.

Of note are the returns of gimmicks past, not to mention the Hardys. We need to have an Ironman, per stipulation for Royal Rumble rules, and that should be Kurt Angle, in my opinion. Kurt thinks the same thing, which you may or may not know depending if you checked out Byte This. This should be good enough to keep your attention for an hour and a half, with the thing boiling down to HHH vs. Austin one way or the other. Again, no problem with that. It would be cool to get some mileage out of RVD as well as Booker and Hennig, and be on the lookout for a variety of comedic spots. Think they will make anything of Chuck, Billy and Goldust? Think Godfather, DDP and Hurricane will look at each other and laugh hysterically? Think Bossman and nevermind. Excitement galore!

WWF Championship Match – Rock vs. Some Other Guy

According to Smackdown and the promos Rock appears to be the dead nuts lock to win. But wait! That’s what the WWF wants us to think and therefore Guy should be able to cheat his way to victory, maintaining his heat and getting himself over as a credible champion. But wait! Maybe we are too smart for our own good and Rock is really gonna win the thing. But wait! It makes no sense to out the belt on Rock right now because Guy needs it more than he does. But wait! My head hurts. All I know is now is Some Other Guy’s chance to turn me into a believer by making his “in ring work” match up to his promos. Will he do it? I doubt it. Will it be a great match? Yes. Rock has a proven track record on PPV. Will folks scream that Guy “carried” the Rock? Probably. Will they be right? No!

Vince vs. Fair – Street Fight

This one should be fun. People can complain about Vince all they want but he always takes great beatings in his PPV matches and this one will be no exception. And it’s Flair, folks. The “dirtiest player in the game”. Look for eyepokes, ballshots and BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! I’m wondering if Vince has the balls to rip of the “Flair Flip” or “Flair Flop” just to be a dick. The psychology should be good enough to make up for the ages of these old goats, not to mention BLOOD! I love matches like this.

Edge vs. Regal – Intercontinental Championship

Should be another good stiff match. Edge has been looking good lately, retaining his title against all comers but having Regal commit severe acts of nefariousness via brass knucks. I’m cool with Regal cheating to win and then Edge chasing him for a while, eventually getting the belt back at WM. Of course if anything else happens, I’ll be cool with that as well. THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE!

Don’t ask me why, but I’ve always wanted to type that.

Duds vs. Tazz and Spike – Tag Team Championship

Spike is going for the “The Jeff Hardy “Man Does This Dude Do Some Stupid Shit” award and is doing a damn fine job of it. A 3-D on concrete? Ugh. Rumor has it this is Paul E.’s pet project for the moment, which should be for a good old fashioned ECW-style tag match. I.e. a bunch of shit happening and breaking. What is to be gained with another Dudley run with the belts? Nothing. What is to be gained with a Tazz / Spike extended run with the belts? Umm

Jazz vs. Trish – Women’s Championship

Have I told you that Terri is the new host of EXCESS? I like it like that.

This show sounds pretty good, huh? I’ll be watching it and hopefully YOU will be too if not 411 will have plenty of content pertaining to the show available. Cheapskates.

HEADLINES

Continuing on the topic of the Rumble, you guys with Direct TV are f*cked yet again. No deal no PPV of WWF events. Another webcast on WWF.com is available for those of you not scared of modern technology and it only costs about $15. However, it is my opinion that you should spend that money on a 411 t-shirt. Not to mention the fact that BOSS’s columns do more hits than the f*cking webcast anyway.

Cody Monk had some opinions and views in his newspaper column from Edge, Flair and Booker. The topic? N.W.O. (Hall, Nash and Hogan for those of you who did not know that). Vince has obviously told everyone what to say on this as all the answers sound the same: “Glad to see they are coming in and if it’s a benefit for the company then I’m all for it.” Bullshit. Don’t these guys read the net? THE ENTIRE LOCKERROOM is up in arms with despair and jealously! Or maybe that’s bullshit and the “boys in the back” (I cringe whenever I write that. Maybe because I have a sense of reality and a conscience, I guess) are really happy to have these guys come in and give the product a kick in the ass. I guess it’s all in who you believe. All is know is this will be the first time in as long as I can remember that the Torch’s (Keller’s) prediction of “Hogan at Wrestlemania” may actually come to fruition. Of course the deck is a little stacked now, ain’t it.

And for those keeping track of these sort of things, Smackdown’s final rating was a 4.0. So what happens if the product gets super hot, we have **** television matches every show, sellouts around the country for live events and the rating is STILL around a 4.5? Just wondering.

Speaking of Joe Rivett well I wasn’t but I just thought I would throw that in

THE ROSS SAYS THIS

In the latest Ross Report, JR took it easy this week with the latest poop. To everyone in California that recaps wrestling television to near maniacal detail, the news of Steve Blackman’s neck injury is a definite downer. Even JR, who could find a bright side to your cat getting raped, says the prognosis ain’t good. More to come on this, I’m sure.

Austin will be on that show that runs opposite to EXCESS, Big Show will be in a Stacker 2 commercial and Booker will do some Hungry Man promotion. I’m glad to see the Book getting so much attention lately. Although I have a feeling that with Scott Hall returning, all these endorsements may fly out the window for poor Booker. “Hey Yo! When you are HUNGRY, MAN you just gotta get something to eat!” That just sells itself, now don’t it?

Huh? I was supposed to make a lame joke about Show’s weight? Well, that’s why I leave the comedy to pros like Grut and Scots (who?).

In an item that flew by everybody JR threw in this little tidbit when he was crowing about the developmental talent:

“The positive chemistry in our locker room is truly a blessing for us. That will, hopefully, never change, as it stimulates growth and development for all involved in the process.”

That pretty much confirms that Hall, Nash and Hogan are not only signed but will make their appearance at the Rumble, costing the Rock the belt and aligning with Some Other Guy to reform the N.W.O. All you have to do is read between the lines, folks.

RADIO GA GA

Many of today’s wrestlers choose to express their opinions and gripes on various radio programs, be it the standard AM/FM stations or the up and coming Internet talk shows. Here is a run down on who said what

Dean Malenko did a WWF.com interview, which are quickly becoming one of my favorite things to read. Go check out the archived Hardcore Holly interview. You just ain’t gonna here that stuff on any of these “Wrestling Radio Shows”. Anyway, Dean is looking to re-ignite the Cruiserweight division which is going on it’s 4th year of being an “in work project”, not to mention a “great assest to the program if all the details could come together” Whatever. For Cruiser action, watch Lucha Libre providing that you get Galavision. Or just pretend like kicks and punches are topes and planchas.

Big Vito was back on the radio (this guy does more appearance than ANYONE, I tell ya!) and said his normal stuff. He is pretty much the most non-confrontational guy in the world and hardly ever says anything that might burn a bridge or step on a toe. On the flip side of that, Tom Zenk is a piece of shit who was never any good anyway. At least Honky was entertaining with his bitterness. Zenk is just a f*ckhead.

Lita said some stuff but she has now been added to the “Tough Enough” list, meaning that I will no longer talk about her. Chicks with lip tattoos disgust me.

ROLL THE DICE

According to Da Meltz, the Iron Sheik got a taste of heightened airport security as he was detained under the suspicion of being a terrorist. Apparently they made him remove his shoes. No report if they were the goofy shoes he wears in the ring. Who the hell don’t know who the Iron Sheik is? Ridiculous and another example of racial profiling if you ask me. Think they would have stopped Nikolai Volkoff? Nope. Baron von Rascke? No way! Giant Baba? Of course not. Tiger Ali Singh? Well .nah. No one gives a f*ck about him anyway.

IN OTHER WORDS

Now available on 411

Netcop

Sean

E.C.

Gamble

T-shirt

Also the Rasslin Roundtable where you get to witness first hand the ruination of egos in a contest of predicting the outcome of a predetermined event. BOSS is so f*cking confident that he don’t even tell ya why, just who.

According to my sources 411 will have REAL TIME COVERAGE of the Rumble so feel free to follow the fine findings of four one one.

And before I forget, thanks to Derrill@InsaneNinjaHero.com for providing the cartoon that Eric linked the other day. You didn’t see it. What? You didn’t see it? What? What? What? What?

Well then here it is again http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2000-09-18&res=l

PAGE SIX

A very special Happy Birthday to Pat Patterson of the WWF. To celebrate let’s rummage through some writings left by the late GloryDog and do this in a style that is befitting to a man like Pat

-Backstage, the Undertaker roars in on his (wannabe) Hog. People dove out of the way. UT hit no pedestrians, but was able to smash into every Fruit Stand in the building. No, that was NOT a Patterson joke.

-Backstage, Mick Foley tried to pick up the Cactus Plant that HHH knocked down. He caught a thorn. He said “PRICK!!”

-at that moment, Patterson arrived. Mick looked at him and said, “Pat, I was just thinking about’cha!” (SEE… FORESHADOWING!!!!)

-why would getting as big prick in a place that has no business getting pricked remind Mick of Pat? Is he from the Desert? I thought he was from Canada?

-Oh… maybe it’s because Pat has always been a THORN IN MICK’S SIDE!!!!!! (ahh, that makes sense)

-Pat begged Mick to end the match tonight between Shane and the Rock. Mick mulled it over… decided

no… then banged his gavel on Pat’s thumb by accident. Ross laughed harder than the day MLK was killed.

– Let’s see… I say the KOTR. I thought it was excellent. But you know what? That “Hardcore Evening Gown Match”? Even I have to say… “No mas, No Mas”. The entire ordeal freaked me out. It freaked the entire building out too. I have NEVER seen such a hot crowd cool down so F-ing fact before in my LIFE. I might even have been to blame for this. Thanks to me, Patterson’s lifestyle is now VERY well known, and not as “taboo” as it would have been a few years ago. They see me making cracks about it for the past 2 years, (although for some amazingly stupid reason, Scaia would tell you that Zimmerman is the “Master Of the Patterson Joke”) and see that it’s really no big deal. So they play around with it now. This Gown match tho’… oh Lord… MUCH too much.

-Hunter had a mic, and reminded HBK that they’ve always been tight… so he can imagine that HBK was as bummed as HHH was about the screwing that occurred on his personage last night. (say, where IS Patterson anyway?)

-Vince continued that Judgment Day was a day where some big, giant, deity would “judge” Human beings on the way we live our lives… whereas we will be rewarded, or punished! (Which explains why Patterson wasn’t anywhere NEAR the show

– Back in Times Square, Terri was at the restaurant and said that she will give head to ANYONE who tries the “Patterson’s Creme of Mushroom Soup”… dear Lord, what a conundrum

Happy Birthday Pat !

This has been Saturday Evening Post and I’m Flea.

Flea