A Wrestling News Report 1.25.02

Hey everybody! I’m Joshua Grutman, although in an ill-fated decision I chose the name Joshua Grut to be my pen name. Let’s do some funny, shall we?

NEWS!!!

BOOKER T WAS SCHILLENGER’S BITCH

Thanks to bseebach@wtplaw.com for bringing this story to me.

Booker T spent 19 months in jail for committing an armed robbery at a Wendy’s in Houston, a place where he had formerly been an employee. Hmm, didn’t Dave Thomas die recently? Has anyone asked Booker T where he was at the time?

Oh, I have more. Booker T chose Wendy’s over Burger King because he likes the little white girls.

Police suspected the Huffman brothers when slapjack marks were found all over the 17 year old burger flippers.

Booker got his nickname in prison when the bigger inmates would lick their fingers before turning him over like a page and putting their mark in him.

After getting out of prison, Booker T got a job with WCW, considered by some to be a very slight improvement.

These are awful, but I’m going to KEEP ON DOING IT!

It’s in prison that Booker T first started calling white people Suckas, but for a very different reason.

Booker T says the worst part of prison was when Luke Perry started to invade his dreams. (Five people will get that one.)

An inmate named Harlem got pretty close to Booker, leading to one of the most successful tag team names of all time.

Some people say that Booker T’s gang was eerily similar to the Rock’s gang in Miami who robbed McDonald’s. Same catchphrases and tags and everything.

Anyway, in conclusion, let’s do something with this. Either chant Wendy’s or New Fish at Booker every time he comes out. Or if they’re in Houston, “Welcome Back, Bitch!”

Please don’t kill me Booker.

JUNK NEWS, HUZZAH!

Booker T learned the spinarooni trying to get unstuck from Big Rob’s pole. Okay, enough.

The WWF’s Chris Benoit, Tajiri and Torrie Wilson drew a crowd of 3,000 yesterday in Singapore. Chris Benoit finally felt tall.

D-Lo is expected to be called up in May to the WWF. He was so stunned when he heard this news he became paralyzed with delight.

Most feel that Hulk Hogan will be back sooner then later. Hogan’s first order of business will be comparing his tits with Flair’s.

The creative staff has not come up with anything for the Hardyz. Jeff is adamantly suggesting a program with Billy and Chuck. COME ON, PEOPLE! Have you ever read his poetry?

Virgil and Ted Dibiase can be seen at the Monroeville Expo Mart on 4/27,28,29 in Pittsburgh, PA.I guess that everybody does have a price, and Virgil and Ted’s price is about 50 bucks.

David Flair battled Sean O’Haire at a recent OVW taping that Scott Keith called, “The best damn match I’ve ever had the honor of seeing. BONZO GONZO! DUD! I WRITE BOOKS ABOUT WRESTLING! I’M THE NEXT STU SAKS!”

Slam Wrestling is calling for the WWF to start ranking their wrestlers. Yes, let’s complicate this crap even more with a rankings system. It’s fake! It’s all fake, except for the injuries! Do we need fake rankings for our fake sport? They put on plenty of good matches in the Heavyweight and intercontinental divisions. Don’t be a jerk.

Smackdown may be preempted in Cleveland tonight. In other news, Drew Carey has shot himself in the head.

In ratings news, RAW went up a couple of decimal points this week. Executives in Connecticut have stopped committing suicide and are now spending money like there’s no tomorrow.

JUNK NEWS! WASSUP?

SMACKDOWN THOUGHTS AS IT HAPPENS. NOT A RECAP, JUST THOUGHTS. JUST THREE BEERS TONIGHT. TAKING IT EASY

Intro video: Everybody lost at the Royal Ruble. Didn’t Chris Jericho and William Regal win?

Opening: I like the giant fist. It reminds me of my childhood.

RVD and REGAL: So they call him the Whole Damn Show now? That’s just great. Jeez, look at Regal’s package. He’s not a shy boy at all. Wow, what’s with the flames on everyone’s outfits? Are they sending a message or something to the gay communi that was fast. RVD literally didn’t even break a sweat. If Edge wasn’t supposed to be there, why’d they play his music?

McMahon 1: So Edge snaps, McMahon snaps. He repeats himself again. Get some actors or something! Man, this is just lousy acting for an insane person.

Rollerball is coming! And it has Edge’s theme music in the commercial!

You hear about this whole Enron thing? Just think, rearrange the lets and take away an N and you get NERO! FIDDLING AS THE EMPIRE BURNS! FIDDLE, NERO! FIDDLE AWAY! I’ll leave the rest of the political commentary to Eric.

Slam of the Week: Bossman taking the stinkface. Thank God they set up this match.

Bossman vs. Rikishi: So, is Jackie a serious wrestler or a bi-sexual slut? Or a ref? Between Rikishi, Hogan and Flair, they should rename it the World Tits Federation. I don’t know what Keith is talking about. Sure, he’s not the greatest wrestler ever, but Bossman still gets heat. Who is this match supposed to get over? Jackie as a referee? Rikishi goes over the Bossman, nothing happens. The only way someone can get heat here is if Bossman goes over Rikishi. Jackie is the worst reverie ever except for Dave Hebner, but Hulk Hogan took care of him. SLOW COUNT! I guess this is to get Jackie over as a ref. EARTHQUAKE! BRING BACK TENTA! HAVE THEM FEUD! NOW THE BONSAI DROP! BRING BACK YOKOZUNA! A THREE WAY FEUD! Oh yeah. The dead guy and all.

HHH and Steph thing: King looks bored. Steph was right, Hunter has changed. He ballooned. Lillian is hot. Steph is all evil and stuff. That was a cute evil smile. I would have preferred Mexican curses to the “IT BURNS, IT BURNS!” Still, I’ll take all the Lillian I can get. MMM. Lillian. She can Garci my A anytime! My God. Did I just type that? Whatever.

I like the moments ago bit. It makes me feel young again. “IT BURNS! IT BURNS! NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!”

Wormberts vs. Lollipop League: The rap music really helps Tazz. Stacey is so goddamned hot. Go get tickets and throw some sperm on her. Scotty’s clap didn’t really catch on. I think an 80 year old and a retarded child started doing it. Spike is an idiot. Wait, Albert is capitalizing with a big swing. He’s the bigger idiot. This thing will never end. Scotty’s in! I thought Rock copyrighted the elbow drop? Neckbreaker. Shouldn’t Spike be dead by now? This is going to lead to Tazz turning heel and feuding with Spike. Can’t wait for that one. Why’d Scotty do the clap in the beginning if they’d be playing the heels? HERE COMES TAZZ! MIDGET FURY! HERE COMES THE WORM! He actually hit it. DUDLEY DOG! Cool little spot with the Tazzmission.

HHH and Steph: Wow. Those things really, really got huge. I think she also put on some weight. Look at those thighs. No wonder he’s dumping her. Vince had Stephanie kidnapped and almost had her marry the Undertaker. Stone Cold saved her. We forget so quickly, don’t we? Vince thinks only one person is good enough for Steph and that’s Shane. So he did he just call Steph a slut? Man, I wish I could treat my wife like that. Well, I’m not married, so my girlfriend. Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, so my dog. Well, my dog is at home with my family. I am so desperately lonely.

Where’s Booker T’s best advantage in a match? That’s right, the STEEL CAGE!

I hear that Booker T roomed with Nailz.

You can still watch the Royal Rumble on the computer! Geek.

Rock interview: Be good to your brother, Rock. Apparently there are very few of you who didn’t go to prison. Will he be nice? Nope. Why does Rock love to embarrass people? Coach should just start crying and run away. No one would think lesser of him. Oh, well, the Rock got people cheering for him. I’m actually kind of laughing. He did that well, and the Rock was close to cracking up. Coach is much better then Cole. Why is Shirley Temple on an ice cream sandwich? Jericho beat the Rock, and the Rock is a sore loser. The Rock gets his teeth bleached. This Wrestlemania is going to be the Rock’s? I thought everyone said it was going to be Steve Austin and HHH’s?

HHH is sad: HHH is sad. Paisley will make it all better. Or she won’t. But Christian will make it all nice. HEY! CHRISTIAN WAS BEING NICE! THAT’S THE CHAMPION OF EUROPE! France has declared war on HHH.

McMahon 2: He has old people’s hands. Look at those hands. They’re all kinds of messed up. The WWF will slowly die, just like he is. Oh, that’s mean, but look at those hands. Steroids and stress and all that. He can’t have much longer to live. YEAH! BOOKER T IS UP NEXT!

No 20 minute interview tonight. I bet I’d be strangely compelled by this Vince thing if I didn’t know how badly it’s going to end. Let’s test to see if Widro is reading this thing. If he is, this should be in bold. But he probably isn’t. The man has just lost all of his drive because he doesn’t have the one woman’s love that he desires more then anything. I’ve said too much.

Stacker 2 thing: Maven elimanates UT! UT beats the hell out of Maven. That was pointless.

Booker T! He’s used to large crowds seeing him in nothing but red underwear. The other inmates made him dance for them. Here comes Stone Cold. Booker T should win. He said he’d never do a job for a white man again after Wendy’s. The badass bald white guy. Booker is having flashbacks. Booker wants revenge. That bastard could use the n-word in the big house and get away with it cause he had his boys behind him, but now it’s one on one! Get em, Booker! Lock-up, center of the ring. Bet Booker gets nervous whenever he hears the first part of that. Booker T was just slammed on his back. Why’d he grab his stomach? I bet he remembers how his belly would fill with something after he was slammed on his back in prison. Could Booker T have been Z-Dawg or whatever Hyatte called him? Makes sense. Yeah, let’s talk about Christian and Triple H while your top face and third best heel are fighting? Booker T dumps Stone Cold outside. I don’t want to stare at his ass, but what does Booker T’s tights say? And why does Austin have black tape covering his thumb? In any other sport, that would be a major injury that would keep a player out for at least a few weeks. In wrestling, breaking or pulling or spraining a thumb is like stubbing a toe. These guys rule. How is it good strategy to run your balls in to your opponents legs? Booker is over selling, but at least he’s not bending over. Austin is fighting back! SHANK HIM BOOK! SHANK HIM! Nice move! SPINAROONI! If they’re going to put Angle into the main event at No Way Out like I’ve been hearing, they should put Booker over. Nope. 1. 2. 3. Come on! Austin has been in the main event of every Wrestlemania ever. Give Chris a shot. Having lost, Booker has lost respect in the eyes of the other wrestlers. He’s now a bitch.

Lita can look so cute sometimes, and sometimes she can look so ugly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman like her. One second she’s pretty, the next ugly. It confuses me. I think I’d have to see what she looks like on my cock.

Yeah, Eric S talks about Enron and Afganistan and I talk about Lita on my cock. Still, I bet I did better on the SAT’s then him and I’m a Politics major. If I felt like talking about it with you guys, I could. That would show Eric S! Then Flea would start talking about current events, then McCluskey would start talking about Boston and crap like that.

Only 8 weeks to Wrestlemania! Get on line now!

Flair Interview: Paisely was awesome in WCW. She’s already f*cking him, so put her with Booker T. I think Flair always has fun. That’s awesome. That’s just so awesome.

Kane and TBS vs. The Dudleyz: I’m going to take a break here. I just don’t really care so much. I’m going to masturbate to Stacey, and it’s hard to type with one hand. Nah, I’ll just have a cigarette. Is Stacey there? There she is. Wrong side of the ring. Well, that’s it. They have heat now! So what part of Kane’s face is burnt? It’s not his arms? If Mankind’s book is right, Kane’s mask must stink.

McMahon 3: Everything comes to an end. Not Scully! She’ll live forever. She doesn’t die. God, why do I read the spoilers? True, I’d be setting myself up for a huge disappointment, but this is just so stupid. Lot’s of cancer talk. That might be the worst fake cry I’ve ever seen.

Still 43 minutes of this? Man, I’m tired.

You have to respect Scott Keith. I mean, the guy writes books about pro wrestling. He’s taken his hobby and made a career out of it. Well, you don’t really have to respect him. It’d be nice though. For him. I couldn’t care less.

Goldust: Hey, he’s still got the gimmick down. He has something greater then change in store. I think that he’s talking about Billy Gunn. His star sure fell. Heh. I like the executive in charge of production bit.

Billy and Chuck: Gay stuff. Lot’s of gay stuff. Cute smile by Chuck after the ass slap.

Kurt Angle: Make Coach dance! He is the best heel in the WWF right now. This interview is brilliant. He’s playing off the crowd. Everyone else has to ignore it, but he’s got it down perfectly. And, he’s getting them to focus the word what only on him. Please, please let it happen.

The WWF is plugging Buffy. I’m in Heaven.

Trish vs. Jazz: And here comes Trish! I am in Heaven! Have her tits gotten bigger also? Am I just sitting closer to the television screen then normal? Jeez, look at Trish’s breasts. Those things are just so huge. She’s a pretty little girl. Remember when Debra first came to the WWF, and everyone’s mouth dropped open because she looked about a million times hotter? I’m telling you, the next logical procession for the WWF is to have a lesbian angle. It’s time! Move #1687! ARMBAR! Why was Jazz disqualified? Hey, Ryder, Jazz just crucified Trish! Bitch and moan about it! Bitch and moan, Bobby!

McMahon 4: I can’t even type anything. I know we’re getting to the stupid finish. This could have been done about a billion times better.

Who will rule in 2002 is a question asked by WWF magazine. Austin. The Rock. HHH. Maybe Angle and Jericho. That’s the answer like it has been for the last couple of years.

Overdrive of the night. Jericho gets pinned by the Rock.

Angle vs. Rock: I look forward to his commentary. I’d like to see him declare himself time keep or bell ringer. Then he can keep yelling out how long the match has been going on or everytime there’s a pin fall look like he’s getting ready to ring the bell. It would be cute. Kurt Angle has that crowd in the palm of his hand. Jericho looks very comfortable. Shouldn’t the end of this match be given away by Chris Jericho being there? Nice little look that Jericho gave the Rock. HAHAHA! The Brama Baby. Cole, stop interrupting Jericho! I swear to God, I was marking out like a 12 year old when Jericho beat the Rock. Even in front of my friends.

Sorry, phone call.

That kid never gave me a chance. Cute line. Take that, Brama BABY! Brilliant. This is what Jericho should be doing. THE ANKLE LOCK! Bet he makes it to the rope. How is the Rock feeling okay now? Jericho is just so great on the mike. I can’t do it justice. Throwing him over the top rope should be a disqualification. Cole should shut up. Nice little spot. Rock paused for some bigger reaction to the sharpshooter, but it never came. No one cared. Nice to see the Undertaker. Is he still the Hardcore champion or is that title done? YAY! KURT WINS! Now the Rock is the one choking. Brilliant. That match was very good, and it was helped immensely by the commentary of Jericho. If you grade a match based on all around enjoyment, and not just the actual quality of the match, which was still very good although not as good on its own as I’m going to suggest, you have an early very dark horse for match of the year candidate.

Let’s see the breasts and HHH part again. Baby McMahon has got some fat on her.

Stone Cold: Make Coach dance! Make him limbo! What and stuff. Angle attacks from the front! After his match, he gets the best of Austin!

McMahon 4: Here it comes. Here comes the stupidity. Flair’s going to kill the WWF with cancer. The only cancer is your ego. Hall appearing on Nitro, followed by Nash, was brilliant. No announcement, no nothing. So Vince is now Doctor Frankenstein. That NWO logo looked hastily done. By the way, thanks to all those who helped me type NWO.

Great final match. Terrible, terrible angle. I like what it sets up, but it shouldn’t have been set up. Still, maybe now more people will tune in for Raw. Whatever. Is that it? Yeah, that’s it.

PLUGS

Flea deserves one, so I’ll plug the Excess report. He complained about it a while ago. Yeah, like I don’t give your ass enough free publicity in my report. I can’t wait till he has his next party that he flies people in for. I think I might take him up on it. A great guy, a nice person to talk to, and a quality writer. Go read the Excess report now!

Time for a Take! That means it’s Beer O’Clock!

It’s the Lyrical Lounge Show! No, wait, it’s the Lyrical Stunt. Here’s a taste.

You all know my opinion on the Undertaker

His face character made me an Underhater

Apparently Mark too knew his gimmick had a problem

So he turned heel the day I posted my column

Now I don’t have a problem with his gimmick

And it proves the Undertaker reads my sh!t

Read the Lyrical Stunt, because gimmick and shit rhyme. That’s right, I can say shit. If Flea can say f*cking every five seconds, I can say shit.

Let’s see if I can find something to end this with. I went to www.bored.com. They have this spin the bottle thing. Let’s check that out.

SPIN THE BOTTLE OR SOMETHING

First I need to fill out a profile. One second. Okay, I have to be older then 13. Good. I’d rather not be spinning the bottle with girls who just got Bot Mitzvahed. I now need a handle. Let’s make it SEXYSCOTTK! Nah, how about Joshua Grutman? That seems easy enough. This is actually pretty simple. Just my age, zip code, am I a smoker or not and other crap. Under got anything else to say, I wrote “I wuv you.” That should melt those whores’ hearts. Should I go either way, or just pick female matches? Well, I do go to NYU, but I am straight. Ah hell, just females. Age of my ideal match. They won’t let me go below 18! Bastards. I don’t care if they’re employed. I’d like them to live in NY. I got my hobbies down, and out of the choices offered I picked creative writing and partyin. I had to put down the music I like. Hard Rock, Classic Rock, Punk Rock, ah, anything but Boy Bands. Sports. Hmmm. They have Backyard Wrestling. I don’t do that. I think that morons do that. I used to play tennis and ski, so that’s fine. Dancing. Me dance, yeah right is fine. Clothing, I’d fall into the wash and wear category if that. Computers, I can write that I have a website! Yes! Social life. I do have one. I am in a fraternity and all that crap. But I need a better one is okay also. Art, performance art. I do write plays and stuff. Television, I’ll go with Sopranos and MTV even though I don’t have cable anymore. Politics? I’m mostly a liberal. I need to pick three ice breaker questions. 1. What’s the weirdest thing about you? 2. Are you usually the object of unrequited love, or the one who has it? 3. Who’s your favorite South Park character? OHMIGOD! I can spin now. Before I click the bottle, let me tell you that this is the last act of a desperate man with three beers in him. The bottle has been spun and I get . A kind of cute girl who’s into backyard wrestling and lives in NY. I’ll send her my profile and spin again. Spinning again! Yes! This is awesome! I need someone with a digital camera. Oh, I got a very, very cute girl. A non smoker. I’ll spin again. UGH! Non smoker and ugly. Another spin. I just got the same hot girl. The same one who doesn’t smoke. I got one with no pic, but her profile looks okay, so I’ll add her to my spin list. This is so stupid. Enjoy Flea. I’m gone.